The Most Humiliating Death a Man Can Suffer
They say that if you die jerking off, an erotic game you’ve never even touched will come out to greet you. Three straight days of nothing but fapping, until your heart finally gives out. Isn’t that the ultimate humiliation for a man? …Actually, maybe it’s not just men who’d find it humiliating. Wouldn’t women feel the same? No, this isn’t the time for that kind of nonsense. Whether it’s the greatest shame for men or for women too, the important thing is that I’m about to die from beating my meat one too many times.
I’m sprawled on the floor, dying, yet my mind keeps drifting to random garbage. I force the stray thoughts away and struggle desperately to stay alive. If anyone saw me right now, they’d probably say they’d never witnessed a more pathetic sight in their life. My body twitches and writhes where it lies. Maybe it’s because I can’t draw a proper breath. Even rolling over feels like it might kill me. Still, I somehow manage to flop onto my back with a pathetic groan. Sweat coats my face. Tears and snot stream from my eyes and nose.
It feels like I’m going to die from the effort, but no one actually chooses death just because it’s hard. I’m no exception. Especially not when it means being found as a rotting corpse in a room that reeks of stale cum. A naked body collapsed in front of a computer monitor. On that brightly glowing screen, an endless parade of men enjoying a single woman. Below it, a mountain of crumpled, smelly wet wipes scattered across the desk. And an onahole rolling across the floor like it owns the place.
If the neighbors reported a foul stench and the police showed up to this scene, what would they think? “Oh no! This is clearly a murder!” and solemnly vow to avenge my tragic end? Yeah, right. They’d probably just click their tongues and mutter, “What an idiot. Died jerking off,” before cleaning up the mess. Of course, since that is exactly what happened, I’d have no defense. But I refuse to go out like that. Anything but such a shameful death!
To prevent that humiliating future, I raise a fist and slam it against my chest with everything I have, hard enough to crack bone. Ignoring the explosion of pain, I strike again. The agony feels like my ribs are shattering, and for a split second the vile thought ‘Honestly, even if I survive, what else would I do but keep fapping?’ flashes through my mind. I shove it away and hit myself once more. After a few more thunderous blows—
“Kehk!! Krrgh…! Hic…”
My heart, which had gone on strike, begins to sluggishly return to work. My pathetic face, already drenched in tears and snot, twists horribly from the violent coughing and the pain radiating from my ribs, but a smile still forces its way out. Ah. I’m alive.
After miraculously surviving, I lay on the floor for a long time before cautiously gathering myself and standing up. Maybe it was because I had just barely escaped death, but the monitor that had been turning me on moments ago now looked utterly repulsive. And what the hell was this room? It was a garbage dump. The stench was unbearable. Wait, what are these? Dozens of colorful onaholes rolling around on the floor. The house I’d grown used to suddenly felt completely foreign.
Was this really how I’d been living? No wonder I almost died. Honestly, even if I had died, I’d have no right to complain. At this point, the fact that I’d survived this long was already a miracle. …A miracle?
Come to think of it, forcing my heart to start beating again like some kind of caveman was pretty miraculous too. Normally people just flail around helplessly until they die… No, most of the time they don’t even get to flail. They just collapse with a pathetic little twitch, face down on the floor, groaning until they fade away. That was far more common. Nine out of ten probably went like that.
…Maybe the heavens had thrown that little trial at me because they couldn’t stand how pathetically I was living. Yeah, look at my condition right now. This isn’t the body of someone who was dying with their heart stopped moments ago. Energy surges through me. My mind has never been clearer. My thoughts have never been healthier. That’s right. I’ve been reborn.
I can’t waste this new body on the same garbage. Time to go outside, look for a proper job. I can’t let my clean mind get filthy again. I should clean this place, do laundry, and cook for myself after so long. Look at my soul. Could it possibly feel more fulfilled? Maybe I should even start going to church. And that faint light slipping through the curtains—how beautiful is that? Ah, I want to see sunlight again. How long have I been trapped in the dark like some criminal?
If I wash my body in that light, I feel like my resolve to live a new life will finally feel real. Just stepping forward to pull the curtains open feels strangely tense. With this single step, with this tiny action, I will truly be reborn. Oh heavens. If you see that I’m beyond saving, then just kill me here and let me start over. Right now! I take the step!
The moment I dramatically lifted my foot with all that grand resolve, one of the onaholes still rolling around the room decided to roll right under it. It slid perfectly beneath my sole. I stepped on it, slipped, and went flying. My head slammed against the corner of the desk with a sickening crack. Blood poured from the back of my skull. But that wasn’t the end.
When you fall, you inevitably meet the floor. And of course, I hit the back of my head against that too. More blood gushed out. In my fading vision I could see the brightly lit monitor and the computer tower on the desk. Maybe from the impact of my head hitting the desk, the tower was wobbling dangerously. It finally tipped over the edge. And the angle it was falling at… was straight toward my face.
Before I could even raise my arms to protect myself, the computer tower smashed into my forehead. Blood sprayed from the front of my skull too. Front and back of my head bleeding equally, I couldn’t hold on any longer. …In my fading consciousness, all I felt was regret and resentment….
Thus ended my first life. Died after slipping on an onahole while fapping. In simple terms, an accidental slip to death.
“Uwaaaaaaaaaaagh!!!!!”
My body shot upright.
“Kyaaaaaaaaaaaagh!!!!!”
Crash!!! My body went flying.
I landed on a blanket spread across the floor. When I lifted my head, I saw a woman with long hair. Wait, what? Was that scream from her? For someone with such a cool appearance, that was an embarrassingly girlish shriek. Anyway. The ceiling that met my eyes after being knocked flat was… how should I put it? Extremely unfamiliar.
That strange woman, this building, everything was new to me. A hospital? It looked far too run-down for a hospital, and her clothes definitely weren’t a nurse’s uniform. What even was that outfit? It looked like something from a historical drama, yet the armor had a strangely modern feel to it.
“B-Bangyeol!! Have you regained your senses?!”
“…Yes? You mean me?”
The woman pointing at me in shock called me Bangyeol. What kind of half-assed name was that?
“By the heavens! To think you would regain consciousness after your head was smashed so horribly… It is truly fortunate!”
“Wait, what do you mean Bangye—”
“I shall summon my elder sister and Yide at once. They will both surely rejoice!”
Before I could get another word in, she blurted everything out and dashed away. From behind, I could see the tips of her ears burning red. She was probably mortified by that girlish scream from earlier and had fled in embarrassment.
Who the hell was this Bangyeol she kept mistaking me for? I’d never heard that name in my life. More importantly, was my head okay? My last memory was of my skull cracking as the computer tower fell on my forehead… Or was it? Was the last thing I remembered my head getting smashed by the handle of the Zhangba serpent spear during a drinking party with Liu Bei? I couldn’t tell.
I touched my head, which was wrapped tightly in bandages. There was no pain, and it didn’t seem like there was a wound. That was a relief. …Wait a second. Zhangba serpent spear? Liu Bei? Oh my god. The woman who just ran out. That was Guan Yu, wasn’t it?
Guan Yu? That manly warrior let out a scream like a little girl? As expected of that bastard. When he caught Hua Xiong and drank, he definitely blew on his cold wine with a dainty little “hoo hoo.” And when he got surgery from Hua Tuo, I bet he screamed like a girl and slapped his subordinate for using both “double” and “triple” while playing omok.
No, that’s not what’s important here. My head is messed up. I remember all the trivial things from the past, so it doesn’t seem like amnesia. I even remember taking the toy gun my older sister gave me to kindergarten to show it off. I remember learning to read and write from a teacher that my mother barely managed to invite through her connections back in Dontou Village. Thanks to that, I placed third in my class during elementary school and bragged to my parents. As a reward, they even had clothes made for me from the silk that’s only sold in Yizhou.
…Wait, what the hell am I saying? Dontou Village? Yizhou? What is all this nonsense!
My mind was tangled like a mess of knotted thread. Why did I receive training in horse riding and archery? Horse riding? The only time I ever rode a horse was once during a school trip to Jeju Island. It felt like I was peeking into someone else’s memories. It was hard to explain, but my body felt awkward, like I was wearing someone else’s skin. Common sense I shouldn’t know felt familiar, and memories that shouldn’t belong to me were as vivid as my own. …This felt ominous.