We'll Bear It Together
"You sure took a ton of pictures that could make the news~ So this is how you make your money, huh?"
"For now, yeah. If I want to keep living as a photographer, making money has to come first. Honestly, though… if it were up to me, I'd rather be taking more pictures of you."
"I'm… ready whenever you want. I said I hated it when we first met, but yeah. It's fine now. …As long as you're the only one looking, I don't really mind. Yeah."
I wanted to photograph her.
That thought came to me for the simple reason that I genuinely wanted to. Because no matter where we went, I couldn't help thinking that any picture of her would turn out beautiful. Part of me even wanted to show those photos to other people—but she would never want that.
She was already so self-conscious about how she looked, and more than anything, she was so conscious of me.
Why had she only grown more obsessed after what I'd done yesterday—something that, to her, must have been no different from a crime? No matter how hard I thought about it, I couldn't understand. Had there been something about me that appealed to her? Looking back on yesterday, there was no reason for her to cling to me like this.
Or maybe the drug's side effects were still lingering in her system. And if that were the case, shouldn't I be the one stopping her?
The thought crossed my mind—and then her words from before came flooding back.
Why are you looking at me with that flustered expression? What happened yesterday was because I seduced you. It's not like you raped me or anything.
It wasn't like that, right? We did it by mutual agreement, didn't we?
I still couldn't tell which of the side effects Su-hyeon had described—Impulse, Suffering, or Domination—those words belonged to. Was it the impulse of having met me? Some reverse craving for domination born from the sex we'd had last time? Or was she suffering because of me?
I had no idea which it was. And if it was none of those things—if she was simply enjoying herself—then what was I supposed to do?
Lost in those thoughts, I suddenly realized she had slipped down beneath the chair.
"N-Na-bi? Since when—?!"
"I've been down here for a while. You looked like you were spacing out, so I came down on purpose to snap you out of it. I heard guys like it when you start with your mouth first, but I've never done it, so I don't really know. All I've got to go on is what I've seen in porn."
"Th-then maybe the bed…"
"Would that be better? Yeah, fair point—if we do it under a computer chair and something slips out by accident, I'd be terrified of hitting the computer on the way up~ Okay. Then let's go do it out there. The bed would be better, right?"
"Y-yeah, let's. And a condom…"
"Don't need one. I already told you. If I get pregnant, I'll give birth and raise the baby myself. And who knows—maybe I can't even get pregnant."
Hearing her say things like that scared me.
I'll give birth and raise it myself.
That attitude—as if she didn't care what happened to her—got under my skin so badly that I finally forced the words out.
"We'll… take responsibility together."
"Huh?"
"I said we'll take responsibility together, Na-bi."
I had always meant to take responsibility. From the very beginning, I was the one in the wrong, so of course I had to. And if she kept insisting on shouldering it all alone, then doing it together was better. There's a saying about falling into hell together if you're going to fall at all.
But I didn't think of it as hell. Nobody calls an inevitable outcome hell. Dropping into the natural consequence of your actions is no different from diving off an eleven-meter board into an overflowing pool. So even if I fell with her, it didn't matter.
Someone might ask why I'd do that. Someone else might call me a sucker for even considering it. But I, Lee Kang-to, considered that fall the most natural thing in the world. Because nothing had changed between then and now.
"Kang-to… do you even understand the weight of what you're saying?"
"You're one to talk, Na-bi. It's not like you don't know the weight of those words either. That's exactly why I mean we'll take responsibility together. Together with you."
"Kang-to, you—uh, uh, hoohoohoo, hoohoohuhuhuhu, hihahahahaha!"
At that, she laughed. She laughed hard—louder than anything I'd ever heard from her. I wondered how many times in her life she had ever laughed with a sound that big. After that brazen, full-throated laughter, she finally stopped.
"Okay. So that's how you feel. Then, Kang-to… will you promise me just one thing?"
"W-what?"
"I don't know how well you think you know me, but… what if I'm a worse woman than you ever imagined? What would you do then?"
"I'd still understand."
Because she wasn't that kind of person.
"What if I did something bigger than anything you know about, and it caused an even bigger disaster—could you still forgive me?"
"Yeah. Of course."
Because I knew she wasn't the kind of person who would.
"How can you say that with so much confidence? Do you have that much faith in me?"
"You already showed me in the past that you're not that kind of person."
I had known for a long time—from way back—that this woman wasn't like that. If she had been, she would have been that way from the start, and I never would have followed her in the first place. And more than anything, she never would have run from me the day we first met.
I understood all too well why she carried that fear, why she believed she was the one at fault. So there was no need for her to take responsibility for everything. The sins of this entire world were not hers to bear. Even if the weight was heavy—even if something truly heavy rested on her shoulders—she still deserved to be loved. So she didn't have to drive herself all the way to the edge like that.
"So no matter what happens to you, Na-bi… I'll believe in you."
The reason I could believe in her wasn't simple blind trust. It was everything she had built up over time. What I believed in was who she was. And even if that came from the past, it had become the present, hadn't it? So I could say it to her as many times as she needed.
"So stop saying you'll take responsibility alone. I can do it too—as much as it takes."
The moment she heard that, she pressed herself against me.
"That's not fair. If you'd said that to anyone else, they definitely would have fallen for you. Why haven't you dated anyone all this time? Honestly…"
She buried herself against my chest and started nuzzling into me, as if she were leaving her scent behind.
"If a noona like me snatches you up, people around you are going to say some nasty luck latched onto you, you know?"
But for all that, she was smiling.
"Mind if I borrow the bathroom for a second? I guess I'm more nervous than I thought—I really need to pee!"
"Uh, yeah. Go ahead."
It was a lie.
I didn't need to go at all. This was just preparation. I couldn't stop the smile spreading across my face, so I fled into the bathroom.
I wanted to turn on the water, but I'd have to wait until after we had sex for that, wouldn't I?
Ah… I just wanted to laugh as hard as I could. I was so happy that Kang-to believed in me like that—so happy that there was no one else, only me—that I wanted to laugh like a madwoman. But this was Kang-to's house, so I couldn't do anything. All I could manage was a smile.
The me in the mirror was never good at smiling. But today, she was doing it just fine. I didn't understand why that smile refused to stop. Even when I tried to press it down with my fingers, it wouldn't go away.
No—I shouldn't stop it, should I? It had been so long since I'd laughed. So long. How could I possibly stop a laugh like that? How could I stop smiling when someone who believed in me had finally appeared?
Until now, there had been no one who believed in me. And even that person had died. But now, at last, someone who believed in me existed. Didn't that mean I was allowed to be this happy? There was no rule anywhere that said I didn't deserve happiness.
Just this once was enough. Please, just let me be happy. And if I can't be—then I'll scratch at my wounds over and over again. If they're wounds I'm going to have to tear open anyway, then I'll scratch and scratch and scratch them raw.
Look at me in the mirror. Did I turn into a redhead because I was that happy? No. No matter how many times I dye it, I can never escape this red hair. The dye eats into my scalp and leaves its own wounds, and I am wounded in my own way.
"Ah."
A strand of hair fell.
Now that I looked, hair was coming away along with the sound of me scratching myself. Huh? Something felt wrong. Why were strands of hair stuck to my hand and wrist like it was nothing? Did I scratch them loose? Wait.
Wait… this isn't right. Why is this happening all of a sudden? Why are my own hairs slowly binding me?
"Ah… ah…?!"
Even though I felt like I might collapse, fear made me stop looking in the mirror. Only after I pulled myself free of its reflection did my real self come into view.
My hair hadn't fallen out. It had just been an illusion the mirror showed me. A fake vision. It always did this the moment I tried to be happy.
I clutched at my chest over my heart and screamed inside my head.
I am happy.
I am happy.
I am happy.
I am happy.
I'm happy, so why am I having a nightmare like that? What I just saw was fake. The idea of my own hair tying me up—something that ridiculous could never happen. Right?
"I-I should've just peed like Kang-to thought and come straight out. I shouldn't be doing this in here."
Right. There's no way my hair would suddenly fall out and bind my wrists. I just saw it wrong. Yeah. I was seeing things. I see things like that all the time. Those kinds of illusions. So it's fine. The me right now is fine. If I'm not fine, then who is?
Right? That's how it is, right?
No.
No. I can't take it. I keep seeing it—my hair on my arms—and I can't stand it. I can't endure this any longer.
Kang-to. I need Kang-to. Call me selfish if you want, but I need him. Because the me right now is still dreaming a dream where I can never be happy. I can never escape that nightmare. To escape that nightmare, I need Kang-to. To escape the nightmare that drug gave me, I need Kang-to.
"Kang-to!"
"What—ugh?!"
Before he could even finish answering, I threw my arms around him.
Only now did I feel like I might actually be able to feel happiness.
Why am I this selfish?