My Fault
Kiri (Wa-sol) Side.
How many bans is this now?
I've even stopped bothering to count.
Manager unnie has been doing everything she can to handle the handful of viewers stirring up trouble in chat, but it looks like she's starting to hit her limit.
...
..
.
Yep. Two more added to the pile.
At first the trolls were only going after Vivi, but before long they were posting chats that cast suspicion on the whole of Utopia. Of course most of the viewers called them out and shut them down... but there were more of them than I expected.
How did it come to this?
Because Vivi showed her hostility so openly?
Because I took her provocations too emotionally?
...No.
I already know the truth.
This only happened because... I couldn't fully trust Gachi.
Even after hearing that Bian was Gachi's first love, and even after hearing him say that he only looks at me now, a part of me had felt relieved... yet the unease in one corner of my heart never completely disappeared.
I hated that about myself.
Last time, when Senior Joo-hyeon tried to pick a fight with Gachi using nothing but a pack of lies, Gachi never doubted me. He believed my words and didn't feel anxious at all.
But I couldn't do the same. I ended up doubting Gachi's heart.
"I can't keep going like this."
Once, Gachi told me he would become someone who suited me.
Hearing that, I had said we should take it slow, one step at a time.
Why didn't I ever think of it the other way around?
I... need to become someone who suits Gachi, too.
If I don't, there might come a day when I can no longer stay by his side.
I don't want that.
No matter what happens from now on, I want to be with Gachi.
So... I'll change, starting now.
It's fine. I'm used to changing. The old loser Wa-sol managed to become the Wa-sol that a guy like Gachi loves, after all.
So...
Gachi Side.
Thirty points.
This was a first.
Eve's stream scoring this low... no, honestly, I didn't even want to give it a score.
About half the viewers probably thought it was just a joke. Some of them might have grown suspicious. The few who believed it was real still wouldn't know why the two of them were fighting.
Only I understood what their fight really meant.
"...Damn it."
For the first time, I turned off the stream without listening all the way through Eve's goodbye.
I ran straight to Wa-sol.
I'd already confirmed that Kiri's stream was off. So there shouldn't be any problem walking into Wa-sol's room right now.
I opened the door and bolted down the stairs toward the first floor.
"...Huh?"
"Ah."
I ran into Wa-sol coming up the stairs the other way.
"Gachi... wha—!?"
Before she could even finish saying my name, I pulled her into my arms.
Wa-sol startled for a second, then wrapped her arms around me in return and patted my back.
"What's wrong? Was today's stream no fun?"
"...Yeah. It wasn't fun."
"Why?"
"Because I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"...It's because of me, isn't it."
"No, it's not."
Like hell it isn't...
It's because of me.
Because of me, every single member of Utopia had to hear those things. I know better than anyone that the way Wa-sol and the others care about each other isn't fake.
I know that more than anyone! And yet this whole mess started because of me.
"If I'd pushed Bian away firmly from the start, none of this would have happened. No—if I'd just treated her coldly enough that she ended up hating me... then Vivi never would have shown open hostility toward Kiri. Vivi never would have gotten flamed for it. And Utopia itself never would have been put under suspicion..."
My voice was starting to crack. Wa-sol kept holding me, and this time she stroked my hair.
"...You idiot."
She whispered it right against my ear.
She kept stroking me like that for a while, and once I'd calmed down she carefully slipped out of my arms.
...In the end, I was the one who got comforted.
"Sorry. I'm not the one who should be getting comforted right now."
"Mm, we're dating. And today's mess... I had a part in it too. Vivi—Bian—had a part in it too."
"No. At the very least, Wa-sol, you didn't—"
"I did."
Wa-sol stated her opinion firmly. She looked at me with a slightly apologetic smile.
"The truth is... I was a little scared. That Bian might actually take you away from me. That even a tiny piece of her might still be left in your heart... I didn't completely trust you, Gachi. That's my fault."
That was ridiculous.
In a situation like this, feeling that kind of anxiety was only natural.
"You never once doubted me in front of Senior Joo-hyeon, Gachi."
"That and this are different. Completely different... so please, Wa-sol, don't say it's your fault."
"No... it is my fault. So, Gachi."
Wa-sol took a step closer to me.
And then she looked me straight in the eyes and spoke.
"I won't doubt you anymore."
She put every ounce of her resolve into those words, as if she would never waver again.
"Just like you believed in me, I'm going to believe in you."
As she said it, she took both of my hands in hers.
Small and soft.
But... a little cold.
"You said you'd become someone who suits me, right?"
"...Yeah."
"I'll become someone who suits you too. So I can stand proudly by your side."
Hearing Wa-sol say that hit me harder than I expected. I'd never once thought of it that way before...
To me, Wa-sol was... a woman far too good for someone like me.
"So, Gachi."
"Yeah."
This next part was probably the real point.
I quietly watched as Wa-sol closed her eyes and took a short breath, waiting for what she would say next.
When she opened them again, her face was set with determination.
"Go meet Bian."
"...What?"
"I believe in you, Gachi. I know for sure you'll come back to me. So go to Bian and tell her properly. Tell her how you feel right now."
The last time I met Bian, I never really told her how I felt. I only talked around it, or showed it vaguely through my actions.
But a few days ago, after listening to Cheon-woo and Seo-hyeon, I'd realized something.
That trying not to hurt someone can end up making the people you care about uncomfortable.
Because I understood that, I knew Wa-sol was right. But not like this.
"Here. This is Bian's number."
Wa-sol held up her phone screen, showing a contact saved as Vivi.
"Go."
There wasn't a single trace of hesitation on her face.
"...Are you really okay with this?"
"Yeah."
"...Then why."
No—she was just pretending to be okay.
To prove it, I took hold of the hand that was holding the phone.
"See...? You're shaking."
"!"
"You're forcing yourself, and you still say you don't believe me? Of course you'd feel anxious if something like this happened."
No matter what excuse I made, no matter what "what if" I threw out—
This was the one thing I refused to deny.
Wa-sol's anxiety was justified.
When the first love of the person you love still has lingering feelings, not caring about it would actually be the callous thing to do.
So...
"Wa-sol. I'm going to go meet Bian now."
"Ah—"
She flinched.
See? You don't actually want to send me.
"This isn't because of what you said. It's because I want to put a proper end to things myself."
So the reason you're anxious right now—
Leaving you behind when you don't want me to go, and heading off to meet Bian—
Is my fault.
I will never put any part of what happened today on you.
"Wa-sol. Will you trust me and let me go?"
"...Yeah."
Ah. Now she's finally showing me her honest face.
The face that says she never wants to let me leave.
The face that begs me not to go.
Seriously... why does even that face look pretty? I almost want to shout "ninety points!" without thinking.
"Thank you."
"...Whatever."
She's going to pout about it in the end anyway.
What were you planning to do if I'd just taken your word for it and left?
"Instead... the second it's over, I'll come straight back to you."
"...How are you going to prove it?"
"P-prove it?"
Suddenly being told to prove it left me with nothing to say. Should I write a pledge or something?
Or maybe record a video.
"..."
While I stood there fretting on my own, Wa-sol held out her pinky finger.
...Ah.
"Will this do?"
I held out my pinky the same way. We hooked our little fingers together and gave them a little shake up and down.
There was a simple way after all.
"...I'll wait no matter how late it gets. You have to come back."
"I'll run back as fast as I can. Faster than when I took you to the hospital last time."
"...Mm."
Only then did our pinkies come apart.
The promise was made.
If I didn't come back, that would be my fault too.
Not that anything like that was going to happen.
Thanks to everything that went down, Utopia's collab stream ended earlier than expected.
I wouldn't exactly call it a silver lining, but...
Because the collab wrapped up so quickly, it still wasn't all that late.
After leaving the mansion, I checked the number Wa-sol had given me for Bian. I'd deleted it ages ago and lived without knowing it for a while, but the moment I saw it again, the memories of that day came flooding back one after another.
"Right. This was the number. The fact that just looking at it brings back even a faint memory means that back then... I definitely liked Bian."
Yeah. No point hiding it now.
There was never any lie in how I felt back then.
And... the same goes for how I feel now.
"...Let's go."
I dialed Bian's number.
Would she recognize right away that it was me? Or maybe, like me, she'd deleted the number and wouldn't know who was calling.
~~~. Click.
The ringtone ended and someone picked up.
"...Gachi?"
She recognized me right away. Did she guess from a number she only half-remembered, like me? Or did she, unlike me, never delete it?
"Yeah. It's been a while since I called, Bian."
Either way, it didn't matter.
The ending wouldn't change.
"Since I went to the trouble of calling after so long... want to meet? Just the two of us."
Today, I was going to completely end my first love.
For the sake of the love I have now, the one living inside me.
Bian Side.
I finally understood for certain that I was an idiot.
At first I really had planned to play the game nicely together. It would be a little awkward, but if we kept at it things would gradually get better, and once we were back to normal I'd properly apologize after the stream ended.
That had been the plan.
But then I heard it.
It's a little weird to say about myself, but... it's a strange thing. Even though I'm an idiot, my head works pretty well.
The reason Eve (Gyu-ri) deliberately emphasized that nickname to provoke Kiri (Wa-sol). I had zero evidence, but from that one action alone I figured out who that username belonged to.
After that, Kiri's voice started to sound a little sharper, which only made me more certain.
And I realized that Gachi had sent a donation to Eve herself, and Eve had used it to provoke Kiri by saying it out loud.
That made one thing crystal clear. Right now, it wasn't just Kiri... Eve was closer to Gachi than I was.
Closer than me, his first love...
I'd already steeled myself for it, so if it had only been Kiri, I might have barely managed to hold back. But the moment I thought I was falling behind even Eve...
Without realizing it, I started to forget what I'd originally come there to do.
"Idiot... I really am... such an idiot..."
I should have apologized. Because it was my fault.
All of it... every last bit of it was my fault.
I hurt Wa-sol. I probably made her anxious too. Instead of properly listening to her or accepting what she said, I put my own feelings first.
Even though I knew I wasn't supposed to do that...
I hurt Gachi. If this whole thing made Wa-sol and Gachi break up, I wouldn't even have the face to look at him. Even if he did break up with Wa-sol, he still wouldn't choose me. I already know what kind of person he is...
In the end, no matter what I did, I already knew long ago that I could never stand by Gachi's side...
I caused trouble for all of Utopia too. Because of my stupid behavior, people are definitely going to look at us badly. Everything we've worked so hard for until now could fall apart because of me.
Even though Utopia is supposed to be more precious to me than anything, something I would never trade away...
"I'm sorry... everyone... I'm so sorry. Because of me... it's my fault..."
Guilt and regret swirled inside me.
I knew this feeling.
It was the same feeling I had when I finally realized how huge a mistake it had been to lose Gachi. No—this was worse than back then.
Because this time I could lose even more people.
Paradise.
Back then, that word had pulled me forward and let me face reality. But looking back, I still hadn't overcome my past.
And now... because of that past, it felt like I was about to lose my "paradise"...
"What... am I supposed to do..."
I didn't know. I couldn't lean on anyone for something that had started because of me.
So then what was I supposed to...
As I sat alone in that dark, narrow room, doing nothing, someone called me.
~~~
"Who...? Wait—!?"
I was sure I'd deleted it. And yet the second I saw the number, I remembered exactly who it was.
This number... is Gachi's.
"...Gachi?"
"Yeah. It's been a while since I called, Bian."
The moment I heard his voice... my heart settled. For a second I almost forgot the situation I was in and wanted to lean on him completely.
"Since I went to the trouble of calling after so long... want to meet? Just the two of us."
And when I heard those words—
I knew I couldn't lean on Gachi.
The reason he wanted to meet me was obviously... to put an end to things.
Getting my hopes up again like an idiot. Even though I don't have the right.
Idiot... idiot...
Yeah. Everything started because of my mistakes.
Time to accept it.
"...Okay. Let's do that."
My first love was about to... come to a complete end.