How to Look Forward
The day right after the opening ceremony.
...Hmm.
I had just finished dinner and was cleaning up when Seol-hwa’s cheeks seemed redder than usual.
Come to think of it, she was the type who normally paid close attention in class, yet today she had been spacing out, half-listening at best… I had a bad feeling about it, and that ominous premonition never seemed to miss the mark.
Was it the spring cold snap? On top of that she was handling all the housework, dealing with the other kids, and even her part-time job… Her constitution was already weak to begin with, so it wouldn’t be strange if she fell ill at any moment.
“Yun Seol-hwa.”
I had thought I was being careful enough to keep this from happening, but apparently it hadn’t been enough.
When I called her name and gestured, Seol-hwa answered in a voice more hoarse than usual—“What is it…?”—and padded over to me.
“Your face is redder than usual.”
“I-Is it…?”
She tried to deny it clumsily, but up close her eyes weren’t even focusing properly.
Did she really think she could hide a state like this…? I let out a sigh without meaning to. At that, the guilty little liar flinched in silence.
Seeing that, I quietly placed my hand on Seol-hwa’s forehead. Just as expected, it was burning hot like a hand warmer, leaving me with nothing much to say.
“You’re burning up.”
“It’s just a little hotter today…”
“So that’s how you’re going to play it.”
She really needed to realize she had no talent for lying. Thinking that to myself, I headed toward the storage cabinet.
Since I never knew when she might get sick, I had stocked up on emergency medicine and various tools just in case.
“Should I strip you down and take it myself, or will you measure it on your own?”
At my unusually firm tone, Seol-hwa wordlessly took the thermometer, shoved it under her clothes, and before long the distinctive beep sounded.
“It’s 37.3 degrees, less than I thought…”
Before she could finish, I snatched the thermometer from her. What met my eyes was a reading of 38.3 degrees.
“Got any more excuses?”
Under my continued questioning Seol-hwa mumbled, at a loss for words, so I scooped her up without another word.
“W-Wait a second…?!”
I always noticed it when I carried her on my back sometimes, but she was really light for someone our age.
Seol-hwa made some flustered noises, but I ignored them and headed for the hallway with her in my arms.
“My room or yours. Pick one. If you say anything else here, I’m going to get mad.”
“…Mine.”
“You really are something.”
I went into Seol-hwa’s room and laid her straight down on the bed.
“Can you change clothes yourself?”
Thankfully, she didn’t shake her head no.
No matter how close we were, rummaging through a girl’s wardrobe felt a bit off, so I had only considered it as a last resort. It was a relief in many ways.
While Seol-hwa changed, I went out to the living room and started preparing the fever reducer, cold medicine, the instant porridge from last time, and barley tea.
“Stubborn little thing…”
Why did her unnecessary consideration for others never extend to herself? I muttered quietly as I took out an ice pack and a towel.
“All done?”
When I finished preparing and carefully knocked on the door, Seol-hwa’s “It’s okay” came back, so I opened it.
It was the pajamas she had bought while shopping with Eun-ha last time, wasn’t it? The pink checkered ones looked simple yet girlish, and they suited her pretty well.
But given the situation, I didn’t bother voicing that impression. I set the tray with the porridge and medicine on the floor and placed the towel with the ice pack on Seol-hwa’s forehead.
“…You’re really good at this.”
“I prepared so that it’d be fine whenever something like this happened.”
Some might think it was overreacting over a mere fever, but there’s a saying about preparing for the worst, isn’t there?
More than anything, I was certain nothing would have changed even if our positions were reversed.
“And you—we agreed not to hide things from each other, right?”
Especially when it came to being sick. There had been a case like this before, so of course I was going to get mad.
When I spoke in a slightly sharper tone, Seol-hwa buried herself under the blanket as if she couldn’t face me.
“You finally got closer with the others. Just like before…”
“Are you an idiot?”
Normally I might have given her a light smack, but I couldn’t do that to a sick kid.
“You think Eun-ha or the others would drift away over something like this?”
There was precedent, so I could understand why she thought that.
But by now, more of them were the type who would stay by Seol-hwa’s side even knowing about those things.
Including me, of course.
And if anyone badmouthed her behind her back again just for being sick, I had no intention of letting them off easy.
I would worry, sure, but I had zero desire to let the past repeat itself.
“I know, but…”
“You worry too much—that’s your problem.”
I cut her off midway and carefully stroked Seol-hwa’s hair.
Of course she was scared. I felt the same way, even if the depth was different.
This life right now was so happy that I never knew when this happiness might vanish again.
I didn’t even want to imagine it. But since humans can’t control everything with just their hearts, every time those thoughts crossed my mind I felt a crushing pain like my body would shatter into pieces.
She must feel the same.
“I always say this, but you need to act a little more spoiled.”
“Even if you say that…”
“Like clinging to me or asking me to stay with you normally?”
“Th-That’s…!”
“Don’t flail around—the towel’s going to fall off.”
“…That’s mean.”
“Think of it as punishment for hiding that you were sick. Next time it won’t end with just this.”
“I’ll keep that in mind…”
With that, the conversation lapsed for a moment.
But before long Seol-hwa spoke up again with a “Hey…”
“Aren’t you going to sleep?”
“At least until I see you fall asleep.”
Otherwise, even if she threatened me with a knife to go to bed, I didn’t think I’d be able to sleep for worrying.
“Okay…” Seol-hwa seemed to accept that, then appeared to ponder something before carefully sticking just her hand out from under the blanket.
“Um…”
Before she could say anything, I carefully took her small outstretched hand.
“I’m not going anywhere, so sleep well. If you’re still sick tomorrow, Eun-ha’s going to throw a fit.”
“That’s true too…”
Fatigue must have built up quite a bit by then. Seol-hwa gripped my hand weakly and before long began letting out soft breaths.
“She’s stubborn in all the wrong places.”
When she didn’t wake even after I poked her with my finger, I sighed and poked the troublemaker’s cheek.
With no particular reaction, I was about to get up and sleep myself when suddenly my sleeve was grabbed.
“Don’t… go…”
Is she really asleep?
It was too perfectly timed to be sleep-talking, and I got goosebumps without meaning to.
I had no choice but to take Seol-hwa’s hand again and lean against the bedpost.
Guess I’m sleeping like this tonight.
Come to think of it, it felt similar when I first brought Seol-hwa home.
I fell asleep while nursing a girl who was completely sick.
“I’m sor…”
As I was lost in those thoughts for a moment, I heard Seol-hwa’s voice as if she was saying something.
“I’m sorry. I’ll be a good girl, so please…”
I didn’t need her to tell me what kind of dream she was having.
Even in her sleep, the corners of Seol-hwa’s eyes were wet, so I silently stroked her hair.
“It’s okay. I’m here.”
The wounds of the past were a realm I couldn’t touch, so I hoped this would at least be some comfort.
As I kept stroking her hair like that, Seol-hwa’s expression gradually seemed to regain its calm, and I let out a sigh of relief.
I felt a complicated mix of helplessness from the pity and a bit of relief that I might have helped a little.
Why did it have to be this girl?
Someone kinder than anyone, always thinking of others… whose smile was so beautiful.
Why did she have to be left neglected in such indifference, always wearing that shadowed, sad expression?
Why did her eyes have to become like that?
God really is a bastard, I thought as I held Seol-hwa’s hand and drifted off to sleep myself.
Hoping that this foolish idiot could be even a little happier…
The next day, maybe because I had slept against the bedpost, I hadn’t slept properly… When I stretched and checked the clock, it was already 6 a.m.
Wondering how Seol-hwa was doing, I turned my gaze to the bed and saw the ridiculous sight of her completely buried under the blanket.
When I yanked the blanket off, Seol-hwa, curled up like a pill bug, carefully looked up at me and said, “Y-You’re awake…?”
“…What are you doing?”
“I felt bad for making you not sleep properly again because of me…”
“You’re apologizing for the wrong thing… How’s your body?”
“Better than yesterday…?”
“That’s good, then.”
Seeing her do something foolish like that, her energy must have returned somewhat. Her voice had some vitality back in it too.
But you never know—it could relapse… It was still too early to relax.
Cooking in that state would be too much, so I grabbed my wallet and phone to go buy something simple for her to eat.
“I left clothes out for you, so take your temperature at least. Just in case, I also filled a basin with water and a towel… I’ll step out for a bit to buy something to eat.”
Changing and all that would take some time.
I deliberately took my time shopping and returned to the room to find Seol-hwa, changed into clothes, sitting demurely on the bed.
She definitely looked more energetic than yesterday, and I felt relieved inside.
“Did you take your temperature?”
“37.3 degrees…”
“Same as yesterday—you’re not lying, right?”
“N-No!”
I teased her a bit as payback for yesterday, but there was no lie in the number on the thermometer.
“Want to eat? There’s plenty of porridge, and just in case I bought some simple fever reducers and jelly too—do you prefer that?”
The moment I asked, a growling sound answered instead, and I couldn’t help laughing. Seol-hwa’s face flushed bright red as if her fever had returned.
“B-Both, please…”
“Yes, yes. I’ll heat them up right away.”
I wanted to feed her something homemade, but these days I had only just reached the level of using tools without cutting myself and measuring without mistakes… So I had no choice but to rely on the instant porridge like last time.
“I brought the porridge. It’s a bit hot—should I cool it down?”
“I-It’s fine.”
I could feel Seol-hwa’s arm trembling slightly as she took the porridge, so I steeled myself and asked with resolve.
“…Want me to feed you?”
She clearly hadn’t expected those words to come out of my mouth at all.
With an “Eh?” Seol-hwa looked dumbfounded and dropped the spoon in her hand.
“…Is it that shocking?”
“Th-That’s not it! It’s just, well…”
“It looked like it’d be hard for you to eat alone, so if you’re okay with it…”
Hearing me, Seol-hwa hung her head deeply without being able to hide her trembling eyes and answered, “Please… do.”
“Here… open up.”
“O-Okay. Ah—”
I had suggested it, but it was way more embarrassing than I expected. Seol-hwa seemed the same, her eyes darting around.
But since I had said it first, I hypnotized myself that it was a medical act and diligently repeated the arm exercise. Suddenly Seol-hwa dropped her head completely.
“I-I’ve hit my limit…”
“…Sorry, I was the one who offered.”
“N-No! It’s me… my heart has hit its limit in various ways…”
If those two usual teases had been here, we would have been thoroughly mocked.
In the end I washed the empty porridge bowl myself. There was still quite a bit of time until school, so I changed into my uniform alone and returned to Seol-hwa’s room.
I wanted to take the day off to nurse her, but I could already picture the model student getting upset about it, so I didn’t.
“There’s some time left before I leave, so if there’s anything you want me to do, order me around as much as you like.”
“I-I’m fine for now… Thank you.”
It felt somehow awkward.
Thinking I might just head to school early, I was about to get up when Seol-hwa stared at me silently.
She said nothing, but her eyes seemed to say she was lonely, so I muttered “Honestly…” and plopped back down.
“You’ll be bored until school starts. If you’re resting and have nothing to do, at least keep me company talking.”
When I said that, Seol-hwa silently showed a relieved smile.
“Hey.”
“…What?”
“Do you still miss home sometimes?”
The sleep-talk I had heard at dawn was still vivid in my mind.
If it were me, I would erase those detestable people from my head and not even think about them, but this overly kind, affectionate fool couldn’t do that, could she?
Hearing me, Seol-hwa said “…I don’t know,” pulled her knees up, and buried her head in them.
“I got sick a lot back then too, but there was no one to take care of me. They didn’t care whether I was sick or not.”
“That’s the worst.”
Every time I heard it, I couldn’t stop my teeth from chattering in anger. What kind of people could treat their own child like that?
As I suppressed my trembling clenched fist, Seol-hwa wrapped her hands around mine and said, “It’s okay.”
“Right now, Yu-seong is here for me… But I guess I can’t help thinking about it sometimes.”
“Yeah.”
I still hadn’t completely forgotten about that person either, so it wasn’t like I didn’t understand Seol-hwa’s feelings at all.
As I just sighed at the vague feeling, Seol-hwa spoke up with “Hey, um…”
“…What?”
“Can I… act a little spoiled?”
“What’s with ‘a little’—I told you to do it as much as you want.”
“Until I fall asleep… will you hold my hand?”
“That doesn’t even count as acting spoiled.”
“B-By my standards, it is.”
“If you say so.”
When I took Seol-hwa’s hand, she lay down under the blanket and looked at my hand with a gaze that somehow seemed happy.
“Yu-seong’s hand is… reassuring, somehow.”
“I don’t really get it, but…”
“I do.”
Had the fever transferred to me? My head felt strangely hot.
As I awkwardly scratched the back of my head, Seol-hwa said “Thank you always,” smiled softly, and before long closed her eyes and started making soft snoring sounds.
“She has no sense of shame in the weirdest places, this girl.”
Whether she had fallen deeply asleep right away, there was no reply.
Carefully peeking so as not to wake her, Seol-hwa’s face wore a soft, cozy-looking smile as if she had completely let go and was at ease.
“‘You’re here for me,’ huh…”
I couldn’t do anything about the wounds of the past.
In that case, at the very least, I would make the present so happy that she wouldn’t even think of that past.
“I’m off.”
With that resolve, as school time gradually approached, I stroked Seol-hwa’s hair one last time and headed for the front door.