Matters of Passion
My first reception in the imperial palace since becoming a eunuch — and what I walked straight into was Yu Byeon's sister complex so deranged it put Hitomi to shame.
Ah, no! At this rate she'll throw herself into a pond again before Empress Dowager Ha even gets the chance to poison her.
But the moment a White-Haired Failure with an average ability of 20 like me tried to step in for Yu Hyeop, the Imperial Guards would tear me to shreds. So what was I supposed to do?
"It's a qilin! An auspicious qilin has appeared riding a rainbow!!!!"
So I just screamed it. At the word qilin, Yu Byeon startled and released Yu Hyeop, rising from his seat.
"A-a qilin has appeared?"
"A real qilin! It's flying toward the East Gate right now!!!!"
I bellowed with every last scrap of strength left from nursing. Yu Byeon immediately stormed out with his eunuchs in tow, and Yu Hyeop seized the opening, sniffling as she fled.
"Do Yeop, you stay."
We returned to the royal palace. Everyone was about to withdraw once they'd caught their breath, when Yu Hyeop singled me out with a sharp jab of her finger and kept me behind in her chambers.
"Was it you?"
She was putting on a brave front, but the tear tracks still marked her face. Just looking at them made my chest ache, and I carefully averted my eyes.
"I don't know what Your Majesty means..."
"You were ready to die, weren't you? Daring to spy on the Son of Heaven's chambers?"
"So I was supposed to just stand there and do nothing?"
"..."
Yu Hyeop said nothing more. She only stared at me endlessly with the eyes of a kitten wondering what on earth this creature was.
"Tell them there will be no night watch tonight."
"Uh... that seems a bit much, doesn't it? You haven't forgotten what happened yesterday, have you? Even if you give that order, I'll still be here."
"Then you'll stand the night watch alone."
"...?"
Was this that imperial habit of talking in circles? She had something important to say, so she was dismissing every other eunuch and telling only me to come?
Night fell. At the news that there would be no night watch, the eunuchs practically skipped back to their quarters to catch up on sleep.
I, however, only then rose from my place and made my way to Yu Hyeop's chambers. Standing before the door, I steadied my breath and called to her.
"It is Do Yeop."
"Enter."
Receiving permission, I stepped inside. Yu Hyeop sat waiting for me on the bed, with fewer candles lit than usual — only a sparse handful.
"..."
But I couldn't think of a single greeting. Because her attire was far too bizarre.
"Why do you say nothing?"
"Well... perhaps I should step out again so you can put on a few more clothes?"
She was in her undergarments. Of course they weren't modern panties and a bra, but at a glance she wore nothing but a thin silk shift so sheer her bare skin showed clean through.
Shhh...
Instead of granting my exit, Yu Hyeop turned her face toward the window. Then, with a quiet smile, she spoke.
"How small the moon has grown. Do you know how the moon changes?"
"The light begins to fill from the right. After fifteen days it becomes a full moon, then gradually fades from the left. Another fifteen days later, when the moon vanishes completely, that is the new moon — and from there a new month begins."
The ancient China I lived in used the lunar calendar. A month was counted from the disappearance of the moon.
"You know it well. Not long ago I saw a full moon, perfectly round. Did you see it too?"
"Yes. It was the day I first met Your Majesty."
How did I remember that? Because that day I'd sat side by side with Yu Bi, looking up at the full moon and talking quietly together.
Come to think of it, was Yu Bi doing all right? No Sik would have secured her a pardon by now, so she'd probably been reassigned back to Godang.
She was definitely resenting me. Or no — she was such a soft touch she might have just written it off as stepping in dung and forgotten the whole thing long ago.
"You... remembered?"
Separate from all that, Yu Hyeop turned to look at me with a faintly startled expression. As if she believed the reason I remembered that day had nothing to do with Yu Bi, and everything to do with her.
"I have something I wish to ask."
"Ask me anything."
"How did you save me that day? I know you pulled me from the water. But since then I've had some pain in my chest."
"Ah... I'm truly sorry about that. I thought your heart had stopped, so I applied some pressure. It's called CPR — where I come from, it's extremely effective..."
"Meaning you put your hands on my body?"
"P-putting my hands on you is a bit of a stretch — it was purely medical, a kind of emergency measure, you could even call it necessity..."
"When I came to, what were you doing to me?"
"What... do you mean?"
Why is she like this? It's true I tried every method I knew yesterday just to keep her alive, but if she asks that bluntly, what am I supposed to say?
"You were pressing your lips to mine."
"Pressing my lips to yours!? That's called artificial respiration — a sophisticated medical procedure where you breathe air into someone!"
I'm finished! At this rate I'll be hanged for molesting a member of the imperial family before Yu Hyeop even dies to Empress Dowager Ha.
But Yu Hyeop had only been asking about yesterday. She didn't seem inclined to blame me.
"I am not trying to fault you. I have lived my entire life knowing nothing of the intimate affairs between men and women. So you were the first person whose lips ever touched mine."
"I'll say it again — I didn't kiss you, it was artificial respiration..."
"Hold me."
"...?"
For a moment I thought I'd misheard. Hadn't the Hitomi business already ended earlier?
But Yu Hyeop's expression was anything but ordinary. Every scrap of royal dignity had vanished; both her cheeks were flushed deep red, and she lifted those hazy kitten eyes with visible effort, yearning for something.
"I don't understand what you mean."
"Did you not see earlier? In the end the Son of Heaven will take me. And not long after, I will die a wretched death by poison. When the marriage talks were going around last time, the palace maids said it — that joining in passion between a man and a woman is the greatest pleasure of all. So before I die, I want to experience it once. And I want it to be you."
"..."
I'd never heard anyone dress up a request for sex that elegantly before. But did she honestly think that made any sense right now?
"Does Your Highness understand what you're saying? What exactly are you proposing we do?"
"I don't know the proper name for it. But I want you to hold me. Kiss me the way you did then, and caress my body the way the Son of Heaven meant to."
"Don't say such absurd things! I know Your Majesty is in a truly desperate situation, but why on earth would you say that to me?"
"Is there anyone else? Around me there are only eunuchs and palace maids. And among them, the only one who is a man is you. You alone."
"..."
Well, there was hardly going to be a wooden phallus lying around in the sacred royal palace, so calling me the only human dildo available wasn't wrong. But setting that aside, I was struck all over again by just how lonely a creature Yu Hyeop was.
She'd said she had nothing but a single dog, but that wasn't true. The eunuchs, the palace maids, the royal palace and all its grounds — all of it was hers.
But were those things she truly wanted to own?
If they had been, she wouldn't have needed to ask Chosun to help her sneak out of the palace. She wouldn't have needed to beg a lowly eunuch to fetch ointment for her.
A pitiful life under assassination threat from her stepmother and the threat of violation from her own brother. And so, to the only person she could trust, she had set aside every shred of royal pride and made this shameful request.
"I can't."
"Why not?"
"Not for a reason like that. Sex... this act isn't just play. It's how people create people — if gods exist, it's the one sacred chance they gave humans to create other humans themselves. And if the only reason is that there's no one else, then no. Someday, with someone Your Majesty truly cherishes and loves..."
"Did I not already tell you I have no such person!? If left alone I will be violated by the Son of Heaven. In the end I will drink poison and die! And yet... and yet why won't you grant me even this one small request? Hic... hic..."
Yu Hyeop broke down in tears. Just as she had the day she lost her dog and wept without restraint — a sound that wrung out whatever conscience I still had left.
"No. Your Majesty will live far longer than you think. Not only that — one day, you will become the Son of Heaven yourself."
"...?"
Yu Hyeop lifted her tear-soaked face. I dropped to one knee before her, took her slender hand, and poured courage into it.
"Wait. That day will come soon enough."
"Do you know what you're saying? Those are the words of a traitor."
"Do you truly believe this world has no traitors? Trust me. Your Majesty will neither be violated by the Son of Heaven nor poisoned by the Empress Dowager."
"..."
I knew she wouldn't be able to believe me. Even so, I hoped she would wait just a little longer.
Because just now, she had completely moved my heart.
That obsession with survival that hadn't wavered even when she tried to drown herself right in front of me — it had vanished entirely before the abject humility of someone who had just laid everything down.
On the way back to my quarters, a dark shadow was already waiting for me some distance ahead.
Step, step...
Chosun walked straight up to me. Then she demanded, her voice thick with anger:
"The Empress Dowager has summoned the Grand General. Why did you say those things? Just what do you know?"
At last, D-day was one day away. Originally the plan had been to expose the Ten Eunuchs' entire conspiracy here and keep He Jin alive.
"Tomorrow, come to the royal palace before the Grand General enters court. The King of Chenliu will likely be summoned to the imperial palace as well."
But I wasn't going to tell her. If I had to let one of them die — He Jin or Yu Hyeop — it would always be He Jin. Because he was always meant to die.
"I won't come until you tell me. Or do we truly have to spill blood right here?"
Whip! Chosun thrust her dagger at me once more. In that case, I would have to show her my resolve here and now.
Softly... softly...
I stepped forward as if I'd forgotten the blade existed. A sharp, needle-like pain pricked my throat, and then a reeking liquid began to trickle down my skin.
"Wh-what are you doing!?"
Chosun recoiled in shock and pulled the knife back. Without so much as a gesture toward wiping the blood, I spoke to her.
"All of it is for Her Majesty. So just this once — follow your own feelings, not the orders of the Intendant of Henan."
"..."
Her claim that loyalty to the nation came before the suffering of one young girl. I didn't believe it.
A woman as beautiful as her could never spit out something that cruel so casually.
"You will explain everything later. Without fail."
And Chosun repaid that faith of mine. She must have had a mountain of questions, but she trusted the will I'd just shown her and turned her back of her own accord.
Sss...
I wiped the blood from my neck. And at the same time, I realized just how absurd a thing I had done.
If He Jin died, Dong Zhuo would come. Yu Byeon and Empress Dowager Ha would be murdered, and Yu Hyeop would become a puppet emperor dancing on the palms of traitors.
Once the age of chaos arrived, a White-Haired Failure like me could drop dead screaming anywhere and it wouldn't be strange. But this was the only way to save Yu Hyeop right now.
So how was I going to survive? And how was I planning to save Chosun from the clutches of Dong Zhuo and Lü Bu?
It'll work out somehow...