Chapter 16
Chapter 16
Saint, You’re So Vulgar! – Chapter 16
The history of the saintess position stretched far back.
It was only natural.
After all, wasn't the saintess the direct representative of the Parent God who created this land? The position carried as much history as humanity itself.
Going way back before the church was even founded, there were times when the saintess served as both king and priest... but that's beside the point, so let's move on.
The key was that in the long centuries since the church's founding, there were countless scandals tied to saintesses. And the meeting known colloquially as the "Tea Party" had been created because of one such scandal.
The Blue Rose War.
It was the incident sparked when two saintesses who dominated the church of that era meddled in selecting the next pope.
The two saintesses, backing different factions, waged war to crown their favored candidate as pope.
So much blood flowed through the church back then that it's tiresome even to mention now.
The lesson that war taught was clear: saintesses had no need for political power. Their political or emotional clashes only brought catastrophe to the church.
After the incident, saintesses were sidelined from church politics. The system was overhauled to render their role largely honorary. Later, a mechanism emerged to prevent their clashes from turning physical.
That was the "Tea Party"the gathering of saintesses.
And Asher was the one attending.
"What should we do...? If I go alone and get found out..."
"......"
"Right? Even if I can mimic Saintess perfectly, what if they bring up the past...!"
Asher let out deep sighs.
As he did, he nibbled at the cookies again.
Whether from the body swap or her menstruation, he simply couldn't calm down without something sweet.
"Saintess, are you listening? Any information you can share?"
"Information..."
Asher tilted his head.
Versia's voice sounded subdued, for some reason.
Wondering why, he glanced up at her.
And saw it.
Flinch
"...Saintess?"
Versia gazed down at Asher with a shadowed smile.
He realized in that instant something was wrong.
"Knight."
"Y-yes...?"
"You've polished off a whole plate of cookies."
"???"
What did that matter?
He was pondering that when
Grab!
"Ugyaak!!!"
"What's with this belly fat."
"Eek...! L-let go...!"
In a flash, Versia shot out her hand and seized Asher's belly.
Asher curled up, his face beet red as he clamped onto her wrist.
For some reason, the grip on his belly blanked his mind and flooded him with shame right to the scalp.
The pressure seeped straight into his guts.
Shaking her off wasn't easy.
First off, Versia had grown accustomed to Asher's body and wielded its strength adeptly. Second, his position sucked.
Reproof laced Versia's voice.
"Someone was out training hard from dawn without a bite, and here you are."
"Th-that...!"
"You said you'd handle the health management, but look at this soft, squishy gut..."
"S-sorry...!"
"Ah, it used to be such a lean body."
Asher squeezed his eyes shut.
His body quivered. He felt a touch wronged, too.
Why wouldn't he? Unprecedented menstruation had his moods swinging wildly no matter what he did.
Without stuff like this, he'd really die of gloom.
He strained against her wrist, trying to wriggle free, but no dice.
He even raked his nails across her skin, but as expected, a lifetime 1st Class Knight's hide didn't scratch easy.
Of course, rotten luck right now.
"Did you get pregnant or something?"
"D-don't exaggerate... Gak!"
"Cheeky enough to wonder whose it is."
"D-don't say such things!"
"Knight."
"......"
Asher ducked his head, rolling only his eyes.
The classic guilty puppy look.
He knew damn well he was abusing her body.
Versia smiled coldly.
"You'll have to lose the weight, right?"
Asher's lips pursed.
His gaze clung reluctantly to the empty plate for a moment.
But what choice did he have? Shockingly, she was spot-on logically this time.
Slowly, he nodded.
Shoulders slumped.
"Y-yes..."
Asher looked downright glum.
* * *
Only after a stretch of earnest scolding laced with teasing did Versia finally give Asher the rundown.
Music to Asher's ears.
-Nothing to watch out for. Can't wing it like before... just play it low-key and slip out.
-Hm? No hot topics to dodge?
-You think I'd chat them up? On me, the church knight knows best.
-Ah...!
-Why the blush. Well, if you even know my mole count...
-I don't know that!
-Cold. Haven't peeked yet?
-Never in my life! Not even over my corpse!!!
-Am I that unappealing...
-Th-that's not it...!
...We'll gloss over him cracking wise already.
Honestly, wasn't a lax schedule with zero drama a win?
The Tea Party only heated up with fresh faces or dicey global tensions.
Just spectate the petty banter and stare-downs, then bailthat eased Asher's mind.
And so, Tea Party day arrived.
Since it kicked off morningside, no Versia meetup.
Somehow felt hollow without his daily breakfast buddy.
Drifting in nostalgia, he headed out.
The Tea Party venue was a sprawling flower garden in the church's southwest.
A fenced enclosure patrolled by 2nd Class Holy Knights at set intervals. Asher passed some familiar faces en route.
Juniors who'd pestered him for spars.
Now too awkward to even nod.
I wonder if that kid patched his left-flank weakness.
Musing so, he stepped inside.
A vibrant sprawl of yellow and blue blooms.
At center: a modestly grand tea table, and two women seated there.
Asher tensed up.
Schooled his face.
As he neared, reactions flew.
"Here she is. That bitch."
Lubena propped her chin, smirking askew.
And across from her sat a saintess Asher was meeting for the first time.
"...Sit. Don't loom like an eyesore. Tsk, same loser as always."
Judith Haraway.
She snapped curtly, eyes glued to her book.
Asher sized her up.
Tall, lanky frame overall.
Tallest saintess, maybe.
Straight black hair cascaded to her waist.
Corpse-pale skin and heavy dark circles screamed gloom.
Drooping eye corners wept red irritation. Her small mouth stayed stubbornly clampedsave for puffing her pipe.
Hoo
Smoke curled through the air.
Asher recalled Marvin's words unbidden.
-Bad rumors, man. They say she's more witch than saintess!
He got the vibe.
A beauty radiating stark gloom and decadence, for sure.
But looks never told the full tale, as always.
No jumping to conclusions.
Asher claimed his seat with forced blankness.
Ignored their jabs entirely.
Versia had ordered it.
-Stay mum, they leave you be. Mouth shut, kill time.
But maybe it wouldn't be so smooth.
Lubena snickered.
"Wow, true colors at last? Fucking bitch, your man-eater coy act is nauseating."
"...!"
Asher flinched.
Head snapped up on reflex.
Right as he moved to retort
"Shut it. Loudmouth."
Freeze
Lubena froze mid-motion.
Her glittering glare swung to Judith.
Lips twitched upward with a grind.
"...Ha?"
"Voice like a foghorn. Vulgar."
"What the fu...?"
"Can't string words without curses? God, a dimwit like you lucks into one oracle and bags this seat..."
Judith dragged deep on her long pipe, then exhaled smoke straight at Lubena's face.
Scorn met blaze in their stares.
Judith crooked her lips in a smirk.
"What could the Parent God be thinking..."
Cold sweat trickled down Asher's back.
'Out of nowhere...?'
This was fighting?
Versia's words ghosted by.
-Just watch the catfight. Rare treat.
-...Pardon?
-Fun. They itch to kill each other but can't.
Fun? Debatable.
But he got why now.
Before arriving, Asher had figured as much.
Still a saintess summit.
Expected at least some doctrine talkpresent woes, future paths.
Instead, instant brawl?
Was the Holy Church really fine like this?
The question he'd mulled endlessly since the swap resurfaced.
Meantime, the war of words raged.
"Crazy bitch runs her mouth 'cause I'm quiet?"
"Crazy bitch is you. No growth, no logicjust a maggot clinging to life..."
"Hey, fucking bitch. Done?"
"You interruptedhow? Brainless?"
Should he step in?
He considered, then quit.
Versia wouldn't have.
It was grueling.
Ears assaulted by filth and venom, yet tune it out?
Stonewalling took real grit.
'Redirect my focus somewhere...'
His eyes snagged on the table's cookies.
Grab a bite? Versia's body inexplicably craved sweetshis hand twitched.
But he held back.
-You'll have to lose the weight, right?
"......"
A fresh wave of self-alarm hit.
Asher had always prized temperance and diligence.
No snacking, body honed to peak, desires sloughed off via prayer with ease.
Post-swap?
Training neglected. Spoiled by luxury.
Prayer routine held, but scripture rumination and meditation? Sparse.
Culminating in a fat-shaming from Versia.
'Endure. You must. Asher...!'
He death-glared the cookies.
Visioned them as character-ruining archfoes, eyes murderous.
Locked in one-sided stare-down.
That's when.
"......"
"......?"
The clamor died.
Asher clocked it late, peered up puzzled.
Judith and Lubena gawked blankly at him.
Lubena queried.
"...What're you doing?"
ShudderAsher's shoulders jumped.
'Damn!'
Faux pas. Versia wouldn't sulk-glare at cookies solo!
Cold sweat beaded.
Eyes darted wildly.
Excuse? Blank panic.
Then it hit.
'Wait, that could fly...!'
Heard women obsessed over weight generally.
Gulped dry.
Lips parted, tense.
"D-dieting... P-put on weight..."
Owning his self-control fail stung.
Voice shrank to a mumble, ears scorched.
He clenched his fist tight.
Thud
Judith's pipe clattered onto the table.
Lubena's gaze quivered adrift.