I Should Go to College
I dropped out of middle school at fifteen.
Then I shut myself in my room.
I became what people call a hikikomori.
Hikikomori (ひきこもり).
If you wanted a nice Korean translation, it'd be 'reclusive loner.'
Back then, I'd actually preferred outdoor activities to staying inside, but unexpectedly, the shut-in life really suited me. Suited me so well, in fact, that I stayed cooped up inside the house for a solid five years.
Of course, the beginning—right after I dropped out—was incredibly hard. I couldn't even sleep properly because of the nightmares.
But time took care of that, too.
Maybe I had a tougher mentality than I thought. Or maybe my resilience was out of the ordinary.
Contrary to my belief that I'd suffer forever, I bounced back quickly. While others were at school, I devoted myself to my hobbies, enjoying games at home or keeping up with internet streams.
Maybe it was because the shut-in life fit my disposition so perfectly.
Even when I turned seventeen, I didn't go back to school.
'Why go to school? The GED is ezpz.'
I passed the middle school equivalency exam at sixteen and enjoyed life to the fullest.
Then at eighteen, I passed the high school equivalency exam and took it easy.
And now, at nineteen, having just rung in the new year on January 1st—
I was in the midst of a life-defining dilemma.
'College... should I go?'
If I followed my heart, I'd just keep enjoying this shut-in life forever. In a world with high-speed internet, there was a staggering amount of entertainment available without ever needing to go outside.
Novels. Comics. Anime. Dramas. Movies. Games.
Even twenty-four hours a day wasn't enough just to enjoy my hobbies. These days, you could even do personal broadcasts on various platforms, so there was never a shortage of content to consume.
And now I was supposed to add school on top of that?
When would I ever get to enjoy my hobbies, then?
'...But still, I should go, right?'
Truthfully, I knew it too.
That I couldn't keep living like this forever.
Next year I'd be twenty.
I'd become an adult who had to take responsibility for my own life.
Of course, unlike the old days, there were cases where people got support from their parents even past thirty, but even so, you were supposed to be preparing for the future to some extent. Not just cooped up in your room like me.
I abruptly lifted my head and looked around.
Bookshelves crammed with hundreds of light novels and comic books.
A display case lined with dozens of figures.
Walls papered with posters of various beautiful anime girls and hanging scrolls.
I saw a textbook otaku room.
The one saving grace, I suppose, was that I'm fairly tidy by nature, so at least it was clean.
I got up, put away my dakimakura, and stood in front of the full-length mirror for the first time in a long while.
"Whoa..."
My appearance—no, I should call it my condition. Looking at my sorry state in detail, an involuntary sigh of amazement escaped me. Not because I was handsome, of course.
Long, shaggy, tangled hair.
A body mass that seemed to have doubled compared to four years ago.
Skin so pale it looked like it had never seen sunlight.
Everything about me screamed 'unlikeable.'
Even the fair, blemish-free skin came off as a flaw rather than an asset, given my overall condition. You could say I looked like a white pig. It kind of made me look like I smelled gamey.
What if I just stayed shut away like this?
If I went out with a body like this, I'd probably only get looks of disgust.
The thought flickered through my mind, but I shook my head.
At this rate, I'd end up what they call a boomerang kid.
I'd live a pathetic life, still sucking my parents dry well into middle age.
"Ewhi."
A sigh slipped out at the thought of such an easily imagined future.
'I really do have to go to college.'
I couldn't just stay like this when the future was so painfully obvious.
No matter what, I couldn't live my life mooching off my parents into middle age, could I? I wasn't so utterly lacking in conscience.
'Honestly, I want to make friends, and there are things I actually want to learn in college.'
The more I thought about it, the more reasons I saw to go to college.
Alright, once a decision's made, it's time to act.
I immediately opened my door, went out, and found my mother.
"Mom, can I use your card for online classes? I plan to go to college next year."
That's what I said.
"Heugk...!"
My mother burst into tears like a child.
Why cry like that, really...
*
She must have been worrying a great deal. I never imagined she would cry that much.
Of course, it goes without saying that me not going to high school and taking the equivalency exam was something I'd agreed upon with my parents. At the time, I'd explained it wasn't about avoiding education because of some trauma—I told them not to worry. I said self-studying at home simply suited me better than going to school, and that I was actually getting results.
So I truly, seriously never imagined my mother would sob to this extent. While I'd guessed she was worried to some degree... I didn't know it was this much.
All this time, I just didn't go outside the house. Inside, I laughed and chatted with my parents and had perfectly normal conversations. You'd be hard-pressed to find a kid who communicates with their parents like friends as much as I did. In my own way, I thought I'd earned their trust, fulfilling not only the role of a son but even a daughter's part.
But that wasn't it.
'She'd been holding it in this whole time.'
My mother had been careful, worried that her son might feel pressured, or that I might take it the wrong way. She had been waiting for me to come out on my own.
It wasn't just my mother. My father was the same.
The day I said I would go to college, my father said this:
"You don't have to try to do everything at once. It's okay to go slow, so let's take it bit by bit."
He spoke with a distinctly solemn expression, his words weighty.
Anything I needed, I should just say the word. He'd support me in whatever it was.
As he said that, I could glimpse an undeniable pride and relief in his eyes—something he couldn't fully hide.
'That's not really how it is...'
I felt so embarrassed and apologetic.
It was just that the shut-in life genuinely fit my disposition, really.
Unable to bring myself to tell the truth, I just nodded. Having come this far, I figured I'd better become a good son, to make up for all the worry I'd caused.
'Maybe I should exercise a bit.'
Since I was getting support anyway, I might as well sign up for personal training and lose all this weight fast.
That very day, I searched for a well-reviewed gym and went.
And three days later, I bolted.
Ah, my trauma nearly triggered...
*
Shoots sprouted, flowers bloomed, and leaves fell.
Time flew by in a flash.
During that time, I diligently studied for the CSAT while also working out. Oh, I didn't go to the gym. I did home training, cycling in my room while watching WeTube.
A man who does what he sets his mind to, Han-nam Kang Cheol-jin.
Slowly but steadily, I lost weight. Before I knew it, my body weight, which had topped 130kg, dropped to 110kg. That meant I'd lost about 2kg a month.
'Still a pig.'
I'd have to work out even harder once the CSAT was over.
*
November—the CSAT was over.
After doing a rough scoring, I clicked my tongue with an ambiguous expression. Unbeknownst to me, my mother was watching from the kitchen.
I scratched my head. No matter how I looked at it, my scores were on the borderline for getting into the university I'd applied to.
"Tch. As expected, one year wasn't enough."
Actually, it wasn't even a full year. I started studying in January and took the CSAT in November, so it was roughly 11 months of studying.
Wasn't I studying for the equivalency exams before that?
I deleted all that from my memory the instant I passed. And comparing the equivalency exam to the CSAT is nonsense to begin with. The difficulty level is completely different. Completely.
That was when my mother cautiously spoke up.
"Cheol-jin-ah, even if things don't work out, don't be too disappointed. Mom and Dad can always help..."
Saying that, she made a sudden "Hup" and covered her mouth. She looked apologetic for having let the word 'fail' slip out mid-sentence. She really didn't need to be so careful around a CSAT-taker.
I deliberately smiled, nonchalant.
"Aw, you can say it. I don't believe in superstitions."
"Still, Mom feels bad..."
"It's not like I've actually failed yet. It's a bit borderline, but I might get in on the waitlist."
"R-right. Our son will definitely get in!"
I nodded with a grin, but honestly, it really was on the borderline.
Ah, I really don't want to retake the exam next year—what a pain. I'd been trying so hard to change for once, and if it fell through now, I felt like I'd get pretty discouraged.
And then, mid-February.
After receiving one phone call, I threw both arms high into the air.
"Mother, I got in!"
"Son, congratulations!"
I hugged my mother and spun around the living room.
Later, my father heard the news and on his way home from work, he bought chicken, pizza, and jokbal. Goodness, how did he manage to carry all that by himself?
"Ah, I'll gain weight if I eat all this..."
I said, wiping the drool from the corner of my mouth with a slurp, and my mother laughed.
"Just for today, wouldn't it be okay? Our son's lost a lot of weight, you know."
"That's true, but... I'm still over a hundred kilos."
"Aw, but you're tall to match it, so it's fine."
"Yeah, right now you look nice and sturdy—what's there to worry about? Let's eat."
When even my father chimed in like that, I picked up a chicken leg, pretending to give in and eat it reluctantly.
Okay, it's true I've still got a lot of weight to lose, but just for today, it should be fine. Like my mother said, I am on the taller side.
I hadn't known, but my height was apparently 180cm. Up until middle school, I'd always sat in the front row back when I attended, but I must have hit my growth spurt late. I guess height really is genetics? Thank goodness I took after my father.
"Mmm! Umai! Dad, you got this from that really good place!"
"Hmm hmm. That shop changes their oil frequently."
"Ohh, as expected, as expected."
"Son, eat a lot. Like I said, you look just right as you are now."
"Yep! I'll eat just for today, and from tomorrow, it's back to hellish dieting. So Mom, don't make the food too delicious, okay?"
As I laid on the flattery, my mother beamed.
It wasn't just empty words—my mother's cooking skills were genuinely outstanding.
Korean, Japanese, Western. She had three different cooking certifications.
My mother spoke, pretending it was a shame she wouldn't get to show off her cooking skills.
"Oh dear, our son's diet is making things *so* easy for Mom—what will I do? You're already handsome enough as is, just eat."
"Haha, then before I start living on my own, set up a nice big spread for me. I'll be looking forward to it."
"Just make sure to take care of your health while you do it, son. And if you lose more weight, you'll get too handsome and suffer in college~."
"Haha..."
I chuckled awkwardly and picked up a slice of pizza.
Oh boy, however thick-skinned I am, I can't quite react to that last remark. Anyway, my mother—she really does have that hedgehog tendency, thinking her own offspring is utterly precious.