Monster Rookie of the Variety Scene (3)
I gazed at Luina Bell, who was already drawing every eye with her bright, carefree smile even before the cameras started rolling.
Is that her real personality?
Luina Bell. She was called an idol, but she didn’t belong to any specific group. She had risen to fame purely through her breathtaking beauty and that uniquely positive mindset of hers.
She’d enjoyed nationwide popularity, only to suddenly vanish from the spotlight three years after her debut.
Two years from now, right?
People used to speculate that she’d simply grown tired of being a celebrity—one of those whimsical, fourth-dimensional reasons. I’d always thought it sounded ridiculous.
But after meeting her in person… it actually makes sense.
That was the moment PD Kang Min-ju gave the signal. Main MC Kang Jae-dong’s thunderous opening burst forth.
My heart pounded. I never imagined the day would come when I’d witness this opening live—the same one I had only ever seen on the tiny TV in my goshiwon…!
“Deeeear vieeeewers! There’s nowhere to run! Nowhere to hide! It’s wiiiild! A real variety show that even the production team doesn’t fully understand! Every weekend we bring you the mountains, the seas, every corner of Korea straight into your living rooms! Here we coooome! Oji One Niiiiight!”
His voice shook the entire mountain valley. That familiar line slammed into my eardrums.
No one had prompted me, but as a die-hard fan of Oji 1 Night, I knew the timing by instinct.
Without thinking, I thrust my index finger into the air and stretched my arm straight toward the camera.
“One Niiiiight!!!!!”
Kang Jae-dong’s eyes widened at my surprise entrance, but he burst into hearty laughter and played along.
“One Niiiiight!!!!!! We’re heading out riiiight now!”
I caught PD Kang Min-ju, still squatting on the ground, letting out a small chuckle.
“Wooooow! Look at today’s lineup! We’ve got a top idol from Beatwave! A currently trending actor! And even a beautiful foreign idol who came all the way from overseas! Our mountain pension is gonna collapse at this rate!!”
What incredible energy.
I’d heard the rumors, but this really is the real deal.
Neither PD Kang Min-ju nor any of the staff or cast had told us where we were or how the day would unfold.
They’re going to draw out the fun with zero script.
When I glanced at her, PD Kang Min-ju was smiling.
The raw, primal entertainment that came from having no script at all, combined with meticulous planning underneath. That was exactly why people called her a variety genius.
Kim Chan-uk standing beside me already looked completely crushed by Kang Jae-dong’s commanding presence.
Luina Bell, on the other hand…
“Wow! Mister, your voice is seriously huge! You’re a total wild boar!”
She sounded genuinely impressed. This was what pure variety weight class looked like.
“Right?! I’ve got quite the set of pipes, you know!!”
Kang Jae-dong happily took the bait. Truly worthy of his title as the nation’s MC.
Good. Keep watching closely.
Even without a script, this was like a WWE match where everyone traded lines and built their characters on the fly. Once the nation’s MC laid down the stage, the guests had to push their own charm forward!
“What about our Chan-uk? Feeling good now that you’re out in the mountains?!” “Ah, yes! The air is so fresh, it’s wonderful… haha.”
Kim Chan-uk’s answer was stiff as a board. Kang Jae-dong’s gaze naturally slid over to me.
“And our comet-like actor! How do you expect to have any strength after only eating tofu! You’re gonna have to roll around properly with me today! You ready?!”
The ball was in my court.
That was when I looked over at PD Kang Min-ju, still squatting on the ground and staring straight at me.
Visualizing PD Kang Min-ju's Direction
The view in front of me instantly switched to a variety-show aspect ratio. Behind Kang Jae-dong, roaring CG flames blazed to life.
Then, with a sharp ba-bam! sound effect, variety captions slammed into the bottom of my vision.
If I got nervous or tried to act polite here, I’d fade into the background.
What I needed to do was bring something the regular members didn’t have—pure personality.
What picture was PD Kang Min-ju hoping for from me? The reason she had recruited me in the first place!
Not a scared puppy, but a crazy one bold enough to pluck a tiger’s whiskers.
Without a single second of hesitation, I grabbed Kang Jae-dong’s hand with a sly grin.
“Big bro! I’m already getting dizzy from only eating tofu! I came here today trusting only in you to snag at least one piece of meat!”
At my sudden move, the corner of Kang Jae-dong’s mouth twitched. The look on his face said, Well, look at this guy.
“But PD! What’s going on? Why did you bring us to this fancy pension with a grill and everything?!”
Kang Jae-dong pointed dramatically at PD Kang Min-ju.
In that instant the flame CG vanished. A relaxed BGM flowed in as a peaceful landscape filled the screen.
At Kang Jae-dong’s words, Kim Geun-seok—the show’s resident troublemaker—waved his hands and jumped in.
“Ah, hyung! Don’t ask, don’t ask! If you say stuff like that to those people, they’ll send us somewhere even worse. Let’s just lie down here at the pension and relax.”
Kang Jae-dong turned to look at PD Kang Min-ju.
“Is that true?! No way, right? No matter how ruthless our PD is, she wouldn’t scam us right from the start…”
PD Kang Min-ju simply smiled.
“Everyone, the pension you see behind us is the base camp where our eighty staff members will be staying.”
I looked at the grand building behind us. When I first saw it I thought we’d hit the jackpot, but it looked like comfortable healing at this pension was now off the table.
Still, I don’t exactly hate rolling around in tough conditions.
When I glanced sideways, Kim Chan-uk wore an expression like the world was ending.
“No way? We’re going even deeper into the mountains from here?”
Kim Chan-uk muttered to himself. Was it intentional? Or was this careful calculation from a variety senior?!
Probably not.
His complexion had grown worse with every mile the broadcast van drove deeper into the mountains.
Hang in there.
PD Kang Min-ju spoke calmly.
“We will now begin a luck-based vehicle game to decide how you will travel to your actual accommodations for tonight.”
“What?! For real? This isn’t the real place?” “She’s a total demon!”
At Kang Jae-dong’s words, PD Kang Min-ju laughed and continued.
“So, will it be the luxury bus with ice-cold air conditioning? Or the truck where air conditioning doesn’t even exist…”
Ba-ba-bam!
The production team quickly brought out a table lined with plastic cups.
“Exactly half of the liquid inside these cups is refreshing iced Americano. The other half is 100% pure kanari fish sauce.”
There it was! The alpha and omega of Oji 1 Night—the kanari luck game! I couldn’t believe they were starting with this the moment the cameras rolled.
Ice floated on the dark liquid, making it impossible to tell which was which with the naked eye.
So the stories about people actually drinking the fish sauce were true.
Kang Jae-dong swallowed hard, then looked in my direction.
“Of course we should take care of our guests first!”
At his words, resident troublemaker Kim Geun-seok stepped forward.
“Come on, hyung, don’t you know ‘ladies first’? Let’s have our lovely lady take a nice big sip!”
All eyes turned to Luina Bell. She didn’t look nervous at all. Instead she raised both hands to the sky and stood in front of the table.
“Watch closely. I, Luina Bell, who receives love from the entire world, am destined to pick the coffee!”
With bold confidence she grabbed a cup, stuck a straw in her mouth, and sucked it down without hesitation.
What if it’s the kanari? She’ll be done for.
Everyone held their breath. Then, tears suddenly welled up in Luina Bell’s large blue eyes. Her shoulders began to tremble.
“No waaaay! Is it Americano?! Coffee?!”
The moment Kang Jae-dong shouted in excitement—
“Blaaaargh!”
The familiar sound effect played as the caption announced her fate. Luina Bell spat out the liquid still in her mouth—right in my direction.
“Whoa, actor-nim, are you okay?!”
I nodded at Kang Jae-dong’s question.
“Yes, I’m fine! It’s all part of the experience.” “Congratulations, Tofu Man. You have received Luina Bell’s holy water.”
This crazy woman.
Kim Geun-seok jumped in again.
“Weren’t you supposed to be loved by the world?”
Luina Bell quickly recovered her smile and nodded.
“Haa… I really am blessed! It seems even the kanari fish sauce loves me…!”
I genuinely agreed. Her way of thinking was on another level. Was this what pure variety instinct looked like?
I felt the wall of talent for a second, but then I thought of Han So-yeon, who was probably cheering for me alone in the office right now, and pulled myself together.
You can do this, Kim Doyun!
My screen time was mine to seize.
Next was Kim Chan-uk. He closed his eyes tight, took a sip, and let out a sigh of relief.
Now I was the only guest left.
I have to choose carefully.
I’d claimed I could drink the fish sauce if I had to, but obviously the Americano would be better if possible.
With that thought I studied the cups intently.
“It’s our actor’s turn. They all look the same though. Pick one quick!”
Kang Jae-dong looked at me with expectant eyes.
Alright. I had a feeling. I stepped up to the table and snatched a cup without the slightest hesitation.
This was it!
I didn’t bother with the straw. I ripped the lid off and poured the entire cup into my mouth.
Ugh!
A fishy stench slammed into my brain. The salty smell shot straight up my nose.
It was 100% pure kanari fish sauce.
I want to spit it out. Should I just spit?
No. Spitting it out and suffering right away was the exact reaction Luina Bell had already used. If a rookie like me copied the same reaction, it wouldn’t leave any impression on the viewers.
Hadn’t I come here to build recognition as an actor?
In that case…
I was a twenty-year veteran extra. I had even swallowed spoiled props that directors had signed off on. This was nothing.
I widened my eyes and forced the kanari pooled in my mouth down my throat.
Gulp. Gulp.
Salty. Fishy. So salty! So salty!!
This tasted even worse than I expected!
Kang Jae-dong looked at me, slightly flustered.
“W-wait, is that really coffee?! Why are you chugging it like that?!”
I slammed the empty cup down and flashed a refreshing, relaxed smile.
And now was the moment.
Kang Jae-dong’s signature line—the one he was famous for. I was going to steal it right here!
“It’s all good.”
I took one deep breath, stared straight into the camera, clenched my fist, and roared into the air.
“As long as I’m okay with iiiiiit!”
The entire set burst into laughter. They probably thought I was so happy about picking coffee that I even stole the main MC’s catchphrase in celebration.
“Yeahhh, Tofu Man is awesome~”
Not yet. There was still one more thing.
Even Luina Bell was clapping when Kang Jae-dong, who had been laughing with the captions, casually picked up the empty cup I had set down.
Success.
I cheered inwardly. Yes, check it.
That was the template!
“Wow, our rookie actor! You’ve got insane luck! The spirit of the wild must be helping you!”
Kang Jae-dong was laughing loudly and slapping my shoulder when it happened.
…What the?
The smile froze on Kang Jae-dong’s face. The moment he stood next to me, the unmistakable fishy stench hit him.
This smell… it’s one hundred percent pure kanari, isn’t it?
Did he really drink all of it? His insides had to be turning over, yet this rookie was smiling brightly.
He chugged it in one go, smiled, and even stole my catchphrase?
The mind of the nation’s MC Kang Jae-dong went completely blank. Is this guy even human?
“Hyung? What’s wrong?” “Jae-dong hyung?”
Kang Jae-dong forced his lips into a smile.
Now that he knew the truth, there was only one thing an entertainer could do. He had to deliver the line.
Kang Jae-dong sniffed the residue left in the cup and shouted.
“Uwaaaaaagh! This isn’t kanari!!”