A Place to Start Again
The conversation we had over soft tofu stew was remarkably simple.
It was about what would happen if Noona went back to university.
Of course, it wasn't as if the thought had never crossed my mind—what if Noona returned to campus?
Besides, we'd already walked all the way to the university's main gate once, even if she'd run away afterward.
Still... couldn't she try attending again?
"If you're up for it, Noona, want to go together tomorrow?"
"T-tomorrow? Wh-where?"
"To the club. The Youth Literature Club. The founding members and the new ones will all be there."
Let's start over from there.
I didn't know whether Noona would want that or not.
But if we started from there, I felt like she might be able to begin again.
Because there were people she knew.
Even if she'd forgotten them—if she remembered them, the people there would definitely be there for her.
"That's a good idea, but will the others be okay with it? Won't they be shocked when they see me like this?"
"It'll be fine. Everyone else has changed a lot too. Do you remember Senior Su-hyeon and Senior Baek-hee? Both of them have changed completely. So no matter how much you've changed, Noona, everyone will understand."
Would they, really?
I wasn't entirely confident.
Na-yeon would definitely look at me with a face that said, You actually brought her? Su-hyeon had an interest in drug-related cases, so he might approach her about that.
And what kind of faces would the others make? The Painter was especially worrying—if that guy tried to use this as material for his work, I'd have to figure out how hard to crack his skull so he'd never write a true story again.
As these various worries swirled through my mind, I noticed Noona looking at me.
With a smile.
"Noona?"
"It's nothing. Watching you fretting like that, I figured you were worrying about whether it'd be okay for me to join the Youth Literature Club. Why are you so worried? ...Can I hear it?"
"Well, if you hear it... it's kind of that kind of worry..."
I told her what I thought would happen when she joined the Youth Literature Club.
With Na-yeon, she'd definitely grill me about actually bringing her along—not because coming was a bad idea, but more in the vein of Ah, how am I supposed to handle this? while still accepting her all the same.
The real problem was...
"It'll be Senior Su-hyeon."
"Su-hyeon? Why? He wasn't that scary, was he?"
"He's gotten scarier lately. Especially if he sees you, Noona—he might come running right at you. He's... enrolled in the barista department now, and—I'm not sure if I should even say this, but."
"I didn't commit any crimes, you know? I don't care what Su-hyeon says. If he wants to arrest me, tell him to go ahead~ I haven't done anything wrong."
"That's not the problem, Noona..."
I hesitated over how to put it, then decided to just tell her the truth.
If I didn't mention this now, I was sure I'd clash with Senior Su-hyeon eventually.
"Senior Su-hyeon has started operating as a police officer investigating drugs."
More precisely, he investigated drug cases and made arrests.
How a barista major was investigating drugs and making arrests was beyond me, but that was what scared me.
What if he threatened Noona?
What if he came at her over the fact that she'd taken drugs? That worry hit me first.
If something like that happened, could I protect her?
Would Noona be okay? The moment that thought crossed my mind, Noona's expression darkened for an instant.
But then—
"It'll be fine. If it's Su-hyeon, I think he'll understand me."
"Th-that would be good."
"He's your senior and your friend, isn't he? Have a little faith in people. ...Though I guess I'm not one to talk."
It wasn't that I didn't trust Senior Su-hyeon. But honestly, just because he'd switched from the police track to barista studies didn't mean that expression of his would soften.
Whenever something bothered him, he made a face scarier than anyone's—how could that not be frightening? But fortunately, Noona was talking as if she wasn't particularly scared.
That was a relief, at least.
I took comfort in the fact that she wasn't that terrified.
After that, I introduced her to the other members, and Noona seemed pleased that the group had grown without her knowing.
Whether she genuinely liked it, I couldn't say.
"By the way, I thought Na-yeon was a total late bloomer, but she ended up dating a girl after all."
"I had no idea either. I never thought she'd start dating the moment she became a college student. Apparently it was Pyeon-a who asked her out."
"I figured as much, actually. Knowing her, I was sure that's how it'd go. Hearing all this, a lot really has happened, hasn't it? So how did Su-hyeon and Baek-hee end up together?"
"I'm not really sure about that. One day, out of nowhere..."
So this was what it was like—being able to talk this long.
Being able to have a long conversation with Noona.
Being able to talk at length about ordinary things, as if it were the most natural thing in the world.
Something like laughter wanted to rise up, but I couldn't laugh.
The only time I was allowed to smile was when Noona smiled. That was the only rule I'd set for myself.
If I suddenly laughed at any other moment, I had no idea how Noona would react—and that was what terrified me most. I couldn't bear it.
It wasn't that I was afraid of Noona.
Maybe I was afraid of what I had done.
Until that fear disappeared, I couldn't even have a proper conversation with her.
Maybe I was seeing that fear even now, in Noona's smiling face.
Because I'd done something wrong?
Was it simply that? Or was there some other fear underneath?
I wanted to know.
So I wanted to hear more of her answers.
One day, suddenly, when that smile vanished and she wore no expression at all—when she said something on that day—would I be able to answer?
To that question, I had no choice but to answer no.
All I could do was hope that, as the soup slowly emptied and time passed, Noona would find happiness in this conversation.
And if—if some other kind of conversation came up—what would I even say about it?
The world had changed far more than I knew.
The Youth Literature Club had produced countless couples, and there were so many faces I didn't recognize.
And the fact that Su-hyeon and Baek-hee were investigating drugs—that scared me a little.
Well, of course it did.
If my past became visible to them, I'd be finished with Kang-to.
Even if I'd never wanted any of it—if those two uncovered my past, would Kang-to still look after me then?
...Of course he wouldn't.
So I had to lock him down beforehand.
Kang-to had to stay by my side.
The only place I belonged was at Kang-to's side.
For that, Kang-to could do anything to me.
I could endure anything done to me.
"That was fun! The soup was just the right amount of spicy, just the right amount of hearty. Since all I can taste is spicy and hot, there's no way of knowing whether Kang-to brought out a salty broth."
"It wasn't salty."
"I know. If it had been, I would've felt it in my body. But looking at how I don't even feel like drinking a glass of water, it clearly wasn't~."
This happiness.
This trembling—I don't want to lose it.
So no matter what happens, I have no choice but to take happiness from you.
Or rather, I have to survive here somehow.
If it's for the sake of surviving, I can do anything for Kang-to—even the things I can't do.
"Hey, Kang-to."
"Yeah?"
"Are we just going to end it with the meal? There's so much I want to do with you."
Even if to Kang-to this is nothing more than playing at being lovers—even if I'm nothing more than a doll to him—I want to be by Kang-to's side.
"For example, looking at the photos you took together on that computer over there."
"Ah, they're all embarrassing pieces... are you sure that's okay? If you want to, Noona, I don't mind."
I have to do whatever it takes for that.
And more than anything, if it's for Kang-to, I don't even feel like I dislike it.
"Or, Kang-to—about what we did yesterday."
"Uh... w-wait, I don't think that would be okay."
But if you refuse me, what am I supposed to do?
Why on earth would he refuse?
Yesterday was something I caused—so why is he the one turning it down?
"Why are you looking at me with that flustered expression? What happened yesterday was because I seduced you. It's not like you raped me or anything, right?"
Did you rape me?
"That's not what it was, right? We did it by mutual agreement, didn't we?"
Are you saying you raped me?
"I know perfectly well that's not what it was, so why are you like this, Kang-to? Why? Did I do something wrong? Between minors it might be different, but between adults it's legal in this country. You didn't rape me, did you? So why are you afraid? Why? Did I mess up? Is it because you hate me? Do you hate it when I do this?"
That's not it, is it?
I did it because I wanted to, and I took you inside because I wanted you to feel good—so why are you like this?
Do you hate it when I act this way?
Have you figured out that I'm trying to stay by your side?
Or do you just hate me?
Either way, I refuse. You belong at my side—that's how it should be.
"Th-that's not it. I'm just not ready yet."
"Ah, right. You can't do it right after eating. And you're going to campus tomorrow, right? We should finish before midnight so you won't be too tired. Hmm~ Just once, and then we're done, so don't worry. There's no way you'll collapse from exhaustion, Kang-to."
"Ah, yeah."
"Well, whatever it is, they say the best things come after a meal! Shall we look at the photos you took? I want to see what kind of pictures you've been taking while I've been gone!"
Listen, Kang-to.
I know full well that I'm being pushy.
But if I don't push like this, it feels like you'll never do it for me again for the rest of your life. Today was the same, wasn't it?
If you talk like you'll never do it again, I have no choice but to become this obsessed.
So.
Please don't ever say that again. The reason I do it with you is because I like you. If I'd hated it, I would have found some way to run from you back then—and without listening to a word you said, I would have hung myself.
So please, don't worry.
I'm sincere only with you.
No matter how anyone else might feel.