The Reunion with My First Love 2
That sentence from Chohee—"So, when I tried to act like I didn’t know, I should have just walked away"—kept me turning it over in my mind for a long time. Did she mean she’d given me the chance not to get tangled up with her? Why? Well, maybe she was trying to stick to me like some kind of life-sucking drama character? The mighty Song Chohee doing something that tacky? Or just sleeping around? Had I exposed her secret, the one she never wanted anyone to know? Only after listening to her next words did the truth hit me. “I didn’t want to disappoint Oppa.” Without realizing it, I had disappointed her. A mix of early pregnancy was bad enough, but not knowing the baby’s father was still a full drop in our country’s social norms. Anyway, what was done was done. And at this point, I had no right to scold her—I’d been the one who vanished for so long. Now I finally understood why the radiant Song Chohee had shrunk so much. I started choosing my words with the utmost care. “Chohee, if I was rude to you, I’m sorry. Can you let your loving Oppa hear the details?” Chohee’s lips, still sipping from her drink, were teasingly seductive even now. But the words coming from that tempting mouth were even more lethal. After college she discovered how much she loved to party. She liked the taste of alcohol and even got a thrill from the occasional cigarette. So beautiful and wild, no guy could just ignore her. Her first sexual experience at university was mind-blowing. Meeting one man made her curious about the next, and lying with him only made her crave the one after. That carefree life had led to her not having her period suddenly. She honestly didn’t know who it was or even want to find out. They were all rough guys. I crossed my legs fast to hide my obvious lower half and asked carefully, checking every word. “Chohee, you had lots of admirers, but none of them attracted you.” “I was like that back then too.” “Still like that?” “I must’ve gone crazy for a while and fallen for some guy. Now I can’t even stand the sight of men.” I felt strangely bitter. As a guy who’d never even managed one proper relationship, hearing her story was like something from another world. The fact that she hadn’t even gone all the way was a secret. Yet a younger Chohee had already become an adult. It felt odd—jealous, angry, and strangely excited. How sexy would a glamorous beauty like her be in bed? Especially with that graceful, sweet voice moaning… ‘Stop this crazy thought!’ Could I really fantasize about my own sister? I calmed myself and focused on her again. I didn’t even notice that my questions were feeding my own twisted imagination. “How many guys were you with, then? Five?” Chohee folded one of my five fingers myself. “What? If it’s four it’s normal…” “Around forty?” “Insane, forty?” “Tone it down, Oppa.” “Hey, when I was in third year my whole class was thirty-two people. Are you really forty?” “If you count the ambiguous ones, it’s even more.” Insane. What even were the ambiguous ones? Honestly, that stung a bit. I wondered if yesterday’s ex would still call me an ambiguous guy. For a moment Chohee’s chest pushed out her shirt, and I struggled to ignore that devilish volume. I slipped into mature big-brother mode. “So you’re raising the baby alone?” “That’s what’s going to happen.” “Did your parents know?” “If they did, they’d probably send me back to the countryside.” “You’re not telling them? I could tell them instead.” “Oppa, that’s just as bad as telling the baby to get rid of it.” Right, Chohee’s dad was the kind of hothead who’d show up with clippers himself. “Hey, raising a kid alone is really tough.” “Oppa, you always say stuff like that to make people feel bad.” “I’m worried about you, that’s all.” “I was going to run away just now.” An iced Americano couldn’t touch the emptiness in my chest right now. I couldn’t suggest abortion and I couldn’t push her to have the baby. Plus Chohee’s eyes were full of the resolve never to lean on anyone. Chohee, why are your shoulders so delicate? It hurt even more. * * * Chohee lived in a place close to our company. We walked side by side through the neighborhood. The gap between our shoulders was so small it almost touched. The shampoo scent from Chohee’s long hair tickled my nose. “So you’re living alone, Chohee?” “No.” “Oh, you have a roommate?” “I’m living with the baby.” The guy’s mouth was moving again. Even someone like me, who usually got called precise and neat, had never talked to a pregnant woman before. “Ah, sorry. I keep messing up.” “It’s fine. I’m the one who’s sensitive.” Tap tap tap. While we walked in silence, Chohee asked something—almost her first question. “Do you have a girlfriend?” “We broke up yesterday.” “Why?” I didn’t want to tell Chohee the ugly story of getting dumped. Hearing that I couldn’t even go far in physical intimacy because I was still a virgin at this age sounded too shameful. But Chohee didn’t know how dirty my fantasies were and she kept telling me everything, including her first time. Of course, I couldn’t understand how someone could have done that in a place as holy as Junco. “It’s embarrassing, but I was bored.” “Oppa’s face is plenty entertaining.” Chohee was laughing more now than in the café. Thanks to that, her soft voice— the one that made me lose my mind—was truly intoxicating. “It’s not that. Actually, I’m kind of inexperienced.” “Yeah, you look that way.” “Yeah, how could I ever handle you? That’s why I got dumped.” “If it’s a breakup yesterday, it must hurt.” “It does sting a little, but I’d been waiting for it.” I’d known for about four months that things were over with my ex. She’d drink too much, disappear, get into clubs, and keep exchanging DMs with her ex. “What a bad girl.” Even when I told her the story in the dirtiest way possible, Chohee’s reaction stayed thoughtful. She wasn’t as carefree as before, but she listened with a calm, mature air. The quiet, refreshing twenty-four-year-old Song Chohee once again made me feel small. “We’re here. I live here.” The officetel looked like it was at least thirty floors. “An officetel? It looks nice.” “Yeah, I like it. So don’t worry.” “What unit?” “Secret. Anyway, I have to go, Oppa.” After coming this far, just leave? Ah, of course it wasn’t like the usual alpha males who’d barge in and do whatever they wanted. “I’ll leave, but at least give me your contact. Let’s meet often.” “No need. It can just end here.” The word “end” from Chohee’s mouth sounded so sharp. No, it was the hidden meaning behind it. She was promising she wouldn’t become a burden to anyone, no matter what. So what exactly was she trying to protect? The baby in her belly? Or her pride? I wanted to help with either. Even after the baby was born, the hardships wouldn’t stop. I wanted to be there for her, like the old sibling days, to hold her hand. I had to. “Stop bragging and tell me your number.” “There are five people who’ve been stalking me.” “Keep doing that and I’ll find out your parents’ numbers? My mom still has hers, right?” We had a little standoff. “I said I don’t even want to see a guy?” “Do I look like a guy? I’m basically your big brother, your big brother.” In the end Chohee looked away first. “In exchange, promise me one thing. The baby is my secret and it’s my business—you don’t get involved.” “Got it.” Chohee linked her pinky with mine. The light touch felt like the softest blanket, erasing every worry in the world. When our thumbs touched, Chohee’s nail gently pressed against my fingertip. What was that? Why did my heart race like I was a middle-schooler secretly exchanging love letters with a crush? Of course I was walking with her, and some people had even seen us. But right now I couldn’t hear a single sound. In the end the words slipped out. “Chohee, you’re really beautiful.” “Thank you.” “Ah, no, that’s not it. You were talking about your nail art, right? I—” Chohee looked at me like she could see straight into my thoughts. My face was probably as red as a tomato right now. “I have no idea why this is so boring.” “What?” “Nothing. Give me your phone.” I had to pull out my phone quickly and use some ridiculous juggling move to keep it from dropping. “I’m leaving.” “Yeah, go on in. Chohee.” Chohee’s back, her gait, even the way she waited for the elevator looked beautiful. Only I remained on the street, and my phone now held Chohee’s number. What should I save it as? Calling it Song Chohee felt like ignoring my own feelings. Using her childhood nickname Ssongjjo sounded childish. I kept deleting and rewriting it until I finally gave in and chose whatever felt right. Saving it as ChSR—first love—felt too cheesy. I texted ChSR. Chohee, go in carefully and call me often, 3:52 PM Chohee, if you need anything, call me anytime, 3:52 PM I slipped my phone into my pocket and deliberately took a long detour home. I needed to get to know the area Chohee lived in—where things were and weren’t, what was safe and dangerous. Just as the subway station came into view, my phone rang. ChSR, Oppa, go in carefully too, 4:21 PM ChSR, if you’re heartbroken, don’t drink too much, 4:21 PM My dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin—whatever chemical was flooding my brain felt like it was exploding. I got butterflies from a message that wasn’t even anything special. Had I really dumped the guy yesterday? With my racing heart I looked toward Chohee’s officetel from the subway exit. Chohee’s face seemed to float in the blue sky. Still, I’d somehow walked around for thirty whole minutes.