Accepting My True Nature
Now that I've admitted it, I feel so relieved. Until now, even though I knew it all along, even though I realized it deep down, I tried so hard to deny it. Honestly, it would have been stranger not to know. Just think about what I've done since becoming Lucia. First, I cut off my finger. Then, I sliced my wrists. I tore my shoulder open. I hanged myself. And now, I'm wandering the dark streets at night dressed as a lewd bunny girl.
I just wasn't prepared. Prepared for what it meant to become Lucia. Prepared to live as Lucia. The common sense inside me rejected my instincts. The perception I had built up over more than twenty years of living as a man couldn't accept the self that had changed overnight.
If I admitted it, that would be the end. I would truly become a pervert. The ultimate, unparalleled pervert of this world. It was my bare minimum brake. The final line of defense to stop me before I crossed a point of no return. That's why I played make-believe. In a situation that only an idiot wouldn't understand, I desperately tried to deceive myself.
"And that's how I ended up like this..." I twisted my upper body. It was hot. My body was so hot. From head to toe, I throbbed so intensely that I wondered if this was even okay.
"If I was going to unleash my desires... I should have done it properly... Building a dam in my heart bit by bit... Look at this, it finally overflowed..." This was the absolute worst. The exact situation I had been most wary of. Making all my efforts to endure utterly meaningless, I had crumbled in an instant. There's a limit to going from zero to sixty, but what is this? It hasn't even been a week since I became Lucia. The weekend hasn't even passed yet. Five days? Six days? Eu-he, I couldn't even last that long?
"Ha... ha-hat..." If I was really going to hold back, I shouldn't have done anything at all. Otherwise, I should have just accepted it from the start. Because I wavered halfway, I couldn't hold out for long.
"I am..." I lifted my face, which had been buried in the dirt. My vision was blurry. My eyes stung. Did dirt get in them? Only after blinking my eyelids a few times did the view clear. Were the tears streaming down my face because of the dust, or was there some other reason?
"A pervert... a perverted girl... even though I'm a guy... I was a guy..." I wasn't originally this kind of person. I was a much more wholesome, ordinary person. I mean, obviously. How many people like Lucia could there possibly be? A tiny minority at best. I belonged to the absolute majority. I hated pain. I hated embarrassment. I didn't enjoy exposure, I didn't carve up my wrists with knives, and I didn't hang myself. When one's natural perceptions and common sense suddenly flip upside down, how many people could accept that without a fuss? So I rejected it, but even as I rejected it, I enjoyed it; even as I enjoyed it, I denied it; and after piling up and up, it finally popped like a balloon without warning.
My hands wouldn't stop shaking. Moving my fingers, which trembled like aspen leaves, I grabbed the zipper of the black leotard. I slowly pulled it down. Since it was on my back, taking it off was difficult, but popping my arm joint slightly out of place solved the problem easily. Zzzzt. The zipper slid down. I could hear the sound of the walls of my heart crumbling. Like an adult insect shedding its pupal shell, I crossed the minimum boundary I had set for myself.
I want to strip it all away, just like Lucia. Because I'm a pervert like Lucia—no, I'm even more of a pervert than Lucia... I want to be stepped on. I want my human dignity to be utterly desecrated. I want to be beaten. I want to be cut. Cut off all my limbs. You can rip open my stomach and drag out my intestines. Gouge out my eyeballs, dig through my ears, crush my nose. You can use me as a punching bag. You can ravish me as much as you want. Spit on me and call me a bitch. How about cutting off my fingers one by one? Pulling out my teeth and slicing off my tongue? Slicing me up like sashimi starting from my toes sounds great too. Ah! What about human furniture? Modify me and turn me into furniture. Lucia's body is so soft. It'll feel great to sit on. It would be fine to cut off my limbs and keep me as a pet, right? Lucia is pretty, after all. The ultimate pet dog. Woof! Woof woof!
Ah... I want to be ruined. I want to be completely finished, both socially and as a person. I want to throw myself at an interdimensional monster and be eaten alive. What does it feel like to be digested inside a stomach? It must be the absolute best, right? Should I masturbate in front of everyone? They'd look at me with utter disgust, wouldn't they? They'd definitely curse at me, asking what kind of crazy bitch I am. Or what about using me as an experimental subject? They exist in this world. Mad scientists who use humans as test subjects. With my Super Regeneration, aren't I the ultimate test subject? Anything is fine. You can split open my skull and pull out my brain. Testing unproven new drugs on me is no problem at all. If you want to satisfy your lust while experimenting, I'll spread my legs for you anytime. Being violated by a man is so repulsive it makes me weep tears of blood, but that very feeling of hatred is so unbearably, exquisitely good. Haha, it's terrifying. It's terrifying. I'm terrified of myself for thinking like this. Because Lucia's instincts clash so violently with my common sense... the fact that I sincerely desire such things from the bottom of my heart makes me feel like even more of a monster.
This is where the difference between Lucia and me lies. Lucia despised herself. She hated it. She feared it. She viewed her own instincts as a monster and tried to run away from them. That's why she tried to hide it. Suppressing her desire to be exposed, to be dominated, she lived her life acting like a normal person. That's why the Lucia of the original novel liked Yujin. He was the one who accepted her true self, the one who could dominate her. But I'm different. I'm worse than Lucia. For me, even self-contempt is the ultimate seasoning.
"I hate it... I don't want to be this kind of pervert..." Why me? Why did it have to be me of all people? There were other people. There could have been anyone else. And yet... Ah, it's hopeless. Even this despair stimulates my heart. I'm already finished as a human being... I entered the body of Lucia, who at least tried to remain human, and ruined everything. Look at this. I feel like I'm going crazy. I hate myself so much it makes me want to vomit. And yet, my mind is so light. Just the fact that I've faced the truth I was turning away from makes me feel like I'm walking on air! I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. My thoughts are so tangled up that my words contradict themselves.
I should have endured. I shouldn't have let myself get swept away by the impulse; I should have held back. I shouldn't have gone outside today. Though, even if I hadn't, I wouldn't have lasted much longer anyway. Looking at my state right now, lasting until next weekend would have been a miracle. As I pulled the zipper all the way down, the tightly clinging leotard went limp. I wriggled out of it. With this, I'm naked... Even if there's no one around, I'm standing outside without any clothes on. He-he, he-het...
"Should I... go to Yujin?" If I lick his feet and beg him to take me in, he will, right? Yujin is nice, so he'll at least play along. Even if he hates it, if I beg him, he'll definitely... step on me. Burn me with his fire. We can even go on walks together. Just like he did for the original Lucia. He-he, he-he... Eu-he, Yujin is so lucky. He gets a devoted, beautiful girl like me as his slave. Dating a guy is absolutely out of the question, but I can definitely be his punching-bag slave. Or should I be his dog? His cat? Just say the word.
Step. "...!" I heard footsteps. My heart plummeted. I froze, completely paralyzed as if turned to ice by a sudden chill. Who is it? Who would be out at this hour? What should I do? Should I run? Why? Isn't this actually a perfect opportunity? If they see me like this, wouldn't it be great blackmail material? What if they use this to control me however they want? Like, "If you don't want anyone to find out about tonight, do as I say"? Just imagining it sends a shiver of pleasure down my spine. But...
My hesitation was brief. I suppressed my urges. Slipping off my high heels, I moved quickly. Let's identify who it is first. I can make a decision after that. I hid behind a large tree. With only the streetlamps piercing the darkness, no one would find me as long as I concealed my presence. The footsteps drew closer. The beam of a flashlight swept across the surroundings. Holding my breath, I peeked out. Every second ticked by agonizingly slowly. Pressing down on my wildly beating heart, I narrowed my eyes. As the figure stepped under the glow of a streetlamp, I could finally see him. A middle-aged man with his cap pulled down low. Judging by his uniform, he was an academy security guard.
Ah, I see. A routine patrol. It made sense for an important facility like the academy to have security guards. They patrolled at set intervals to check for any anomalies. The guard walked forward, shining his flashlight only directly ahead, clearly accustomed to the routine. He didn't even look to the sides. What a lazy guard. You should inspect your surroundings thoroughly. What if someone is hiding? Like right now. I stayed quietly hidden until the guard passed. I wanted to make a sound right then and there, but I held back. I forced myself to suppress it. Snapping out of my daze, my mind cleared up a bit. Let's control the impulse. Don't give in to a momentary desire. If I'm going to get caught, it has to be by Yujin, not some extra who doesn't even appear in the original novel. Let's endure. Please, let's endure...
The guard's footsteps, which had grown louder, began to fade at some point. The light of his flashlight drifted away. I held my breath until I could no longer hear any sound.
"...Haa." Only after the guard left the garden did I let out the breath I had been holding. That was close. In more ways than one. This thrill... he-het, I might get addicted. No, I'll definitely get addicted. Wiping away the cold sweat, I slumped onto the ground. My butt got covered in dirt, but my face was already dirty anyway, so who cared? Ah, all the strength drained from my body. The heat seemed to have subsided a bit too. Perhaps that brief rush of excitement was enough to satisfy me for now. Leaning against the tree, I stared blankly up at the night sky. Only a crescent moon, half-hidden by clouds, shed a faint light. My excitement had cooled down a bit. Ah, I know what this is. Post-nut clarity, right? Even Lucia isn't in a constant state of heat. Once released, she discharges and can think rationally again. Even if her lust is far above average, there's still a limit.
"...Should I head back for now?" If I walk around too long at night, I'll catch a cold. Phew, that was close. I almost did something crazy, blinded by desire. Getting caught by Yujin... that shouldn't happen right now. Yes, not yet.