So Far, Yet So Close (1)
I first realized my feelings for you when I was thirteen.
That day, just like any other, a friend asked me about our relationship.
“Yuchae, you like Yuseol, don't you?”
“Yeah. I do.”
“...Not like that. I mean as a guy.”
It was probably in the classroom during lunchtime.
Since it was a question I'd heard countless times over the years, I immediately turned it back on the friend who asked.
“Do you like Yuseol?”
“...Is it that obvious?”
“Yeah. Totally.”
Munch, munch.
I nodded, eating the strawberries I'd gotten for lunch.
My friend, cupping her cheeks with both hands, had a face as red as the strawberries I was eating.
Munch, munch. She really, really likes him.
“What about you... Ahem. I mean, what is it about Yujin that you like so much?”
“Well... there's just so much.”
“Tell me anyway. It must be some charm that I, as his childhood friend, don't know about.”
“You think so?”
My friend wiggled her fingers nervously and pulled her chair closer to mine.
Then, whispering as if it were a massive secret, she murmured in my ear...
“...So this is what love goggles look like.”
“It is not!”
I'd heard the reasons from four different girls this year alone, so why did they all like him for the exact same things?
Munch, munch.
I seriously pondered it, unable to understand.
“Is he handsome?”
“Yuchae, what are you talking about...?”
My friend frowned, looking as if she couldn't let that comment slide.
But I had my convictions.
“I mean, Yujin is good-looking, but isn't he more cute than handsome?”
“That's only because you're too close to him, Yuchae. He has his cute moments, but Yuseol is actually super handsome.”
“Really?”
“...Then let me ask you the opposite. Why do you think Yujin is cute?”
My friend asked with a slightly pouty look.
Heh.
I replied triumphantly, as if stating a universal truth on par with 'everyone loves fried chicken.'
“Because he's so adorable. And it's cute how he seriously argues that he's not cute whenever I call him that.”
“...I wish I could see that side of him too.”
Munch, munch. Looks like she got it.
“Mature, huh... Is Yuseol mature?”
“...Yuchae. You really have no eye for guys, do you?”
No eye for guys?
I literally handpicked only the sweetest strawberries from the batch to eat right now.
Even my mom can't do that.
“Think about it, Yuchae. Remember when the boys fought last time?”
“Seungmin and Seongho?”
“Right. When those two fought until they got bloody noses, Yuseol got there and stopped them faster than the teacher did.”
“Oh, right. He did.”
“And during the group project, when the presenter in Yujin's group got super nervous, he helped them out from the side and they ended up getting a perfect score.”
“Yeah, yeah. That happened too.”
“Even when the other boys are being loud and fooling around, Yuseol never joins in.”
“That's true too.”
“...Yuchae.”
“Huh?”
The strawberries were so delicious that I briefly thought about wanting more.
Did she catch me spacing out for a split second?
“And it was Yuseol who found you when you got lost during the last field trip.”
Contrary to my worries, my friend spoke with a serious face, as if presenting the ultimate piece of evidence.
Ugh... that's a dark history of mine.
“Well? You can't deny it this time, right?”
“...Seol-ah, you only say that because you don't know him. Yuseol is actually pretty childish. You remember how he had a splint on his pinky finger until last week?”
“Huh? Yeah, he did.”
“He hurt it playing Halli Galli one-on-one with me. He lost in a fierce battle to ring the bell.”
But I actually lost the game miserably.
That's a secret.
“...Wait, is that why the bell was dented?”
“Ah, right. I forgot to buy a replacement.”
“...Your hand is okay, right, Yuchae?”
“Of course!”
I smiled brightly and proudly held out my right hand.
For some reason, my friend's face paled, but she said, 'I'm glad you're okay,' so I guess it was fine.
My friend went on listing various other reasons after that.
To sum it all up, it was because he was handsome, mature, good at everything, and attentive...
Hmm. No matter how much I think about it, Yuseol is just a cutie.
He has a childish side where he plays dirty tricks just to avoid losing to his pretty childhood friend.
And to say he's good at everything... he's clumsy with his hands and a terrible actor. Yeah. Especially for someone who loves games, he's awful at them. A total Overwatch noob.
Still...
Yuseol is attentive, though.
That was the one reason I could actually understand.
Since I also like attentive people, I could somewhat understand my friend's feelings for Yujin.
Of course, back then, I still doubted whether attentiveness was enough of a reason to see Yujin as a man...
“I'll root for you.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. I'll do my absolute best to help you. I love this kind of stuff!”
What could be better than two of my favorite friends getting together?
“Thank you so much...! I knew telling you was the right choice, Yuchae!”
“Hehe. I'm already excited. My heart is going pit-a-pat!”
Although she had failed so far because Yujin had zero interest in romance...
But I, Chae Yujin.
Am a woman who doesn't know the meaning of giving up.
Just as I felt a strange flutter in my chest, fueled by the determination to hook my friends up this time...
“Guys! Yujin is going back to America!”
Minho burst through the classroom door and shouted.
“Huh? What do you mean by—”
“Whaaaaaaaat?!?!?!?!?”
“...Yu-Yuchae?”
That single sentence was the first step toward looking into my own heart.
My chest ached.
It was a different kind of pain from stuffing my face or running at full speed.
In other words, it was a pain I had never experienced before.
“Mom! Mo-o-om!!”
“What's wrong now, sweetie?”
I ran straight home the moment school ended.
My mom naturally led me to the bathroom to wash my hands as I clung to her in a frenzy.
I looked at my mom, who knelt down to dry my hands with a towel, and spoke.
“Mom!! Yuseol is going back to America...!!”
“Oh, really?”
“Ugh!! You can't just say 'oh, really' like that!!”
I stomped my feet and puffed out my cheeks.
My mom smiled gently and stroked my hair.
“Does my little girl hate the idea of Yujin going to America that much?”
“Of course!”
“Why?”
“What do you mean, why?! It's because...!”
“Yes?”
“...It's obviously because...”
Mumble, mumble...
My lips parted and closed repeatedly, unable to find the right words.
Why? Why couldn't I say it right away?
“...I-I mean, we're friends. If a friend you get along with suddenly leaves... yeah. Of course you'd hate it...”
My voice grew small, as if I were lying without realizing it.
Why did I shrink back when I was stating such a natural and obvious reason?
I didn't know.
I had never thought about a situation like this, so I didn't understand any of it.
But one thing was for sure—
“...Mom. I don't want to part with Yujin...”
I didn't want to part with him so much that tears welled up.
“My daughter must really, really like Yujin.”
“...I don't know. Who said he could just go to America...”
Hiccup—
Mom knelt down completely to match my eye level.
Then, she gently wiped my tears with a clean corner of the towel.
“Yujin going to America... But I haven't heard anything about that.”
“...I don't know. The kids suddenly said that today, *hic*.”
“Your friends did? Didn't Yujin go to Hawaii for his grandmother's birthday?”
“...Yeah. He was supposed to come back this evening...”
I nodded, letting Mom comfort me.
Mom stroked my head, lost in thought for a moment, and then...
“Why don't you ask Yujin yourself? Your friends might have gotten it wrong.”
She held both of my hands and smiled warmly.
“...*Hic*. Ask him myself?”
“You could call him, text him, or just ask him at school tomorrow.”
It might just be a rumor.
Which meant we didn't have to part.
My tears stopped at that thought, but then...
“But what if it's true!!!”
At the slight possibility that it might be true, even more tears poured out than before.
Mom hugged me tight and patted my back.
“Do you remember what I always tell our Yujin at times like this?”
“...That whatever choice I make is fine, so I should enjoy it as much as possible so I don't have regrets.”
“What do you think, Yujin? Do you think staying quiet and not asking is the best choice?”
Mom smiled gently and wiped away my tears.
At most, my choices back then were about what to eat for dinner.
Up until then, I had never experienced a situation where I could regret my choice.
So even though I had heard those words all the time, I hadn't really understood them, but...
“...I want to ask him today. I'm going to go and ask him myself.”
Moping around doing nothing just wasn't in my nature.
I absolutely hated the idea of running away and pretending not to know.
Even if it turned out to be true and we had to part, I would make sure to say a proper goodbye.
“I'm going to ask Yujin today.”
And tell him we must meet again.
“...Who on earth sent me to America?”
“...Huh?”
“I don't know who said that, but I'm not going to America. ...If I were going, I would've renounced my citizenship from the start. Sigh, I'd have to go to the military twice...”
That evening.
I dragged Yujin, who was exhausted from his grueling schedule, to the playground inside our apartment complex.
He had been extremely grumpy because I forced him to talk when he wanted to do it tomorrow, but as soon as he heard my story, he let out a sigh and his expression softened.
“Well, I guess you had a right to be upset. I thought you were sulking because I didn't give you your souvenirs right away.”
Yujin got up from the swing and stood in front of me.
Then, with a faint chuckle, he stretched.
......I was a total idiot for crying.
“...Hey!!”
“W-Wait?! Ack?! N-Not there!!”
Feeling vindicated and annoyed, I immediately started poking Yujin's ticklish spots.
Actually, Yujin was sensitive no matter where I touched him, so I just poked wherever my hands landed.
“Mean! So mean! Who told you to start rumors like that!!”
“I didn't start them?!”
“Hmph! Don't make excuses! And I wasn't sulking about souvenirs!”
“Ahaha?! T-Then you don't want them?!”
“I didn't say I didn't want them!!”
Patter, patter, patter!
A chase ensued under the moonlight.
Yujin tried his best to run away from me, but he was exhausted from the long flight.
On the other hand, I had eaten a hearty dinner to build up my courage.
On top of that, seeing his back as he kept running away made me imagine him leaving me one day...
“Don't run away!!”
“Don't chase me!!”
“What?! How could you say something so harsh...?!!”
“...Was that harsh?”
“I've decided! You're sleeping over at my house tonight!!”
“......?”
I was fully charged.
No one could stop me now.
“No way...”
“Yes way!!”
Only after we had run about ten laps around the playground did Yujin finally collapse onto the ground.
I hugged Yujin tightly from behind, rubbing my face against his neck.
...Even if just a little, feeling his warmth and scent for the first time in a week put me at ease.
“I can't... breathe...”
“Just pass out then.”
“...Dies.”
“You're not even passed out. Since you lied, I'm never letting you go.”
“Sorry. My bad. I won't do it again.”
“Hmph...”
So, without realizing it, I acted spoiled.
And so, I held him even tighter.
...Not wanting to let go, I waddled around the playground like a penguin while still hugging him.
“Don't ever let rumors like that start again. Got it?”
“...Yes. Though it's not really up to me...”
“Tsk.”
“...Yes. I'll make it happen somehow.”
Only after hearing a satisfactory answer did I let him go.
Yujin's face looked even more exhausted than before.
But seeing that tired face made me think he wouldn't be able to get into any trouble, which I quite liked.
“Hand.”
“...Yes.”
I also liked how he took my hand without any complaints.
Mm. My mood had improved.
“What did you eat there? Poke? Malasadas? Did you bring back poke and malasadas as souvenirs?!”
“...As if. I brought cookies and some other stuff, so I'll give them to you tomorrow.”
“Okay! I'll look forward to it!”
I swung our hands back and forth as we entered the complex.
Hating the fact that we already had to say goodbye, I didn't let go of his hand for a single second from the lobby to the elevator, but he did say we'd meet tomorrow.
Ding—
“...Why are you getting off?”
“To walk you to your door! Because I'm a cool girl like that.”
“...Uh, thanks.”
After getting off the elevator together, I watched Yujin open his door.
Only when the digital lock beeped open did I finally let go of his hand...
“Ah, now that I think about it, I am planning to study abroad.”
Out of nowhere.
Completely out of nowhere, he said those words.
“......Huh?”
“I'm thinking of the UK instead of America, but nothing's decided yet... *Yawn*... See you tomorrow.”
Yujin yawned and waved his hand.
Normally, I would have waved back, but...
Beep, click.
Even after the door locked and the hallway light went completely dark, I couldn't move.
“...Studying... abroad?”
My chest ached once again.