Chapter 33: IF - Shattered Diary

It wasn't the first time I'd sunk into the weight of a funeral. Even in my previous life, as the years wore on, I'd occasionally hear through the grapevine about the deaths of distant acquaintances. But they were always just that—strangers at arm's length. The death of the family of the girl who sat right next to me hit far darker and more dismal than anything I'd imagined.

"Such a good person... what a tragedy."

"Yeah, the truck's brakes failed and it veered onto the sidewalk... hit her."

"She raised her child all on her own, so diligently. Just bad luck."

Despite her deep respect among people, the funeral hall drew a decent crowd, but they were all ultimately outsiders. From overhearing them, I learned that Soeun had scarcely any relatives left. In other words, with her mother gone too, she was truly alone in the world.

"Poor thing. Left on her own before she's even an adult."

"At least there's some inheritance, and she's old enough to live independently—no need for an orphanage..."

"Shh, she'll hear you. That's rude."

"What's money good for? When you've lost your only family."

Pity and sympathy colored the visitors' words, but she just stared endlessly at her mother's portrait. All I could do by her side was offer condolences and help with the funeral duties.

After several days assisting the family and seeing the rites through, I watched Soeun standing there clutching her mother's urn. Solemnly, I offered what comfort I could.

"...It'll be okay. She was so well-loved; she's surely in a better place."

Yes, that was all I could manage. The utmost respect for the deceased and the bereaved. Of course, it couldn't soothe her isolation, but doing nothing might shatter her completely. So I, at least—the one by her side right now—had to support her.

"School."

As that heavy responsibility weighed on my shoulders, Soeun looked down at the urn and asked in a faint voice.

"Should I... go to school?"

"What?"

"I should... right...? I've rested... enough..."

"No, if you're still hurting, take more time..."

"You're... here."

Like she was entranced, she cut me off and reached out. The moment her hand gripped my arm, goosebumps prickled my skin. She looked straight at me, a smile forming on her lips.

"Even without Mom... you're here..."

Relief softened her voice. But it felt too unsettling to take at face value. No, this wasn't the first time I'd sensed it. Having stayed by her through the funeral, I could guess: her heart was already in ruins, from staring at her mother's portrait to accepting the death.

"Hey."

And a girl that broken needed someone to lean on.

"Do you... like me?"

That someone was me, the one who'd been by her side.

"You like me... that's why you stayed, right?"

"...Soeun."

"You'll stay... from now on, right?"

Her voice laced with desperate hope, she stepped closer, tilting her head up toward me. At that fragile, pleading tone leaking from her lips, my heart ached, and I started to give the answer she craved.

"Of course. We're friends..."

As friends, I'd help as much as she needed.

"Friends... no."

Not satisfied? Uncharacteristically firm, she rejected it outright, her voice gaining intensity as she closed the distance further.

"Friends... leave eventually."

"Soeun..."

"They leave... I hate that. Friends aren't enough..."

Perhaps the first time she'd shown anger toward me.

"I said it before, right? If we date... we can be close."

Yet hope flickered within, drawing a gradual smile on her lips—one I could scarcely imagine on her. A twisted smile that screamed she was already shattered.

"You'll date me... right? Yeah?"

"Calm down, Soeun!"

Yes, left like this, she'd break for good. Unable to watch, I grabbed her shoulders and barked to snap her out of it.

"I get that you're hurting, but... this isn't like you."

"...Not like me?"

"Yeah, you're just... ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠confused right now. Take a deep breath, calm down. You don't have to push; I'll stay by your side as long as you need."

"..."

Had my words gotten through? Her rigid face softened, and a murmur of regained composure escaped her.

"R-right... I lost control again... went berserk."

Like she'd recognized her own flaw. Feeling the tension ease, I asked cautiously, wary of any risk.

"...You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

She smiled again—this one warm, unlike the warped one before. Her following voice held gentleness too.

"Sorry. I was a burden, huh?"

"N-no. I understand; you couldn't help it."

Her only family had passed, after all. Her emotions boiling over made sense, and regaining calm now relieved me greatly.

Until her next words.

"But... we can't date, right?"

"..."

"...Too much to ask?"

Still lingering regrets? I bowed my head ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠briefly, pondering how to respond. She needed someone to hold her up emotionally. A lover in place of family would be ideal, but even pity couldn't justify false comfort with lies.

Yes, I still couldn't commit to dating anyone. And above all, my childhood friend's face floated in my mind, even now.

"...Sorry."

Reluctantly voicing refusal, she nodded as if expecting it.

"It's okay. I know forcing it is wrong."

She widened the gap, turning her back to me. Looking up at the overcast sky, her voice came light—eerily so, as if the emotional storm had been a lie.

"I'll go to school tomorrow."

That unexpected declaration spiked my worry.

"You sure? Rest more..."

"No, I'm going."

Firm resolve. Her gaze shifted precisely to me.

"At school... we can be together all the time."

Hopeful tone, but an unsettling fragility hung in the air.

"...You'll stay... with me, right?"

To her tentative whisper, I forced a smile and gave the answer she wanted.

"Tell me if you need anything. I'll do my best to help—as a friend."

As a friend. The moment I said it, regret twisted at the smile on her lips, for reasons I couldn't name.

Yes, the unease from yesterday was becoming reality. She'd said she'd come to school, but even at end-of-day homeroom, no sign of her.

"Soeun? No word from her."

"Really, no contact at all?"

"She's probably still not well. Depending on her state, she might even drop out... All I can do as her teacher is watch."

No news from the homeroom teacher either. Anxiety mounting, I reached for the student records.

"Teacher, could I get Soeun's home address?"

I felt dread. Couldn't leave it like this. Driven by that, I followed the address to her place—but no answer at the intercom.

"Soeun, you in there? Soeun!"

No response to my calls. Not home? Out at this hour? Pacing, I noticed the front door ajar.

Chill creeping in, I slipped quietly through the gap. The entryway loomed dark and musty, leading to a dim hallway. And there, solitary on the floor: a notebook.

"...A diary?"

Yes, the one Soeun always carried. I'd vaguely noted her jotting things down but hadn't pried. Hoping for clues, I opened it. Her handwriting filled the pages with entries.

Too heavy to read on. Dropping the diary, I frantically searched the house.

"Soeun! Soeun!!!"

Please, not the ending I feared.

-Creak.

Opening the door, the sight froze me, mind blanking in shock. I couldn't process it.

Too horrifying.

"Ah."

Yet I had to accept it. Her body before me. Feet dangling above the floor, arms limp. Face drained of the vivid life from memory, pale as death.

"No... this can't..."

"I... didn't mean for this..."

Despair spilled from my lips. Unable to bear it, my mind sank into darkness.

And...

"Gah!!"

Suddenly, air rushed in. Jolted awake, a different sensation crept over my body.

Yes, changed. That familiar déjà vu ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠from before pulled me up. Kicking off the bed, I checked my phone: one week earlier. Exactly the day before the funeral.

Meaning I'd returned to the past. Or rather, glimpsed the future in a dream...

...Really? Was that just a dream? No guarantee it wouldn't happen now.

"Oppa? I've been calling, no answer. You'll be late... Oppa?"

I ignored even my sister's usual words. Dressed hastily, skipped breakfast, bolted out.

"Huff... huff..."

Heart pounding, I boarded the train, waiting at her station, clutching my chest. It hadn't happened yet. The date was earlier than remembered. Her mom was alive; her heart intact.

So please. Let her appear.

-Doors opening.

Gripping my fists in desperation, the doors parted. There she was in our school uniform, reading as she entered—casual as ever.

Noticing me, she gasped.

"Ah."

Yes, alive. Innocent face untouched by despair, unaware of what lay ahead.

"G-good... morning. Ah."

Before ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠her greeting finished, my arms enveloped her. Lingering anxiety melted into relief, churning my heart.

Thank goodness. She's safe. It hasn't happened. Still just a nightmare.

"H-hey, why all of a sudden...?"

"Sorry."

But it would happen. Left alone, she'd end it herself. And I'd be the cause—my indecision, rejecting her heart.

"Sorry... it's all my fault..."

Apologies poured out desperately. Silently enduring my embrace, Soeun leaned her head against me, whispering kindly.

"It's okay."

No resentment toward my rejection—just gentle warmth, as if this hug sufficed.

"I'm fine, so... stay as long as you want."

Surrendering to her mercy, a resolve bloomed in me: prevent that tragic future. And once done, no more fleeing from past wounds out of fear.