The First Thing I Felt
The first week of university life was finally coming to an end. Fortunately, there was only one class on Friday, and it didn't start until one in the afternoon, so I got out of bed at a leisurely pace.
"..."
Even after waking, I still felt as though I were half inside a dream. Last night I had run into Senior Wa Sol again, by pure chance.
I was glad I had been there for her after whatever frightening thing she had gone through—though I still didn't know what it was—and yet she had shown such open hostility toward a junior she supposedly knew. After that, an inexplicable laugh from her had set off every alarm in my head, and her final words had set my heart pounding.
Had any of it been real?
Maybe everything I saw that night had only been a dream.
Don't worry. I'm going to tell you. I swear. I've already decided.
But those words she had given me proved the memory was real. That single promise had felt more solid than anything else.
"What kind of secret is she talking about?"
I had no idea. Still, it wasn't only the physical distance between us that felt closer—the emotional distance did too—and I caught myself getting excited over nothing.
"Whew. The last time I felt this worked up was probably the day Eve debuted."
I hadn't been able to focus on work that day either, and Su-yeon hyung had covered for me more than a few times. Thinking back, I felt a little guilty. Then again, I'd bought him plenty of cigarettes over the years, so maybe we were even.
I changed clothes with a faint smile, the old military days drifting through my mind for the first time in a while. The forecast said the weather would stay warmer starting today, so I had planned to wear a lighter cardigan than last time—until I remembered how cold last night had actually been.
"Hmm... better not catch a cold. Thick one it is, this week."
I left the thin cardigan behind, pulled on the heavier one, and headed to campus.
The one o'clock class was held in a building about a fifteen-minute walk from the mansion. Since it was another required freshman elective, I had figured I might run into someone I knew—and sure enough, I did.
"Didn't expect you and Seo-hyeon to be in different classes."
"You think he and I come as a set?"
"You two are practically glued together."
"Haa. He's the one who sticks to me."
I sat with Cheon-woo in the middle of the large lecture hall, talking. The same course ran again in the second semester, so even though it was a freshman requirement, not everyone took it in the first term. Seo-hyeon and Hae-an had decided to skip it this semester.
"So, have you seen Senior Wa Sol since then?"
"Yeah. On the way home, or when I stepped out for a bit—stuff like that."
"Tch. So you only run into her when we're not around."
"Hmm... now that you mention it."
Thinking about it, I had seen Senior Wa Sol every single day since that first meeting. Most of the encounters had been pure coincidence.
"More importantly—are you still watching Vivi's streams?"
"A little, before bed. When she does storytelling, I like the way she reads."
"Yeah, people say her voice is the best."
Vivi was a Utopia VTuber modeled after Viviane—the fairy from Avalon in Arthurian legend, also known as the Lady of the Lake. Her main content was reading story games or visual novels aloud. Her voice was so soft that plenty of people tuned in just to hear her read. Quiet content like that meant she had the lowest viewer count in Utopia, but the fans she did have were fiercely loyal.
"I figured you'd be more into streamers who are good at games, like Kiri."
"I like people who are good at games. They're just... loud."
Cheon-woo probably preferred streamers who quietly did their own thing. We kept talking about Utopia until class started.
"Eve's popularity is no joke, though. I checked last night—her viewer count was almost double Vivi's."
"She runs the kind of stream that works for a general audience. Viewers probably prefer something with lots of entertainment value, like Eve's, over something quiet and cozy."
"I get it, but if we're talking comfort, Vivi's better."
"Being comfortable sunk into a soft bed and being comfortable because you're with someone you like aren't the same thing."
I was surprised how well Cheon-woo and I actually got along. Of course, once class began we stopped talking, and the session itself was just a quick orientation that wrapped up fast.
Even after it ended, we still felt like chatting, so we decided to stop by a café for a bit.
"Where to, then?"
"The only place I know around here is Yarrow. Want to try it?"
"Yarrow? What kind of name is that?"
"It's a flower. I went there with Senior Wa Sol once."
Not exactly a great memory, but...
"Whew. What even are you two?"
"Senior and junior."
"...If Adami hyung says so, I guess that's what it is."
Cheon-woo was interested in Senior Wa Sol, so of course he reacted sharply the moment I mentioned seeing her. But then—why had I even brought up going there with her in the first place?
I just... wanted to say it. But why?
After talking with Cheon-woo at Yarrow for a while, evening rolled around and I called Hae-an and Seo-hyeon to join us for dinner. Hae-an claimed there was a place nearby with great sundae-gukbap, so we went there and ate.
Afterward—
"I'm sorry."
"Why are you apologizing? ...I'm sorry."
Cheon-woo and Seo-hyeon went back to the restaurant where they had caused a scene the day before and apologized to the owner. Seo-hyeon went first while Cheon-woo hesitated, and then Cheon-woo bowed his head as if he had no choice. Fortunately, the owner forgave them both and settled the whole matter by simply asking them to come eat more often.
"He's a good guy. Said we didn't even have to pay for the broken dishes."
"When hyung asked last time, he already said it wasn't expensive."
Hae-an put it that way, but I didn't think it was about the price. Still, turning down too much goodwill from someone older than me wouldn't have been polite either.
"Well, nothing left to do. What does everyone want?"
"I'm fine with whatever."
"Same."
When Seo-hyeon asked if we wanted to hang out and Hae-an and Cheon-woo agreed, Seo-hyeon nodded and started scrolling through his phone.
"Okay, unanimous. I found a place—want to go?"
"Huh? I haven't said anything yet."
"Adami hyung already has his schedule locked in anyway."
"Don't worry. When I ask hyung about something, I'll check Eve's stream time first."
"There you go."
"...Thanks for understanding me so well."
It felt a little strange, but not in a bad way. They weren't pushing me away for liking Eve—they were just treating it like normal.
"I'll head out first, then. Have fun, guys."
"Yeah, see you next week."
"Later, hyung."
"If Senior Wa Sol says anything about me, tell me."
Aside from that last line from Cheon-woo, my friends saw me off warmly. I gave them a light wave and headed home.
Seven in the evening.
I lay down on a bed that was starting to feel familiar and opened Eve's stream on my phone. Maybe because of all the collabs lately, she was taking a breather today—a short solo just-chatting stream.
The four members of Utopia had a lore premise—that they had gathered to build a paradise in this world—but the members forgot it constantly. Originally most of Utopia's greetings were supposed to be paradise-themed, but those lines had gradually thinned out, and the whole thing had become a running gag about Utopia members who couldn't remember their own setting.
And so began Utopia's café tour. Most of the posts were about the Eve–Kiri collab that had run through yesterday, and among them, clips of Kiri crying showed up an awful lot.
There was even a surprising amount of fan art—Kiri crying, Eve looking after her. That much art in a single day. Utopia really was something else.
After that, Eve read posts about more than just the collab with Kiri—posts about Vivi's storytelling stream from yesterday, Tita's singing stream announcement, posts about Eve herself. The broadcast was flowing along smoothly.
Until one donation came through.
Eve's chat had a standing ban on mentioning other streamers. Someone had broken that taboo with a donation, and after reading it, Eve went quiet for a moment.
I could hear her typing—faster and faster—and then she even seemed about to call someone.
What was going on?
Looking closer, the chat was flooding with talk about Kiri too.
Eve's screen switched to the Diy homepage. She opened Kiri's channel—already bookmarked, of course—and there—
—was a Kiri who looked nothing like her usual self. No matter how much chat or donations called out to her, she barely reacted, quietly locked onto the game she was playing.
Sure, some streamers muted chat and donations when they needed to focus—but Utopia, a group that prized viewer interaction, never did that. And right now, chat and donations were clearly still visible on Kiri's screen.
There was even labored breathing.
The moment I heard it, something stirred in my chest for no reason I could name.
Thankfully, Tita had spotted it first and already contacted the manager and the boss. Whether that would lead to any real help was another question.
"No—shouldn't someone be calling an ambulance at this point..."
I gripped my phone with hands that wouldn't stop shaking, a tight frustration coiling in my chest. Kiri was still streaming in that awful state, and by now she wasn't even speaking properly.
Silence. Aside from the occasional donation telling her to snap out of it or rest, Kiri's stream was dead quiet.
And in that quiet—
Thud.
The sound of something collapsing.
At the same instant, Kiri's stream cut out.
Anyone listening could tell this wasn't a joke. Eve grasped how serious it was and tried calling Kiri right away, but she didn't seem to be picking up.
Realizing she couldn't keep streaming like this, Eve apologized to her viewers.
It was a line that didn't sound like Eve—more like the person inside Eve speaking. Then the stream ended. Strangely, even with Eve's broadcast over, I felt no disappointment at all.
All I felt was an unnameable anxiety.
I didn't know what that anxiety was. I didn't know—and yet why was I already outside?
I took the stairs two at a time and still couldn't understand what I was doing. I knew what I was about to do. I just had no idea why.
Even so, I couldn't stand still.
Pulled along by a feeling I didn't recognize, I ran all the way to Senior Wa Sol's door.
"Haa... haa..."
The moment I heard Kiri collapse, the first image that rose in my mind was... Senior Wa Sol falling.
I didn't know why that scene had come to me, and I didn't know why seeing it had brought me here.
I only knew that I had to do this.
Knock knock.
"Se—nior?"
No answer.
I tried calling, but it just kept saying the line was busy. I sent a message—no reply at all.
Knock knock knock.
I rapped harder this time.
Still nothing from inside the room.
...Something was wrong.
My head swam so hard I thought I might be sick, and I wanted to smash the door in right then and there.
BANG BANG BANG!
"Senior! Senior Wa Sol!"
I pounded on the door hard enough to break it and shouted her name loud enough for the whole floor to hear—
but the door didn't open.
"...She's just not home. Right? That has to be it."
Yeah. She was simply out. Or on a long call with someone, which was why she wasn't answering.
There was nothing to worry about... I knew that... I knew there was nothing to worry about...
"Damn it! Senior! Senior Wa Sol!"
But the churning in my chest told me not to give up here. To call her name again. That I had to—it was shouting it at me.
And then—
At last the door to her room opened, and what I saw was—
"Haa... haa... Ga—chi?"
Senior, calling my name. For a second I was just relieved she had opened the door—then I saw how hard she was breathing and realized she was in bad shape.
"Senior, are you oka—huh?"
The moment I started to say her name, she suddenly pitched forward toward me. Luckily I caught her, holding her up in my arms.
A faint fragrance. A body so light I almost doubted she was really there. And more than the simple softness of her—
the first thing I felt was—
"...You're burning up."
Even through the thick clothes I was wearing, her heat came through clear as day.