Chapter 25
Chapter 25
I've really lost my mind.
Have I gone crazy?
"...No matter how you look at it, saying something like that, and then taking almost four days off after returning to the host bar for just one day—am I not a fucking lunatic?"
It was practically the same level as some bastard who swore he'd show up consistently for part-time work for a whole year, only worked one day, then went completely silent from the next day like a ghost, and then contacted the manager to ask for payment in his account for just that one day.
I was already dreading facing Ahn Gi-pyo.
It felt like I was sticking my head directly into the jaws of hell. The manager of a host bar wasn't just anyone.
Even the guys working as security guards had insane presence, yet the people who could make even them shut their mouths without a peep were the ones managing the host bar.
Of course, even the top-performing hosts had to fold their cards in front of Ahn Gi-pyo.
It's not for nothing that he holds the higher rank of 'manager.'
"Hoo..."
Thinking about meeting Ahn Gi-pyo later made it hard to breathe, but despite that.
"Haha..."
I couldn't help but let out a foolish laugh.
"Ssae, ssae..."
Because yesterday, Miho—who had been sweating so much that even constantly changing towels wasn't enough, to the point where I worried all the moisture in her body might drain out through sweat and fed her plenty of sports drinks and water—was sleeping so peacefully today with such a calm expression.
Furthermore, though it was only once, I definitely heard it.
"Appa, huuuuung! Appa!"
Considering Miho's condition, I couldn't tell for sure whether she was calling for me or calling for her real father up in heaven... but despite that, I ended up thinking that I was glad and fortunate to be the one there.
"Really, this is... selfish."
Isn't it because I have such a selfish heart that humans traumatized Miho to the point where a young child would even bite her own tongue like that?
"..."
Still.
"I'm sorry. But still, don't be in pain."
I'm a selfish, bad human.
But at least my wish for Miho not to be in pain was sincere.
"Gguk."
When I quietly slipped my finger between Miho's fidgeting fingers, she reflexively grabbed it tightly and babbled.
"Appa..."
"..."
Watching that, I made a stupid smile.
Sometimes the thought crosses my mind—what if someone more proper than a guy like me had become Miho's guardian?
But for now, I'm this child's 'dad.'
Because you are 'Kim Miho.'
"I'll do well..."
"Let's go..."
"Yeah, let's go."
And so, another day passed.
The next evening.
Before going to work at the host bar, I gave Miho a serious final warning at the door.
"You know how to watch Nutube, right?"
"Ang!"
"And if something big happens or an emergency comes up, what do you do?"
"You said to press number 1 long!"
"Lastly, if you're hungry?"
"You said to only eat the food Hyunu made or tear open the bread I bought!"
Seeing that dumb kid answer so well made me realize I must have emphasized it many times, but still, it's human nature to feel anxious.
If I had my way, I'd think about just taking today off too.
But that's absolutely not an option.
It's not just about the money—I have to at least keep the minimum promise of working hard from now on, don't I?
"Hoo, then I'll be back soon. If you think it's getting too late, just go to sleep first. The blanket's already laid out, so just lie down and sleep as is."
"Ang! Got it! Hyunu!"
"What?"
I was putting on my shoes and grabbing the door handle when Miho called me.
It was a bit disappointing that she'd gone back to calling me by my name instead of 'Dad,' but conversely, I felt that was still more comfortable for now.
Maybe I'm not quite ready mentally either.
"Have a safe trip, shir."
Whether she learned it from Nutube or not, seeing her neatly fold her hands in front and bow all the way down to her waist made the corners of my mouth automatically lift.
"I'll be back."
"Make a ton, ton of money!"
"I got it, you brat."
"Kyaaaaang!"
I left the house, fiddling with my bangs again.
It was such an ironic feeling. Being seen off by Miho made my steps feel light, yet at the same time, thinking about the gazes that would pour down on me as soon as I got to work and Ahn Gi-pyo's angry nagging made my steps heavy.
I even thought about running away.
There were actually guys who quietly disappeared while working as hosts because they were scared of Ahn Gi-pyo. If it was just one day, maybe not, but since I'd gone missing for four days, the urge to do that was even stronger.
But, as they say, there's no paradise in the places you run to.
Furthermore, to feed Miho delicious food, and—though it's cheesy to say—because I wanted to be a guardian who at least earns money well, I couldn't run away.
[Today's Simple English Proverb]
[The family is one of nature's masterpieces.]
[The family is one of nature's masterpieces.]
"The family is one of nature's masterpieces... The family is one of nature's masterpieces."
In the past, I would have snorted, asking what kind of stupid saying that was, but now the meaning of those words somehow resonated in my heart.
"Hoo, let's go."
Since my car was still parked at the host bar, I had to use public transportation or a taxi. But during rush hour, the subway or a bus with a bus-only lane was actually much faster.
While other people were getting off at bus stops and walking home, I had just finished setting myself up from head to toe and was heading to work.
In the past, I used to mock those people—saying they rest when others work, and when others rest, they just drink with women. When I was making huge money as a host, I thought they lived so pathetically, earning chump change.
But now, I felt completely different.
"Hey, Dad's on his way home. What do you want to eat? Chicken? Okay, okay, half fried, half seasoned—Dad will bring it right away without letting it get cold at all. Yeah, love you, my son."
It was amazing.
Despite receiving immense stress and fatigue from morning till evening, the faces of parents returning to their families at quitting time were all full of vitality.
'Having kids young means your life is basically over.'
Marriage is just burdensome, just tiring.
Life goes on being difficult in many ways.
That was the vibe these days, and I agreed with it, so I took care of contraception above all else. But what I felt while taking care of Miho alone these past few days was that parenting is ultimately something two parents do together.
It's not that doing it alone is impossible.
There must certainly be wonderful people who raise their kids well on their own.
But for a child, the happiest thing is still having both parents.
There are things only a dad can do, and conversely, things only a mom can do. To fulfill both of those, that's how it is.
"I used to shout that I'd never regret it."
Now I even thought about that.
"Instead of games, if only I had studied..."
Wouldn't I be among those people loosening their tightly tied ties and heading home, talking on the phone with Miho?
As I blankly stared at them, the bus arrived shortly after.
Usually, even the opposite direction seats were mostly full, but today, for some reason, there was a seat for me to sit in.
"...Hey, look at that guy."
"Wow, he's gorgeous... Must be a celebrity."
Hearing the high school girls whispering behind me, I quietly took out my earphones and put them in.
In the past, my shoulders would rise at comments like that, and I'd show off on purpose, but now I felt nothing much.
[You only know when you've experienced it.]
They say that's a saying that infuriated the 20s and 30s generation.
But that saying isn't completely without merit.
Everyone is afraid of becoming parents, and in times like these, saving money steadily to buy a house like in the old days is nearly impossible.
So they live as the N-po generation, half-giving up on becoming parents from the start.
But now that I've become Miho's guardian, my thoughts are a bit different.
'Family might be the greatest blessing bestowed by heaven.'
Just as I muttered that to myself.
From the front door of the bus, I saw a young mother holding a baby in her arms getting on and looking for an empty seat with a pitiful expression.
But after passing two stops, all the seats on the bus had long been taken.
In the past, whether that person was struggling or not, I would have kept my earphones in.
I would have quietly leaned my face against the window and closed my eyes.
"Please, have a seat here."
"Ah! Thank you."
"Not at all."
I quickly stood up, gave my seat to the mother, and got up.
We still had about 30 minutes to get to the host bar, so I thought about just moving to the side...
But I wasn't that passive of a person, and I also had a bit of a meddlesome streak.
"Your baby is really cute?"
Honestly, no lie, I asked as carefully as possible.
These days, it's a time when strangers having conversations is discouraged.
But maybe giving up my seat had earned me some goodwill.
The young mother smiled slightly, as if proud, and spoke.
"She's three years old now. She suddenly got a fever, so I rushed to the hospital. After waiting for a while, it was already evening."
"You must have been really startled."
"Yes, my heart literally dropped. Fortunately, it was just a temporary fever spike, and they said there's no major issue, so I can't tell you how relieved I am. Her dad also had overtime work today, but he's rushing back now. He said he's sorry he couldn't drive us. But I told him that's what moms are for."
Once we started talking, we were surprisingly comfortable.
It was like she wanted to talk to someone, as she kept sharing all sorts of stories nonstop.
"Ah, this is... my daughter."
[Pfft, you'd never say that in front of her.]
Shut up.
In the past, I was one of those people who didn't understand taking photos on your phone, but now my gallery was already filled with Miho's pictures in just a few days.
"Oh my, she's adorable. Isn't she just too adorable?"
"Hahaha, ahaha!"
Even I thought for a moment that some crazy bastard had possessed my body.
Hearing Miho being praised made me so proud that I burst out with the stupid laugh I never even showed during host work.
Seeing that, the young mother chuckled too.
I wanted to talk a bit more, but the place was the place, and since I'd arrived at the host bar, I had to quickly get off the bus.
In the past, I was only interested in conversations about watches, foreign cars, or stocks.
Now I could confirm that my interest had shifted to 'parenting.'
"..."
The good feeling was brief.
[Valentia Host Bar]
Seeing the sparkling sign of the host bar made my steps instinctively heavy.
Even more so when I met Park Ui-ri's stiff face at the entrance.
"Hoo, you crazy bastard... The manager said to send you straight to his office when you got here."
"I'm sorry."
With the feeling of sticking my head into a lion's mouth, I trudged into the host bar.
[Manager's Office]
"Knock knock!"
"Come in."