An Unexplained Feeling

A chance encounter with my senior.

How many times had I experienced something like this already?

There had been that chance meeting with her on the night after watching the Eve-versus-Kiri showdown, and with it that inexplicable, bashful feeling. The afterglow of it still lingered, so I had half-expected to run into her somewhere today as well—but today did not seem to be the day.

Thanks to Professor Yu Eun-yeong’s kindness, the one class I shared with my senior had been canceled, so I could not even count on the inevitable meeting that would have come from it. In the end, after every lecture finished and I returned home to watch Eve’s stream, I still had not seen her.

…Had I relied too much on chance alone?

“Maybe I should try contacting her…”

Back home, among the handful of numbers saved on my phone was Senior Wa Sol’s. If I simply pressed it, she would probably pick up, and we could talk. If things went well, we might even make plans to meet. Of course, that was only if I had the courage for it.

“I’ll watch Eve’s stream first.”

Besides, Eve’s broadcast was about to start any minute. Contacting Senior Wa Sol would have to wait until later.

…What a pathetic excuse.

That lively voice cut through my own pathetic self-justifications. It belonged to Eve, the one who had won yesterday’s match against Kiri. In chat, the Adami were flooding the screen with cheers celebrating her victory, and the donations were ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠pouring in so fast that anyone who wasn’t subscribed would have been stuck thirty minutes behind.

The Adami spammed half-exasperated messages at Eve’s forced logic, but of course they still found even this version of her adorable.

Eve’s eyes sparkled with stars as she spoke, clearly expecting something. Ah, I knew.

Yesterday’s loser had one penalty waiting for her.

And that was—

Exactly. The penalty for yesterday’s defeat was a horror game. For the record, Kiri had never once played a horror game since her debut. According to her, she simply wasn’t scared of them so it would be boring. But looking at how the other Utopia members had reacted when she said that…

“That’s definitely a lie.”

If it really were boring, she could have just played one once and proven it. The fact that she had dragged it out this long was already more than enough to treat the “Kiri is a scaredy-cat” theory as established fact.

Eve jumped at the sudden voice of Kiri rising right beside her. Kiri looked thoroughly drained; she let out a long sigh and muttered something under her breath.

Eve, who had no intention of doing it herself, was the one telling Kiri to cheer up. Listening to her, Kiri looked on the verge of tears as she pleaded with us that she didn’t want to. Different from yesterday, yet still that same voice that somehow managed to be tempting.

Looking at her like that, somehow…

Yikes. Even I had almost fallen under Kiri’s hypnosis for a second there.

There seemed to be some private conversation only the two of them understood, carrying a strange tension. At last, Kiri’s horror game playthrough—and Eve’s stream of watching it—began.

And thirty minutes later.

Kiri still hadn’t even crossed the starting line of the game. On top of that—

She wasn’t even trying to hide anymore that her claim of not being scared of horror games had been a lie. Under normal circumstances it would have been unthinkable for Kiri to drag her feet this much over a single game.

That ear-splitting scream made the current situation perfectly clear.

For the next several tens of minutes she kept frying her nerves, but because this was the first time anyone had seen Kiri like this, both the Adami and the Hara reacted as if they wanted even more of it.

…But was she really okay? She genuinely looked terrified. Forcing her too hard felt a little…

A few minutes later, the sound of crying proved my worry correct.

Ah. Of course. This was the real thing. She truly hated it.

Watching her cry like that, the viewers finally started catching on. Even Eve, whose audio never usually cut out, had no idea what to do.

…Me?

I jumped. For a second I thought she had called my name. Not that something like that would ever happen…

There was probably no falsehood in those tears. Even so, Kiri fully exercised her professional consciousness, and Eve kept talking to her from the side, so little by little they managed to progress through the game.

…Though Eve was saying all that while still sipping her apple yuzu tea. She might have been secretly enjoying it a bit.

Still, encouraged by Eve, Kiri mustered her courage and barely, barely pushed forward. After a three-hour playtime, at last—

Maybe it was Eve’s atmosphere, but Kiri recovered her usual condition and started putting out a bright vibe again. Looking at her like that… of course my heart had ached at the fact that she cried, but somehow.

She really was amazing. Being able to endure something she hated and feared that much and see it through to the end.

I found myself a little moved by the side of Kiri she had shown today.

…Maybe this was her real charm, I carefully thought to myself.

After a short post-game talk once the horror stream ended, their broadcast finished. Normally I would have felt the usual mix of lingering attachment and emptiness at the end-of-stream screen, but today a different ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠emotion settled over me.

“Haa, about an 84, maybe. Knowing Kiri cried, I can’t just think of it as purely good.”

But after crying like that, would she be okay once the stream ended? There would probably be some aftereffects—some of that scary feeling lingering. Well, if she lived with family it might not be an issue… but what if she lived alone?

…Would she call a friend or something? And if that was hard…

“What is this. Why am I so worried about it?”

Even I didn’t understand the reason for this feeling. It was frustrating. This mood. The fact that this unidentifiable worry was directed at Kiri left me confused, and a certain person kept rising in my mind. I didn’t even know why that person was appearing, yet right now I felt like I had to be at their side.

I didn’t understand.

And yet before I knew it I had put on clothes and left the house.

And once again, I met chance.

“Oh, Gachi…”

“…Senior?”

A coincidence so uncanny it was almost strange. I had just been thinking of her, thinking I needed to meet her—and there she was, slumped on the stairs leading up to the second floor.

But I had no room left to be surprised by the coincidence. Because her eyes were swollen. Anyone could tell she had only just stopped crying.

The moment I saw that, the earlier unexplainable frustration inside me was replaced by a whole swarm of other emotions rising up. Worry, questions, fluster. And anger.

I approached her slowly and sat a few steps above where she was sitting. Looking down at the senior who was looking up at me, I carefully asked,

“…Someone didn’t make you cry, did they?”

“Hm? Ah, hahaha. No. Just… with a younger sibling I know…”

“You fought…? No. It’s nothing.”

I had gotten a little emotional and grilled her more than usual. Slightly regretting the questions, I looked at her. She smiled gently and slowly shook her head.

“I had to do something really scary. I really, really didn’t want to… but I’d made a promise with that sibling. I forced myself to be brave and finished it, but…”

Just how terrifying must it have been? For all I knew it could have been something huge beyond my imagination. The one silver lining was that I could be here beside her now.

“Once it was all over it got even scarier. Hehe. Pretty dumb, right?”

“…Not at all.”

Everyone’s degree of fear was different. Just as it would be unreasonable for someone who wasn’t scared of cockroaches to call a person who was scared of them a coward for barely managing to catch one after mustering their courage—what my senior had gone through could have been the most terrifying experience in the world inside her own heart. I, who didn’t even fully understand her position, had no right to call it foolish. If anything, I thought she was amazing. Whatever it was, she had found the courage to face something she feared and seen it through to the end.

“So I got scared of being alone in my room and came outside. But it was already dark, and calling a friend felt weird… I thought maybe I should call Gachi, so I came up to the second floor… and then I started feeling a little embarrassed.”

Well, it did take courage to go looking for someone of the opposite sex’s room late at night. If I hadn’t come out of my room, she would have been left alone on these stairs with those scary memories.

“I’m glad I came outside.”

“Yeah, thanks to you I feel a bit better.”

“No. I mean I’m glad. Because I can be here next to my senior when she’s scared.”

The moment the words left my mouth I realized I had said something a little embarrassing, but spilled water couldn’t be ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠put back. Still, when she looked at me with surprised eyes and then smiled the way she always did, it seemed I hadn’t said the wrong thing after all.

Now that she finally looked like she was settling down, the bad feelings from earlier about the “younger sibling” she had mentioned rose up again. She had said a younger sibling she knew… was it a guy?

No—more than that… of course that bothered me too, but first… I wanted to say one thing to that person.

“…I don’t know them well enough to say this, but I hope that sibling had been a little more considerate of you.”

“What?”

“They forced you to do something you hated that much, right? I wish they’d been more careful.”

“Ah…”

“And you cried this hard… that sibling is really too much. To put it a bit harshly… they seem self-centered.”

“…”

Yeah, that had probably gone too far. She hadn’t said a word for a while. Of course it wouldn’t feel good to suddenly hear a stranger trash-talk a close younger sibling. Still, I didn’t particularly want to apologize…

“Pfft. Hahaha!”

Huh?

…Strange. Where was the funny part in any of that just now?

I sat there blankly tilting my head while she kept laughing to herself for some reason only she knew, looking thoroughly amused. It didn’t feel like she was teasing me, ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠but… why?

Something felt off.

“Ah, sorry… I never thought… hahaha. That I’d hear those words from you. Haha.”

“What?”

“Hahaha. Haa, that’s funny. But Gachi… are you planning to take back what you just said?”

Take it back… I didn’t particularly want to. She had actually made my senior cry, so I still thought that much needed to be said to that sibling. I didn’t know who they were, but I wasn’t going to back down from this feeling.

…Yeah, something really felt off.

“Hehe, so you don’t plan to take it back? You might regret it later. Hahaha.”

“C-Could you tell me why you’re laughing?”

“Haa, haa… hm? Ah, that… is a se.cret.”

Mean. Another secret. Well, nothing I could do about it. She might tell me someday.

“Don’t worry.”

At her firm words, my thoughts stopped on their own and I focused only on what she was saying. Don’t worry about what?

“I’ll tell you. Definitely. I’ve decided.”

“…You’ll tell me?”

“Yeah, hehe. It’s just not the time yet.”

That day, the secret my senior said she would tell me.

I had no idea.

That the day I would learn that secret was closer than I thought.

And that not long after learning it… this long prologue would come to an end.