Impulse, Suffering, Domination
“I won’t tell you the name of the drug, but once it’s administered, the hair turns red. The real problem is the method of administration—there’s only one way to give it.”
The next day, Senior Baek-hee and Senior Su-hyeon were already waiting in the club room.
Na-yeon must have given them a heads-up.
“It’s a syringe. That’s the only way it can be administered. If you inject it, the effects stop at mild itching. But if someone ever swallows the stuff, the internal side effects are catastrophic—itching, severe nervous breakdowns, personality changes, and that red hair I mentioned. The melanin that should have gone into the hair gets mixed with blood and the drug’s components, turning it crimson.”
Senior Su-hyeon was an expert on crime.
He’d even entered the police administration department once, after all.
He’d switched to barista studies now, but still.
Putting everything he said together…
“I know you want to hear about a cure first, but unfortunately there isn’t one. The drug’s components are so potent that even when they dilute it little by little for injection, drinking it straight floods the body until it can’t cope. Body and mind are one in psychological terms, so of course the mind gets scrambled too.”
One cup of coffee.
And then—
“So there’s nothing I can fix for you. All you can do is keep taking psychiatric meds and fight to maintain the status quo. …Her name was Na-bi, right? Ho Na-bi.”
“H-how do you know her name?”
“Don’t forget I went to the same school as you.”
Senior Baek-hee set another cup of coffee down in front of me.
“I know about Na-bi too. That she graduated from Hankuk University, that her grades were sky-high in her third year of high school, that she always wore a bright smile—all of it. That’s why I refuse to believe she willingly tasted that drug with her own body.”
“Then…”
“What I’m about to say doesn’t even count as a solution. Just filter it out. But you—you want to help her somehow, don’t you? That’s why you’re so invested. …Am I wrong?”
“You’re right. If there’s anything I can do, I want to try all of it.”
“Alright. Then I have nothing more to say. I’m only telling you what I know.”
Senior Su-hyeon quietly turned his attention to his phone.
It was Senior Baek-hee, the one who had brought me the coffee, who spoke next.
“If you want something, ask for it. If you need help, reach out your hand. I’ll tell you what you have to do. Saving Na-bi is impossible right now. The only way to save someone who’s fallen into that corner is to pull them up slowly. But if that person is broken down to the bone and can never stand again—what will you do then?”
“If there’s a way I can save her myself… I’ll go down and bring her out myself.”
“That’s a very you answer. And I’m not criticizing you for it.”
With that, she handed the last cup of coffee around the club room and patted Senior Su-hyeon’s shoulder while he drank.
“Su-hyeon.”
“Yes, I understand. Let’s head back. …As I said earlier, there’s nothing I can do to help. You have to give it everything you’ve got. Can you do that? If you can’t—then hold out your hand. If you’re trying to save a person, you need people around you. Without them, it’s hopeless.”
They left after those words.
I still had no idea what I was supposed to do. The other club members stayed dead silent until Na-yeon approached me.
“Nothing happened yesterday, right?”
“I just looked into what kind of effects that drug has.”
Impulse. Suffering. Domination.
That was how the drug could be summarized, apparently.
“The person you’re dealing with isn’t just some woman who’s a little unwell. She was probably forced into impulse, forced through suffering, forced under domination. So talking about what happened is what she’ll fear most of all.”
“I know.”
I looked absently at the photos I’d taken yesterday.
They had come out beautifully, but Na-bi’s condition was nowhere near good.
I still didn’t know how it had come to this, or why.
And now I’d been advised not to try finding out too easily.
So was there really nothing I could do for her at home?
I was certain that when I got back she would be waiting for me in a daze.
Let me organize what I’d just heard.
The drug brought on an overwhelming impulse.
No one could predict what form that impulse would take, only that it made the victim dependent on others.
Suffering.
It made them scratch their own bodies more and more.
They simply couldn’t endure it.
And physical contact made that suffering double.
Domination.
The drug’s effect forced a sense of absolute obedience toward whoever administered it.
There had been multiple reports of the damage that caused, yet Na-bi… had never been dominated by anyone.
But if she ever showed that forced obedience toward me—
What was I supposed to do then?
Carrying that fear with me, I headed home the moment my lectures ended.
Lately I’d been so busy with work, so busy with photo commissions, that I barely came home at all.
I’d just grab something at a convenience store, come back, and rest.
Now the fact that someone was waiting inside felt strangely new.
Truthfully, I’d planned to go to her place first today. If—just if—there were any psychiatric meds left, I was going to make her take them right away.
But fear kept wrapping itself around my body.
Impulse. Suffering. Domination.
If those things had their hooks in Na-bi, what was I supposed to do?
If she said something strange to me, how was I supposed to respond?
That fear froze me for a moment in front of the door.
Entering the passcode had never felt so terrifying.
It was Na-bi waiting on the other side—how could I not press the buttons?
But what if—just what if—
she said something strange?
What was I supposed to say then?
The thought alone was enough to drive me crazy, yet in the end this was my home, and Na-bi was inside it.
So I opened the door.
The apartment was unnervingly quiet when I stepped in.
So quiet that I was afraid something had already happened.
Had I hidden the kitchen knives before I left?
Had I put away everything that could be used to hurt herself?
What if she did something dangerous with them?
Was leaving her alone in my place even the right thing to do? Those thoughts circled as I slowly approached the bedroom.
Na-bi was sitting still on top of the bed.
With a vacant expression she stared out the window, waiting for something like a dog that never moved.
“Na-bi?”
“Ah, Kang-to, you’re back? Sorry—I zoned out so hard I didn’t even notice you come in. …Thanks for last night and this morning.”
She sounded completely normal.
I wanted to sigh in relief, but I absolutely could not.
In front of her, even a sigh might have some effect I couldn’t predict, so I held it back.
“I… I should head home for now. Staying in someone else’s place isn’t polite, right?”
“That’s…”
“Right? So I’ll head back now. The triangle kimbap and sandwich you bought me were delicious. But since it wasn’t my money, I’ll leave what you paid for here.”
Na-bi was smiling.
She was smiling, yet I was terrified of when that expression might change.
More than anything, the fact that she hadn’t brought up last night’s conversation made it even scarier.
I couldn’t understand why I was so afraid of something I’d already done, but fear was fear.
Even that fear, however, seemed to melt away as she looked at me and finally climbed down from the bed.
“I’ll be going, then. Um… I’m sorry for all the trouble I caused last night! I didn’t mean for it to turn out that way. Ahaha…”
“No. You didn’t cause any trouble. And… that—”
Is this right?
Is letting her leave like this the right thing to do, Lee Kang-to?
Is sending Ho Na-bi away like this okay?
Inside that terror, Na-bi slowly slipped on her shoes and started toward the door.
The moment she reached the entryway, I grabbed her wrist.
“Kang-to?”
What had I been about to say when I grabbed her?
What words had I planned to use?
I couldn’t remember.
But I still had to speak.
If I didn’t say something—if I didn’t do something—right here and now, I would definitely regret it.
No matter what happened, I would regret it.
The answer that finally surfaced was—
“Do you still like soft tofu stew, Na-bi?”
It was a stupid answer.
“Soft tofu stew… do I like it?”
“Yeah. Uh…”
If this didn’t work, what was I supposed to say next?
“You know, that promise I made once—that I’d treat you to a meal? You remember, right? So I’ll buy it. There’s a soft tofu place nearby, so… come eat soft tofu stew with me.”
Even I thought the words had come out far too suddenly.
I’d promised her a meal together before she graduated.
What she used to love was soft tofu stew with a gentle, spicy kick, and just a short walk away was a place she would like.
But if she refused me here, I had no idea what to do next.
Her hand trembled for a moment, then closed around mine.
“You never forgot that promise.”
“W-well, yeah. I said I’d treat you, didn’t I? I’m earning money now, so I want to buy it for you. So, Na-bi… let’s go eat. Soft tofu stew.”
For a second she said nothing.
Afraid she would refuse, I tightened my grip—and then she spoke.
“How can the first place two people in their twenties decide to go be a soft tofu stew restaurant? There’s not a single scrap of romance in you!”
She was laughing.
I couldn’t feel any real sense of life in that laughter, and yet—
“Let’s go! You’re treating me—why would I refuse? But it better be a delicious place, okay?”
—it still felt like her voice had returned to something closer to the old Na-bi for the first time in a long while.
Even if it was only an act, why did that voice calm me so much?