Phase 2: Hui-gyeong (1)
Cradled in her brother's arms, Hui-gyeong could only cry.
This wasn't what she had meant to happen.
Today was the day she had prepared herself for. For two whole weeks Gyeong-hun had done exactly as she wanted—no over-the-line touching, no masturbation. She never let it show, yet her heart had already tilted hard toward him. She could barely fall asleep anymore without his arm for a pillow. No other man held any interest for her now. Because Oppa was different from every other man. Because he treated her like she mattered. Because even when she acted selfish and stubborn he still accepted her and went along with it. Because even when he went too far he always came back, apologized, and took her back in. For a girl who had only ever known one-sided, clingy relationships that gave her nothing in return, this thing with Oppa felt so new it was almost intoxicating. She had fallen for it completely.
But it was the first time she had ever tried a relationship like this, so she handled it clumsily, like a child. The result was that Gyeong-hun, pushed past every limit, finally snapped—and both of them got hurt.
Whose fault was it?
Hui-gyeong decided it was Gyeong-hun's. His arrogant assumption that one handjob would settle everything. In truth she had fully intended to wash her hands and come right back for the real thing. If that hadn't been the plan, she never would have taken her brother's enormous cock into her mouth in the first place. That was why the disappointment cut so deep. The way he couldn't even hold out for those few short minutes and just jumped her—it looked exactly like every other man she had ever known.
I'm sorry, please don't hit me!
You used to do whatever I told you—what's with the attitude lately? Getting full of yourself?
She never understood why men always started treating her like she was nothing the longer things went on. She had given everything. She had devoted herself just so someone would love her. But the men never even said the words; they only tried to control her with force. How it always ended up that way, she still couldn't say.
When he took her from behind in the bathroom, the rough, hot breath of a male animal against her back and the crude strength of his hands dragged every memory of being used and discarded right back to the surface. He had slammed straight into her defense mechanisms, and the result was the cruel words that followed. Somewhere deep down she knew those words might have wounded him, but her honest feeling was that he had earned it—let him take it as karma.
Thoughts chased thoughts until her heart was a knot of contradictions. She hated him for the disappointment, yet at the same time she desperately hoped he wouldn't give up on her. She had no one to tell her what to do with that feeling, no one to show her the way forward. Holding onto that desperate need, Hui-gyeong buried her face deeper into her brother's chest.
I woke early. Exhausted as I was, my mind refused to sink back under. The phone said it was around six in the morning. Not even a tutoring day, yet here I was up at the crack of dawn and suffering for it.
You feel wronged? You think this is unfair? Hey, life is pain—didn't you know?
A line from some movie I watched ages ago floated up for no reason. Fuck, why that of all things. Because my heart was hurting like hell, that was why.
Even now Hui-gyeong slept with her head on my arm, tear tracks still dried on her face. Looking at them made my chest ache all over again. It ached—and yet in one corner of my own heart sat a bitter resentment no one would ever understand.
I was sorry. God, I was so fucking sorry.
Just cherish me a little more. I'm the girl you like, right? Treat me like I'm precious.
I had never once looked at Hui-gyeong as nothing but a slut whose body I wanted to use. What made my heart race was that coy, mischievous little smile she aimed only at me. Like I told her last time, the fact that a girl this pretty, a girl who could have anyone, still sought me out and wanted me—that was what got me so worked up. The carnal urge that followed made me do something unforgivable.
I never knew the feeling of being desired by a woman could drive a man this insane.
No. Stop making excuses.
Had the reasons I started liking her—and then liking her more—ever been pure to begin with? Wanting my little sister's body had been a huge part of it. She went along with the dirty talk, she let me do dirty things, so I figured if I kept pushing she would pretend to resist and then give in, and that was how we would cross the line and become man and woman.
What woman in the world would choose a man who treats her like an easy whore? She wants a man who treasures her—even if that man is her own blood brother!
Hui-gyeong wasn't a slut. She was a foolish girl carrying too many scars. I was just the lucky bastard who stumbled into those cracks without even realizing it. The only reason I had gotten this far was because I was her real older brother and we could spend endless time together.
Had I truly, from the bottom of my heart, been treating Hui-gyeong as something precious?
I couldn't stand straight in front of that question. How many times had I called her a slut right to her face? And still she told me with her own mouth that she wanted things to work between us. Yesterday she could have cut me off completely, yet she gave me one more chance.
I know. I'm grateful. I really am.
So why, even after thinking all of this, does yesterday's wound still gape open like a raw red mouth, pouring pain straight into me?
What a pathetic excuse for an older brother.
I shook my head. When the mind gets this tangled, emptying it out is the only cure. Careful not to wake her, I eased myself free, slipped a pillow under her head in place of my arm, pulled the blanket up, and kissed her forehead.
"Mmm…"
Hui-gyeong nuzzled into the new pillow and settled back into soft, even breathing. I stroked her hair for a moment, then left the room.
"Oh my."
The cold morning air hit me at the same time Mom stepped out of the kitchen and nearly walked straight into me.
"Gyeong-hun, you're up early."
"You're up even earlier, Mom."
"Well, Mom has to get breakfast ready, doesn't she~."
Just the way she spoke overflowed with maternal warmth. But that version of her only appeared when it was just me and Hui-gyeong. The second Dad was around, Mom went quiet, watched from the sidelines, or simply glued herself to my side. He had hit her himself more than once, and she got screamed at for the smallest things, so fear froze her solid. After that last incident her condition got so bad she started acting that way even toward me; I worked like hell to pull her back. Whenever I had a little money I took her out for something tasty, I always praised the meals she cooked, I did every little thing I could think of. It worked—though the side effects of that recovery sometimes felt just as big as the original damage.
And lately I had been so wrapped up in Hui-gyeong that I hadn't thought about Mom at all. Hell, I had only been dodging her so I could do filthy things with Hui-gyeong. Another thing I needed to repent for.
"Hmm~?"
"…What?"
"Gotcha!"
Mom studied my face for a second, then suddenly yanked me into her arms. Soft breasts swallowed my face; I flailed in panic.
"W-what are you doing?!"
"Because your face is just covered in worries, that's why. Mom's hug is taking some of the weight off the head of the household~."
"Okay, I get it—let go."
"No. I can't even remember the last time I got to hold you like this."
I finally managed to lift my head. Right in front of me Mom was smiling that bright little smile. For a split second I almost mistook her for Hui-gyeong—the original mold, after all. Then again, that brat would never wear a smile this gentle and loving.
"Oh, there it goes dark again."
"No, don't worry about it."
"Our Gyeong-hun works so hard feeding this whole family by himself. Mom has to do something to help."
"It's nothing, really…"
I brushed it off without thinking, then the words suddenly hit me.
"I'm feeding the family by myself?"
"Well, yes, aren't you?"
"But Dad still sends living expenses."
At that, Hui-gyeong—no, Mom—kept smiling, yet her eyes turned ice-cold.
"I already knew that man cut us off a long time ago."
"Uh…"
How? I had always believed she couldn't do anything, couldn't know anything. Was it a mother's instinct? A woman's sixth sense? I couldn't find a single loose thread. All this time I had been lying that the tutoring money I earned was the living expenses Dad transferred. I was sure there had been nothing she could pick at.
"I'm sorry. Once I realized he'd stopped sending money I tried to find work myself, but…"
In the end Mom let out the exact same heavy sigh Dad and I used to share.
"It just had to be right when Hui-gyeong was tearing through the whole neighborhood. Finding restaurant work anywhere near here became impossible…"
…I was reminded all over again just how thoroughly Hui-gyeong had ruled this place. And at the same time I understood we could never stay in this neighborhood forever. The gossip about Dad and Hui-gyeong would always resurface the moment people got bored. Whether things worked out with Hui-gyeong or not, this place was nothing but a swamp of painful, hard years. When the time came, we would move.
I only lived cheap on purpose. For all that I looked like this, Jo Gyeong-hun was sitting on fifty billion won. On Gyeong-jun's advice I had been long-term investing in stocks and raking in decent dividends. The only reason I kept quiet and waited for the perfect chance to sever every tie was that the moment that bastard Dad found out we had money he would latch on like a leech and never let go.
"Don't worry about money."
I stepped free of her arms and stood up straight. Now I was the one looking down. Separate from those full breasts, her small, fragile shoulders caught my eye.
"Still…"
Along with her worry I pulled those shoulders into a hug. This time Mom came into my arms. I patted her back so she wouldn't feel anxious and put real force into my voice.
"I'm the head of this household. If the head of the household says don't worry, then there's nothing to worry about. Got it?"
"Mm. We have to listen to our head of household."
Mom wrapped her arms around my waist and pressed even closer against my chest. Looking up at me with that smile, she somehow looked both mid-twenties and richly mature at the same time.
"When did Gyeong-hun get so big? Comforting your own mother now. I end up leaning on you without even noticing. What a foolish old woman I've become."
"What do you mean old? Look how springy your skin still is."
"There's nothing you won't say to your mother~."
Even while she scolded me she pressed her chest tighter against me with no sign of dislike. The way she was hanging on just now was a little dangerous. Was she starting to see me as a man the way she sometimes did? Skinship that could easily be misread. But after the brutal scolding Hui-gyeong had given me, intention didn't matter—just this soft, loving hug was already a huge comfort to my mind.
That was Mom's real charm. Whenever Dad was around or some crisis outside of housework hit, she froze and became completely passive. Outside of that, though, she was overflowing with maternal warmth, an adult woman who accepted everything with quiet maturity. According to Grandma long ago, back in her school days Mom had been ridiculously cheerful and full of energy, running all over the place.
If she hadn't been running around she never would've gotten caught under that overpass by that good-for-nothing and ruined her whole life. I told her to stay home quiet, didn't I?
Forced into marriage in an era of iron-hard patriarchy, Mom spent the years after that serving a husband she never wanted and grew smaller and smaller. Grandma fretted over her right up until the day she died.
That way of just letting herself get passed around—Hui-gyeong takes after her mother exactly.
The final will Grandma left, spoken only to me right before the end:
This old woman, and your mother too—we never even looked at decent men. We just ran around loose and got ruined by dog-shit bastards and lived this hard life until we died. Gyeong-hun, you make damn sure your little sister Hui-gyeong never ends up the same. You're her older brother, aren't you?
Grandma's will kept going.
Fuck it all. I never should've followed your grandfather just because of his face and gone to that mill with him. That Chil-deok kid next door was ugly as sin, but inside he was solid and decent—ended up making his wife and daughters get called madam their whole lives. I should've gone and married him the second he asked… I twisted my own fate with my own hands. Fuck… fuck!!!
No, no, Gyeong-hun, you've gone too far. The fact that Grandma's last words even came up means your brain is already spinning out. Stop the runaway train.
Anyway—if Mom had never met a bastard like Dad, she would have been so much brighter, warm as sunlight itself. Feeling suddenly sorry, I hugged her tighter. She chuckled softly and stroked my cheek.
"When did you get this big?"
"I'm already twenty-six."
"A full-grown man now, hee-hee."
"Obviously."
"At this point you're a far better man than your father ever was."
"Honestly, Dad can't even compare to me anymore."
"Hmm?"
Shit. Even in front of Mom I shouldn't talk down about Dad. Her eyes turned strangely unreadable—half troubled, half faintly pleased—the same unpredictable smile Hui-gyeong sometimes wore.