Soso the Cheeky Thief, Soso the Guide
The thief had already slipped out of the inn and vanished from sight long ago.
But even if that little shit was a qinggong master who could fly and crawl through this area, in front of me at the absolute peak, she was nothing more than the Monkey King trapped in Buddha's palm.
Whoosh!
"Stealing my dildos… no, the Divine Maiden Sect's treasures? You're not getting out of here with your bones intact today!"
Every time my toes pushed off the air, dozens of zhang closed in like feathers drifting on the wind.
By the time I reached the outskirts forest path, far from the inn and any sign of people, I paused and landed lightly on the ground.
'Let's see, the trail goes this way… Huh?'
The thief must've racked her brain hard, because the footprints and broken branches split cleverly into two identical paths.
'Playing mind games, huh? This way, probably!'
No time to hesitate—I picked the right path at random and unleashed my qinggong. But my bold choice ended in pathetic failure before even half a gak had passed.
"Ah, fuck!! This isn't the way!!"
I spat curses into the empty air and slammed on the brakes.
"You goddamn bitch, trying to train me like a mutt?! When I catch you, it's the death penalty for sure!"
Fuming, I whipped back to the fork and chased the remaining left trail.
Exactly half a shichen after leaving the inn.
Through the dense forest path, I finally spotted a black-masked figure sprinting like a beast, my pink bundle and a massive load strapped tightly to her back.
"Found you, you rat bastard!!"
My roar of fury echoed thunderously through the woods.
"Eek?! H-how did you catch up?!"
The thief glanced back, shrieked in terror at my ghostly pursuit speed, and let out a scream.
I curled into a hawk in midair, then plunged down with terrifying momentum.
Sensing the crisis, the thief whipped out a dagger from her bosom and flailed desperately, but she was no match for me from the start.
In the air, I formed the finger seal with my right index and middle fingers.
Divine Maiden Sect's supreme finger technique, Okgyeol Bingsimji—Jade Pure Ice Heart Finger.
A chilling, razor-sharp icy qi gathered at my fingertips.
A precise restraint art unique to the Divine Maiden Sect, freezing the enemy's meridians and qi flow on contact.
Whoosh!
My fingers left afterimages as they struck her Gyŏnjŏng acupoint on the shoulder and Myŏngmun on the lower back in rapid succession.
"Ugh, uuuugh…! M-my body…!"
Unable to even resist, the thief went rigid like a statue and toppled over like a felled log.
Thud crash!
"Whew."
I ruthlessly ignored the sprawled thief and snatched the pink bundle off her back with a jerk.
"My babies…! You're all safe!"
With trembling hands, I loosened the knot just enough to peek inside.
The glistening Jaseong Hyeorok that had comforted my lost Johnson, the menacing array of dildos boasting their brutal might, and all sorts of tools—every single one was there, safe and sound.
"Haa… I aged ten years. Thought my murim life was over for real."
Only after sighing in relief and hugging the bundle tight did I turn cold eyes on the insolent thief sprawled on the ground.
"Hey, you bold little rat. You knew the price of messing with someone else's precious lifeline(?), right? Hope you're ready to pay it in agony."
I grinned murderously and grabbed her collar. Then I roughly yanked off the black mask and hood covering her face and head.
Whoosh.
As the hood came off, jet-black hair cascaded down like a waterfall.
"…Huh?"
A dumb noise slipped out of me.
Under the mask wasn't the ugly mug of some rugged bandit or sleazy thief, but the delicate, pretty features of a young woman who still had a hint of girlish innocence.
Her big double-lidded eyes brimmed with fear and injustice, and her cherry lips trembled from the Okgyeol Bingsimji's chill.
"What… the hell. You're a girl?"
I froze for a second at the cute girl's face revealed beneath the mask. But I quickly snorted and changed my tune.
'No, wait! I'm a full-fledged woman now too, aren't I? What's wrong with hitting another girl? Gender equality? Nah, this is girl-on-girl equality!'
Back in my old life as a guy, I'd have cleared my throat and held back my fist in front of a pretty girl. But now? I was the 32nd Sect Leader of the Divine Maiden Sect—cold blood and all.
I mercilessly reached out and released her acupoints.
Tap, tap tap.
"Cough! Cough, hack…! P-please spare me, great hero… no, heroine!"
The moment her qi flowed again, she collapsed flat on the ground, hacking up a storm.
The Okgyeol Bingsimji's icy chill had seeped into her bones—her slender shoulders shook like aspen leaves.
Arms crossed, I interrogated her coldly from above.
"Spill it. Who sent you?"
"Y-yes…?"
"You almost ended my murim life—no, my social life completely!"
"S-social… life…?"
She blinked innocently, face full of confusion at my random bullshit.
Of course. She'd just swiped what looked like a fancy silk bundle— no way she dreamed it was packed with colorful monstrous dildos.
"Hey! Don't gawk like you don't know!"
Flick!
"Ow!!"
I mercilessly snapped my fingers, landing a solid chestnut on her forehead.
Her pretty brow swelled red in an instant.
'Honestly, if she'd been a guy, I'd have snapped her neck and hung her from that branch by now.'
I inwardly clicked my tongue at the girl clutching her forehead and sniffling.
'Yeah, even so, chopping off a beauty like this would be a loss to the murim… no, the nation. Definitely.'
My old male instincts were spinning a perfectly rational excuse for mercy. I cleared my throat with a ahem and plastered on a fierce scowl again.
"Anyway! Robbing inns in broad daylight? What's a pathetic pickpocket like you even doing out here?!"
At my bellow, the girl flinched, then put on the most pitiful, heartrending expression and started sniffling.
"Sob… sniff, it's unfair, heroine! The truth is, back home, my starving little siblings and sick old mom are waiting desperately for me…."
Flick!!
"Aaaack!"
Before her clichéd sob story could finish, my merciless chestnut nailed the exact same spot on her forehead again.
"Hey, you think I'm an idiot?"
I snorted in disbelief.
"With that qinggong and martial skill you showed earlier, you could escort for any transport guild or merchant caravan and rake in silver! Plus, with that pretty face, pouring tea at a brothel would cover your mom's meds with change to spare. Quit spouting third-rate wuxia villain crap from the '80s!"
Under my brutal fact-bombing, the girl shut her tear-squeezing mouth. Her eyes, clutching her forehead, darted in panicked confusion.
She'd realized her cheap sob-story villain act wasn't landing anymore. The pitiful expression vanished from her face in a flash.
"Ah, damn, you're quick on the uptake. Unnie, for such a pretty face, you've got a real prickly personality, huh?"
"…Unnie?"
I let out a disbelieving chuckle.
Just seconds ago, she'd been forehead-planting into the dirt, begging "Heroine, please spare me!" Now she was chatting like we were neighborhood pals.
"Yeah, unnie. The sick mom was bullshit, but… my little bro really is starving! The kid's on death's door—why else would I stoop to thieving?!"
As she brazenly spun another tale, I silently raised my fist menacingly.
"Ah, okay! Okay! Fine, my bro's not sick—he's healthy as hell! Happy now?!"
Face thick as iron plating, she even lifted her chin defiantly and shot back shamelessly.
Her seamless attitude flip was so absurdly natural, even I burst into astonished laughter.
"But seriously, unnie, you're impressive. I was pretty confident in my qinggong, but you caught me in half a shichen? Your martial arts are no joke."
She dusted herself off, stood up, and scanned me up and down with sly, appraising eyes.
"Someone with that level of skill around here must be famous in the jianghu, right? What's your nickname? Where you from? One of the Nine Great Sects?"
"Nickname? You grasping the situation here?"
I glared coldly, cracking my knuckles with pops.
"Don't you know what you just did? If I wanted, I could snap one of your limbs right now and drag you to the yamen."
"Eek?!"
As chilling killing intent poured from me, she finally clocked the gravity, glanced around slyly, and knelt back down. Clasping her hands, she begged desperately.
"U-unnie! No, heroine! Please just this once! I have no eye for people—I messed with a master like you by accident! I swear, never again!"
"Haa…."
I rubbed my forehead with a deep sigh.
Up close, she wasn't some bone-deep villain—just a bold, shameless petty thief girl. And I'd recovered my precious bundle safe and sound—no real damage done.
'Yeah, let's call it here.'
Plus, thinking it over, this cheeky local could actually be useful to me.
Three years reincarnated in the murim world, holed up in a cave training—I was a total newbie who couldn't tell east from west, let alone sightsee a proper jianghu metropolis.
I had no clue how to even exit this forest.
"Hey."
"Y-yes, unnie!"
"Get up."
At my command, she rose hesitantly.
I hugged my pink bundle close from the ground and jerked my chin ahead.
"I'm not bothering to drag your ass to the yamen anyway, so make it up by being my guide. Cheap price for touching my stuff."
"Guide? Uh, guide to where?"
She blinked in confusion. I puffed out my chest proudly and declared.
"Where else? The closest, biggest, flashiest city from here. You're my personal guide starting today."
At my bold proclamation, she stared up at me, still baffled.
A supposed absolute peak master couldn't pick a destination and was outsourcing to a petty thief? Must've seemed ridiculous.
"Hey, before we go, one question."
I readjusted the pink bundle securely on my back and fell into step beside her.
"What's your name? Can't keep yelling 'hey' forever."
She shrugged like it was obvious.
"Soso."
"…Right."
I nodded curtly.
'Soso. Soso, huh… Heh.'
I stifled a snicker inwardly. Having devoured hundreds of wuxia novels in my past life, 'Soso' was one of the most clichéd names in the genre.
Jianghu naming convention 101. Nine times out of ten, girls like this turned out to be the hidden daughter of the Murim Alliance Leader, the Demon Cult Leader's granddaughter, or just your run-of-the-mill neighborhood chick.
'Looking at her, thieving and all? One hundred percent the last one.'
"Name for real?"
I eyed her suspiciously. Soso pouted her lips.
"For real! Geez, unnie! You don't trust anything? Then what's your name?"
"Me? Yeonhwa."
"Unnie Yeonhwa? Got it."
Her puffed cheeks looked so haughty and wronged, I just waved it off.
"Fine, fine. Soso it is."
I glanced down the forest path ahead and asked casually.
"So, which way from here? Closest big city?"
Soso stopped and stared at me. Her pouty eyes narrowed like, 'This person's hopeless.'
"…Unnie, you don't even know where you are?"
"Would I ask if I did?"
"……."
She went speechless. Her eyes screamed, 'This amazing master's a total directionally-challenged blockhead.'
"Head to Kaifeng. Biggest city in the Central Plains. You know, obviously."
"Ah, Kaifeng."
I nodded naturally.
'Kaifeng. Capital of the Northern Song, heart of wuxia, Beggar Clan headquarters. Okay, I've heard of it.'
Of course, zero clue which direction—but that's what my personal GPS Soso was for.
"Right. Kaifeng it is. Let's go."
I strode ahead boldly and shamelessly.
"…Unnie, Kaifeng's that way."
Soso quietly pointed the opposite direction.
"…Got it."
I turned without a word, coughed awkwardly, and started walking.
Day two of my jianghu debut.
My grand, chaotic Kaifeng trip with my exclusive guide—and former cheeky thief—Soso, officially kicked off.
