I Was Truly a Wicked Person
The horror I once felt toward Jeongsook’s idea flipped completely in just two days. It was as if some monstrous creature lurking inside me had stirred awake the moment it heard her suggestion. Before I knew it, I had fallen deep into a craving to make my little game far more thrilling. I kept picturing Changhee’s slender hips rounding out with soft, plump flesh and her chest blooming into gentle curves. I imagined her voice growing even softer and more feminine, her every gesture turning delicate and refined, and somehow convinced myself that female hormones could work their magic without seriously harming what remained of her masculinity. In the end, I surrendered to the monster inside me.
Jeongsook was visibly pleased. She admitted it was impossible for her to claim Changhee as her own, yet she was satisfied knowing she could take part in this delicious game from the sidelines and enjoy the changes at regular intervals. She nodded along to my absurd rationalizations and even encouraged me, insisting that nothing bad would ever come of it.
She called Ma Yeojeong right away. After a long, chatty conversation she set up a meeting for that same evening. I couldn’t tell whether the flush on her face came from the thought of holding a woman again after so long or from the excitement of joining the game of turning Changhee more feminine. Whatever the reason, I was too afraid to ask. I simply decided to follow Jeongsook’s lead.
And then I pictured Changhee with the body of a fully ripened woman. Strangely, my anxiety began to melt away. All I could think about was how breathtaking she would look and how helplessly I would fall for her.
Jeongsook explained the medicine she had received from Ma Yeojeong, talking so fast she sprayed spit. It was a new drug not yet officially released in Korea. The side effects had been drastically reduced while the effectiveness was greatly increased. She added that it also solved the problem of persistent breast buds during treatment, and that it had received excellent feedback overseas.
I accepted the packet with trembling hands. My heart was shaking far worse than my fingers. The effects appeared with shocking speed. I mixed the powdered medicine into her breakfast and dinner as instructed, and within four days Changhee mentioned that her chest felt strange. When I imagined the buds forming beneath her skin and the faint beginnings of a woman’s breasts taking shape—just as the doctor had described—my own heart hammered wildly.
I told her it was probably due to the heavy stress she had been under at work lately and suggested we visit a hospital I knew. That, too, was part of the plan. Jeongsook and I had already arranged everything.
That weekend I went to see Ma Yeojeong, who was overjoyed to play Jeongsook’s lover once more. There she delivered the lines from our carefully prepared script. Stress-induced elevation of female hormones. That was the card the doctor played.
“It isn’t a common condition, but we’re seeing more and more cases like this these days. You could call it a type of modern illness. Still, there’s no need to worry too much. There isn’t a complete cure, but if we manage it with hormone-regulating medication, reduce stress as much as possible, and maintain a reasonably stable routine, it shouldn’t cause any serious problems.”
Changhee seemed to believe her. Ma Yeojeong looked intelligent and professional, and she had shown charts comparing hormone levels. There was no reason not to trust her. Besides, the explanation matched the exact changes happening in Changhee’s body, so belief was inevitable.
The doctor wrote a prescription, which I took. While Changhee waited in the car, I collected the medicine from the pharmacy. Of course I could never tell her it was a different kind of female hormone.
To ease the pain from the lumps forming in her chest, we adjusted the hormone dosage at regular intervals. After about two months of taking it, her passion for sex cooled. Or rather, her erections grew noticeably weaker. She began to prefer oral pleasure over penetrating me. Once the buds subsided, her nipples became incredibly sensitive; the mere brush of my tongue made her moan and writhe. It was as though her sex had simply moved upward. That, too, brought its own dark delight.
The fact that we could both reach orgasm through oral sex without her entering me made me feel as if she had truly become a woman. I could not hide my excitement at the thought that she was finally becoming my woman.
Every month she received a regular check-up from Ma Yeojeong and was given what we claimed were male hormone injections. In truth they were strong doses of female hormones. On top of the daily pills mixed into her meals, she was now receiving monthly injections as well. I worried it might be too much, but after four months the side effects began to appear. Depression set in.
Even though she followed her usual skincare routine, her skin grew paler and smoother than before. Her hips were rounding out, her chest was beginning to swell noticeably, and even her voice seemed softer. These changes only increased her stress. Every time the anxiety hit her, she cried. Seeing her look so fragile—nothing like her former self—sometimes pricked my conscience. Yet at the same time I found myself hoping she would soon declare that she wanted to become a woman.
She took several days of sick leave and stayed home to rest, thinking distance from work might help her feel better. Guilt made me try even harder to be good to her. For those few days I let her live as a woman around the clock, exactly as she pleased.
Why did I need to turn her into a woman? What would truly change? Even while asking myself these questions, I could not bear to let her go. With each tiny daily shift that brought her closer to femininity, I was drunk on pleasure. I really was a monster.
Jeongsook, who had lit this strange fire and then fanned it into an inferno, enjoyed the photos I sent her exactly as promised. She was clearly not normal either. After finding herself a lesbian lover again, she took genuine delight in watching Changhee grow more feminine. At the very least, she was every bit as insane as I was.
It feels as though I have spoken too long about the past. I should return to the moment I first began this account.
I parked the car and gathered the bag containing a black garter belt and stockings adorned with golden floral patterns, along with a matching bra and panty set. My heart fluttered at the thought of how much Changhee would love this gift.
As I reached for my handbag and the present, preparing to step out, I saw the elevator doors open. Only the elevator entrance stayed permanently lit; the rest of the parking garage relied on motion sensors, so my spot remained wrapped in shadow. That meant the people leaving the elevator could not see me, but I could see them clearly.
The reason I bother explaining this is because of who stepped out.
There was Changhee, beautifully made up, laughing brightly while clinging to a man’s arm. She had told me just yesterday that she was taking three days off because she felt unwell. I had even urged her to visit the hospital, knowing the female hormones might be causing problems.
Yet there she was, looking perfectly healthy, behaving exactly like a man’s lover. The sight was so unbelievable I rubbed my eyes and looked again. It was still her. She walked with him to his car, which was parked not far from mine. She kissed him, watched him drive away for a long moment, then hurried into the elevator and disappeared.
The scene burned inside my chest like fire. It was rare for me to come home this early. Come to think of it, the sun was still high—nothing like my usual return time. I had left work early to surprise her, without even calling ahead, happily carrying a gift I thought she would adore…
I lit a cigarette inside the car. I sat there wondering what I should do when I went inside and faced her. If they had already reached the point of kissing, I could imagine without seeing it what else had happened inside our home. Why would she do such a thing? And in the very house we shared, while dressed as a woman…
Was he her lover? How was that even possible? Had I been living in a delusion, believing that in just a little more time she would become completely mine? Was she simply a gay man who enjoyed wearing women’s clothes and being held in a man’s arms?
Suddenly my head spun. It felt as if the vision of Changhee I had cherished was shattering into pieces. The flames rising in my chest were only natural.