To the Butterfly Whose Wings Are Broken
It was only after about two days had passed that I finally told everyone in the club. Naturally, the first to speak was Na-yeon, the club president.
“Na-bi noona wants to come to the club? Tsk, looking at her condition right now, I’m not sure if it’ll be okay. The Youth Literature Club already has more people, and I don’t know if she’ll get used to being here. You’re pushing her too hard…. Do you really think someone who hasn’t met people in so long will find it easy?”
“But…”
“I know what kind of feelings made you say that. But you have to face the facts. You said she hasn’t been outside in ages, right? Then if you factor in the time it takes just to get to the club, plus the time for her to get comfortable, it’s going to take forever.”
“She knows that too. She said she’d figure out a way somehow.”
Na-yeon’s already small eyes narrowed even further.
“Ah, even if I try not to stop you, you two make me want to. Seriously.”
“Hey? What’s with you?”
“Think about it. Na-bi noona hasn’t gone outside for at least two years, right? Maybe less, but still.”
“But…”
“You know what I’m getting at. Is it really right to send her out now? And the club’s just as crowded with people. What do you think will happen if you put Na-bi noona in the club right now? She’ll still avoid people the same way. You’re saying you’ll make her come to the club? Do you think a person’s mask is that solid?”
“I know it’s not.”
“Then why are you doing this?”
“Because she said she wants to. That was all.”
That really was all.
Looking back, I hadn’t considered anything about what would come after for her. It had just been me doing whatever I wanted.
“Figures. I thought you’d at least found some kind of plan. Not that I’m disappointed in you or anything. Just that the method was pretty extreme from the start.”
“Then is there some other way?”
“I don’t know if it’ll help or not, but honestly I don’t even know where to start. She wants to come to the university first…”
“Then changing the location entirely might not be a bad idea.”
“Huh? What do you mean?”
“Anyone can come to our café as long as they pay. Of course, if I’m not there it won’t do much good, but still.”
It was Baek-hee.
Right—Baek-hee had opened a coffee shop, hadn’t she?
“If we can’t all gather, then just the people Na-bi already knows can meet up. Let her get used to things slowly. Once she’s comfortable, she’ll be able to make it all the way to the university.”
“Just the original… Youth Literature Club members?”
“Pretty much. Na-yeon, the Painter, me, Su-hyeon, you, and Jin-hee. That would be perfect.”
Jin-hee. It had been a long time since I’d heard that name.
We used to see each other a lot when we were kids, but I’d heard she was busy with private tutoring these days.
But…
“But… Na-bi noona wasn’t actually a member of the Youth Literature Club, was she?”
“Well, true. But what’s the principle of our Youth Literature Club? We say hello to people we’re meeting for the first time. We say hello to people we haven’t seen in a long time. We say hello to people we’re seeing today. That’s it.”
“Then…”
“It’s neither the first time nor the last time Na-bi noona is joining the Youth Literature Club. The Youth Literature Club is like the Ship of Theseus. The last person left becomes the president, and when that person leaves, someone else becomes president.”
“Why are you suddenly talking about Theseus?”
“I just felt like it. Anyway! Once she joins the Youth Literature Club like this and gets used to people, we go straight to putting in a university enrollment inquiry. Of course it’s tough. Right now the places recruiting are night schools or cyber universities.”
Somehow these guys were more sincere about Noona than I was.
I was supposed to be the one more sincere about her. How had it gotten flipped around?
“Don’t think too hastily. The more hastily you think, the more hastily you’ll treat Na-bi noona. So you absolutely can’t rush either. Got it?”
“I won’t. I know I have to take care of her.”
Then the guy who’d suddenly gone quiet pulled a cider out of the mini-fridge.
“Have a drink.”
“Ah, well, thanks.”
“But be honest with me. There’s no reason anywhere that you have to take care of Na-bi noona, you know? I don’t know what kind of sudden sense of responsibility hit you, but let’s hear it. Where the hell did that sense of responsibility come from, and where did it start?”
“Suddenly not feeling so thankful.”
Where it started… if I had to say, it was from right here.
If I dug a little deeper, it was something inside me.
To be exact, it was something like the stubborn pride from when I was a kid.
Maybe it was a pride I couldn’t even take responsibility for.
That pride kept pushing me, telling me to take responsibility for Na-bi noona.
Maybe that was the me from back then.
Maybe it was the me before I entered the photography department.
Or maybe it was the me who’s been living on his own all this time.
If I become an adult, I’ll buy you everything you said you wanted, Noona.
I’ll make a living without being ashamed of myself! So please, Mom, Dad!
I said I’d work hard enough to support myself. So of course I’m leaving home. It might still not be enough yet. Even so…
I have to.
Maybe it was because I’d always had that thought that I looked at Noona and thought the same thing.
“If you ask where it started, it’s just my sense of responsibility. You know too. Once I get hooked on something, I don’t stop.”
The time I said I’d repay Noona’s kindness someday.
The time I said I’d become a photographer my parents wouldn’t be ashamed of.
The time I said I’d live on my own without being ashamed—it was all because of that.
“So this time, I got hooked on Noona. Is that bad?”
To be exact, it wasn’t that I’d gotten hooked on Noona.
It was also because I felt responsible for her.
And also…
There had been something else.
“No? You chose it yourself. And besides…. Never mind, you won’t remember anyway, so leave it. Isn’t it about time? You said Noona’s waiting at home, so hurry up and go. Your classes are over and you already submitted your photos. Time to head home.”
“Ah, is it? Is it okay for me to just leave alone after calling everyone here?”
“Our club is always welcoming and always used to goodbyes. Hurry up and go take care of your noona.”
“Yeah. Then…”
At those words, I ran home.
I kept telling myself nothing would happen to Noona, so why did I keep thinking something would?
Anyone watching would think I was her guardian.
Well, that was true, wasn’t it?
I was the one protecting her.
The first thing I checked the moment I got home was Noona’s condition.
I’d been worried because she hadn’t taken her medicine yesterday, but she was sleeping without a word.
Relieved, I sat down beside her.
“You’re back?”
“N-Noona, you’re awake? Since when?”
“Just now. I woke up to the sound of you punching in the password. Weird, right? The sound’s clearly different from our house, but I still wake up.”
“That’s not weird. Did you sleep well?”
“Yeah. I can’t dream, but I seem to sleep well when you’re next to me.”
Noona looked at me like she wanted something.
“Ah, you’re really slow on the uptake. Do I have to spoon-feed you before you get it?”
“Ah.”
My hand touched Noona’s face.
“I’ve even put the spoon in your hand, so can I place an order? Stroke my face and my hair. Stroke it until my hair’s a mess.”
“Will you be okay?”
“I’m okay. Because it’s your hand stroking me.”
So I stroked Noona’s face.
What I felt on her cheek wasn’t the soft, doughy sensation of healthy skin.
It was something dried out, but still soft.
“It feels good when you touch me.”
“N-Noona, are you a cat?”
“Yeah. I’m a cat. And my name’s even Ho Na-bi. Call me ‘Na-bi~’ just for now. I’ll allow it.”
“Ah, okay. …Na-bi?”
“Meow.”
Something like an electric current ran through my head at that sound.
The thought that I’d be happy just stroking Noona like this came first, so I kept stroking her.
Even though her red hair started sticking to my hand, it didn’t matter.
When do you ever care about the fur that sticks to you when you pet a cat?
No one does.
Right now, to me, Noona was just like my precious cat.
She’d even made a meowing sound.
So that was that.
“Mmm. It feels good when Kang-to strokes me. How about one more time, even now? I’m suddenly feeling really good…”
“No. You clearly went to sleep without even eating breakfast. Tonight you have to take your medicine and sleep.”
“…You’re so mean. Noona’s acting like a cat for you and you just shoot it down.”
“You need to sleep early too. …I made plans to meet the club kids at the café tomorrow.”
“Yeah… so it ended up like that after all. How many people?”
“Six including me. Is that okay?”
Noona looked at me and smiled.
She smiled only with her eyes.
“I said I’d go, so it doesn’t matter. If I start having a seizure, I’ll just cling to you. That’s okay, right?”
“Of course.”
“Then I’ll only trust you.”
I stroked Noona’s head.
Even as red strands of hair stuck to my hand, I couldn’t stop stroking her.
Tomorrow was the problem, but I decided to think of tomorrow as tomorrow.
No matter what happened to Noona from now on, I would protect her.
I decided not to think about anything else.
Even if something happened, I would protect her.
So don’t worry, Noona. Just rest your eyes a little beside me.
No matter what happens, I’ll protect you at least.
Don’t worry.
“I heard Kang-to has a girlfriend now.”
The woman who heard those words quietly ground her teeth.
“Is that something they’re saying on purpose for me to hear? Or do they know what kind of feelings I used to have for Kang-to and they’re saying it anyway? And if the person is Na-bi noona of all people.”
I can’t lose.
I got dumped, and if my rival Na-bi unnie takes that place instead—
I can’t forgive that.
So the one who should be by Kang-to’s side is me.
Sorry to Na-bi unnie, but.
“I can’t lose, can I?”
She didn’t know why she was still so stupid and stubborn, still trying to cling like this.
To Kang-to, who might already have given his heart to Na-bi noona.
Why did it keep going that way?
“Fine. I’ll come too. I’m going to confess to Kang-to again. Even if I get rejected, this time I’ll know the reason when it happens.”
Because I want to know.