On Loneliness (3)
I left the house again today to head to my part-time job at the cafe. For some reason, the air felt different from yesterday. The world was still the same, of course, and I was still one step removed from it all.
While waiting for the light at the crosswalk, a sharp bark erupted at my feet. I looked down to see a white Maltese on a leash, yapping at me. Its owner quickly tugged the leash and soothed the dog. White fur, a face with three black beans for features, and that tiny frame. All of it suddenly reminded me of Som.
“It really is a little similar…” I muttered without thinking.
The light changed, and I moved along with the crowd. It was just a dog that had passed by, yet a small, empty corner of my chest fluttered on its own. Even amid the city noise, that short bark lingered strangely long in my ears.
My thoughts didn’t stop even while I worked that day. The familiar grinding of coffee beans sounded different today. Beyond that noise, Som’s wagging tail kept flickering in my mind.
The sun set, and streetlights flickered on one by one. Couples holding hands, people out walking their dogs. It was a scene I saw every day, but today their noise didn’t feel sharp. Instead, I found myself envying that warm, lively clamor.
Even my reflection in the shop window looked oddly unfamiliar. Being alone had always felt natural, but today that image felt particularly awkward.
**
The next day, autumn had fully settled on campus. Maple and ginkgo leaves fluttered in the breeze, sneaking the scent of fall through the classroom windows. That smell strangely stirred my heart.
“Hey, project groups are out. You, me, Jae-hyuk, and Yong-jun. You know everyone, right?”
While waiting for class, Chan-wook approached and tapped my shoulder.
“Oh, really? That’s good.”
“I told you to trust me. By the way, why do you keep acting like such a loner? You used to be pretty popular.”
“Well… I just…”
It was a short answer, but something inside me shifted. I’d thought being alone was comfortable, but lately that silence felt too grating.
After class, Chan-wook called over Jae-hyuk and Yong-jun. We talked about the project, then headed out for lunch.
“We had bossam yesterday, so today it’s tonkatsu.”
“Sounds good. Let’s go.”
The menu was decided in three seconds, and we made our way to the cafeteria. The noisy dining hall, the smell of oil, the nonstop chatter. It was an ordinary moment, but it felt strangely warm.
“Hey, Lee Jae-hyuk. What were you doing yesterday that you couldn’t pick up the phone?”
“Me? I took our Kong for a walk.”
“Ah, that one? How old is he now?”
“Just over four now. The little guy’s getting older too.”
Jae-hyuk proudly pulled out his phone and showed us a picture of his dog. It was a Welsh Corgi with charmingly short legs.
“This is my baby. Cute, right?”
“Those short legs look just like you.”
“Shut up, asshole.”
“He really is cute…”
Amid my friends’ playful banter, I quietly let out a sigh of admiration. The dog in the photo couldn’t be described with just the word “cute.” There was an infinite trust toward its owner shining in those small eyes.
“Oh, are you into dogs too?” Jae-hyuk asked, sounding surprised.
“Not really… I mean, they are pretty cute.”
“Right? They’re literal angels. He’s family. Completely.”
Our family.
That phrase lingered in my mind for a strangely long time. It carried the weight of a being you shared your life with, not just a simple animal. The mixture of responsibility and affection in that word kept nudging something inside me.
That night, I lay in bed but couldn’t fall asleep easily. When I closed my eyes, Jae-hyuk’s words came back to me.
He’s family.
Those words felt impossibly far from my own life. Tomorrow I would see my aunt and Som. More than excitement, anxiety came first. How could someone who could barely pay his own rent talk about taking responsibility for another living thing? I asked myself again and again.
But at the end of every question, the sensation from a year ago always remained. The small, warm weight on my lap. The tiny breath of a small life that had trusted me completely and fallen asleep. That memory kept shaking me.
Yeah. I’ll just go see. Go and… face it again. See if that warmth can still comfort me.
I looked at the reply from my aunt again and steeled myself.
Yeah~ See you Saturday for lunch!
**
The view outside the bus window on the way to my aunt’s neighborhood felt both unfamiliar and familiar. When I stood in front of the restaurant where we’d agreed to meet, my heart pounded for no reason.
“I’m nervous…”
I muttered to myself and opened the door. Warm air wrapped around me. Inside, my aunt waved with a bright smile.
“You’re here? It’s been so long! Come sit down.”
“Yes, Aunt. Have you been well?”
“Of course. You must be tired from the trip. How have you been lately?”
“Just… going to school, preparing for graduation, working part-time. Same as always.”
After my short answer, my gaze naturally dropped. It felt like she’d seen through the emptiness hidden behind the words “same as always.”
“Seung-ho, you’re holding up well. But if there’s anything hard, you have to tell me. Understand?”
Those words strangely stuck in my heart. The hand holding my chopsticks felt a little lighter.
Throughout the meal, my aunt kept the mood light with gentle jokes. For the first time in a while, I felt like I could breathe again in that laughter.
After we finished eating, we walked along the street where the autumn breeze brushed past us and arrived at my aunt’s house. The front door opened, and she stepped inside first.
“Som~ Mommy’s home!”
“Woof! Woof woof!”
A small shadow shot out like lightning toward the entrance. The moment Som saw my aunt, she wagged her tail frantically and rushed over. When that tiny body buried itself against my aunt’s leg, I could feel the deep bond between them completely.
“Som, Seung-ho oppa is here~ Do you remember him?”
At my aunt’s words, Som turned her head and looked at me.
“Hi, Som… It’s been a while.”
I gave an awkward smile and raised my hand slightly. But what came back wasn’t a warm welcome.
“Grrrr…”
Som let out a low growl in my direction. She wrinkled her nose and showed clear wariness with her whole body, then immediately ducked behind my aunt’s leg.
I hadn’t expected much, but the obvious rejection made my heart drop with a thud. Her tail was half-tucked, and she didn’t let her guard down toward me at all. Feeling embarrassed, I could only scratch the back of my head.
When we moved to the living room, my aunt brought out some tea. The gentle fragrance helped ease the tension a little.
“Seung-ho, what do you think after seeing Som again after so long? She’s still a bit shy, huh?”
“Yeah… I feel like I’m just making her uncomfortable.”
Som was still glued to my aunt’s feet, sneaking glances at me.
“Don’t overthink it. Just take it easy. Som needs time too.”
“I’m not sure if I can do this. I feel like I need to have a stronger sense of responsibility.”
“But Seung-ho, you’ve always been such a kind and warm child. Don’t be so scared.”
At my aunt’s gentle voice, the inside of my throat grew a little hot. I remembered the hand that used to pat my back whenever things were hard.
Just then, Som whined while looking at my aunt. My aunt brought over a bag of kibble and set it in front of me.
“Here, why don’t you try giving her some today?”
With clumsy hands, I scooped out the kibble and spilled a few pieces on the floor.
“Ah… I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. Everyone’s like that at first.”
When I set the bowl on the floor, Som approached, sniffing. But the moment she felt my gaze, she stopped dead a couple steps away.
“Som, it’s okay. You can eat.”
When my aunt stroked her and spoke, Som hesitated for a moment before burying her nose in the bowl. The sound of crunching kibble echoed softly through the living room.
“She’s eating… the food I gave her.”
It was a small thing, but my chest felt strangely full. It was like a door that had been closed was opening—just a tiny, very careful crack.
“Want to go for a walk together before it gets any colder?”
**
At my aunt’s suggestion, Som bounced around excitedly. As soon as we stepped out the front door, a cold wind brushed my cheeks, and Som immediately ran this way and that, sniffing the grass.
When we reached the park, I quietly stared at the leash in my aunt’s hand.
“Aunt… Could I try holding it?”
“Of course. Just be careful not to let go.”
The moment the leather leash touched my hand, a strange tension ran through me. This one small strap held the safety of a living being.
Som darted back and forth in front of me as if she’d been waiting for this.
“Hey, hey! Slow down!”
“Woof! Woof woof!”
When she saw another dog across the way, Som puffed up and barked wildly. Just as the leash nearly slipped from my hand, my aunt reached over and held it with me.
“Maltese can get a bit sensitive around dogs they don’t know. It’s okay. She’ll calm down soon.”
Just like my aunt said, Som gradually quieted and eventually lowered her tail.
On the way home after the walk, Som’s steps stayed closer to my side than before. That alone brought a strange sense of relief. At least she wasn’t running away.
When we got back inside, my aunt smiled and said,
“Som, you got a little closer to Seung-ho oppa today. Why don’t you try sitting on his lap?”
Som looked back and forth between my aunt’s face and mine, then cautiously approached me. But instead of my lap, she carefully sat down on the floor right at my feet. It seemed she still needed some distance.
Still, compared to her initial wariness, it was a huge improvement. I slowly reached out my hand. Som tensed at first, but then pressed her nose against my palm. The sensation was damp and cool.
“Whoa…”
My small exclamation made my aunt laugh. As Som returned to my aunt’s side, she glanced back at me once. It was a brief look, but there was no longer any wariness in it.
Before long, Som had fallen fast asleep in her usual spot. My aunt and I sat quietly at the dining table, talking. Then a question suddenly occurred to me.
“Aunt… When did you say you’d be away from home for work? How far in advance should I let you know…”
“Hmm, about a month from now. Take your time thinking about it. Don’t feel too pressured.”
I nodded. I wasn’t certain yet. But something small and warm was beginning to seep into the empty space in my heart.