To Step Into the World (2)
I was hitting the biggest wall yet while trying to teach Som social skills. The problem was that she viewed every other woman—especially those around my age—as a potential enemy.
“Okay, Som. Let’s try this again today.”
I sat her on my lap, took a deep breath, and played an idol fancam video.
“See? It’s fine, right? It’s just a picture. A picture of someone dancing.”
For the first few seconds, Som stared intently at the screen. Then, the moment the idol winked, a low growl rumbled up from deep in her throat.
“Grrrr…”
“Som, no. No growling. We promised, remember? That person isn’t bad.”
“I don’t like her! She’s bad! She just smiled at Master!”
“That’s not what it—”
“Stop wagging your tail! Don’t take my oppa away!”
In the end, Som couldn’t hold back and started flailing her arms just like always. I guess the saying that Maltese don’t hold back is true. Today’s shorts video didn’t even make it past thirty seconds before it was over.
I sighed and set my phone down.
“Alright, alright. Som wins. I won’t watch it.”
“Yes! Don’t look at those naughty females and play with Som instead!”
Som flashed a victorious smile, then nestled her chin back against my chest and panted happily. I stared at the back of her innocent little head and fell into thought.
What exactly am I doing wrong?
To build her social skills, I needed to teach her that strangers weren’t a threat… but at this rate, we were headed for real trouble.
And my worries quickly became reality.
It happened during a walk when a woman coming from the opposite direction simply made eye contact with us.
“Grrrr… woof!”
Som lunged toward her like a wild beast. Everything seemed to move in slow motion—the woman’s startled face, her arm rising defensively, and Som’s nails slashing toward it.
“Som! No!”
I screamed and yanked her back by the waist. Her nails missed the woman by a hair.
“Ah, that scared me!”
The woman stared at us, her face drained of color. I clutched Som tightly and bowed my head desperately.
“I-I’m so sorry! I’m really sorry! Are you hurt? I’m so sorry…”
“Ugh… You need to control your dog better… I nearly had a heart attack.”
“Yes… I’m sorry…”
All I could do was apologize. If I had been even a second slower today—if the woman had actually been hurt by Som’s attack…
Now that Som was human, the weight of the responsibility I had to bear felt heavier than I could have ever imagined.
The moment we got home, I closed the front door and crouched down in front of her.
“Som.”
“Yes?”
My serious tone must have reached her; her tail drooped as she looked up at me. For a moment, her innocent expression nearly left me speechless.
“When we go outside, you absolutely cannot bark or attack other people. We promised, remember? You used to be so good at ‘wait’ training… Why has it gotten worse?”
Without realizing it, a hint of resentment crept into my scolding voice.
“But… when I think they’re going to take Oppa away… I just can’t hold it in.”
Her face crumpled with tears so quickly that I could only sigh.
“Som, why would those people take me away? They’re just passersby.”
“No they’re not! They all… they all looked at Oppa…!”
Her voice began to tremble.
“I was always so scared whenever someone came near Master… Master’s scent belongs to Som, but if another scent gets on you… I thought I was going to lose you… And those bad females kept wagging their tails at you… I was so scared…”
Tears finally spilled from her dark eyes, falling one by one. I froze in place.
Ever since she was a puppy, her entire world had consisted of only me. She had perceived any stranger approaching her only world as a threat.
Instead of scolding her for being wrong, I realized my entire approach had been completely off from the start. I had made a serious mistake.
What this child needed most was the strongest possible sense of trust and security.
“…You were scared, weren’t you?”
I pulled her tightly into my arms.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know you felt that way… I’m really sorry. Som, Oppa will never leave you. I’m not going anywhere.”
She sobbed against my chest for a long time before finally nodding, albeit reluctantly.
“Okay…”
“From now on, I’ll give you more reassurance. Let’s take it slow together.”
“…Got it. Then please pet me!”
As I stroked her head, I thought to myself that I had been too hasty, trying to force her out into the world. Holding her close, I silently vowed to become a better person—for her sake, and for mine. To protect both of us.
**
That dizzying walk taught me a lot. How foolish and impatient I had been, pushing her so hard. I had forced the threat of “strange women” onto her and even blamed her instincts.
First, I needed to give her complete stability and trust right here in this small room so she wouldn’t feel anxious. I looked around the room.
A squeaky duck toy, a chew bone, a fluffy cushion. Everything was arranged for dog Som. There wasn’t a single thing in here for human Som.
I had rushed ahead without even preparing the bare minimum for her to learn about the world. Experiencing the world didn’t necessarily mean having to go outside into danger.
Almost in a trance, I turned on my laptop and spent a long time browsing shopping sites. Picture books, Korean alphabet posters, a dollhouse…
“Ha… Why is a dollhouse so expensive?”
I finally understood the saying that toys break parents’ backs. Even though my bank account was basically empty, I pressed the purchase button without hesitation.
While waiting for the packages to arrive, I thought about what I could do for her right now. I felt bad about forcing her to watch idol videos and making her anxious. I wanted to give her a sense of security instead of fear.
I searched YouTube for “dog vlogs.”
“Som, come here. Look at this.”
On the screen, puppies were running around on a grassy field. Som’s eyes widened bigger than they ever had for any toy.
“…F-friends?!?!”
She scooted right up to the monitor as if she might get sucked into the screen.
“That’s right. They’re Som’s friends, aren’t they?”
“Yes! Hi, everyone!!!”
Instead of wagging her tail, she shook her whole body and waved at the dogs on the screen. She was delighted by every little thing they did. I just stared blankly at her pure joy.
Why was I in such a rush that I went straight for the hardest method?
She was so happy. So comfortable. The fact that I hadn’t been able to start from her eye level until now only made me feel pathetic and stupid.
**
“Master! Why are you closing the door? Are you throwing Som away?”
A little while later, I was repeating the separation anxiety training we had done before. The difference this time was that instead of a puppy’s whimpering, I heard a human voice mixed with sobs.
I pressed my forehead against the door and squeezed my eyes shut. The guilt crushing my heart was incomparably worse than when she had been a dog.
When I opened the door, Som was crouched right in front of it, looking up at me with eyes full of betrayal. I avoided her gaze and held out a piece of jerky I had prepared in advance.
Even as she took it, she never took her eyes off me.
This time, the moment I closed the front door and stepped outside—
“No!! Master! Don’t go!”
Bang! Bang! The desperate pounding on the door echoed down the hallway along with her wails. I leaned my back against the door, enduring the sound of her crying with only the cold metal between us.
The fear that the neighbors might hear was nothing compared to the madness of knowing I was making her cry like this in human form.
I barely lasted one minute before opening the door.
“Huuuuhhhng!! Master!!!!”
Som threw herself into my arms as if we hadn’t seen each other in years and burst into heartbroken sobs. Training be damned—I simply held her tight.
“You’re really not leaving, right? You’re not throwing Som away, right?”
“Of course not. Where would I go without you?”
I patted her back, holding her trembling little shoulders for a long time. Teaching this child about the world might be the most painful and necessary process for me to learn about responsibility.
**
During my usual shift at the cafe, I was completely absorbed in checking the delivery status of the items I’d ordered for Som.
“Oppa, what are you staring at so intently?”
The voice from behind me made me nearly drop my phone in surprise.
“Ah, you scared me.”
“What were you looking at that got you so startled?”
Yu-ri smiled at me. She had only asked lightly, but I panicked and ended up blurting out unnecessary details.
“Uh? Oh… it’s just for my niece! Picture books and… some toys and stuff…”
“Wow… You’re that attentive even for your niece?”
Yu-ri’s eyes sparkled as she scooted a little closer.
“Oppa, you’re so sweet. When you get married someday… I bet you’ll be amazing to your wife and kids too.”
“Ah… you think so?”
“Of course! I’m confident I’d be really good to my husband someday too…”
She said it like a joke, but the look in her eyes as she gazed up at me was completely serious. Her pure affection tickled one corner of my heart while simultaneously pressing coldly on the other side.
Yu-ri had only seen the gentle side of me toward my “niece,” but I knew that same “niece” was an enormous wall standing between us. She was seriously considering me as a potential husband, yet I was carrying a secret I could never tell her.
I couldn’t move forward with her until Som’s social skills improved. But making her wait while I kept ignoring her sincere feelings… that was even worse.
I lifted my head and looked out the window at the busy street. I couldn’t stay hidden in this secret forever. I wanted to stand proudly beside Yu-ri, who smiled so brightly at me.
But even in the midst of that desperate wish, Som’s image—how she only found peace in my arms, that blind look in her eyes—quietly slipped in. The more my feelings for Yu-ri grew, the heavier the guilt I felt toward Som became.
It felt like another invisible wall had been built even higher in this suffocating reality.
