The Stalker's Gaze
Saturday, the day of the pre-recording. It still feels like I’m living in a dream. Even though a few days have passed since that incident, I’m still completely dazed. I’d be able to believe it if something even remotely plausible had happened, but even when I try to think about it calmly and rationally, it was more like a story from a novel than reality. It’s hard to accept it as true.
“Why, seriously…?” I mutter to myself, staring blankly at my phone. It’s a video of Su-a’s performance from last week’s music show. The way she moves her waist so seductively. Her smile, bright enough to dazzle. The adorable wink she tosses out during the highlight. Just watching her through a screen makes my heart flutter, my facial muscles go slack, and my lips curl into a smile all on their own.
My favorite idol is my stalker? If I were a light novel author, I feel like I could really make good use of this premise. The fact that I’m being stalked is, in itself, extremely unpleasant. It’s an invasion of privacy, after all. Thinking about someone following me around and secretly taking photos of me makes my skin crawl; it’s even a little terrifying. But the fact that it’s the idol I love most in the world makes my feelings incredibly complicated. I like it, and I hate it. To be honest, the part of me that likes it is bigger. Still, stalking is a crime, and yet...
But it’s Su-a who’s stalking me. How many fans in this world have been stalked by their own favorite idol? No, wait—before I even try to count, does such a thing even happen? The opposite—fans being sasaengs—happens all the time, but this?
I briefly wondered if I had mistaken her for someone else. But that’s impossible. How could I ever mistake Su-a’s face? As a self-proclaimed number one fan of Su-a, I look at her face on my phone every single day, and I watch her fancams whenever I’m bored. I’ve been doing that for nearly four years now.
“Then it really is… Ughhh!” I ruffle my hair frantically. My brain has been holding a heated debate over this issue for days, and now my head is starting to throb. It’s not like I can ask her directly. Even if I sent Su-a a DM, I wouldn’t get a reply. And even if I did, would she ever honestly admit to being a stalker? I feel like I want to get advice from someone. But unfortunately, I don’t have a friend I can honestly and plainly pour my heart out to. I mean, I have friends from high school, but they don’t understand my idol obsession; if I asked them for advice on something like this, they’d just laugh at me and tell me to get a grip on reality.
“Ah… wait!” There was one person. The only person I could talk to about this kind of thing honestly.
I immediately contacted that person.
Saturday, 10:00 PM. It’s not that late. The DM notification chimed immediately.
As expected, they weren’t asleep. Juyoonie. The one and only peer who understands me best when it comes to idol fandom. Since we usually talk late at night or early in the morning, I was certain they’d be awake.
Silence——————
No reply. The "read" receipt disappeared, but the silence dragged on. Usually, they’d reply the moment the read receipt vanished, and even at the latest, it never took more than five minutes.
The reply arrived 20 minutes later. They must have had something urgent to do.
Silence——————
Again, the read receipt disappeared, but there was no reply. I stared at my phone screen, blinking, waiting desperately for an answer.
I can imagine Juyoonie snorting at my question. An idol stalking their own fan? What a delusion-filled thought that is.
Fair point. That’s the normal reaction. If I were the one being asked, I would have reacted the same way as Juyoonie.
Even if it’s Juyoonie, I can’t tell them everything honestly. Su-a stalked me! If I said that, they’d treat me like a psychopath. Like a malicious fan who is pathologically obsessed with an idol.
Juyoonie goes quiet, as if thinking seriously. A moment later, they reply.
That’s an unexpected reaction.
Does it work like that?
Right. There are many reasons for stalking. It doesn’t always happen just because of romantic feelings.
A long text. This is the first time Juyoonie has written such a long reply. Hmm… it makes sense. During promotional periods, idols are insanely busy. They’re known to sleep only 2 to 3 hours a day. That’s why you often see idols looking sleepy when they get out of their cars. Even with fans watching, they’re human, so it’s hard to fight the exhaustion. I’ve seen it plenty, so I know those hardships well. Then, does that mean Su-a stalked me because she likes me? Why? That’s the first thought that comes to mind. What could Su-a possibly be lacking that she’d like someone like me? She’s surrounded by handsome, wealthy celebrities. …Anyway.
I felt something strange after reading Juyoonie’s reply. I scrolled up to check the conversation. It wasn’t there.
Juyoonie, who had been replying as if giving a passionate speech, suddenly stopped. Juyoonie’s reply was quite specific. And it was very similar to my situation.
The long-winded explanation looks like an excuse, but Juyoonie is right. Generally, a stalker would choose the time they get off work, as it’s the time they can clearly capture their target and hide themselves well.
They turned the question back on me. If it were me… I thought about it seriously. Regardless of whether that stalker was Su-a or not, I imagined Su-a liking me enough to stalk me. The answer came simply.
An otaku receiving special treatment from their favorite idol. Isn’t that what you call a "successful fan"?
The answer to this was also simple. I am a fan. Su-a is an idol. We are necessary to each other, but we can never be equals. We live in different worlds. Even if we were to become equals, that path leads to ruin. Would other fans just sit by and watch an idol date a fan? Just imagining Su-a dating another man makes me feel like I’m going to turn dark. So, my answer is this:
***
Sunday. I woke up early in the morning and headed to the broadcasting station. Today is La Stella’s final broadcast. Once this second single promotional period ends, they’ll go on a 3 to 4-month hiatus. Today is the last day I can officially see their stage during this period. I debated whether to come today because of that incident, but before I knew it, I was in front of the station. No matter what, I can’t miss the final broadcast.
“Haaaaaah…” I yawned until my jaw felt like it would split. Music show attendance is just as tiring for fans as it is for idols. Especially with pre-recordings, it’s even tougher. La Stella’s final broadcast was a pre-recording. So, lining up early in the morning was inevitable. The good thing was that it wasn’t the middle of winter with biting winds, but spring, so waiting outside wasn’t too hard. Still, waiting blankly in one spot is so boring. It’s a relief if you get in on time, but it’s common for recordings to be delayed, making us enter two or three hours late. No matter how quickly our idols finish rehearsals, if the previous acts are delayed, our idols’ turn gets delayed too. In the end, today, I was only able to enter after waiting for over two hours past the scheduled time.
I waited for nearly four hours to watch a stage that lasts less than 30 minutes. Still, it’s never a waste. Today, I was lucky enough to be assigned a good spot. It’s a seat right in front of the stage where I can watch it live up close.
A moment later, La Stella went on stage. The fans cheered and waved their hands. Responding to that, the La Stella members smiled lightly and waved back. The final pre-recording began. Today’s outfits were quite bold. For this concept, they had always worn shirts and suits with a charismatic look, but today, they wore wide denim pants and tank tops that revealed their midriffs and abs. On top of that basic look, each member added their own special styling. Su-a wore an oversized blazer that looked like it belonged to a man. Seeing her small frame draped in big clothes looked incredibly cute. I waved my lightstick enthusiastically and followed Su-a’s movements with my eyes. While dancing in the center and turning around, Su-a’s eyes turned toward me. Our gazes locked directly. And then.
I saw her pretty smile distort.