Please, Hurt Me
For words squeezed out with such sheer effort, her pronunciation was surprisingly clear. She had expected her voice to be slurred or mumbled, but the words came out so distinct that she even startled herself. Once she managed to force out that single phrase, her voice began to flow like water breaching a collapsed dam. Clinging to Lucia's shoulders, she poured out the apologies she had meticulously rehearsed on her way to the hospital room, one by one.
"About what happened last time... I want to apologize."
Frey's gaze dropped, weighed down by a heavy pressure. Only her own dark navy hair cluttered her field of vision. What kind of expression was Lucia making right now? Just moments ago, looking at her face had brought joy. But now, for some reason, she felt terrified.
"I know. Apologizing now is incredibly shameless of me. I left you with scars that can never be washed away."
If I had known it would come to this, I shouldn't have tried to pry off her mask. A wave of belated regret washed over her, but there was no crying over spilled milk.
"I should have said this sooner, but I lacked the courage and just kept running away. I'm sorry, Lucia. I'm so sorry."
Lucia met Frey's apology with silence. The quiet stillness made Frey's heart race with anxiety. It would have been better if Lucia had shown disgust or even flown into a rage. This absolute lack of a response only fueled her growing dread.
"..."
Though Lucia remained silent, there was a clue to her state of mind. A tremor—a faint, delicate trembling transmitted through the hands gripping her shoulders—betrayed her innermost feelings.
Of course she's trembling...
Why had she foolishly assumed everything would be fine?
"I'm not asking you to forgive me. You can hate me all you want. But I'm the only one who did those awful things, so... please don't hate Aris."
Frey bit her lower lip hard. If she didn't share her physical sensations with Aris, she would have bitten down until her lip tore and drenched itself in blood.
She was wrong. She had been completely, utterly wrong. Presuming on her own that Lucia would forgive her. Deriving pleasure from repeatedly poking at Lucia's wounds. Optimistically believing that Lucia would be fine regardless. Even this belated apology itself. If she was going to apologize, she should have done it much sooner—before the trauma festered into a deep, rotting wound.
...I should never show my face in front of Lucia again.
Otherwise, Aris might become an object of fear to her as well. There weren't many people in this world Aris could truly trust. Frey couldn't let Aris lose her most precious friend.
I'll tell her. I'll tell her I won't ever appear before her again. That should give Lucia at least a little peace of mind.
Frey hardened her resolve. It was a bitter pill to swallow, but everything was her fault. If so, cleaning up the mess was also her responsibility.
"Lu—"
But before Frey could finish her sentence, Lucia's arms gently pried Frey's hands off her shoulders. Then, she pulled Frey into a tight, fierce embrace. Her face buried in Lucia's soft chest, a bewildered Frey poked her head out.
"I told you, I don't hate you, Frey. I like you."
Lucia spoke with a bright, innocent smile. Frey wanted to snap at her to stop lying, but the pure, unblemished warmth of that smile stole her words away. It didn't look like a lie meant merely to comfort her.
"You don't have to blame yourself. Remember what I said earlier today? That Aris is my most precious friend. But Frey, you're Aris too, aren't you? So you're also my most precious friend. I want us to get along well from now on. So it's okay. I'm really, completely fine."
There's no way. She had been trembling so violently just a moment ago. How could she smile so brightly after a mere apology? Liar. Are you trying to lie to me again? I won't fall for it. You already know I can see right through your lies, so how can you...
A gentle hand stroked Frey's hair. A comforting warmth enveloped Frey's freezing body. Liar. Liar. Don't comfort me. I'm the one who's supposed to comfort you. You were scared. You were terrified. You were shaking like a leaf. And yet...
"You don't need my forgiveness. How can I forgive you when I never hated you in the first place?"
Lucia's voice carried an undeniable sincerity. She was genuinely saying she liked Frey. Her words conveyed, without a single shred of falsehood, that she had never once harbored any hatred.
"...You're way too nice for your own good."
Frey summed up her feelings in a single sentence. Even a toddler left unattended by a riverbank wouldn't evoke this much anxiety. She honestly didn't know if this girl would be okay. Could she really survive in this harsh, unforgiving world?
"He-he-het, thank you."
"It wasn't a compliment."
"Thank you!"
"I said it's not a compliment!"
Shouting back, Frey buried her face in Lucia's chest. She didn't want Lucia to see her face right now. If she saw it, Frey would probably end up flailing her legs and rolling around the floor in sheer embarrassment. She might even look for a mouse hole to stick her head into. That was how pathetic her expression was at this moment.
"...Thank you."
In a tiny, barely audible whisper, Frey murmured the words. Lucia seemed to have caught them anyway. She let out a cheerful giggle and tightened her embrace. It was suffocatingly tight, but Frey didn't resist. She wanted to stay like this just a little longer.
Aris often acted spoiled around Lucia. Every time she did, Lucia would indulge her with genuine joy. In a way, I'm Aris too, so there shouldn't be any harm in letting her hold me for a bit, right?
Lucia patted the head and back of the girl nestled in her arms. It felt like being held by a mother—not that Frey had ever actually experienced a mother's embrace. I want to stay like this just a little longer. Just a tiny bit. I'll apologize properly after this. Just ten seconds... no, one minute. Yeah, that much should be fine, right?
Just as Lucia held her, Frey reached out and wrapped her arms around Lucia's waist. Despite her physical conditioning, Lucia's body was soft and cozy, like a giant teddy bear. Even though she was running out of breath, Frey refused to pull her face away from Lucia's chest. However, she was soon forced to step back as Lucia gently nudged her away.
"Um, Frey."
Frey looked up at Lucia with a pout, silently pleading for more. You held Aris for way longer. That's not fair. Don't play favorites. But at the words that followed, Frey's face froze solid.
"Do you like hitting people, Frey?"
"W-What...?"
What did she just say? Frey was so utterly dumbfounded she forgot to breathe. She doubted her own ears. What had Lucia just uttered?
"Sadism... is that what it's called? I read in a book once that it's a sexual preference where someone derives pleasure from hurting others."
"Lu-Lucia..."
"You're a sadist, aren't you, Frey?"
"You... what... why are you suddenly..."
She knew she was stammering incoherently. But she couldn't calm herself down. Lucia's words had struck directly at Frey's deepest, darkest secret. It would have been stranger if she didn't panic. Frey's pupils trembled like a tiny boat tossed about by violent waves. How? How on earth did she find out?
"I thought about it. The things you did to me."
Lucia spoke calmly. With every word, Frey felt her heart plummet into her stomach.
"For actions meant to wake Aris up, they were far too emotional. They were impulsive, and it felt like your sole purpose was simply to make me suffer."
"..."
It was true. It was the absolute, unvarnished truth. She had wanted to wake Aris. There was no lie in that desire. The problem was that other motives had bled into it. It was supposed to be for Aris's sake, but at some point, the goal became a mere excuse, and the means became the end.
"Slapping my cheeks, pulling out my teeth, strangling me... and even making me wet myself to humiliate me..."
"..."
She wanted to run away immediately. Frey took an involuntary step backward. But before she could retreat, Lucia grabbed her shoulders. If she truly wanted to shake her off, she easily could have, but Frey couldn't even bring herself to try. Her lips merely trembled. No. I'm sorry. Let me go. Don't say it. Please don't say any more.
"I saw it. You were smiling while you strangled me. You had this look of pure, unadulterated joy."
"..."
"You enjoyed watching me suffer, didn't you?"
She was caught. Lucia had seen right through her. Her filthy desires, her shameful secrets—all laid bare before the one person, second only to Aris, she had wanted to hide them from. She couldn't even complain if Lucia called her shameless. How could she have hoped Lucia wouldn't notice after doing all those things? Why on earth had she assumed she could get away with it? What kind of convenient, delusional fantasy had she been living in?
Her face pale as a ghost, Frey couldn't utter a single word. Denying it was out of the question; Lucia was already entirely certain. She didn't even have the energy to make an excuse. She felt like she shouldn't, either.
I-I'm sorry... I'm so sorry...
She tried to apologize, but her voice failed her. It was happening again. Her throat felt as if it were stuffed with wet cotton, choking her so completely that not even a gasp of air could escape. Why? Why was she suddenly bringing this up? She had just said she forgave her. She had said she didn't hate her.
"Frey."
The light drained from Frey's heterochromatic eyes, leaving them dull and lifeless, but Lucia wasn't finished. She playfully caressed Frey's cheek. Her touch, gentle and soothing at first, suddenly turned mischievous as she grabbed Frey's cheek and pulled it outward. Her soft cheek stretched like dough, yet Lucia was careful not to hurt her, ensuring there was no actual pain. Shrinking back, Frey looked up at Lucia with tentative eyes. Lucia offered a soft, gentle smile and spoke in a sweet voice.
"I don't care what kind of preferences you have, Frey."
As if to prove her words, Lucia let out a goofy, relaxed grin. It certainly wasn't the face of someone who feared or guarded against Frey's sadistic nature.
"But I do have a favor to ask. Will you listen?"
A favor? What kind of favor? Frey listened in silence. No matter what it was, even if it was completely unreasonable, she was fully prepared to do it.
"I realized something during this incident."
Pausing for a moment, Lucia's eyes narrowed slightly as a bitter smile played on her lips. She toyed with Frey's deep, ocean-dark hair and spoke with a soft sigh.
"I realized... that I'm incredibly weak."
"...Lucia, you're not weak."
Frey protested immediately. She had never met anyone as strong as Lucia. It bothered her to hear Lucia put herself down like that. She wasn't talking about physical power; she meant her mental fortitude. If Lucia weren't strong, she wouldn't even have been able to look Frey in the eye.
"No, I am. I couldn't do anything on my own."
But Lucia seemed to disagree. She cut Frey off firmly and whispered. The weakness she spoke of wasn't mental, but physical strength—or so Frey assumed.
"I don't want to be a burden anymore. I want to become strong, just like you guys."
"...Do you want me to help you train?"
"Yes, exactly."
That was incredibly easy. But because of that, a slight doubt crept into Frey's mind. What did training have to do with exposing her sadistic tendencies? Was she just using this as a roundabout way of saying Frey didn't need to hide her true nature and that she didn't mind? It felt like something Lucia would do.
"Frey, please."
Lucia gently took hold of Frey's wrist. As she slowly raised her own hand, Frey's hand was pulled along with it. Not understanding her intentions, Frey simply let her guide her hand. She only realized something was terribly, horribly wrong when her palm made contact with Lucia's neck.
"Hit me."
"...Huh?"
Frey let out a completely dumbfounded gasp before she could stop herself.