We’re Not There Beside Them (2)
When Cheong Myeong noticed Hyun Jong approaching, he started to get up from his seat.
But Hyun Jong gave a light wave and pushed him back down. Then he dropped down heavily beside him.
Cheong Myeong stared at him for a moment, and Hyun Jong gave a small laugh.
“What? Was that too undignified for the leader of a sect to do?”
“That’s not it, but…”
“I wasn’t born a sect leader, either.”
Hyun Jong looked out at the river flowing by, his expression a little bitter.
“When I first entered Mount Hua, things were actually more free than they are now.”
“...Pardon?”
“Hmm. That came out strangely. More than free, perhaps... yes, it would be more accurate to say that there was no structure at all.”
Cheong Myeong quietly nodded.
Come to think of it, that had to be the case.
At the upper generations, people vanished from one day to the next, and even the fellow disciples who had trained together with you could suddenly leave Mount Hua without warning. It would have been stranger if the sect had remained intact.
Hyun Jong, Hyun Sang, and Hyun Young.
Among the Hyun generation, these were the only three who still remained to guard Mount Hua.
Had they really been the only ones who entered Mount Hua as Hyun generation disciples? Of course not. So many had left, and only these few were left behind. Just three.
“I never imagined I’d become the sect leader, either. When I first entered, my rank wasn’t especially high. I had quite a few senior brothers above me.”
“...”
“Naturally, everyone thought the eldest senior brother would become sect leader.”
“That bastard?” Cheong Myeong asked bluntly. Hyun Jong chuckled at the word bastard.
“Yes. Everyone thought that bastard would become sect leader.”
“...”
Noticing Cheong Myeong’s face out of the corner of his eye, Hyun Jong slowly shook his head.
“There’s one thing you should understand.”
“...”
“The bastard you saw back then must have been ugly beyond words.”
“I won’t deny it.”
If someone like that had become Mount Hua’s sect leader, Cheong Myeong might truly have been done with Mount Hua then and there. No, even if he hadn’t given up on the sect, he would definitely have found some way to replace the sect leader.
Thinking about it, it really was fortunate. That the person holding Mount Hua’s sect leader’s seat had been someone trustworthy.
“But Cheong Myeong. Your senior brother wasn’t always like that.”
“...”
“The senior brother I knew when I was young was truly an admirable man. At least, to my eyes back then, he seemed like someone who could take hold of Mount Hua as it tilted and set it upright again.”
Hyun Jong slowly shook his head.
“But time changes people. It turns a young man who dreamed of riding the winds and clouds into a greedy old man, and it can turn a timid, awkward youth into someone who must bear the responsibility of an entire sect.”
After falling silent for a moment, Hyun Jong murmured softly.
“I have always been grateful to you.”
Cheong Myeong seemed about to say something, but Hyun Jong spoke first, as if determined to finish what he had to say.
“Not because you led Mount Hua for me. Not because you did what I should have done. The reason I’ve always been grateful to you is simple: you trusted me completely.”
“...Everyone in Mount Hua trusts the sect leader.”
“Yes. Perhaps that’s true. But... it’s a little different, isn’t it?”
Cheong Myeong couldn’t answer right away.
It was true that everyone in Mount Hua trusted Hyun Jong. But they had not trusted him with their whole hearts from the beginning.
Even the elders, who were his sworn brothers, had not truly believed that Hyun Jong, as the sect leader, could raise Mount Hua again. They had simply followed him because he was their senior brother.
The only person who had trusted Hyun Jong entirely and without reservation was Cheong Myeong.
Hyun Jong’s authority had not arisen from anywhere else. Because everyone else had seen how Cheong Myeong would tear apart anyone—no matter who they were—like a mad dog, yet never once defy Hyun Jong’s words, they naturally came to respect and trust Hyun Jong as well.
And Hyun Jong himself knew that better than anyone.
“As grateful as I was to you, I’ve also worked tirelessly to become someone not unworthy of being Mount Hua’s sect leader. But... it’s still not easy.”
“...Sect Leader.”
“You have always told me that the sect leader was a man with the right to do so. But I still don’t know whether I have that right.”
Hyun Jong smiled faintly.
“I suppose one’s nature can’t be helped.”
The sky had gone black, and the stars gathered there seemed as though they might pour down at any moment. Keeping his gaze fixed on that sight, Hyun Jong said,
“Shaolin has no intention of going to Jiangnan.”
“...”
“You already knew that, didn’t you?”
Cheong Myeong nodded. Then he added quietly,
“The sect leader already guessed, didn’t you?”
“Yes. I had my suspicions. Still, I didn’t want to abandon even that thread of hope. No—or perhaps I just wanted to buy some time that way. While I was going to hear the obvious answer, I could tell myself I was still doing something, instead of simply looking away from what was happening beyond that river.”
Hyun Jong let out a hollow laugh.
“You called it the price of spending a day standing by and doing nothing, didn’t you?”
“...”
“Yes. I understood what that meant. I did. But Cheong Myeong...”
There was bitterness in Hyun Jong’s voice.
“Even knowing the price... even if I don’t misunderstand it, I’m too cowardly a man to face that reality head-on.”
“Sect Leader...”
Hyun Jong gazed into the distance. Cheong Myeong could not tell what that desolate look of his was fixed upon.
“You said it before.”
“...”
“That in this world, there aren’t many things that can be divided neatly into right and wrong. That whichever choice one makes, it is simply different, not necessarily wrong.”
Cheong Myeong nodded. It was indeed something he had said to Hyun Jong.
“But Cheong Myeong...”
Hyun Jong let out a deep sigh.
“Just because something isn’t wrong doesn’t mean it’s right.”
“...”
“To me, that sounds the same as saying there is no correct answer in this world. If I must choose what cannot be chosen, and there is no answer, no better path, then what am I supposed to choose?”
Cheong Myeong saw it then: the tips of Hyun Jong’s fingers, faintly visible beneath his sleeve, were trembling pitifully.
“...I don’t have the courage to turn away from those dying on the far side of the river.”
“...”
“And yet I don’t have the courage to go to that side of the river, either. After telling all of you that you should know how to sacrifice your lives for righteousness, I still don’t have the confidence to watch you lose those lives over there.”
Hyun Jong slowly dragged a hand over his face. He looked, somehow, utterly exhausted.
“This is not a matter I can choose lightly. I am too small a man to bear that choice.”
He had always admitted, as he did now, that he was a small and lacking man. Cheong Myeong could vaguely imagine the countless torments and self-reproaches that must have hounded Hyun Jong all these years.
Still keeping his eyes fixed on the heavens, Hyun Jong said,
“After hearing the abbot’s words, I was furious beyond reason.”
“...”
“It was so cowardly... and so vile. It was obvious he was pursuing nothing but profit by any means necessary. A truly ugly sight.”
Thinking back on his conversation with Beop Jeong, Hyun Jong’s voice grew heavier.
“And yet... on the way back, I suddenly found myself thinking something else.”
Hyun Jong slowly closed his eyes and murmured, almost to himself.
“Perhaps I... am the one who doesn’t even have the courage to be cowardly.”
“...”
“The abbot’s choice may be cowardly, but it has a reason. He doesn’t want to see his disciples die on the far side of that river. Even if he is condemned, cursed, and pointed at for abandoning righteousness, he is still choosing to stand squarely with his disciples and protect them.”
“Sect Leader...”
“By your logic, that isn’t wrong either, is it? Is it really something that can be called wrong?”
“...”
“Perhaps... yes, perhaps that too is just another face of courage. Just as Heo Do-jin-in once chose what he had to, Beop Jeong may also know what he must do. The one who does not know what he should do...”
Hyun Jong was the one who did not know.
Cheong Myeong quietly looked at his face. Even in the dark, the red around his eyes was visible. For a moment, Cheong Myeong couldn’t hold back the sigh rising in him.
“I don’t know. Where the difference between them and me comes from. Whether it’s simply because I had no worthy elder to learn from. Or if it’s not that, then...”
“It isn’t that.”
Cheong Myeong shook his head firmly.
“What Mount Hua had to pass on was already passed on to the sect leader. If everything were done according to a predecessor’s will, there’d be no reason for the next generation to exist.”
“...”
“Someone who doesn’t think for himself can’t be called alive, even if he breathes.”
“Yes. Perhaps so...”
Hyun Jong nodded, then turned his gaze away. His reddened eyes settled on Cheong Myeong.
“So, Cheong Myeong...”
“Yes, sect leader.”
“Just a little...”
Hyun Jong paused for a moment. It seemed as though the words were too heavy to force out. But after a short silence, he finally pushed them from his lips.
“...Is it so terrible to be a little cowardly?”
“...”
His voice was trembling. It was obvious how much pain it caused him to say such a thing in front of his disciple. None of the Five Swords, listening from behind, could have failed to hear the tremor in that voice. Every one of them lowered their heads, unable to look at Hyun Jong.
“I know it, too... I know this is shameless. That it’s no different from Shaolin’s ugly choice. But I don’t know. I truly don’t know why it can’t be us.”
“...”
“Why must only Mount Hua stand there and face it head-on while Shaolin and Wudang shut their eyes and turn away from their own cowardice? Why in the world must it be us? For what reason?”
Cheong Myeong shut his eyes tightly.
He had once hurled this same question at Chung Mun. Why did it have to be Mount Hua? Why was it always Mount Hua that had to bear this burden?
He too had shouted until his voice was ragged, his words steeped in fury and hatred. And now Hyun Jong was asking him the very same question.
Hyun Jong continued with a sigh.
“There may be things to gain by not avoiding it. Yes, there surely are.”
“...”
“But are those gains really greater than what must be lost for them?”
Without waiting for Cheong Myeong’s answer, Hyun Jong shook his head.
“I can’t do it. I don’t have the courage...”
“...Sect Leader.”
“I... don’t have the confidence to stand before Baek Cheon’s body and tell him he did well for dying for righteousness. I don’t have the courage to smile before Yoon Jong’s grave, or to stand before that fool Jo Geol’s coffin and praise the meaning of his sacrifice! I don’t even have the courage to hold Lee Seol’s corpse in my arms and wail.”
“...”
“You want me to...”
Hyun Jong’s jaw trembled violently.
“You want me to stand over your corpse after it’s gone cold and tell the disciples who survived to follow that righteousness, is that it? Me? Me?”
Hyun Jong’s voice was beginning to fill with raw emotion.
“Is the pride we’re meant to take in this righteousness more important than the days those children still have left to live? Are they supposed to give up everything they might ever gain in the future just to preserve that value? For what in the world!”
“...”
“If that’s how it is...”
His voice had been rising, sharp with emotion, but in the next instant Hyun Jong gave a hollow laugh, as though everything had become meaningless.
“It would have been better to remain a small sect in Shaanxi...”
Unable to bear watching that expression any longer, Cheong Myeong closed his eyes instead.
“If I had known that recovering Mount Hua from the past would demand such a... such a cruel price, I would never have made that choice.”
“...”
“I would never...”
Hyun Jong’s head drooped as if he were collapsing inward.
Cheong Myeong could not bring himself to look at him. Instead, he cast a vacant gaze over the river flowing past them.
Senior brother.
A low groan slipped out like a sigh.
It’s difficult, senior brother.
There was no answer from Chung Mun.