What the Body Remembers
Ma Kyeong-il looked at his friend and began to ask another question.
This was the man who had introduced him to the cafe, who had gone so far as to recommend he join as a member — a friend of thirty-three years. They had first met at twenty, when Ma Kyeong-il entered pharmacy school, and now, in his fifties, that same friend had led him into an entirely different world.
At first, Ma Kyeong-il had entertained, if only a little, the thought that this was some kind of perverted prostitution. But after he had been with Hye-in — the cafe's public sub — for the first time, every one of those thoughts had been turned completely on its head.
The color he had always believed was white was not, in fact, white at all. It was merely what people had agreed to call white. That was what Ma Kyeong-il had come to see. That every feeling about the things of this world, every judgment of them, belonged to him and him alone.
"Hey... if a woman gets divorced, does she stop being a public sub at the cafe?"
At the pharmacist's question, his friend nodded and began to answer.
"Yeah. Divorce, from a netori standpoint, is basically stealing the sub completely. At that point she's no longer a public sub — she gets placed as someone's private sub. But that depends on the personal wishes of the woman who'd been living as a public sub. More often than not, things fall apart after a divorce."
"At most other cafes, when a sub a netori's been involved with ends up getting divorced, the netori dumps her too. Happens all the time. But this cafe never does that. A woman who gets divorced while she's a public sub — they make every effort to take care of her life, all the way to the end. If she has nowhere to live, they get her a room. If she doesn't have a job, they find her one. They take care of her so she can accept her life after the divorce as a woman, not as a sub."
"That's why the dues and membership fees are so high. They save that money up and use it to support the subs who fall apart. The reason this cafe has lasted a full eight years is because of that thorough sub-protection system."
"The truth is, a netori inclination and a Dom inclination can be entirely different things, strictly speaking. But this cafe doesn't raise questions about those finer distinctions. In a way, this isn't a cafe that aspires to true netori or true Dom tendencies at all. It's a gathering for observing the true life of a sub, or so they say."
"Just because a woman is living as a sub doesn't mean she's a hundred percent a genuine submissive. Apparently there are more women than you'd think who confuse a taste for sexual deviance with a submissive nature. Even so, the organizers say you can't afford to be careless about finding the women who do have that submissive inclination. I agree with them. It might be a matter of policy — raising several fake subs in order to find one genuine one."
"I still don't really know. It's only been two years. But in this cafe... I'm learning about life. About women. About living."
His friend said it with a light laugh, and Ma Kyeong-il nodded.
He couldn't understand how he had gone through his life without knowing a world like this existed. And yet he was thinking that even if the moment you realize you're late truly is too late — it might still be the last chance you get in this life. Ma Kyeong-il already knew well that when there is no chance at all, the thought that you're too late never even occurs to you. He knew because he had already lived more than fifty years.
"It's June, but it's so hot... It already feels like summer."
Ji Hye-in said it with a bright, open smile.
"You're right. Now that you mention it, there's not a single person here who isn't in short sleeves. I think I'm the only one wearing long sleeves."
Ko Dong-seok, sitting across from her, smiled faintly as he spoke. But his expression did not look at ease.
The two of them were having lunch — chilled buckwheat noodles and pork-and-chive dumplings. Ko Dong-seok had come to the association office where Hye-in worked, and they had gone together to a restaurant known for its cold buckwheat noodles.
"I wish you'd come back to the gatherings. Without you there, Director... it feels like something's really missing."
"Me... well. I'm not quite there yet. It's embarrassing, but I don't know. Maybe I'm being punished. I've caused so many women to get divorced — maybe I'm getting all that punishment at once."
"That's not like you, Director. You've always held your head so high."
"I know. I'm not the type to go down over something like this, but... look. I was in the wrong, too. I underestimated your husband too much. I was the one who provoked him, offering to treat him to a meal. If I could turn back time, I don't think I'd do it again. I looked down on him far too much. Hah..."
Ko Dong-seok let out a long breath.
"I've decided not to get a divorce. My husband has agreed, for now, to look the other way. And things between us are... fine, actually. I'll apologize again for the violence he used. That was something I never saw coming either. He's a frightening man, but he almost never uses violence in his private life. He barely even swears when he's driving. If someone picks a fight with him on the road, he's always the first to say he's sorry. After he got out of the military, I just assumed his temper had completely died. He'd trained in martial arts for a long time when he was young, so I made the mistake of thinking that as he got older, his heart had been trained too. I'm so sorry. Truly."
"No. That dinner with your husband — you were against it from the start, Hye-in. I was the one who pushed it through. My thinking was far too short. I hadn't looked into your husband enough."
He paused, then went on, his voice thinner.
"I think I have insomnia these days. I can't get to sleep, and when I do, I wake up almost immediately. I think the aftereffects are going to last a long time. I don't know. Something's off... with my body."
"For the time being I'm only going to focus on the trading business. I told them I'm taking a break from the sports association work as well. I just... want to rest a little. My body and my mind are both worn out."
"I'm so sorry. I don't know how to face you."
"Hye-in, you didn't do anything. Anyway... I'm going to put cafe life on hold for a while. But we can still meet like this, now and then, right?"
"Of course. After everything you've been to me, Director..."
At her words, Ko Dong-seok hesitated, then let out another sigh.
"But Hye-in. Yeom Seong-bong did the same thing, didn't he? He used to meet you privately like this, trying to pull you out of our cafe. He gaslighted you so you wouldn't be able to live as a public sub."
Ji Hye-in could not answer. The name Yeom Seong-bong had stopped her cold.
"Has Yeom Seong-bong been contacting you lately?"
"No. He reached out a few times before, but after a last text saying he was heading down to the countryside, there's been nothing."
"Don't you miss him?"
Ji Hye-in lowered her head slightly and could not say a word. For a moment, silence settled between them. Then she opened her mouth again.
"I hate him. After that man detonated everything in front of my husband, it all went to pieces. I wasn't prepared for any of it. It was so hard. I really do hate him."
"I figured as much. That's not something you cut off with a single stroke. It won't be easy."
"Even so... it was you, Director, who kept that man at a distance and led me back to the cafe. When I'm at the cafe, my heart is at ease. I can't have both of them anyway. I still don't really know. But I think finding the hidden me as a public sub matters more than being that man's private sub. And I have no desire to get a divorce right now."
"He probably thought that if he blew it all up to my husband, I'd get divorced and end up as his private sub. But that was never going to happen so easily."
Ji Hye-in had not set down her chopsticks. She spoke in a voice that sounded as if she were dreaming. Silence settled between them once more.
"Please eat. Your cheeks look so hollowed out."
"Yeah. Let's eat. Still... seeing you, Hye-in, I feel like I might live. But I'm in no position to badmouth Yeom Seong-bong. Right? I'm no different from him."
"I control that. There's still a lot I don't know, but it's already been three years. For me, I mean — three years of cafe life."