The Honey Water Princess's Fatal Allure
There's an old saying that if you die while jerking off to a game you've never even played before, the developers will come greet you at the gates. Elder's Gate Kings 3 is an alternate-history fantasy open-world dynasty simulator crafted by Divinity Studio's top developer, Dot Hayward. Anyone hearing that description would call it a nonsensical mishmash of genres, yet that's exactly how Divinity Studio presented it at their showcase—and the game itself lived up to the claim. Behind its creation lies one man's tragic story.
Four years ago, in autumn, Dot Hayward had already ruined his dreams, reputation, and life by releasing the disastrous space exploration sim Stardew Field. His grand ambition to retire honorably after launch collapsed when reviews sank straight through the floor into the basement. Retiring now would only invite accusations that he'd fled after making trash, so Hayward had no choice but to scrap retirement and pour everything into Elder's Gate Kings 3.
With a massive stain on his once-glorious career, he threw himself into development with single-minded determination, cutting ties even with his beloved chess club and insect enthusiast gatherings. The eyes of the overtime-working Hayward burned with the rage and madness of a conscript whose final leave had been canceled. Four years passed like that.
Upon completing Elder's Gate Kings 3, Dot Hayward waited anxiously for reviews. Drowning in praise, he finally found redemption.
Like everyone else, I too bought Elder's Gate Kings 3 after reading glowing reviews. I had zero regrets about that choice. Gazing at the vast continent faithfully recreating Europe, North Africa, the Middle East, and India, I thought, Ah, so that's why he was grinding his teeth after that last flop, and marveled. The worldbuilding seamlessly blended meticulous historical accuracy with fantasy elements like unique races and magic. No reason to regret buying a game like this.
The goal is to ensure your dynasty survives from 180 to 1453 without collapsing—perfect for someone like me who already enjoyed that style of game. On top of that, its modder-friendly nature meant countless mods flooded in as creators competed. For fans of the Elder's Gate Kings series, it was paradise. There were massive overhaul mods, region additions, era expansions, race additions, and more—but by far the most popular were the adult mods.
Of course, I installed adult mods too.
- Ah… Ahh! Uncle! You can't do that!
- Krheheheht… Cordelia. You've grown so beautifully, just like your mother…
- Ungh! Th-that's not that kind of hole!
- Heh… Your mother resisted like that at first too. It's fine. Cute little Cordelia… Uncle will teach you everything step by step in place of your dead father.
- You bastard, aren't you the one who sold your mom as a concubine to the Holy Roman Emperor and posted that brag thread after getting three years of tax exemption? lololol
-(Gahwamansaseong con)
- If she gives birth it'll prevent cuckooing, so what's the problem?
ㄴGet out.
Adding one intriguing mod after another whenever I got bored, I ended up playing nothing but Elder's Gate Kings 3 for a long time. "Enjoying" doesn't even cover it. For years I didn't so much as glance at another game, completely absorbed in Elder's Gate Kings 3. It was a shame East Asia wasn't implemented, but the game was still magnificent enough that ordinary titles could no longer satisfy me.
Staying holed up at home, cutting sleep to cling to Elder's Gate Kings 3, I looked every bit the life-abandoned shut-in. What about school or work? …Embarrassingly, I'd been unemployed ever since graduating university.
Until graduation, I wasn't the game-obsessed shut-in I am now. I actually had proper dreams—at least until I enlisted. Nothing particularly dramatic happened in the military. It was just the army everyone goes to, so I had no complaints about being dragged in. Being at the front line actually got me three extra days of leave per month. It wasn't some deadly GP where you might run into northerners, but because it was a GOP, the seniors were pretty lenient. Having plenty of peers was nice too… though one of them was such an idiot it pissed me off. Aside from that one guy, the rest were decent, so no real grievances.
Among so many people, only one was insufferable—that's practically lucky. The juniors did well with the seniors even if I don't know how they got along among themselves. In short, my military service was better than most. The problem was simply that I had to go at all.
Who was I? An asocial kid who read books alone in the library because he couldn't afford PC bangs in elementary school. A chuunibyou patient who devoured Japanese mystery novels in the library during middle school. A fantasy-novel addict who blew his meager allowance on PC bangs and read alone in high school. A Korean literature major who was terrible at math and only good at Korean, with zero social skills. An asocial wreck more comfortable tapping keyboards in PC bangs or reading in library corners than talking to people. That's why adapting to the military took so much effort. The fact that I can reminisce without calling the army complete garbage and instead say I was lucky to meet decent people proves it.
Most people I met there had better social skills than me, so my assessment was fair. That doesn't mean service wasn't awful. It was fucking terrible. Still, I endured 21 brutal months of effort to adapt, and my social skills improved by a rat's turd's worth. The price was burning out the moment I was discharged.
…Fuck. Burnout demands rest, rest breeds laziness, laziness becomes habit, and habit becomes part of life—leaving most of your days steeped in idleness. At least, that's how it went for me. Using the excuse that I needed "a little" rest, I graduated, locked myself in my room, and fiddled with my computer all day.
I never imagined that "little" rest would stretch into days, then weeks, then months, then years, continuing right up to now.
While living that life, wasting tissues and wet wipes in my room, one day the trailer for the East Asia 180 scenario mod (adult mod compatible) dropped. East Asia, 180. Four years before the Yellow Turban Rebellion that marks the start of the Three Kingdoms period. Anyone who's played the once-popular Romance of the Three Kingdoms series that Ga-ei used to churn out knows this. A Three Kingdoms game as an open-world dynasty sim? With adult mod support? And Cao Cao is a woman…
Why would I resist that?
I waited three sleepless days. While downloading the newly released East Asia 180 scenario mod (adult mod compatible), I watched the developer's play video and considered jerking off. Actually, I was debating whether to jerk off. How could anyone stay up all night just to masturbate? I'm not a monkey. Though I'd already done it multiple times without sleeping… Any more and I'd definitely be beneath monkeys. Yeah, enough jerking off. Just quietly watch the play video…
What the hell, is that Yuan Shu?
"Haah… haah… My throat… it feels like it's burning… Ah! You there! Yes, you smelly things. I'll grant you the honor of offering this body honey water. Hurry up and—"
"What the fuck is wrong with this crazy bitch… No, wait—isn't that Yuan Shu?!"
"…You're right! I saw her when she forced us to build that palace during harvest season! Damn bitch, because of you the crops failed and everyone starved doing forced labor! You fucking whore!"
"Kuhuhuhu! You stupid bitch, do you even know how much your head is worth to show up here?! Listen, let's kill her quick before the others swarm in!"
"…Wait. Killing her right away feels like a waste. How about we have some fun first?"
"Uwahaha!!! You actually want to stick it in that? …Though her personality's fucked, now that I'm looking she's pretty decent-looking."
"Ha! Fucking bitch, I'm claiming that mouth of yours. Honey water? The only thing you'll be drinking is my cum and piss, you slut!"
"Wh-what kind of nonsense are these lunatics spouting?! …Ji Ling! What are you doing, Ji Ling?! Cut their heads off right now! …Ji Ling?"
You tremble at their vulgar insults and call for Ji Ling as usual.
…Huh? What's going on? Ji Ling, who would leap up even from sleep to answer your call… isn't responding.
…Ah! Of course. Loyal Ji Ling threw himself at Zhang Fei to protect you in your moment of crisis. How could you forget?
Panicking, you look behind you, but there's no one there. Where is Zhang Xun? Where is Jia Xu? Your guards, your loyal bodyguards—where have they all gone? How could they leave you alone to face these filthy men? Did they flee? Or perhaps they collapsed from starvation. Or maybe they already sacrificed their lives for you earlier.
One thing is certain… Even as their erect members draw closer, you remain completely alone.
"Kuaaak! A honey-water bitch calling for handjobs! Come on then! Bring it!"
I'm not jerking off because I'm beneath monkeys. That honey-water bitch is seducing me. How am I supposed to resist?
Anyway, after fitting my fully erect shaft into the Attachment-Onahole Mimi-chan No.3 (virgin, 6 days 13 hours 11 minutes, marriage possible, excellently stimulates the upper glans) and shaking it for a while—
Vrrrrrrrt—!!!
"…Urk, hup! Kuaaah, guwaaak!!!"
…Huh? Wait, my heart, which had endured three days of abuse, couldn't handle the masturbation and stopped.