A Masochist's Resolve
After washing away the dirt and dust with hot water, I collapsed onto the bed without even drying my hair. If there's one inconvenient thing about becoming Lucia, it's how hard it is to dry my hair after a shower. For someone like me, who's used to a short male haircut, Lucia's long hair falling past her shoulders is just too much. Everything from washing it to drying, brushing, and styling is an absolute chore. At first, I was so bad at it that it tangled into an unsightly mess. It gets messy whenever the wind blows, and the static electricity is no joke. It blocks my vision and even feels surprisingly heavy. Yeah, to be honest, it's a pain. It was so much easier and better when I had short hair. I barely used any shampoo, and it dried in an instant. Still, I have no intention of cutting it. The current inconvenience is probably just because I'm not used to it yet, so time will solve that. Besides, wouldn't it be a waste? It's such beautiful hair. Perhaps due to the influence of Super Regeneration, external damage never accumulates, leaving it constantly glossy and healthy. It must have taken years to grow it this long, and I can't just disregard Lucia's efforts just because it's a bit of a hassle.
There are so many things I need to get used to. It's not just the hair; every little thing is different from when I was a guy. Men and women are both human, so most things are similar, but physical differences are inevitable. Case in point: my breasts. They are quite plump, you know. They aren't monstrously huge, but when I squeeze them, they feel incredibly bouncy and soft. Breasts are always better the bigger they are. Every guy thinks that, right? But here's the thing—the bigger they are, the more inconvenient they get. It might be nice to look at, but there's absolutely zero benefit for the owner. The weight pulls you forward, putting a strain on your back, and they bounce so embarrassingly much when you run. Sweat pools easily in the cleavage and underneath them, and lying face down is especially uncomfortable.
"Yeah, it's really inconvenient..." I mean, my chest actually hurt when I jogged a little because I thought I was going to be late. And the breast physics made me so embarrassed that someone might see. If Lucia is already like this, what must it be like for girls with actual massive tits? They must be heavy... inconvenient... exhausting... embarrassing...
"...Should I make them bigger?" I massaged my breasts while sinking into the plush mattress. If they weren't just moderately large but became actual massive globes... He-he. If I stimulate them often, will they grow bigger than they are now? No, if that worked, flat-chested girls wouldn't exist in this world.
While things that shouldn't be there appeared on top, things that should be there disappeared down below. The emptiness between my thighs feels so bizarre. The thing that's supposed to be there is gone. My lifelong friend... where did you go without even saying goodbye?
Since becoming Lucia, I haven't masturbated even once. Even though my libido is actually much stronger than when I was a guy. How should I put it... I'm drawn to other things more than self-pleasure. Honestly, rather than doing that kind of stuff with my fingers, slicing my stomach open with a kitchen knife is way more arousing. Ripping open the flesh of my belly, letting my guts and blood spill out in a rush. Self-disembowelment. It would be the absolute cherry on top if someone could decapitate me right after. You know what? Even if Lucia is this cute and beautiful, her inside is exactly the same.
Come to think of it, I haven't had a period yet. I heard it hurts... I wonder how much it hurts. I'm actually looking forward to it. Well, how bad could it really be? There's no way it hurts more than slicing off a finger or gouging out a shoulder. But since it's a pain a man could never experience, I wanted to try it at least once. Getting a period also means I can have a baby. Thinking about it... yeah, honestly, it's terrifying. I don't mean terrifying in an arousing way, I mean genuinely terrifying. Wow, this is the first time since becoming Lucia that I've felt true, genuine fear. I thought Lucia was invincible, but she actually had a weakness like this. Fascinating. No, seriously, it's terrifying. Wait, wasn't Lucia supposed to be immune to these kinds of emotions? It's not about getting someone pregnant; it's about getting pregnant. Carrying a new life inside my womb... It feels so strange. It doesn't feel real, and I can't even picture it. Let's stop thinking about this. It's not like I have any intention of getting pregnant anyway. Unless I get ravished or something. No, even if I get ravished, I'll make sure to use birth control. And above all, I have no intention of letting myself get ravished in the first place.
But this recent incident taught me one thing. The difference between me and Lucia. Compared to Lucia, I get embarrassed very easily. Extremely easily, in fact. And Lucia's body is that of an extreme masochist and exhibitionist. The more embarrassed she gets, the more aroused she becomes. When I was crawling on all fours in that bunny girl outfit, I nearly lost my mind from the dizzying shame. It was like a massive reality check. I felt so pathetic, ridiculous, and ashamed that I thought my head would explode. And then it actually did explode. Once all those emotions were sublimated into pure pleasure, at that moment, I was... well, you know. I was nothing but raw desire. I wanted to be beaten. I wanted to be cut. I wanted to be torn apart. I wanted to be violated. My mind was so consumed by those thoughts that I could barely control myself. What would have happened if the security guard had caught me then? Just imagining it sends shivers down my spine.
Anyway, for those reasons, I needed to organize my thoughts. That's also why I'm lying awake in bed right now. Since I've already stayed up for two nights, it would be best to get some deep sleep, even if just for a bit, but I couldn't fall asleep in the first place without sorting out this complicated mess inside me. Until now, I had secretly satisfied my desires inside the dormitory. I stabbed my arms with knives and choked myself with whips. No one knew about this, so there was no need to feel embarrassed. But exhibitionism is different. You never know when you might get caught. You never know who might see you. That thrilling suspense made me hornier than ever before. It turns out I was an even bigger exhibitionist than Lucia... Well, thinking about it, the signs were already there. During the aptitude test, my shoulder was crushed by Angelica's golem, and I came right then and there. I tried inflicting similar wounds back in the dorm, but it wasn't nearly as satisfying. Because back then, everyone was watching. Because at that moment, I was exposed to everyone. I should have realized it then. I was too busy playing ostrich, so I was late to notice. Once I get extremely excited, it becomes incredibly hard to control myself. I got away with it safely this time, but what about next time? Will things end so smoothly then too?
"From now on, I'll keep the exposure moderate... Yeah, let's keep it really moderate..." Not that I have any intention of stopping entirely. Yes~ because I'm a pervert~ I'm the perverted girl, Lucia, after all. A masochist who gets turned on by being beaten, stepped on, and exposed. But self-control is necessary. I can't guarantee what kind of snowball effect my personal desires might trigger. I must not ruin the 'original story'. If the ending of Dawn Swordsman had been a bad ending, that would be one thing, but it was a clean, happy ending. A 'and they all lived happily ever after' kind of ending. I can't be the one to ruin that happiness. I don't care if I'm the only one who gets ruined. If I'm the only one who falls, I'll gladly accept it. But that's not how it works. Lucia is a heroine, and the heroines play a massive role in Dawn Swordsman. They are the ones who drive the protagonist Yujin's growth. I cannot allow the happy ending of the 'original story' to change because of me. So, let's maintain my composure. I've realized from past experience that Lucia's desires are like a drug, making them incredibly hard to resist. It wasn't just simple lust. It was an addiction that was almost impossible to break. I've never actually done real drugs, but I could be absolutely sure of this. With that level of addictiveness, what else could it be but a drug? It was such a vicious impulse that I even found myself thinking I'd gladly give up everything just for that single moment.
Ugh, goosebumps. To think I casually said things like, 'You can ravish me all you want, I'll spread my legs for you~' I understand the sentiment. It's not some convenient development where my mind became a woman just because my body did. Female corruption~? As if I'd ever. If I were violated by a man, it would be unspeakably disgusting, shameful, and I'd want to die. Just thinking about it makes me want to bite my tongue. But Lucia is a masochist. She absolutely loves that shame. The pleasure derived from my own ruin is more enjoyable than anything else. But if I try to hold back, I can do it. Lucia did, after all. So I can do it too. Even if I can't, I have to. I absolutely must. The peaceful scenery I saw yesterday while walking around the city all day. I couldn't let those moments, fragile as castles built on sand, crumble away. After all, the best ending to a story is always a happy one where effort bears fruit.
And once everything is wrapped up... let's abandon my human rights and become a dog. Woof! Woof woof! Should I ask Yujin to raise me? Or maybe Aris? If those two become a couple, it might be nice if they raised me together. Eu-he, just kidding. No matter how crazy I am, that's going too far. I haven't lost my mind that much... right...?
"..." It's sad that I can't say for sure. Let's think about things far in the future when the time comes. It's still a long way off. There's no point in worrying about it already. Alright, I've set a general course of action. Honestly, nothing has really changed from before. The only difference is whether I choose to turn away from reality or not. These past few days since becoming Lucia, I've avoided facing my true nature for various reasons. A lack of resolve. The gap in common sense. My last shred of pride. But I ended up waving the white flag before even a week had passed. Yeah, it's impossible. How could I possibly reject this? In truth, I couldn't even reject it from the very beginning. I just hadn't admitted it to myself.
"Lucia. I am... Lucia..." In that case, let's act like Lucia. No more denying it; I just have to accept it. Even though I absolutely hate it. Because even that feeling of hatred is utterly lovely.
I tilted my head to check the clock. It was already well past five. No wonder the sky outside the window was gradually growing brighter. I wondered if it was too late to fall asleep, but I let out a soft chuckle and closed my eyes. I had already stayed up the previous night anyway. Even if I had the stamina to push through, I should sleep when I can. Just as humans need to eat to survive, we must sleep to keep going. Yes, today was a truly productive day. Well then, see you in a few hours, Lucia.