More Than Friends, Less Than Lovers.
-Rumble, rumble. The train on the way home from school. Normally, I'd spend that time buried in reference books, but today, focusing on anything like that was impossible. All because of the girl sitting right next to me, staring at me with unwavering intensity.
“......”
“......Ahem.”
Why on earth? She clutched a book in her hands but made no move to read it, her eyes fixed solely on me. The weight of that gaze was so burdensome that a note of distress slipped from my lips, aimed straight at her.
“Um, if you keep staring like that, it's kind of... burdensome...”
“......”
Even after my words, she didn't look away. Just as her gaze began to truly fluster me, she timidly tugged at my sleeve and spoke up.
“You... won't ignore me anymore?”
“Huh?”
“Lately... it's been hard to even see you...”
Her hand gripping my sleeve began to tremble faintly, as if she could no longer contain the emotions built up from everything that had happened.
“I want to see you... but there's no chance... Every time you ignore me, my heart just aches...”
As she poured out her long-held grievances, I let out a quiet sigh and gently placed my hand over hers.
“Got it. I won't ignore you anymore.”
“Really...?”
“Yeah, really.”
I wanted to focus on Mary's situation as much as possible, but I couldn't dismiss this girl's feelings for me as something light. I still had no idea why she cared so much, but ignoring her might only make her suffer more and fixate even harder.
“......You don't hate me... right?”
“Huh?”
“If you hate me... it'd hurt... a lot.”
Her repeated questions, laced with such deep anxiety, made my own chest grow heavy in response. Even Mary, who was as close to me as they come, had never come at me this aggressively.
“......I don't hate you.”
Unable to brush it off, I decided to at least be honest about my feelings toward her.
“I've never once thought I hated you.”
“Really...?”
“Yeah. We're classmates, after all.”
Top of the class and runner-up, seatmates side by side, now walking home together. Sure, the closeness felt a bit burdensome, but if I saw it as simple goodwill toward me, it wasn't something I could outright hate. Yeah, as long as it stayed at the level of classmates, keeping things as they were seemed fine.
“Fri...end...”
But was that not enough for her? She looked a little dejected at my words. Remembering her impulsive actions from before, I brought a hand to my lips.
I still didn't know her reasons, but I could tell she was sincere in her own way. Which meant she probably wouldn't be satisfied with just being friends...
“Can I... kiss you?”
“What?”
“Kiss.”
Undeterred by my shock, she drew closer, parting her full lips and tilting her head slightly toward me.
“Like last time... is it okay?”
“......You're joking, right?”
“Think of it... as sincere.”
Was even saying it aloud embarrassing her? Her face flushed as red as the sunset, yet her words carried unfiltered honesty.
“That time... I did it without thinking... But looking back... I should ask first, right?”
“No...”
“Is it... okay?”
She inched even closer, reaching a hand toward my face. Desperate not to get swept up in the moment, I gently pushed her hand away and blurted out a reply.
“It's troublesome. If you do something like last time...”
“......Not... okay?”
“Of course not. That's something you do when you're dating.”
It wasn't just her feelings weighing on me. From an adult's perspective, for someone we'd only recently met to come on this strong—it couldn't help but raise serious concerns about propriety.
“If we're not dating... it's not okay?”
“Yeah. That's for lovers only.”
“Then...”
Yeah, so her next words were bound to be a straight pitch, no curves.
“And let me say this upfront.”
To head it off, I needed to be just as direct about my stance.
“Right now, I'm not thinking of dating anyone. Not you, not any other girls... At least for now, I just want to focus on my studies. I don't want anything getting in the way.”
“......”
“......So, sorry. I can't accept your feelings right now.”
Right now. I added that qualifier because even I couldn't predict where I'd end up down the line. My conversation with Mary's mother had shaken my resolve to stay single a little, but that was just the barest hint of possibility. The memories of my past life still haunted me, and the fear of wounding a partner because of those scars wasn't something I could shake.
“I... see.”
To my reluctant walls, she finally pulled back, murmuring bitterly.
“My actions... must've been a real hassle for you...”
At least this conversation seemed to give her some awareness of her behavior. Feeling a pang of sympathy for her regret, I glanced at the approaching station and patted her back.
“Getting off soon? I'll walk you out.”
-Doors opening.
With the announcement, the doors slid open, and her body slowly moved toward the platform outside.
I thought that was it, but a moment later, her lips parted again.
“Is it... troublesome?”
Her voice carried lingering reluctance and worry as she turned back to me, asking carefully.
“Facing each other like this... talking to you... If we're not dating, is that troublesome?”
As if realizing she might have been terribly rude, her face looked ready to crumple into tears at any second. It made a corner of my heart twinge sharply.
But it didn't feel entirely unwelcome. Still burdensome, yes—but it also meant her feelings ran that deep.
“No way. You can talk to me whenever. No need to feel burdened.”
Yeah, we still barely knew each other, right? It was just awkward because we hadn't figured each other out yet, leading to slip-ups now and then. With more time together, we'd smooth it out. Better to hold onto that promise now than dwell on anxiety or regret.
Yeah, that should be enough for the time being.
“See you tomorrow.”
I infused my farewell with that sentiment. She gave a faint smile in return and waved back.
“Yeah... see you tomorrow.”
She, too, seemed to have learned a bit about navigating our relationship through this encounter.
****
Yeah, I figured that was plenty for our relationship. A seatmate bond a touch closer than mere friends, but lighter than anything with the weight of lovers. I was fine keeping it there, and she was gradually adjusting to it. If it went on like that, her feelings would fade, settling comfortably into friendship.
That was the ideal outcome—or so I thought, until tragedy crashed in without warning.
“I heard Soeun's mom passed away in an accident.”
A mother's death. Far too massive a blow for a girl not yet an adult to bear. And as vice president, I'd confirmed her home was a single-parent household—her mom the sole guardian. To lose that one lifeline in life... could she even endure it?
“Soeun won't be coming to school for the funeral.”
Whatever the case, what she needed most right now was comfort. Convinced of that, our homeroom teacher scanned the class, seeking a suitable volunteer.
“As her classmates, it would be proper for someone from our class to pay respects at the funeral. But the whole class showing up en masse would be rude to the family, so one representative would be best. Class president, could you go?”
“Ah, no... I'm not good with those kinds of things...”
“I understand completely.”
The most obvious choice eliminated, eyes naturally turned my way.
“Then, vice president. Could you handle it?”
“......Yes, I'll go.”
As if I could refuse. Over our time together, she'd become more than a trivial presence to me.
And so, dismissed early at lunchtime, I headed to the address our teacher had given me. Before long, I stepped into a place heavy with solemnity.
The funeral hall. A space to honor the departed, where not even a hint of laughter was permitted.
There, I spotted the girl staring blankly at the portrait and softly called her name.
“......Soeun.”
My seatmate from the class next door. In school life, she'd felt closer than a childhood friend.
“Ah......”
The moment her head turned toward me, a jolt hit me—like my heart had plummeted.
The shy girl I remembered was gone. In her place was a haggard face, not even a squeeze of tears left to wring out.
“Ah... ah...”
Gasps escaped her in succession. But no words followed.
As if she couldn't grasp what to say—or as if the very idea of speech hadn't even crossed her mind.
“......Are you sitting vigil alone?”
I couldn't just leave her like that, so I asked. Only then did she seem to snap to, her voice cracking as she replied.
“Don't... know.”
Not an answer to my question, but raw confusion from a situation she couldn't handle.
“Don't know... what to do. Never... done anything like this before...”
Yeah, in the end, she was just an inexperienced young girl faced with something like this.
I couldn't abandon her to it. As more mourners arrived, I gave her the best response I could.
“I'll help. It must be too much alone.”
I couldn't fill the void left by family, of course. But as a friend, this was the least I could do. Believing that with all my heart.