My Older Sister Was Broken - 6
We went to a soft tofu stew place near my house. There were no other customers, yet we still took a seat in the corner.
I'd tried to choose a closer table, but every time I moved to sit down, Noona would tug on my hand as if she were frightened.
I thought I understood the reason, so I led us to a corner seat where we could face each other properly.
Even so, the uneasy look never quite left her eyes.
"Hey, Noona, you might still remember this—back then, you know, when you made soft tofu stew for me yourself. Do you remember?"
"Ah, sorry. To be honest, I don't. It's been quite a while since I last cooked anything."
"You're a guy who can't even make soft tofu stew? What are you going to do? You invite someone all the way to your place and you can't even prepare a decent soft tofu stew? How's your future bride supposed to feel about that?"
"I know I'm the eldest son and I didn't inherit Mom's cooking skills… You're teasing me too much."
"Keep that up and you'll end up living on instant ramen for the rest of your life. Do you have any idea how miserable a man who can't cook becomes? Well, I wouldn't know—I don't have a dad."
"Don't say things like that with your own mouth, Noona… Fine. Fine. Someday I'll cook so well you'll say I'm amazing."
"Before that, try my soft tofu stew. How is it?"
"It's delicious."
"Isn't it? Glad we came here, right?"
"I don't know about that. Yeah."
Her tone now was exactly the same as back then, the way she said it was delicious was exactly the same—so why was Noona claiming she remembered nothing?
I still remembered the soft tofu stew she had made for me, yet she spoke as if she didn't recall a single thing.
What was I supposed to do?
What was I supposed to say? What came next?
Were we just supposed to finish eating and go home like this?
Was it simply going to end here? Without me doing a single thing?
"Hey, Noona."
Alright.
Just go for it.
Let's try.
Two years of living alone weren't for nothing.
When I got bored I even followed cooking videos online—how hard could soft tofu stew be?
Lee Kang-to, you're not just some photographer who only takes pictures.
Let's do this.
"Could you eat dinner at my place tonight?"
"…All of a sudden? Ah, again…"
"No, it's not like that—not like that at all. This time I want to feed you soft tofu stew I made with my own hands. So… what do you think? Is that okay?"
If she said no, what was I supposed to answer?
What method was left to keep hold of her?
How was I supposed to hold on so she wouldn't run away?
I'd already messed up so badly I didn't know what to do anymore.
But… I had to say it.
"I can't promise it'll be the taste you want, but I'll do my best—"
"Yeah. Okay. If it's something you make, anything's fine."
The answer came right away.
I didn't know whether I was supposed to feel relieved that it had come so quickly.
"Then I should only eat this much and leave the rest. I can't manage any more."
She pushed the soft tofu stew she had been eating away from her.
As if it were useless—even though she hadn't even finished half of it.
"Noona, if you only eat that much won't you get hungry? You should eat more first…"
"No. I don't want any more. I want to eat what you make."
"I-it might not even taste good, and this place is supposed to be really good at it, you know?"
"Whether it's a good place or not doesn't matter."
Ah.
Noona's eyes looked terribly empty.
That vacant gaze again—the one that held nothing at all.
Why this time? For what reason?
"If it isn't something you make, it has no meaning. This is just food someone else prepared. It only means something if you make it. If you make it."
Why was she saying things like that?
Why was she looking at me with those eyes and saying those words, Noona?
I just wanted to cook for her. That was all.
"I finally understood that food only counts when you make it. Up until now I've been surviving somehow, but I don't think I can anymore. I even lived on triangle kimbap. It wasn't because I wanted to die. So make your food for me with your own hands."
Don't say it with those eyes, smiling like that.
I knew better than anyone that Noona wasn't that kind of person—so why was she making that face?
Noona.
"You haven't even eaten half either. Hurry up and eat. Ah, is it because I'm here? Or maybe…"
"It's not that. I was just matching your pace. And that doesn't mean you're a burden either. So… j-just wait a little longer. Just a little."
"Okay. I'll wait."
I knew perfectly well she wasn't the sort of person who would do something like that.
Then was this the effect of those drugs?
Then how was Noona looking at me right now?
If the way she looked at me was strange, what was I supposed to do then?
Fear of that left me with nothing I could say.
What was I even hoping for?
How did I want Noona to get better?
Was I even capable of that right now?
Could I heal her?
After the meal we decided to head home together.
Not to my place—to hers.
"There's nothing to see at my place. Are you sure you're okay with that? If you go in, it's just full of smells."
"A guy's place or a girl's place—they're both the same. My place wasn't exactly clean either, was it?"
My plan was to drop her off at her apartment and then invite her over to mine later.
I didn't know what else to do, so that seemed like the better approach for now.
That was how we arrived at Noona's place.
She lived in an old apartment complex.
Her parents were gone.
They had died in a car accident while she was in high school, and she had lived alone ever since.
Even so, Noona had always shown a bright smile.
But with the Noona in front of me now, I had no way of knowing whether that smile was truly bright or not.
If that really was her smile, I didn't know how I was supposed to look at it—and that alone was so painful I could barely stand it.
So.
"I'll go in by myself. A guy going in and out of a place where a girl lives alone isn't right, is it? And… there are a lot of things I don't want to show."
"Ah, yeah, I guess so. A guy going alone into a place where a girl lives by herself is a little weird, right?"
Even when I tried to brush it off with a smile that said of course, the smile itself wouldn't come out naturally.
So I simply sent Noona inside.
I told her I would come back later that evening, then watched her open the door.
I should have stopped her then.
When the inside of her apartment turned out to be completely filled with trash, Noona showed me that sight, looked at me as if she never intended to see me again, and then closed the door.
I wanted to believe it was just my imagination… but of course it wasn't.
I wished it were only my imagination, yet the trash and the countless bags of psychiatric medication could not be hidden.
I crouched down for a moment in front of her door.
I had never felt this agonized before simply because I didn't know what to do.
No matter how badly a photo shoot went, I could always improvise my way through it—but relationships with people were nothing like photography.
What if Noona didn't come out this evening?
I was a little afraid.
I had left my number and we had promised I would come to her place today, yet that was exactly what terrified me so much I could hardly bear it.
At this rate it felt like I was the one who had taken drugs.
Kang-to sent me home.
This place was nothing like a home of mine.
Even if I bought it, even if I paid for it, this place was not allowed to be my home.
Did Kang-to understand that suffocating feeling? Did he know?
Of course not. There was no way he could.
It would have been better if he had taken me to his place instead. If only I hadn't said anything about meeting again here. Why on earth didn't I let Kang-to come inside?
No.
I couldn't show him something like this.
I couldn't show him how broken I was.
Right. First I should swallow the medicine.
Then maybe I could move a little closer to Kang-to, even if only slowly.
He was the only one who had accepted me, wasn't he?
Even if I had forced it, he had still accepted me.
"Ugh."
I counted the pills, but there were far too many.
Twenty in total—pills to prevent addiction, pills for daily life, and still more… When all those countless pills went into my mouth, their bitter taste caught in my throat.
No matter how much water I drank, the bitterness remained until I could barely stand it.
And still I didn't get better.
Even though Kang-to had given me the happiness of remaining even a little bit normal, I still didn't get better.
If I couldn't go to Kang-to again like this, what was I supposed to do?
If Kang-to said he didn't want me, what was I supposed to do then?
I wanted to move however Kang-to liked, but I didn't know how to make him like me.
What am I supposed to do?
"What am I supposed to do? Me?"
I tried talking to the mirror, but no answer came.
If I stepped outside this evening and Kang-to wasn't waiting, what was I supposed to do?
If I waited a long time and Kang-to still didn't appear, would I have to shut myself back inside this house again?
Would I have to go back to living painfully on triangle kimbap?
No. Kang-to would never abandon me.
Kang-to was kind, wasn't he? He was the boy who accepted even someone like me.
If he hated it he would have said so. So… so I shouldn't worry about that.
Like that, while I scratched my whole body, the smartphone on the bed lit up.
A message from Kang-to.
What was it?
Was he telling me not to come? Had he gotten angry because of the expression I showed him earlier?
What happened?
I was scared to look at the text. I didn't even know if I was allowed to look, so I kept scratching myself.
Blood touched my fingernails. I knew I had been scratching that long, yet I still couldn't bear even the thought of reading it.
Finally,
when I finally managed to look at the message—
"Aha… hahaha… I knew it. Kang-to."
I felt relief.
I had no idea why the fact that Kang-to still hadn't abandoned me felt so good.
Kang-to still… hasn't abandoned me…
I still haven't been thrown away.
I… still…