A Mother's Counsel
Breakfast that morning was a full five-dish spread.
Not only soup, but at least one vegetable side and one meat dish without fail, several kinds of kimchi, and even an egg dish all laid out so generously that even at the crack of dawn I had no trouble filling my spoon with rice.
"Is it good?"
"Nice and mild. Really hits the spot."
For a Korean it was oddly bland cooking, tailored to my taste, yet Mom handled it with practiced ease, as if it were nothing at all. She somehow always managed to scrounge up cheap ingredients, simmer stock, and still turn out pork stir-fries and other meat dishes. Her thrift and skill in the kitchen were anything but ordinary.
Even here, though, there was one more sad family story.
Whenever that father of ours managed to crawl home, Mom used to light up with joy. She never ran around openly, but her steps and hands in the kitchen would grow frantic as she brought out every dish she could and urged him to try them while they were hot.
Faced with the feast, Dad would sneer,
"What the hell is this, woman?! The head of the house works his ass off bringing money home and you sit there cooking food no one can even finish? Hey, you bitch, is your husband's wallet just a hobby fund for you? Beef and pork and God knows what else… Jesus, how much meat did you buy? While your husband's out breaking his back, you're living the high life, huh? Cooking up fancy meals for yourself? Hah? Fuck this shit! Useless bitch."
He would fling his chopsticks down and storm out the door.
"And seaweed soup of all things—just my luck."
Even on his way out he had to pick a fight with the soup.
I remember that day so clearly because it was my birthday. I had thought, for once, that maybe he had come home to celebrate his son's birthday. Instead he had sneered at the special meal Mom had prepared for her child.
So the next time he showed up she put out only a modest three-dish table.
Crash!
"You dog-faced bitch! The man of the house finally comes home after grinding himself to dust and this is the table you set for him?!"
What the fuck was he even asking for, that bastard?!
He flipped the whole table for no reason and then beat Mom for it!
After he tore through the house and left again, Mom held Hui-gyeong and me and sobbed until she was hoarse.
…That day happened to be her birthday.
Yeah. That was what my childhood looked like.
Growing up watching that, plus everything that came after, was exactly why Hui-gyeong got hooked on tough guys and ran around, and why I got hooked on money and did the same.
"Here."
Once I started making a little cash from part-time work, I began covering various household expenses and helping Mom out.
"What's this~?"
The first time I took a job in the underworld I got lucky and the pay was solid. With that money I celebrated Mom's birthday for the first time in my life.
"A cake?"
"Happy birthday, Mom."
She was so moved she swallowed hard, fighting not to cry.
"Hey, Jo Gyeong-hun, what's that stuffed animal for?"
Hui-gyeong pointed at the giant teddy bear.
"Mom's present."
"That's Mom's present…?"
It was pretty huge, honestly. Half as tall as Hui-gyeong.
"Why the hell would Mom want a teddy bear, you idiot!"
"Hey! I heard teddy bears are hot gifts for women these days!"
I had even bought it on the clerk's recommendation!
"Since when is Mom a woman!"
"Of course Mom is a woman!"
Even through our childish sibling squabble, Mom kept staring at the bear as if she would burn a hole through it.
"Mom's a woman too…."
She softly echoed my words as if realizing it for the first time.
I had chosen the gift on purpose. After years of being beaten down by Dad and living only as a mother once she had us, she had never been treated like a woman who deserved to be spoiled. It was a little boy's clumsy way of making it up to her.
"I love it~. It hits the spot for Mom and for the woman in me!"
"Ugh?! Did Mom go blind?"
Even Hui-gyeong's rude mouth couldn't wipe the smile off Mom's face.
"Thank you, my Gyeong-hun."
She came into my arms. I felt her body trembling a little, so I held her back and stroked her gently.
In that moment I think I treated her not as my mother but as a woman. When I wrapped my arms firmly around her shoulders and waist the way a man should, she pressed herself closer and whispered,
"…There's only you, Gyeong-hun."
I believe that was when her reliance on me grew stronger. It wasn't just changing light bulbs or fixing drawers or hammering nails. Whenever something upset her she would come to me to talk it out, looking for empathy, or she would ask what I wanted for breakfast and dinner—behaviors that almost made me wonder if she saw me as a man.
Even now it was the same.
"So~ what's this worry of yours about?"
Her voice, laced with quiet expectation, pulled me back to the present. The meal was almost gone and Mom was propping one cheek on her hand, watching me eat.
"Huh?"
"Don't 'huh' me. You promised to tell me about your love troubles."
"Ah~. My friend's story…?"
"Mmm~. Fine, we'll call it a friend's story~."
Once again Mom scooped right into my chest with that soft warmth of hers. It was never easy.
With her staring so openly I couldn't very well keep silent.
"So this friend of mine says there's a girl he can't stop thinking about…."
"Mm-hmm!"
Her eyes sparkled as she leaned closer. She looked cute, but the deeper valley of her cleavage resting on the table was far more distracting. I swallowed without meaning to and chose my next words carefully.
"Seems like the girl likes him back, but she won't really treat him properly."
"Won't treat him properly?"
"Yeah."
"Just saying that doesn't tell me much~."
"Uh… so, um…."
"Is she stringing him along?"
When I stumbled, Mom cut straight in. The edge in her voice when she said "stringing him along" felt strangely unfamiliar.
"Even stringing him along is too vague… She never says she hates him and she even acts like she likes him a little, but…."
Trying to explain it properly only landed me in a dilemma: to give Mom the full picture I would have to describe the sticky skinship I'd had with a girl right in front of her.
Was that really okay?
I genuinely wanted advice, but was I supposed to tell Mom that the girl let him suck on her breasts, jacked him off, kissed him, yet still refused to define the relationship and wouldn't even let him look or touch freely?
While I hemmed and hawed, Mom puffed out her cheeks.
"Hmph~! You're so frustrating, Gyeong-hun!"
"It's just… this whole dating thing is hard to explain…."
"Did you have sex?"
In the end Mom opened the floodgates herself. And for someone who had opened them, the light in her eyes was pretty scary. She was clearly intent on keeping a tight rein on her son's love life (even if we were calling it a friend's).
"No."
"How far did you go~?"
"…Kissing and touching her chest, that kind of thing?"
"And besides that?"
"Huh?"
"And besides that~?"
There was a lilting rhythm to Mom's tone that gave it a strange resonance, the kind that made a person wonder whether it was okay to say the next part.
Snake-like bitch.
Dad's old abuse of her suddenly flashed through my mind. It had been a terrible thing to say, but I could almost understand why he had spat those words.
"And besides that~?"
"I mean, I already told you enough."
"I need to hear it properly if I'm going to give proper advice~."
"Uh, well…."
"It's fine. Mom's an adult. And you're an adult too, Gyeong-hun."
"I… I guess?"
Mom's eyes curved into a sly little smile. It looked exactly like Hui-gyeong's.
Thump.
That smile somehow gave me the weird sense of relief that it was okay to talk.
"She even made the guy do male Siofuki, but she only lets him touch her breasts and kiss her. That's the line."
"Siofuki?"
Ah. Of course a woman Mom's age wouldn't know the word. While I was still trying to figure out how to explain it, Mom quickly pulled out her smartphone and searched right in front of me.
"Waaah~."
Her eyes went wide the way a young girl might look the first time she held a vibrator or a dildo. Our mom sure knew her way around the internet….
"That's amazing. So guys can do it too."
"Huh?"
"Ah, nothing nothing~. Just talking to myself~."
I was pretty sure I had just heard a massive slip of the tongue.
"One question~."
"What?"
"Is that girl only keeping the final line with this one guy?"
"Yeah, that's what he said."
"Has the girl been hurt a lot by her exes?"
"How did you know?!"
Mom brushed her hair back and gave a soft little "hmph" of a laugh. She was trying to look seductive, but it only made her look like a mischievous kid.
"When you've got as much experience as Mom, you can tell right away!"
"…?"
"Whaat~?"
"Mom, do you have a lot of dating experience?"
I had already said something as heavy as Siofuki myself, yet the moment Mom hinted that she had been around, something cold settled in my chest. She frantically waved both hands in denial.
"No no, absolutely not~! I just meant life experience!"
"Really?"
"Yes! Mom had nothing before or after your father. I just watched a lot of dramas."
"Well, then for Mom to be giving love advice…."
"I have lots of life experience. Life. Experience! Come on, Gyeong-hun, be a man and just let little things like that slide~."
She puffed her cheeks out again in protest. She had been so cute this whole time that a smile rose to my own lips and I felt wrapped in that familiar warmth.
Whether she was verbally thrashing someone or throwing a tantrum, our mom always came with that soft coziness as a default option.
"So basically the girl got hurt so much by other guys that even though she seems to like your friend, there's still a wall she puts up with him?"
"Yeah. I don't get why she's only doing that with him now."
I felt genuinely sorry toward Hui-gyeong for thinking it, but she had been so light and easy with every guy before me. Why was she suddenly so strict only with me? Of course I had heard her reasons yesterday—because she was taking me seriously, more seriously than anyone, and because she was carefully weighing what it meant to treat her own older brother as a romantic partner. I understood, yet it still felt painfully slow and frustrating.
"If I had to pick, it's one of two things."
"Two?"
"One is that the guy just doesn't measure up!"
"Ugh."
Worst case. Hui-gyeong's type had always been rock-solid tough guys, and I had never managed to become one. Part of me already suspected that was the reason.
"The other is that the girl is trying to change from now on."
"Change?"
"Her dating values are shifting from simply handsome tough guys to a man who will treasure her~."
"Come on, people don't just change like that."
"They do~. Look at Mom."
"What about you?"
"After I met that man, Mom also changed. From looks to a solid man she could lean on, a man who would treat a woman with care."
"……."
For the first time the warmth was gone. This was the heavy subject that ran through our entire family. It was the first time I had ever heard it stated so directly—what Mom actually thought about this marriage, what she thought of Dad. It was the first time I had heard her true feelings.
I really do need to talk with Mom more.
"Is the girl's past pretty wild?"
"Very wild."
"Does she have a good body?"
"Body's good too."
"Bad question. Is her body the only good thing about her~?"
"I like the girl herself."
"Oh my, oh my~."
Mom clapped her hands in satisfaction.
"That's love~."
"I… is it?"
"If you've decided to love her, then you cover the past and treat her with care."
"Covering the past isn't exactly easy. On top of everything the guy feels like he's being put through all kinds of tests, and even though he messed up pretty badly himself, his pride as a man took a huge hit."
"It can't be helped. She's still in the middle of trying to change. And the two of them aren't even dating yet, right? It's just matching their codes before they get together."
"These days they call that being in the talking stage. Or 'something'."
"Mm-hmm! They're in something."
Delighted at learning yet another new term, Mom happily swung her feet under the table. They bumped into my legs, but as long as she was happy I didn't mind.
"There's no clear answer. All you can do is treat her with care."
"Even when the girl does whatever she wants? Even when the guy got hurt because of it?"
"Ah, the wound to the man's pride?"
"Yeah."
"Your friend must have been really hurting, huh?"
"Really."
"Just think that the girl has way more of those wounds. And she probably does."
The unexpected answer sent big ripples through both my reason and my emotions. Hui-gyeong had always been sincere, yet she had been discarded simply for being too easy. The humiliation and sting I had felt yesterday must have been twice as strong for her. That much was certain.
"People can change, but they don't change easily either."
"True."
"And you already decided to love that girl. So keep going until your heart is exhausted, not just your head. I'm not saying give in to everything she wants. Do things for her sake. Once even your heart is worn out, it means you've used up all the love you had for her and there's nothing left, so you'll be able to walk away without looking back. You know what I mean?"
So this was adult advice.
What I wanted was for things to work out with Hui-gyeong. That wasn't something I could force by myself. Yet instead of handing me a neat solution for how to date the girl I liked, Mom affirmed the feelings I already had and pointed me in the direction I needed to run. It wasn't crystal-clear, but it was clean.
I asked the last thing I was curious about.
"The friend is already starting to get hurt little by little. Even knowing that, does he still have to keep adjusting to the girl?"
"The girl only has a lot of physical experience; she has no emotional experience. You have to keep that in mind too."
"I see."
"But."
Mom's smile grew deeper as she stressed the word.
"In the end dating is something a man and a woman do together, right? If someone gets hurt, you apologize and hold them. Just like you did for her, she has to do the same for you. Love is give and take~."
Yeah. She had finally caught that it was me. At the very end Mom stopped saying "your friend" and started saying "you."
Still, at least she didn't know the girl was Hui-gyeong.
"Mom really is an adult."
"Of course~!"
Pleased by the praise, Mom thrust her chest out proudly and nodded. The nod made her breasts sway heavily. Even though they were family, my eyes went there on their own and I felt a faint thrill of wrongness.
"All done? I'll clear the table~."
"Yeah."
I was just about to leave the kitchen with a much lighter heart when—
Bzzzzzt!
My phone buzzed. Wondering who would call this early, I checked the screen.
Taesik hyung.
…Yeah. It was coming. That cold sensation—it had been a long time.
"Oppa, you're up early."
"Yeah."
"Going somewhere again?"
"Yeah, heading out right away."
"Coming home late today?"
"……."
"Why aren't you answering?"
"I got a pretty sweet side job. Looks like I'll have to stay there a few days until the work's done."
"When are you coming back?"
"Not sure. Depends on when the job wraps up."
"Can't you just not go?"
"Gotta make money while there's work."
"You're already tutoring."
"I still have to buy you a new phone."
"You said next month's pay would cover that."
"Well yeah, but…."
"After what we did yesterday you're just going to take off? Oppa, aren't you being too much?"
Unlike Mom, she dug into me with sharp precision. The temporary ease I had felt was crushed under weight again, and the stitches that had barely held the wound closed tore right back open.
"I have to bring home living expenses. Who knows what might happen later."
"What are you talking about? Dad gives us living expenses!"
"He doesn't."
"What?"
So I answered her curtly, almost showing off.
Do you even know I've been sacrificing for you?
"I cut off Dad's living expenses the day I got out of the army."
"What do you mean…!"
"I'm going to make money."
Without looking at Hui-gyeong's face I packed my things and stood up.
"Come back safe, Oppa. As early as you can."
"Yeah."
"Hey, I'm saying goodbye and you won't even look at my face?"
"……."
"You're the one who messed up."
I know, I know…!
I was just sorry for everything. Yesterday, and the fact that I was being called out by Taesik hyung again—it all weighed on me.
"I'm going."
Just as I was about to leave the room, Hui-gyeong's venomous snarl hit my back.
"Petty bastard. For a guy your heart's ridiculously small."
Calling someone "petty" when they were heading out to earn money felt more than a little harsh. But the reason I wouldn't look at her wasn't because I didn't want to see her face. It was because I didn't want her to see the face I wore when I went to do that kind of work.
There was no way I could show her a face this scary.