Public Confession
Pretense. The act of draping yourself in words and gestures to hide who you really are from other people. It was something I'd always hated—though I supposed everyone carried a little of it in them.
Even so, I could never bring myself to like someone who approached me that way. I'd always been sensitive to that kind of performance, and that made it worse.
Especially in situations like this one.
"It's fine. You don't have to force yourself to eat."
"Wa Sol, do you need some water?"
"Are the kids making you uncomfortable? Want to switch seats with me?"
The tone, the gestures—all of it dressed up like concern. But it was plain as day that they just wanted to win me over.
I wasn't even sure my face was holding together under that kind of performance.
There had been a stretch where I'd thought I might finally get used to it. But sitting in an atmosphere like this still made my skin crawl.
"Aah~ seniors. Stop fussing over Wa Sol and pour some drinks for the rest of us too~"
Having Yun-a next to me was the one silver lining. She cut off most of the pickup lines aimed at me before they could land, so at least I wasn't going to choke on them.
"Haa... you okay?"
Yun-a accepted a drink from the seniors and asked me quietly. I managed an awkward smile and nodded.
"Yeah. It's a little better thanks to you."
"I told you not to come."
"Still... it's the last gathering of the semester..."
Half a year had finally passed since I'd entered university. The department was throwing an end-of-term party to mark the close of the first semester, and most of the freshmen were going, so I'd said I'd go too—and this was the result.
"Just eat a little and leave. That'd be better. He's going to show up soon anyway."
"Yeah. I was planning to go before that..."
He. The person Yun-a meant was Senior Kim Ju-hyeon. Compared to the people talking to me now, he wore the mask of pretense plastered over every inch of himself—and honestly... he was disgusting.
The problem was that this disgusting person was completely unreachable by reason... and that he had his eye on me.
"By the way, when is Professor Yu Eun-yeong getting here? She said she'd at least show her face."
Professor Yu Eun-yeong. A professor who'd looked out for me a great deal—someone I was grateful to, and also someone I felt terrible about.
She'd worked so hard teaching me, and all I'd managed was a grade that locked in a retake... I'm sorry...
"Ah... actually, I told her I was pretty sure I'd have to retake the class. She said we'd be seeing each other more often anyway, so there was no real need to meet again today."
"Wow, cool of her. But you've gotten close enough to have that kind of conversation?"
"Yeah, it turned out that way. I just feel bad about it..."
But the class is way too hard... No matter how much I studied, I couldn't understand it—what was I supposed to do...
I was starting to think I'd picked the wrong major. Maybe after graduation I'd just try for a job in a completely different field...
"Uh, Wa Sol. We need to leave. Right now."
"Huh? Why all of a sudden?"
"He's here..."
The moment I heard that, goosebumps ran over my entire body.
I followed Yun-a's gaze, and sure enough—there he was.
"Senior Ju-hyeon..."
"Oh! Wa Sol's over there!"
Our table was already full with six people, but he walked over like it was the most natural thing in the world, slid in beside me, and greeted me.
"Wa Sol, hey. How'd finals go? Ah—you said you have to retake, right?"
Where did he even hear that...
I'd only told Professor Yu Eun-yeong and Yun-a so far.
"Professor Yu Eun-yeong told you too, right? 'Please let's not keep ending up in the same class over and over.' I guess we really are on the same wavelength~"
The only thing we had in common was being human, and even that was more than I needed—and now this useless extra common ground had appeared. I stood up and, still smiling, offered my seat to Senior Ju-hyeon as he kept talking.
"Ah, senior. I should get going. Please, take this seat."
He was older than me, a social butterfly with a huge network—I couldn't just tell him to his face that he made me sick. So I chose to run, and was about to head straight back to the dorms.
"Wa Sol."
The second wave of goosebumps that day. A soft voice that sounded almost sweet, almost worried, almost sincere.
I hadn't even been drinking, and I felt like I was going to throw up.
"You've had some drinks, and it's late. I'll walk you back."
"Please don't worry. I'm not drunk at all, and the dorms are right nearby."
"I'm worried about you. Everyone—I'll take Wa Sol home, so don't worry."
"Ah... okay."
All the male seniors at the table smiled and pretended to go along with Senior Ju-hyeon's words. With the current center of the department acting like this, no one was going to push back out in the open.
"Whoa, Ju-hyeon oppa never steps up like that for anyone. Isn't it about time you two started dating?"
"Right? Maybe they already are."
"Nah, Je-cheol's still in the picture."
The other seniors sitting nearby started talking freely among themselves, loud enough that I was clearly meant to hear every word about Senior Ju-hyeon's attitude.
I really hated this.
"Please stop."
That was when Je-cheol, who'd been sitting at the next table, stepped in front of Senior Ju-hyeon as he moved toward me.
"Wa Sol doesn't seem to like this."
"That's why I'm saying I'll walk her home. You can tell just by looking that she hates this kind of atmosphere~"
"Haa, senior. I'll take Wa Sol home. You sit down and rest."
"Yeah? Then... let's take her together. No need for either of us to go alone, right?"
"...I'll do it."
"Isn't the 'I'm uncomfortable' excuse getting a little stale?"
Why doesn't anyone ask what I want. I wanted to go alone.
It was true that Je-cheol was the more comfortable friend of the two... but lately even Je-cheol had started to feel off. Maybe because Senior Ju-hyeon had gotten tangled up in everything.
Especially when Yun-a wasn't around, he'd say things about wanting to hang out just the two of us. I'd told him I couldn't leave Yun-a out and suggested the three of us go instead.
And every time, the look on Je-cheol's face afterward hadn't been bright.
"It's about time you said it out loud, isn't it?"
"...It's true that I'm uncomfortable."
"I'd love to know why~"
Stop. Please, no more.
If he asked any further, I had the feeling I wouldn't be able to stay friends with Je-cheol anymore.
So please.
"Hey everyone! Listen up! I really like Wa Sol!"
Oblivious to what I was feeling, Senior Ju-hyeon shouted it loud enough for every student from our department gathered there to hear. For a moment, silence fell over the room.
Then—
"Waaaaah!!"
"That's our Ju-hyeon hyung!"
"Whoa, that's actually cool!"
Cheers poured out as if every student in the place was on Senior Ju-hyeon's side. The cheering itself wasn't the problem. What came next was.
After the cheers, every pair of eyes turned to the next person.
Me.
I knew what those looks meant.
I wanted to tell them how I really felt—the people waiting for my answer. But I also knew the answer they wanted was one I never wanted to give.
I didn't have the courage to break that expectation.
In the end I stood there unable to say a word, my head gone blank—
and that was when Je-cheol came toward me.
He reached to put a hand on my shoulder.
"Don't."
Yun-a blocked his hand.
"I told you. If you try to force the distance closed, I'll stop you."
"...She was shaking so hard I was just trying to help."
"I'll handle that. Don't worry about it."
"..."
Yun-a held me, and that let me settle a little. I tried to look around, but my hair was a mess and I couldn't see well.
Ugh, this is so annoying. I just want to cut all this hair off.
"So, Wa Sol—what's your answer?"
"The answer!?"
"We're waiting!!"
"Wa Sol, you can do it!"
Do what, exactly? Dig deep and give you the answer you want? Become a clown so you can all have a good time?
Become the girlfriend of someone so disgusting he makes me want to throw up?
No.
I still didn't really understand what it meant to like someone or want to date them.
But I did not want my first relationship to start like this!
And right as that thought formed—
"...I like her too."
"...Huh?"
An unexpected voice, from an unexpected person.
"I've liked you since before that guy even knew you existed. Wa Sol."
Je-cheol. My friend Je-cheol... was trying to step over the line of friendship and come closer.
And the feeling that hit me when I heard him was—
betrayal.
"Ooooh!!"
"A confession answered with a confession!"
"That's a real man, Je-cheol!"
What is so fun about this? What is so impressive about this?
"Wa Sol... I'm serious."
Until now I'd only ever thought of him as a friend. I'd taken every single thing Je-cheol did as something a friend would do. But... that wasn't it?
So you approached me with pretense too?
You never thought of me as a friend at all?
...
..
.
I couldn't say a word. My head was spinning too hard for anything coherent to come out.
Even with Yun-a holding me, I couldn't calm down.
It felt like I was trapped inside a dream.
Please, someone—anyone—pull me back to reality. Tell me I'm still here...
"Senior. I think Wa Sol is really shaken right now."
"Yeah... this one's on us."
The two of them spoke as if they were being considerate, worrying about me. The two people who had put me in this state in the first place.
Senior Ju-hyeon, whom I'd always hated—and Je-cheol, who until yesterday I'd thought of as reliable—I wished both of them would just stop talking to me.
If no one could bring me back to reality... then just leave me alone.
"Wa Sol... I'll take it slow with you. So..."
Je-cheol was saying something, but none of it reached my head. One thing was certain... I could no longer be friends with him.
From now on, we—
"We can still hang out together, right?"
—could not be together.
I was furious.
Because of those two guys' completely inconsiderate public confessions, my best friend Wa Sol couldn't even keep her head straight.
And realizing that other people were reading that look on her face as shyness made me want to rip every single one of their eyeballs out.
I told you. You're not right for Wa Sol.
It still hurt to cut loose a friend I'd spent more time with than anyone else this semester. But the friend who mattered most to me was Wa Sol.
And I had no intention of forgiving Je-cheol for putting her through this.
"Well then. From now on, we're rivals."
"..."
"Don't glare at me like that. We're comrades who like the same person... let's have a fair competition."
Senior Ju-hyeon, spouting off about competing over someone who had zero interest in either of them, held out his hand to Je-cheol like he was asking him to take care of things.
Je-cheol glared at Ju-hyeon and gripped that hand with everything he had—full of the will never to lose to him.
Looking at the two of them, I—
"Haa, those fucking bastards."
—was completely fed up. The person they claimed to like could barely even hold herself together right now, and they didn't care about any of that—only about their own feelings. That made me angry.
"Not you two... of all people... never you two."
Maybe I was already crossing the line of friendship myself. But this—this was something I would force through no matter what.
I swore I would never, ever let those two be near Wa Sol again.