Monster Rookie of the Variety Scene (5): The Rattling Tractor Finally Stops
Ruina Bell hopped down from the cargo bed with a bounce and shouted in a bright, clear voice.
“We have arrived it is! Even Mother Nature is welcoming Ruina Bell with fierce enthusiasm it is!”
I stretched my aching back with a groan and crawled down from the cargo bed.
My whole body is screaming.
My clothes were ruined with dirt, and the faint taste of anchovies still lingered in my mouth.
Still, I nailed the early screen time.
Looking at Ruina Bell, I unknowingly broke into a satisfied smile.
“What is it, Tofu MAN? Why are you smiling like that? It’s creepy!”
“It’s nothing.”
Thank you, my personal screen-time generator, Ruina Bell! Let’s keep running together!
That was exactly what I was thinking when it happened.
As I watched her bouncing around, a strange sense of unease suddenly hit me. She had rolled across the same dusty floor as me, yet she made no move to brush off the dirt. She simply kept smiling radiantly at the camera.
The sight felt oddly eerie for a second.
Must just be her natural personality.
I didn’t have time to dwell on it. PD Kang Min-ju, who had arrived first, had already picked up her megaphone.
“All right, everyone. This is the lodging where you’ll be staying tonight.”
When I turned around, a beautiful sea stretched out in front of us. Behind us stood a thatched-roof house so rundown it looked ready to collapse at any moment.
“W-what the hell is this? It’s about to fall apart completely!”
Kang Jae-dong was right. Could people actually sleep in a place like this?
PD Kang Min-ju continued in a calm, matter-of-fact tone.
“Everyone, it’s well past lunchtime. You must all be starving, right?”
“What kind of question is that?!”
“Of course I’m hungry! I only had coffee this morning.”
I naturally layered on a comment of my own.
“I’m an anchovy….”
PD Kang Min-ju smiled and pointed behind us.
“Everyone, what do you see back there right now?!”
“Nothing but empty sea!”
Ruina Bell smiled too, patting her stomach as it let out a loud growl.
“Ruina Bell’s belly is also a vast ocean it is.”
“That sounded more like a tsunami.”
“Is Tofu MAN crazy?!”
These two… they’re perfectly in sync!
As Kim Geun-seok chuckled at our rapid-fire exchange, PD Kang Min-ju adjusted her grip on the megaphone.
“Remember, nothing in this world is free! We will now begin the battle for your dinner ingredients—the mudflat flag snatch!”
A vast mudflat that looked like it could swallow you up to the thighs stretched out before us.
PD Kang Min-ju spoke up.
“First, please put on the gloves and boots in front of you.”
“What are you making us do now!”
“Aigoo, PD Kang! Our guests all look so delicate, yet you’re throwing them into the mud right from the start!”
At that moment, the prankster Kim Geun-seok looked at the clumsy Lee Seung-woo and burst out in surprise.
“What are you doing?!”
“Why? Why? Isn’t this right?”
Lee Seung-woo had both hands shoved into rubber boots. Kim Geun-seok pointed at him and yelled.
“Hyung, look at this guy! Lee Seung-woo is putting on a forced show all by himself to hog screen time!”
“Look at this wicked bastard!”
“Huh? Me? What did I do?”
As expected from the original cast—their back-and-forth flowed like water.
This is the perfect moment for me to jump in naturally.
Right then—
“Tofu MAN. You cannot lose it is. Time for transformation it is!”
Ruina Bell handed me a pair of boots.
“Transformation? Why would I…?”
“They go on your hands it is.”
“These?”
While I stood there dumbfounded, Ruina Bell forced the rubber boots onto both my hands and gave my back a hard shove.
“What the—!”
Splat.
I ended up on all fours in the mudflat with boots on both hands and feet. Ruina Bell climbed excitedly onto my back.
Is this girl actually insane?!
How many times had I thought she was crazy today? Had I ever experienced anything like this before in my life?
“We are departing it is! Mudflat motorcycle it is!”
This side is no less impressive!
…Well, screen time was being secured nicely. Even if it was against my will.
Kim Chan-uk, who still hadn’t found the right moment to jump in, quietly put on his gloves and boots.
I wonder if he’s okay like that.
Just as that thought crossed my mind—
“Urya urya it is! Run, Tofu MAN!”
Ah, I didn’t have time to worry about anyone else. I needed to figure out what to do with this crazy girl.
Once everyone was armed with gloves and boots, PD Kang Min-ju pointed at the flags planted in the middle of the mudflat.
“Beneath those ten flags are hidden treasures.”
“Treasures?!”
“They are the ingredients you will use for dinner tonight! Everything from pork belly to ramen, and even duds. It’s quite varied.”
PD Kang Min-ju continued with a sly smile.
“We will divide into two teams—the three original members of Oji 1 Night versus the three guests—and compete in two rounds over five minutes. The team that pulls more flags gets exclusive rights to those ingredients!”
A full-on mudflat brawl! It was the flower of Oji 1 Night, the perfect stage for unrestrained physical comedy.
“However! Walking on two feet is strictly forbidden. Round one begins now!”
It was starting just like that?!
The moment PD Kang Min-ju blew her whistle, Kang Jae-dong and Kim Geun-seok began crawling across the mudflat.
“Let’s gooooo!”
“Hyung, take that side!”
From atop my back, Ruina Bell shouted.
“Tofu MAN! We cannot lose it is! Forward it is!”
“You’re not planning to get down, are you?”
“Of course not it is.”
Well, fine. Carrying her would only increase my own screen time.
If it comes down to it, I can always flip her off.
The image of Ruina Bell’s face planting into the mudflat would be hilarious in its own right.
“All right!”
I had face-planted in the mud a hundred times during historical war scenes. Throwing myself into a mudflat was nothing!
“Hold on tight!”
I began crawling across the mudflat on all fours.
※ He’s an actor ※
“Whoa! He’s so fast!”
“Hyung! Hyung, block him!”
The moment Kang Jae-dong tried to tackle me at Kim Geun-seok’s shout—
“Ruina Bell. Do you know that story?”
“What are you talking about it is?!”
“When quokkas are in danger, they drop their baby on the ground to escape.”
“Tofu MAN, what are you even….”
She suddenly seemed to realize what I was thinking and shook her head frantically.
“No it is! Tofu MAN, whatever you’re thinking right now is wrong it is!!!”
“Perfect. Now!”
Without the slightest hesitation, I hurled Ruina Bell off my back.
“Kyaaaaaaaaaah! Tofu MAN!”
Sorry. Just think of it as the mudflat loving you too!
Even Kim Geun-seok and Kang Jae-dong watched in disbelief.
“Hyung, that guy’s a total lunatic!”
“He’s completely lost it just because he wants to win!”
That’s right. I’m hungry, you know. I even skipped breakfast to show my hungry spirit!
Thanks to Ruina Bell becoming a wall between me and Kang Jae-dong, I snatched my first flag and held it up.
Then I slowly read the name of the food written beneath it.
This is…!
Jackpot.
“It’s pork belly! Pork belly!!!”
“Round one complete!”
At PD Kang Min-ju’s shout, everyone froze in place.
“Haa… haa…”
I was dying. While catching my breath, I looked around.
Three flags in my hand.
Tofu Actor. He’s secretly the ace!
Not a bad concept at all. Thinking that, I scanned the area.
The original members’ team held a total of six flags.
…Wait, what?
Didn’t I have three flags in my hand? I turned to look at Ruina Bell.
She held only one flag.
“Why do you only have one?!”
“What is it! I’m upset it is! I’m not speaking to Tofu MAN who threw me away it is!”
“But we’re all going to starve?!”
At my words, Ruina Bell’s mouth fell open in shock.
“Ah!”
“What do you mean ‘ah’!”
Never mind her. She had already done her part as bait. Then the last flag must belong to…
I looked at Kim Chan-uk.
This isn’t good.
He was barely moving, terrified that his makeup or clothes might get dirty.
Just then, a staff member called out.
“We’ll take a short break before round two!”
Even if Ruina Bell and I fought hard, if Kim Chan-uk stayed like that, the footage wouldn’t turn out well.
With that in mind, I walked over to him.
“Kim Chan-uk?”
He stood beside me, fidgeting with a stiff expression. He hadn’t delivered a single decent line, and he looked deeply uneasy.
Figures.
After boldly declaring he would quit being an idol to become an actor, only to be rejected, and with his past bullying issues, the other members were probably looking at him even more unfavorably.
Honestly, it wasn’t my business, and I knew it wasn’t my fault.
…Yet for some reason, a slight pang of guilt tugged at me.
It almost felt like I had encouraged him!
I had no interest in the rumors about his discord with the group, nor any intention of helping him directly.
But if things continued like this, Kim Chan-uk would become invisible and destined for complete editing. His already fragile mentality would crack even further.
I didn’t want to be responsible for the tragedy of a potential ten-million actor disappearing from the Korean industry.
Besides, it would look better if all three guests seemed friendly with one another.
If this variety show was also my stage, it was only natural to strive to create the best performance possible.
With that thought, I approached Kim Chan-uk.
“Senior. Weren’t you used to variety show appearances?”
“…Did you come here to mock me?”
Kim Chan-uk glared at me. But his expression quickly crumpled as if he were about to cry, and he dropped his gaze to the ground.
“It must look pathetic. All that smooth talk, yet I can’t even throw myself into it like you.”
Who was the one throwing himself around? I wanted to snap back, but Kim Chan-uk’s voice was already drenched in such defeat that it was hard to say anything.
I let out a sigh.
“How about doing the second round properly? Try throwing your body into it.”
“What would you know? My image… and the way my fans look at me…”
The Kim Chan-uk I knew had years of experience as a celebrity and wasn’t completely without variety sense.
The reason he was in this state was probably largely psychological.
Looking straight at him, I asked.
“What exactly is your image? A delicate flower in a greenhouse?”
“You…!”
“Your fans and the public would cheer louder for you desperately rolling in the mud, fighting for one more flag, than for a pristine prince standing awkwardly in clean clothes.”
It wasn’t a baseless claim. Back when I only saw Kim Chan-uk through the TV screen, whenever he dropped his arrogant, cool-guy act and showed his human side, I had thought—
Unlike now, I actually wanted to get close to him.
Kim Chan-uk’s eyes trembled.
“Didn’t you say it yourself? That you would beat me with your acting as an actor.”
“That time your acting was real. But here…”
I let out a hollow laugh at his excuse.
“Don’t misunderstand. Both you and I are still in front of the camera.”
“What?”
“As long as we stand in front of the camera, in front of people, I will act. The kind of acting where I don’t spare my body and just roll around the mudflat like any regular guy. That’s the performance I’m giving.”
Kim Chan-uk remained silent, simply clenching his fist as he stared at the mudflat floor.
“…”
“If you’re going to win, then come at me properly. As an actor.”
I patted his shoulder and walked back to the starting line.
“And stop looking down on variety shows.”
If he still couldn’t understand after all that, then there was nothing more I could do.
PD Kang Min-ju, who had been watching the monitor, smiled.
Perfect!
Just as PD Kang Min-ju had hoped, the chemistry between Kim Doyun and Ruina Bell was excellent.
No, excellent didn’t even begin to cover it. It was the ideal pairing she had imagined.
The main writer smiled and asked.
“So, is this the birth of a variety genius?”
PD Kang Min-ju shouted theatrically.
“If he’s not a genius, then what is he?! That guy was literally born for variety shows!”
That man Lee Tae-ryun had gone on and on at the drinking party about how he couldn’t see any talent, couldn’t see any brilliance, spouting all kinds of nonsense.
To think he was being so complacent after bringing in a jewel like this!
PD Kang Min-ju let out a hollow laugh in disbelief.
On the other hand…
She looked at Kim Chan-uk, who was speaking with Kim Doyun, and let out a small inward sigh.
Kim Chan-uk… that friend won’t do.
She had cast him because the higher-ups had decided on it, but this was worse than expected. He completely lacked the fundamental “letting go” that variety required.
This isn’t something editing can fix.
She clearly remembered that he hadn’t been this bad in previous variety appearances. Although his reactions were a bit slow, he had at least pretended to be friendly on the surface.
If she had considered him severely lacking, she would have fought tooth and nail to prevent his casting on Oji 1 Night.
Did something happen to him?
But worrying about it now was too late.
I’ll just have to cut him out and fill the runtime with Kim Doyun and Ruina Bell.
That was what she was thinking when—
“Huh? PD-nim. Kim Chan-uk’s posture…”
At the main writer’s words, PD Kang Min-ju looked at Kim Chan-uk standing at the starting line.
It was different from round one.
What is this? Why did his eyes suddenly change like that?
The frightened idol who had been backing away in fear of getting mud on himself was gone. Now he stood like an athlete at the starting blocks, eyes burning with fierce determination as he glared at the flags.
PD Kang Min-ju was taken aback.
What had happened? How could he change so much in such a short time?
It was then that she noticed Kim Doyun smiling as he watched Kim Chan-uk.
…What.
She recalled what Director Lee Tae-ryun had said about Kim Doyun during their drinking party.
-That guy? No talent! No brilliance, I tell you, no brilliance…!
-…But you know, there’s something about him that influences the people around him. From our writer Yoon to all the staff, everyone kept saying the same nonsense. Unbelievable.
Right before the whistle for the second round of the flag battle, PD Kang Min-ju felt a shiver run through her as she watched Kim Doyun and Kim Chan-uk.
“Could it be…”
The moment the whistle signaling the start of round two sounded,
Kim Chan-uk threw his entire body toward the mudflat with a speed he had never shown before.
Splat.