Monster Rookie of the Variety Scene (8)
The scream echoed through the mountains.
“Elizabethhhhhh!!!!!!”
Sorry, Elizabeth. I’m just too hungry.
Luina Bell stared at me with tear-filled eyes, sobbing uncontrollably.
“He’s a devil! Not Tofu Man—Devil, a real demon!”
Actually, I didn’t feel sorry at all.
Using Luina Bell’s wails as background music, I began dismantling Elizabeth with elegant, practiced movements.
Meat restaurants, tempura shops, seafood markets—I’d worked every part-time job imaginable just to survive as an actor.
My knife work carries the resentment of every single one of those gigs.
Back when I had a minor role at a seafood market, I’d gone all-in for realism and spent three months working the predawn fish auctions. Filleting a plump rockfish like Elizabeth? I could do it blindfolded.
Gutting it clean, setting the head aside for stew, then slicing neatly along the spine—
I lifted the perfectly prepared Elizabeth and flashed a bright smile at the camera.
“Ta-da! Fresh rockfish sashimi, caught this morning off the coast of Buan!”
Masterful Technique!
I smiled as I read the subtitle.
“Ughhhhhhh!! Elizabethhhhh…”
Still unable to recover from the shock of Elizabeth (live, age 1)…
As Luina Bell and I traded our back-and-forth banter, the original cast members could only shake their heads in disbelief.
“That Doyun guy… that son of a—” “Elizabeth…”
Kim Geun-seok pointed at me and shook his head.
“We’re gonna have to bleep his face at this rate.” “Want to see what I can do?”
At my smile, Kim Geun-seok sidled over and sneaked a glance at Elizabeth.
“Well, it does look tasty. Let me just have one little—”
When he naturally reached out with his chopsticks, I blocked him with a sharp clack of my own.
“Rules are rules, right? I’d love to share, but I can’t.” “Man, that’s cold!”
This guy’s knife is merciless!
With that, I turned to Luina Bell, who was still crouched and sobbing, and smiled gently.
“Eat first, then cry?”
Is this man a psychopath?
“Ughhhhh… Elizabeth… Tofu Man, how can you still call yourself human?” “Of course I’m human. I’m a person, Elizabeth was a fish, and now she’s sashimi.” “Ughhhhhhhhhk!”
Perfect. So refreshing!
It felt like I’d released every bit of frustration this crazy woman had piled on me all day.
And I even got good screen time out of it. Honestly, she should be thanking me.
In a satisfied mood, I turned to Kim Chan-uk.
“Alright. I’ll wash the rice, so… you want to just rest?”
My words must have struck a nerve. Kim Chan-uk stepped forward with a proud expression.
“What are you talking about? I may not be great at cooking, but I can at least chop some firewood.”
…Was that supposed to be a brag?
I smiled. Still, unlike this morning, he looked a little more energetic. I didn’t particularly like the guy, but seeing him moping around with that dead-fish face all the time was starting to get on my nerves.
“Sure, I’ll leave it to you then.”
With that, I started cooking right beside the still-sobbing Luina Bell.
“Okay, let’s get started!” “Wait, you’re only starting now?”
I answered Kim Geun-seok’s teasing comment with a refreshing smile.
“I’ve only filleted one fish so far.” “Our Elizabeth is not just ‘one fish’!!!”
Luina Bell grabbed my head and shook it. Treating her like a noisy accessory, I shouted back.
“Alright, here we go!”
I scrubbed the octopus thoroughly with coarse salt to remove the slime, then sorted the de-sanded clams, setting the best ones aside for broth.
“What?! How is he so good at this?” “Wow, this isn’t a joke.”
The original cast’s reactions were spot-on. Right on cue, the background music from Cooking King kicked in.
※Note: Oji 1 Night is NOT a cooking show※
I couldn’t help but chuckle. What a warm, friendly subtitle style. Instead of bantering back, I decided to push forward with the cooking.
That’s probably what PD Kang Min-ju wants.
Thinking that, I struck a dramatic pose and sprinkled salt from high up, letting it fall like snow.
“What the—? He’s sprinkling salt like it’s some kind of performance?”
I answered short and sweet.
“It’s all swagger!”
At least he’s honest!
My words sent the staff and cast into roaring laughter. I used a spoon to separate the abalone meat and set the innards aside.
As for that chicken…
It was a native breed. If I simmered it long enough, it should come out nicely chewy and delicious. With that in mind, I skillfully trimmed away the fatty parts.
“Wow, Doyun, how are you so good at handling chicken?!” “It’s nothing compared to Elizabeth.”
From behind me came the sound of Luina Bell’s continued wailing.
“Ughhhk!!!”
Good. Now that all the ingredients were cleanly prepared, I added them to the broth I’d made from the rockfish head and let it simmer…!
Before long, a beautifully clear soup emerged.
“Wow… PD! Did we hire the wrong guest? Should’ve brought a chef instead.” “How does an actor cook this well?”
I answered with a bright, refreshing smile.
“If you’re an actor, you have to be able to act like you can do anything.” “You’re not an actor—you’re a born variety star!”
Kang Jae-dong stared with his mouth wide open in admiration.
“Thank you!” “So what’s the name of today’s dish?”
At Kang Jae-dong’s question, I nodded toward the cauldron.
“It’s a clear samgyetang featuring octopus, abalone, and Elizabeth—Buan’s gift from sea, land, and air.” “You can’t just casually slip Elizabeth in there!!!”
I lightly ignored the fists pounding my back and the ghostly wails coming from behind me.
On the wooden platform in front of the thatched cottage, Kim Chan-uk and Luina Bell were devouring the spicy fish stew like starving animals.
“Is it good?”
At my question, Kim Chan-uk nodded vigorously.
“Mmmph… yeah, try some.” “…Swallow what’s in your mouth first.”
I turned to Luina Bell.
“Weren’t you just sobbing over that rockfish a minute ago?”
She had wrapped rockfish sashimi, ssamjang, garlic, and every other topping inside a perfect lettuce wrap and was happily chewing away.
“Well, you see… once something’s already dead… the least we can do… is enjoy it to the fullest… right?” “Yeah, swallow first, then talk.”
Elizabeth (live, age 1) has already been overcome!
Truly the queen of positivity!
Whatever the case, Luina Bell had made it much easier for me to build my character on Oji 1 Night. It was undeniable.
Seeing her eat so happily makes me feel proud.
That was exactly what I was thinking when Kang Jae-dong, watching from across the way, spoke up.
“Hey, Doyun, why aren’t you eating?”
I had been about to start. But since he gave me the perfect opening—
Let’s go with a touch of melodrama.
With that thought, I activated Sang-cheol - Persona.
A wistful emotion took hold of me.
“It’s just so moving.” “Moving?” “Yes. Everyone working together to play the game, laughing like this, cooking together… I can’t remember the last time I felt this way.” “Doyun, you…”
Kang Jae-dong’s eyes began to glisten with tears.
Now’s the time.
I looked at him and smiled.
“And best of all, our guest team won, so we get to enjoy this delicious meal!”
With that, I scooped up a big spoonful of rice, shoved it into my mouth, and slurped down the clear soup.
…!
A jolt of electricity shot through my entire body. What kind of flavor was this?
My stomach, empty all day, was wrapped in warm comfort. The taste was so good I forgot I was even on camera.
Kang Jae-dong shouted at the sight of me.
“Hey! You were just happy we won so you could eat, weren’t you?!” “Haha, maybe that’s part of it.”
It was the truth. This was an incredible experience.
“Looks good. Let me have a bite too.”
Kang Jae-dong’s eyes sparkled as he stared. In response, I wrapped up a perfect lettuce ssam with rockfish and brought it to his mouth.
“W-what?! You’re really giving it to me?!”
Then, at the last second, I turned and popped it into my own mouth.
“Mmm, the sashimi is delicious! Hyung-nim, we have to follow the rules, don’t we!”
Perfect. By naturally passing the baton to Kang Jae-dong like that—
He jumped up in mock anger, rolling up his sleeves as he approached.
“Alright! You and me, let’s settle this right now!”
The exact moment Kang Jae-dong opened his mouth wide to shout—
“Just kidding, hyung-nim!”
I shoved the ssam straight into his open mouth.
Kang Jae-dong’s eyes went wide as he chewed, then he gave me a thumbs-up.
“Man, that’s killer!”
PD Kang Min-ju watched Kim Doyun with open admiration.
“That cooking skill and that sense of humor? If we did a spin-off next season like Doyun’s Home Cooking, wouldn’t it be a massive hit?”
At PD Kang Min-ju’s joke, the head writer nodded vigorously.
“I was just about to say the same thing.”
A guest who could cook well on variety shows was rare. One good cooking segment could become an entire show format on its own.
But this guy filled the audio track perfectly too?
Is he insane?
While cleverly using Luina Bell’s character for laughs, he still managed to squeeze every last drop of screen time out of his conversations with national MC Kang Jae-dong.
In Kang Min-ju’s eyes, Kim Doyun looked like a gift from the variety gods themselves.
“That guy was seriously born to do variety.” “I completely agree.” “Wait, weren’t you a Kim Chan-uk fan?” “I’m a fan of both now.”
PD Kang Min-ju and the head writer—no, the entire staff—were staring at the food Kim Doyun had made, licking their lips.
“Wow, just watching is making me hungry. The meal truck should be here soon.”
Just as she was wondering why the meal truck was later than usual, the youngest staff member rushed over and whispered something in PD Kang Min-ju’s ear.
Her face instantly hardened.
“What’s wrong, PD?”
Even at the head writer’s question, PD Kang Min-ju only stared at the staff member with disbelief.
“W-what did you just say? The meal truck can’t come?!”
At PD Kang Min-ju’s shout, the entire staff let out a collective groan. The shock was so great they didn’t even care that the microphones were picking it up.
“I’m sorry! I messed up the date when I relayed the information…” “Such a basic mistake… You should’ve double-checked, triple-checked.”
PD Kang Min-ju let out a deep sigh.
“No, it’s partly my fault too.”
She had overturned the casting at the last minute to bring in Kim Doyun, which had thrown the entire schedule into chaos. This was clearly the result of scrambling to reschedule the shoot.
Damn it…
It wasn’t about the meal truck budget. It was that the exhausted staff were now going to miss dinner.
“This isn’t real, right PD?” “Come on, PD Kang, this is a joke, right? You’re pranking the staff this time?” “This isn’t funny, PD…” “PD Kang, how could you trick even the staff!”
Starting with the camera director, the staff’s accusing stares poured in.
“Camera director, turn the camera toward the staff for now.” “What?” “This is variety too, isn’t it… The viewers will love it.”
At PD Kang Min-ju’s astonishing professionalism, more groans erupted.
“Haha… This episode’s ratings are going to be great.”
“Varietyyyyyy spirittttt! No dinner for any staff tonight!” “Aaaaaaaaagh!”
PD Kang Min-ju, half out of her mind, shouted the variety spirit slogan while the filming staff screamed in despair. It looked like every single staff member was going to go hungry.
“Wow, even our staff are starving with us!” “What are we going to do if you don’t eat?”
Kang Jae-dong and Kim Geun-seok teased them while genuinely looking worried.
Out of all these people, only we had full stomachs. It felt strangely uncomfortable.
Kim Chan-uk seemed to feel the same; he kept glancing around nervously.
The only one happily eating was Luina Bell.
“We should share with everyone!”
At Luina Bell’s words, I immediately shot back.
“That’s sweet, but are you planning to perform the miracle of the five loaves and two fish?” “Five loaves? What’s that?” “Jesus’ special skill.” “Wow… Jesus Christ!”
Yeah, seeing her bright and cheerful like that was nice. That was what I was thinking when two headlights appeared, climbing the rough mountain path.
“W-what? Is that the meal truck?” “Didn’t they say it wasn’t coming?!”
As the staff buzzed with hopeful excitement, what came into view was a coffee truck decked out in flashy lights.
Banners with slogans like Superstar Beatwave’s Chan-uk, please take good care of us! were plastered across it in glittering letters.
A coffee truck, huh.
Even if the filming location was kept secret from the guest, once shooting started it was impossible to hide from the public’s eyes.
On filming days, finding the location through social media wasn’t difficult. And since it doubled as free advertising, the broadcasting station probably had no reason to stop it.
I remember seeing coffee trucks show up at Oji 1 Night filming sites pretty often in my previous life.
Well, that was only for big-name stars like Kim Chan-uk.
“Uh… it’s not the meal truck, it’s a coffee truck.” “Ah, thank you, Chan-uk.”
They were starving to death and all they got was coffee. The staff tried to smile and sound grateful, but they couldn’t hide the disappointment and hunger in their eyes.
Even Kim Chan-uk looked like he’d been hit by lightning.
Well, what can you do.
Still, sending a coffee truck strategically when everyone was tired and the shoot was winding down—being a top idol really was on another level.
I’m a little jealous he has fans like that.
That was what I was thinking when another truck followed behind it. Wait, two trucks? No—three trucks.
“What the…?” “What’s going on?” “Why are there so many trucks…?”
As the bewildered staff watched, the trucks rolled in. One of them was giving off the savory aroma of tofu.
A massive banner written in bold calligraphy fluttered in the wind, featuring my face plastered across it like a wanted poster.
“Huh…?”