The Relative Squid Effect

A sword fight in the streets of Luoyang, in the dead of a rainy night. And the man at the center of it was none other than the future Honey-Water Emperor himself — Yuan Shu.

In later years he would become a laughingstock for every absurd stunt he pulled, but in his youth, backed by that peerless family of his, he had been called one of the court's rising stars — a genuinely dashing sort of man.

The ringleader of the gallants who ran Luoyang's back alleys. That was where the moniker came from: the Drought Demon of the Roads — a ghost that could suck a street dry.

If the age of chaos had never come, he might well have crushed every rival in his path and made good on five generations of the Three Excellencies. In fact, once the chaos did begin, the first of the younger generation to truly distinguish himself was Yuan Shu himself. Putting Sun Jian at the vanguard, he seized Luoyang and racked up a military achievement Cao Cao and Yuan Shao wouldn't have dared dream of.

And yet in the end he never surpassed his own brother, collapsed, and died hunting for honey water. Bubbles always burst for a reason, though. Maybe he was a picaresque figure whose life was shortened by nothing more than a little-brother complex toward an elder brother who was, after all, only a bastard son.

Anyway — that Yuan Shu was sitting right in front of me. But what I really wanted to know wasn't what he'd been doing before he walked in.

This is supposed to be the Female DLC, right? So why is Yuan Shu still a man?

"Ling. I'll pour you a cup — take it."

"I couldn't, my lord! You should drink first."

"You worked harder than anyone today. The least I can do is clink glasses with you."

"..."

Yuan Shu lifted the wine jar and poured a cup for the only woman in the place — the same woman who had been so determined to put a blade to my throat. For all her rough-hewn looks, she accepted the wine with eyes full of something close to awe.

Ling... that name's familiar. Yuan Shu's closest confidant, a fighter he trusts this much — that has to be...

Qi Ling, just as I thought. The strange part was that she had been properly gender-bent into a female officer. So what was the difference, exactly?

For reference, the number after a Skill was its cooldown. Meaning Qi Ling could use Firm Advance once every fifteen days.

Gulp, gulp...

Yuan Shu and Qi Ling drained their cups in full view of everyone. The men around them looked on, thoroughly pleased to see their boss and their field captain sharing a lord-and-vassal toast.

Then — a sudden snatch. Yuan Shu's arm shot out and shoved up Qi Ling's sleeve. There, small but still seeping blood, was a single cut.

"When did you take that?"

"It's nothing, my lord. It'll close by tomorrow."

"A woman shouldn't go around collecting scars like that. When we get back I'll have medicine ready. Make sure you put it on."

"..."

Yuan Shu is a lot sweeter than I expected. Moments like this made it clear he had no shortage of the generosity a street boss needed. Historically he got betrayed often enough in alliances and overlord-vassal arrangements, but his direct subordinates stayed loyal to the end.

And then — a flush of pink.

Qi Ling's reaction was a little hard to watch. She had color rising in her cheeks and clearly no idea what to do with herself.

Objectively speaking, Yuan Shu was the complete package — family, rank, money, and looks straight out of a romance novel. Still, this pink, fluttery atmosphere did not belong in a boss-and-underling relationship. What was going on here?

"Yang Hong's here, I see."

That was when it happened. A woman stepped through the entrance, shaking rainwater off her umbrella — and at the same moment, another status window snapped open.

One of the few people in Yuan Shu's camp who actually used her head. And with that, I finally understood how the status windows worked.

They only appeared once I recognized who I was looking at. When I'd first met Yuan Shu and Qi Ling, nothing had shown up — the text only kicked in the moment I figured out their identities.

"A brawl in the rain? Don't tell me you got drunk before I even arrived."

A coquettish voice and a swaying, seductive walk. Her looks were a solid seven, but she carried herself like a woman so desperate to radiate sex appeal she might float away.

Thump...

Then she simply sat herself down on one of Yuan Shu's knees and wound her arms around his neck. A flash of displeasure crossed Qi Ling's face.

"What do you think you're doing in front of the men?"

"You only ever look after the ones throwing punches out front? If you knew who I just met, you'd want to be twice as sweet to me tonight."

This is getting uncomfortable. If I hadn't known who she was, I might have taken her for a tavern girl hanging off a handsome man. But she was Yang Hong.

Are you seriously putting the moves on your own lord right now? And that word choice — "tonight" — deliberately loaded?

Yuan Shu, for his part, paid it no mind and kept drinking. I ladled out the freshly boiled meat broth onto plates and eavesdropped on the two of them.

"You're looking awfully pleased with yourself. Found someone decent, then?"

"There's a man who fits exactly what we've been looking for. He's dying to make connections at court, but he's from the provinces, so no one will give him a second glance. His fighting skill, though — that's first-rate."

"The one who drove off the enemy at Xiapi alongside Zhu Jun? I heard he was some country bumpkin who ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠used to thrash river pirates in Jiangdong. What was his name again..."

"Sun Jian, Grand Administrator of Changsha."

Of course that name had to come up. So the soul-deep partnership those two would one day show off in the campaign against Dong Zhuo was already catching fire this early.

"I heard he got thoroughly smashed out in Xiliang."

"Bad luck, that's all. He says some fellow named Dong Zhuo delayed the advance and they got picked off one by one. So if my lord just gives him solid backing, he's bound to do great things."

"All that praise — don't tell me you've already fallen for him."

"As if. You know perfectly well there's only you for me, my lord."

Stroke, stroke...

I nearly doubted my own eyes. Yang Hong's soft, languid hand was rubbing smoothly along the front of Yuan Shu's lower robes — right over the part of a man that mattered most.

"Hey! Where's the side dish already?"

Qi Ling, unable to take any more, snapped at me for no good reason. I hurried out the meat broth as an appetizer, then asked her,

"We're out of dumplings for now. I've got some vegetables and meat left — shall I stir-fry those?"

"Just bring whatever!"

Why take it out on me... From the look of it, Yuan Shu favored Yang Hong a little more than her, and she was jealous. That same old, exhausting preference for the clever talkers over the fighters.

And once Sun Jian joined up, Qi Ling would be shoved down to second option — no wonder she was in a foul mood. But the important point was something else entirely.

Sun Jian was a man, too.

Yuan Shu's party drank and caroused for about two hours before they left. And just before they went, Yuan Shu unexpectedly spoke to me.

"When Yuan Shao shows up, you tell me."

"Yes..."

If you're going to ask a favor, couldn't you at least toss me a single coin? But Yuan Shu seemed to find spending money on anyone outside his own people too painful, and walked out empty-handed.

"So that was the legitimate heir of the great Yuan clan — the family that produced the Three Excellencies across four generations?"

Yu Bi came over and asked. Given that Yuan Shao was the son of a concubine, it was fair enough that Yuan Shu got treated as the true heir.

"His manner was better than ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠I expected. A bit arrogant, maybe, but not a complete unhinged bastard — I was almost surprised."

"You seem unusually interested in the famous names of the realm, Do Yeop. Just now you saw through that man's identity at a glance and even spoke ill of Yuan Shao, did you not?"

"That much is just the kind of gossip you pick up wandering the world. Anyway — shall we call it a night?"

"..."

Yu Bi's eyes shone bright as she looked at me. The kind of atmosphere that almost felt like a heart-skip. Not that she was actually sending me seductive looks.

She was simply curious — a nobody waiter had instantly recognized Yuan Shu and rattled off all sorts of trivia. Why that interested her, I couldn't say.

Three days passed like that. Chwiwharu sat high enough in Luoyang's hierarchy that every kind of rumor flowed in freely.

"The Emperor's changed, so they ought to slaughter every last one of those eunuchs — what's the General-in-Chief doing? Jian Shuo's dead and he's still going easy on the remnants. Why?"

"I hear the Empress Dowager is protecting the eunuchs for all she's worth. With the Emperor so young you'd think she'd be regent, but the General-in-Chief's power is even greater, so she can't just leave them be."

"Brother and sister going at each other over influence — this is no time for that..."

Judging by the rumors, the political situation was careening toward chaos. Yu Bi came over and asked,

"What is going to happen from here?"

"Pardon? Why are you always so interested in politics, Yu Bi... The clash between the Ten Attendants and He Jin is a fate they can't avoid. He Jin's side will make a move soon enough."

"But if the Empress Dowager is shielding the eunuchs so fiercely, does the General-in-Chief not lack a pretext?"

"Pretexts are made, not found."

"What... do you mean by that?"

I knew perfectly well what was coming — but I couldn't say any more. Because a customer had just walked in.

"Welcome! A window seat all right?"

"The innermost one. There's a table with a screen, I believe?"

"...?"

Chwiwharu was one of the few two-story buildings in Luoyang. At night, ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠looking down on the lantern-stitched cityscape was the whole point of the place — and this customer was volunteering for the most secluded corner in the house.

He was a tall man, nearly eight chi. His skin was pale and fine as a woman's, and yet those broad, solid shoulders carried a wild kind of beauty. His features were so sharply cut they could have turned every man in this city — hundreds of kilometers from any ocean — into a squid by comparison. I was not exaggerating: even in modern Korea, I had never seen a man this handsome.

"Are you going to show us in, or just stand there?"

The man with him was an old fellow with a full head of white hair. But he was no ordinary neighborhood grandfather. He had ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠the look of a park chin-up bar regular packed with practical, compressed muscle, and a voice that boomed like a hero's.

I led the two of them to their table. Before I'd even taken an order, the young man raised a hand.

"Wine and light vegetables will do. And next time you come, send someone other than yourself."

"Y-yes, sir."

Did I mess something up? But he didn't look particularly annoyed, so it wasn't that the service had offended him.

"Yu Bi? Could you take wine and vegetables over to the screened table in the back?"

I did as instructed and asked Yu Bi to serve them in my place. Not long after, an angry old man's voice erupted from the inner table.

"How dare you send a leper like her in here — do you even know where you are!?"

"...!?"

Something had gone wrong. I hurried behind the screen to find that vigorous old man red all the way to his ears, raging at Yu Bi.

"Ah— I only brought the wine and side dishes as you asked..."

"Get out of my sight!"

"Compose yourself, Inspector Ding of Bingzhou. You there — next time, send no one at all until we call."

It was the young beauty of a man who looked embarrassed on their behalf and reined the other in. I bowed my head several times, took Yu Bi, and got us out of there.

"I'm sorry, Yu Bi. I never imagined he'd explode like that. He just said to send someone other than me, so..."

"It is nothing. This is hardly the first or second time, and I have grown rather used to it. However... I overheard something rather strange."

"What was it?"

Yu Bi brought her lips to my ear, as if afraid someone might overhear. At the same time Spotty was shooting me a look of pure disgust. Another weird misunderstanding, no doubt.

"They were clearly of an age to be father and son — and yet the older one was addressing the other as 'Lord Yuan.'"

"..."

This was Luoyang. Later on, Dong Zhuo would line the walls with severed heads and still not run out of Yuans. But maybe because Yuan Shu had only just visited, I couldn't help zeroing in on a particular candidate.

And that wasn't the only suspicious detail.

"Yu Bi — the young man called the older one 'Inspector Ding of Bingzhou.'"

"What a peculiar name. How can a person's name be Inspector Ding of Bing—"

"No. He wasn't using a name. He was addressing the man by his office. And there's only one person in the realm you would call that way: Ding Yuan, the Inspector of Bingzhou."

"What!? Why would a man of the Inspector of Bingzhou's standing come to Chwiwharu at this hour?"

"Chwiwharu is fairly well known, isn't it? Yuan Shu himself stopped in for a drink not long ago."

"Even so, a man of that rank — I would have expected him to order the most expensive wine and dishes in the house."

"They probably wanted a private conversation. That's why he deliberately asked for someone else to bring the food. You don't want one person hearing too much."

I hadn't been rude, so there was no other reason to specifically call for a different server. The place was so open that no one would suspect a secret meeting was happening right here — a classic empty-fort strategy of openness as camouflage.

"Then... who exactly is that young man?"

Yu Bi had probably half-guessed already. With the conflict between He Jin and the Ten Attendants at its peak, there was only one man in the realm who would meet Ding Yuan to hatch a plot.

"That would be Yuan Benchu — Yuan Shao himself."