First Love Tastes Like Lemon

Some people compare first love to a lemon.

Just as biting into a lemon — yellow and fresh-looking — brings tears to your eyes from the sheer sourness, first love sounds beautiful when you hear about it, feels like nothing but a flutter of the heart. But the truth is, it puts you through more heartache than you'd expect, and there's no guarantee it ends well.

Maybe that's why people call first love a lemon.

When I asked Bian to meet, I honestly hadn't thought as far as a location. She'd come all the way to the mala tang place last time, so her house was probably somewhere around this area… but where would be the most appropriate place to meet?

While I was still fretting over it, Bian suggested a spot first.

"Let me see… the municipal library is… right here."

A fifteen-minute taxi ride ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠from our university. We agreed to meet at the bench out front.

I had a pretty good idea why she'd chosen this place.

The library was where we'd met the most.

"Bian's… not here yet."

On the phone she'd said she'd arrive within twenty minutes, so she wasn't late.

In that case, while I waited… and to settle my nerves a little… I might as well watch some Utopia clips.

Even in a situation like this, I still wanted to watch what I wanted to watch. I put in my earphones, opened YouTube, and for some reason found myself craving the old clips — the ones from not long after their debut.

"Oh, we ranked each other once — did we ever tell you about that?"

At Tita's words, Eve's eyes lit up and she nodded.

"Right! I wanted to talk about that. For the record, I ranked mid-lane! Dead last is Kiri unnie!"

"Hehehe."

"Eve… Kiri just pulled out a knife."

"Eek! Bibi unnie, save me!"

That had happened. Eve had done the mid-lane ranking, and Tita the energy ranking, if I remembered right.

What had Kiri and Bibi ranked again…? Back then I'd only cared about Eve, so I couldn't even remember any ranking that wasn't made by Eve or that didn't put Eve in first place…

"Me? Ah… the ranking I came up with was…"

A careful voice, soft enough to tickle Bibi's ear. Still a beautiful voice.

"Gachi."

And then that same voice began to reach me from beyond the earphones. I pulled them out and looked at the person it belonged to.

"Hey. You made it?"

"Sorry. Did you wait long?"

"No. Watching old videos made the time fly."

When I held up my phone to show her, Bian looked faintly surprised.

"…Nostalgic. We were so nervous back then, right after debut."

"Yeah. Honestly, I only watched Eve at the time, so I never noticed. You do look really tense."

"Hehe. Just like Wa Sol said — Gachi really is pure Adami, huh?"

Maybe it was because it was just the two of us this time, unlike our last meeting.

Bian was treating me the way I remembered — as if we'd gone back to that day.

But still.

"Sit down first. Let's talk slowly."

"Okay. Can I… sit next to you?"

"…Yeah."

Bian sat down beside me on the bench. As she did, I could tell she'd dressed up more than last time.

A white shirt under a gray shawl cardigan that showed off her figure, and a long skirt that made the whole look even ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠more striking.

"That chat that came up during the stream just now… I think that went too far."

"No… it happened because of me."

In the stream that had just aired, Bibi had taken the most heat. It felt wrong to put it this way, but she had the fewest viewers of the four — maybe that was why she'd been made the target.

"I have responsibility in this too. That's why I came to see you."

"…Why would you have any responsibility? It's my fault."

My fault.

I'd felt this back in high school too — Bian and I were alike in a lot of ways.

Timid, yet quietly trying to close the distance. Drawing strength from someone else. And… blaming ourselves before we ever blamed anyone else.

"No. This really is on me. So… I came to make things clear."

The moment the words left my mouth, Bian's whole body went rigid. The hands resting on her knees clenched into tight fists. She bit her lip and kept her head down.

"Bian. It's true — back then, I liked you. I'm not going to deny that… You were my first love. Just looking at you made my heart race. Those are precious memories."

"…Yeah."

At the way I spoke — as if it were already a thing of the past — Bian's shoulders began to tremble faintly.

…Don't go soft.

Say it properly.

"But I don't feel that flutter anymore."

"…"

She must have known.

She must have braced herself for exactly these words. And still, Bian sat with her head bowed, looking like she might cry at any second.

In that state, she asked in a shaking voice:

"Hey… was it because I never contacted you first? Is that why your feelings cooled off?"

"The reason we lost contact was entirely my fault. So I have no intention of blaming you."

"Still… if I had reached out to you first…"

"If we're going to talk like that, I never contacted you either. And honestly, even if I had called you back then, I don't think anything would have changed."

Yeah. Even if I'd clung to the phone and called her over and over, our relationship probably wouldn't have been any different.

Unlike that first conversation at the convenience store, by then Bian had already… become the kind of student who fit right in at our school.

"That's not—! …true. If you had called first, I would have… Sorry. I wasn't trying to say that."

"It's fine. I'll say it again — that was my fault. Not being able to face you properly was my fault, and the biggest mistake of all was me being an idiot and blowing the CSAT."

Not for Bian's sake. This was how I truly felt.

The reason we drifted apart, the reason our first love was left as nothing but a memory —

was my fault.

"I don't really know. But you think it was your own fault, right?"

"…Yeah."

"Then, um…"

In that moment, I realized my mistake.

I'd believed Bian would accept whatever I said. The Bian of the past would have.

But she and I hadn't seen each other in years.

"Could you… hold me? Just once?"

Of course she might show me a side I hadn't expected.

"I know you're dating Wa Sol. I know she's the one in your heart. But… it's also true that we liked each other. For the sake of who we were back then… just once. Let me hold you."

Clinging.

Pleading.

Begging me desperately — and to that Bian, I said:

"No."

"!"

Words the old me never would have spoken.

If Bian had changed over the years, so had I.

And the reason I was meeting her now wasn't for anyone else — it was for Wa Sol. I didn't want to do anything that would make Wa Sol sad.

Someone might ask what the big deal was about a single hug.

But put yourself in my shoes: if Wa Sol hugged someone who liked her, for that person's sake… I'd feel awful.

"Right now, it has to be Wa Sol. Even while I'm sitting here talking to you… I'm worried about her, alone and anxious."

Bian was right in front of me, and still all I could think was that I wanted to see Wa Sol. Honestly, I'd already said everything I needed to say — all I wanted was to run to her.

"If it hadn't been for Wa Sol, even if I'd run into you by chance, I never would have contacted you first. I sorted out my feelings for you a long time ago."

"How… how were you able to do that?"

How…

Back when I'd thought I'd lost everything, shut away in a room like a cave —

there had been a single ray of light shining on me.

…Ah. That's it.

"That was… thanks to Eve, I guess."

"…What?"

The reason I'd been able to put my feelings for Bian firmly to rest.

"After I bombed the CSAT and was going through a hard time, I found Eve. From then on I just kept waiting ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠for her debut day, and somewhere along the way my heart sorted itself out."

Hearing that, Bian made a faintly unreadable face.

How to put it — the look of someone completely blindsided, thrown off by words she never saw coming.

"Haa… I think I understand a little how Wa Sol feels."

She let out a soft sigh as she said it, and I couldn't find anything to say in response.

Was it that significant?

"I see… That was before I joined Utopia, so I don't really know, but— Wait, huh?"

Ah — right. Bibi had been brought in later on Thomas's recommendation, after the original three. Thinking about it, Bian might not know much about what happened back then.

But what had startled her?

She seemed to be turning something over carefully in her mind.

"…Gachi. By any chance—"

"Yeah? What is it?"

I looked at her as she called my name.

Bian kept staring at me… and gradually her face darkened. Then, as if she'd given up on everything, she lowered her head.

"Never mind… It's nothing. Just… nothing."

"…"

Startled by the sudden shift in her demeanor, I couldn't say a word. What I could tell for certain was that the pushy atmosphere from a moment ago was gone.

A brief silence settled between us before Bian forced her mouth open again.

"…Hey, Gachi. Do you remember? How I said that once I got into university… we'd start dating."

"Yeah. You never said it outright, but I picked up on it."

"Honestly, when I heard you'd messed up on the CSAT… there was one thing that really stuck with me."

Then, with a drained expression, she looked at me and asked:

"Was the reason you made that mistake that day… because of me? Because even though I'd always been leaning on you, in the end I leaned on you right up to the last moment?"

Hearing that from Bian, I —

"That's not it."

— denied it immediately.

"Like I said earlier, everything that day was my fault. All of it. And… I wasn't the only one being leaned on."

Honestly, I was a little surprised. I never expected to hear something like that from her.

Because —

"I was leaning on you too. Honestly, back then… I hated studying so much. That school's whole ideology was so stifling I could barely stand it."

"You did?"

"Yeah. And in those moments… Bian. You were the reason I could keep going. So… you weren't the only one who thought you were leaning on someone."

If I hadn't met Bian that day, I might have fallen apart long before. But because of her, I'd been able to push through.

That stupid male pride of wanting to look cool in front of the person you liked had taken root in me.

"…I'm glad. Yeah. I'm glad."

At my words, Bian finally managed a brighter expression. No — more precisely, it wasn't bright so much as the look of someone putting on relief… the face of someone who'd let go.

"Thank you. For being by my side back then. I mean that."

"I'm… grateful too. I was able to keep going because of you."

Bian spoke as if she were about to cry. Looking at her, I somehow knew.

That it was okay now.

"…Alright. I should get going."

"Okay."

"You don't… need me to walk you home, right?"

"…No. I want to be alone."

"Alright."

It was pretty late, and I was a little worried about Bian going home by herself.

But right now… I was more worried about Wa Sol, alone at home.

"…Take care. I won't forget the memories from back then."

"Yeah… Me neither… I won't forget… Bye…"

Ignoring someone of the opposite sex who's crying probably isn't a good thing to do.

But right now, I couldn't comfort Bian. ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠I mustn't.

And so I —

turned my back on her and walked away.

Toward the person who was waiting for me. The one who mattered most.

And so today, leaving a sourness like lemon in my chest —

our first love came to an end.

I clenched my fists tight.

"Haa, seriously…"

Tears came. Not because my fists hurt from squeezing so hard.

When I found out Gachi and Wa Sol were going to start dating — no. From the very beginning, I'd never had a chance.

Not me, the one who never even contacted him.

I, who had never been any kind of strength for Gachi… never even had the right to feel this way.

I'd been so full of myself — jealous of Wa Sol, trying to take him from her.

Really… so full of myself.

"Ha, haha… I… I…"

It was bitter.

This was the taste of a first love that ended in heartbreak.

Honestly… it felt like I had a rotten lemon in my mouth…