Renouncing My Vows
Pushing aside the tall stack of books revealed a worn chair. Father Vincenzo smiled, looking somewhat embarrassed.
“Please sit, Sua.”
“Ah, yes.”
Father Vincenzo’s expression remained serene as he watched Sua take her seat.
“Are you ready in your heart?”
“Well… that is…”
She squeezed her trembling hands into fists. Forcing her reluctant lips to move, Sua looked directly at Father Vincenzo. She spoke the words she had believed would never pass her lips in her lifetime.
“I wish to withdraw.”
Despite how shocking the word “withdraw” should have been, Father Vincenzo’s face showed no disturbance. Instead, he simply gazed at her with the calm look of someone who had expected it.
“You’re not surprised…”
Father Vincenzo smiled gently.
“I have lived in the monastery for over fifty years. I have seen just as many people leave.”
“You don’t blame me…?”
Father Vincenzo shook his head slightly, his expression asking what she could possibly mean by that.
“Everyone had their reasons, and they all agonized over it. They suffered terribly. How could I possibly blame someone who made such an excruciating decision?”
Life as a religious was a lonely battle. Over the past fifty years, many who had stood beside Vincenzo had returned to the secular world for their own individual reasons. Some had wept before him; others had lashed out in anger. In the beginning, he had tried to dissuade them, to change their minds. But the ending was always the same. Once they had set their hearts in order, they ultimately chose to leave again.
In his fifty years as a priest, what Father Vincenzo had come to understand was that those who wished to go should not be held back. Instead, he supported their new beginning and simply prayed that they might continue to serve God even as ordinary believers.
“Since you have not yet taken your perpetual vows, Sua, there is no need to go through the formal withdrawal process with the Vatican.”
“…Yes.”
“We simply need to convey your wishes to the convent you belong to. I suppose that means informing Sister Agnes.”
At the mention of Sister Agnes, a heavy weight settled in Sua’s chest.
She had tried to tell Sister Agnes first, before speaking to Father Vincenzo, but she simply couldn’t bring herself to do it. She had been afraid. Afraid of the disappointment that would fill Sister Agnes’s eyes.
She had said it so often it was like breathing: that she wanted to become a nun just like Sister Agnes. Yet here she was, after merely six months in Italy—the very place Sister Agnes had sent her, even offering her own saved pocket money—ready to abandon her vows because of a man.
Sister Agnes was not the sort of person who would point fingers. Even so, there was no guarantee she wouldn’t be disappointed. What frightened Sua more than anything was the possibility that Sister Agnes might regret having sent her to Italy once she learned the truth.
Noticing the shadow that had fallen across Sua’s face, Father Vincenzo spoke.
“Sua.”
Her downcast gaze lifted to meet his.
“The eyes of others are not what matters. Hiding your true feelings simply because someone might be disappointed could, in God’s eyes, be the greater wrong.”
“Ah…”
“So do not think of anything else. Only your own decision is important.”
He was right. The decision belonged to her alone. That Sister Agnes might be disappointed was painful, but her desire to save him burned far stronger.
“I will ask you once more. Do you truly intend to withdraw?”
There was no longer any need to hesitate. Her heart had already been made up.
“Yes.”
Father Vincenzo nodded in understanding.
“I will convey your decision to your convent today. As soon as we receive a reply, you may leave the monastery.”
“…Yes.”
Looking at Sua’s bitter eyes as she answered, Father Vincenzo added softly, “If this path is truly the one you desire—the one that leads to your happiness—then I will cheer you on. You have worked so hard, Sua.”
“…Thank you.”
After bidding Father Vincenzo farewell, Sua returned to her room and sank to the floor, overcome by a crushing sense of emptiness.
The postulancy, the novitiate, and the period of temporary vows. She had spent a total of eight years preparing to become a nun. If she included the years she had dreamed of it since childhood, more than half her life had been devoted to this path.
And she had ended it all with a single sentence: I wish to withdraw. So easily.
The emptiness rose slowly from the tips of her toes. When it finally filled her completely, the tears began to fall.
It was the first time she had felt this emotion. Sad yet relieved, empty yet heartbreaking. So many feelings tangled together that she didn’t even know why she was crying. What had she wanted to become a nun for? Had it only been because of Sister Agnes? If it was going to end this simply, would it have been better never to begin?
In the end, she turned her resentment toward Tezman. Why had she caught his eye? If he had never tempted her, her quiet daily life would never have changed.
Her resentment grew sharper. And the sharper it grew, the deeper her self-loathing became. Every choice had been hers. Falling for his temptation, deciding to leave her life as a nun and take his hand—all of it.
“Then what kind of excuse am I making…”
She squeezed her eyes shut. Since she had chosen this path, she should have no more regrets.
From that evening onward, Sua began packing her belongings in earnest. There wasn’t much to pack.
“…I should have brought some regular clothes.”
She had only brought nun’s habits, since she hadn’t needed anything else. Now that she would have to return them upon withdrawal, she had nothing appropriate to wear when she left the monastery.
“…A blouse should be acceptable, at least.”
The fact that she would no longer wear the habit she had put on without fail every single day, that she no longer needed to observe the rules she had followed as a nun—both felt utterly foreign to Sua. She ran her fingers over the innocent habit one last time before rising from her seat.
Since she had declared her intention to withdraw, word would soon come from her home convent. As she had not taken perpetual vows, the administrative process would not be complicated. Given that she was essentially a temporary worker bound by temporary vows, it might even be handled immediately.
The moment it was processed, she could no longer dream of being a nun. Before that happened, she wanted to wear her habit and pray one final time. This might be the last prayer she would ever offer as a religious.
Sua stood quietly before the mirror. The white veil that hid every strand of hair, the modest habit—she looked exactly as she always had. Only her heart was different. She smoothed the neat fabric several times with unnecessary care, then made her way to the chapel.
The rosary in her hand felt strangely foreign today. Clutching it tightly, Sua sat down and folded her hands together.
Last time she had prayed for forgiveness. Today was different. She prayed for the health of Father Vincenzo and Father Yohan, who had watched over her. And she prayed that Sister Agnes in Korea, upon hearing the news of her withdrawal, would not be too deeply disappointed.
It was a prayer offered entirely for others. Not for herself.
When she opened her eyes after the most fervent prayer she had ever offered, Leroy was sitting at the far end of the pew. Only then did she realize he wasn’t praying at all. He simply sat there, staring at the crucifix above the main altar with eyes completely devoid of emotion.
Sua recalled what Leroy had revealed to her last time. Only now did she understand that he could not possibly love the God who had allowed his parents to suffer as they had. The reason he came to the church was because of her. Because Tezman had ordered him to.
Knowing this, Sua turned to him.
“Leroy.”
If that was the case, forcing him to keep coming here was cruel. Leroy did not like the church.
“You don’t need to come to the church anymore.”
Leroy’s gaze, laced with confusion, turned toward her. Sua offered a faint smile and continued.
“Instead, will you do me one favor?”
“A favor?”
“To Mr. Tezman…”
There was no point in agonizing over how to phrase it. She simply told him the most honest feeling in her heart right now.
“Can you tell him that I miss him?”
Leroy remained silent for a long moment, as if stunned by the sudden request. His eyes trembled faintly as he turned her words over in his mind. It seemed he had finally grasped the true meaning behind what she had said.
“You will have to give up a great deal.”
“I feel like I’ve already given up so much. What could be more than this?”
“…Probably a lot.”
Simply being Tezman’s woman would expose her to countless dangers, and for that very reason he would surely confine her within an invisible, most secure cage. She might even need permission to visit the church. Worry flickered across Leroy’s face as he wondered whether Sua truly understood all of this.
“I’ve already given up being a nun. Everything else seems trivial in comparison.”
Leroy looked at her bitter smile with sincere eyes.
“Are you certain you won’t regret it?”
Regret. She could not swear she would never feel it. Still, Sua smiled as if to tell him not to worry.
“Yes.”