Choose Me Instead of God
It was well past lunchtime when Sua finally made her way to the church. She had stayed away, using prayer as her excuse, all to avoid encountering Tezman. Father Vincenzo had been understanding, remarking that it was natural to have many thoughts before taking one's final vows, and had helped her devote herself entirely to prayer.
It should have been a simple matter of out of sight, out of mind, yet she couldn't manage even that. No matter how hard she tried to focus on her devotions, she soon slipped into reverie. The realization that the object of those thoughts was Tezman only filled her with deeper despair.
She had fled to escape him, but nothing had been resolved. She was forced to deny the pull of her heart, and the more she did, the more she became a sinner before God.
“Ha...”
Letting out a heavy sigh, Sua opened the church door and froze. Someone was sitting in her usual spot. The man's dull khaki hair caught the light and gleamed as he prayed.
From his build and the color of his hair, it clearly wasn't Tezman. The tension that had gripped her eased, and Sua breathed a sigh of relief.
The man seemed to have finished his prayer; he quietly made the sign of the cross. Rising slowly from his seat, he turned his head.
She had heard that noble families still existed in Europe. The man before her looked every bit the aristocrat. Or perhaps a crown prince from some European nation. Then again, would someone of such status truly visit a small, shabby church like this?
“You must be the sister.”
Sua, lost in thought, returned to the present at the sound of his gentle voice.
“Oh. Hello. I'm sorry if I disturbed your prayer.”
“Not at all.”
The man spoke with a bright smile.
“I'm Michael. That's my baptismal name, for the record.”
Mentioning his baptismal name suggested he was a devout believer. He offered another smile, though something about it seemed slightly strained.
“My given name is Leroy. Leroy Wagner.”
“Ah, then... should I call you by your baptismal name? Or your given name?”
“Whichever you prefer. I'll likely be coming here often from now on.”
A new believer. Father Vincenzo would no doubt be pleased. Sua's own mood lifted, and she smiled brightly.
“If you ever need any assistance, please don't hesitate to ask. Whatever I can do—”
“Sister.”
Though his mouth smiled, his eyes remained cold. With that dissonant expression, Leroy asked, “I have a question. Will you answer it for me?”
“Ah... yes. Go ahead.”
“Sister.”
The smile had now vanished completely from his lips as Leroy continued.
“No matter what happens, would you never abandon your faith?”
Sua's face flooded with bewilderment, as though the question had caught her completely off guard. To ask a nun whether she could forsake God—it felt almost cruel.
“I suppose that was rather mischievous of me.”
Even so, Leroy had no intention of retracting it.
“Then, if you were to fall in love with someone, could you return to secular life?”
Return to secular life. The question of whether she could give up being a nun. To Sua, it felt like nothing short of an insult.
“It seems it wasn't just a little mischievous.”
Leroy's eyes glinted with interest as he watched her firm reply.
“I have spent my entire life preparing to follow and serve God. That is why I stand here. I may not have taken my final vows yet, but I still don't believe that's an appropriate question to ask me.”
“Is that so?”
“Yes. It is.”
“When I asked the other sisters or priests, they didn't react quite so strongly. I assumed you would be the same, Sister.”
Sua's eyelids fluttered.
“Sister. If I may offer one piece of advice.”
As if the earlier blankness had never existed, Leroy's eyes curved softly.
“Be careful not to jump to conclusions. People's lives can change in unexpected ways. And it's best not to deny something so vehemently. Strong denial can sound very much like affirmation.”
The phrase strong denial is akin to affirmation echoed loudly in her mind. As Sua stood there, dazed, Leroy bowed his head with polite formality.
“Well then, Sister. Until next time.”
Sua couldn't even bring herself to watch as Leroy departed with unhurried grace.
Fall in love with someone? She didn't understand why that particular question had made her think of him. Perhaps that was why she had answered with such heat.
To hide the turmoil in her own heart.
Dizzy with the realization, Sua quickly sat down in the pew. She clasped her hands together, trying to steady herself. She had to calm these feelings. Erase them. These pointless, dangerous thoughts.
Even after that, Leroy continued visiting the church faithfully. Feeling strangely awkward about encountering him, Sua varied her times, but it was futile. As if by some arrangement, whenever she opened the church door, Leroy was already there, deep in prayer.
Since he had arrived first, she could hardly accuse him of anything. In those moments, Sua would begin her own prayers at a careful distance. Sometimes she would deliberately prolong her devotions, hoping he would finish quickly and leave.
Yet after that initial meeting, Leroy never spoke to her first again. Once his prayer was complete, he simply passed by her like a man who had finished his business and left the church without a backward glance.
She was already troubled enough by Tezman, and now Leroy as well. Come to think of it, the two shared a strangely similar aura. Not in their faces or appearances, but in the atmosphere that surrounded them.
She had just convinced herself it meant nothing when, after finishing her prayer and rising, she spotted him standing before the church doors.
Despite the fervent prayers she had offered to banish those thoughts, the moment her eyes met Tezman's, her mind went completely blank.
“It's been a while, Sister.”
The low voice brushed against her ear, and her body reacted with painful sensitivity. Without thinking, Sua let his name slip from her lips.
“...Tezman.”
As he walked slowly toward her, she forgot she was supposed to push him away. Was this what it felt like to be enchanted?
“It seems my prayer bore fruit. I never expected you to say my name first, Sister.”
His sweetly lingering gaze was almost too much to bear. She tried to sound casual as she changed the subject.
“...Did you, by any chance, make a donation to the church...”
“Ah. I was worried I'd given too little and that was why you were avoiding me.”
Too little? After donating enough to rebuild both the church and the convent with money to spare.
“It's not little at all. On the contrary...”
“I was saved, after all. For that, it really is a rather small sum.”
Her slightly parted lips pressed tightly together. Talking to him only pulled her deeper into his web—it was always Sua who ended up entangled.
“So, Sister, why were you avoiding me?”
He tilted his head, trying to catch her gaze.
“...I wasn't avoiding you.”
“Then?”
“...You're burdensome. And you keep occupying my thoughts.”
The honest words slipped out in her frustration. Tezman smiled with dark amusement.
“Did you just admit you're thinking about me?”
He had nearly said it aloud—whether the same thing happened to her that happened to him. When he thought of Sua, blood rushed hotly to his lower body. When he thought of her, thirst and aching desire consumed him. Did the same fire burn in her?
“Sister.”
Just imagining it drove him to the edge of madness. The restless impatience he had never experienced in his life was pushing him toward insanity. He stepped close and carefully wrapped his arms around her waist.
“Let go—let me go! This is a sacred church...!”
“Yes, in this sacred church, our dear sister has made me burn with desire.”
“Tezman...!”
By now his nose brushed against hers. He whispered intimately, “That's it. Keep calling my name.”
Their breaths mingled openly, shamelessly. He closed the distance in a single motion.
“You can even curse me to fall into hell if you want.”
She understood immediately why he had spoken of hell.
“Mmph.”
The soft, yielding touch of her lips was more than Tezman could resist. He pried persistently between her tightly sealed lips. His sharp tongue forced its way inside, thoroughly exploring the sensitive flesh, tracing every ridge and hollow. When it swept across the delicate membrane, Sua's legs buckled. His powerful arms tightened around her, holding her upright.
“Hngh...”
His tongue chased hers deep into her mouth. He didn't rush. With slow, almost tender care, he coaxed and teased before capturing her tongue, sucking gently.
When her once-rigid tongue began to move clumsily in response, Tezman felt the worst of his aching thirst begin to ease. Of course, to truly quench it, he would need to claim every inch of her, mark her thoroughly, soak her in his essence until she belonged only to him.
Sua's heart hammered so violently she feared it might stop. Every movement of his awakened hidden cells throughout her body. The unfamiliar sensations drew a moan from her throat, only for it to be swallowed by his mouth. The only sounds were the wet, obscene noises of their joined lips. Saliva pooled between them, too much to swallow.
Goosebumps spread across her entire body. Sacrilege. Pleasure. Corruption. All the things a nun must never feel—Sua possessed them completely in that moment.
“Haa...”
The rosary slipped from her fingers and fell to the floor with a soft clatter. Her slender fingers clutched desperately at his black jacket. She felt as though she were being devoured. Her whole body trembled. Her breath came in shallow gasps.
“Sister.”
He pulled back just enough to look at her. Sua stared up at him, her face flushed with pleasure, eyes glazed. His lips curved. He wanted to capture this exact image, turn it into a painting, and hang it somewhere only he could see.
He brushed the saliva from the corner of her lips and pushed it back into her mouth with his thumb as he whispered, stroking her swollen lips.