3. Reincarnation or Possession? (2)
3. Reincarnation or Possession? (2)
Even winning awards at ceremonies doesn't bring me joy anymore.
Back in my previous life, just standing on this stage once was my dream, but now it's turned into a spot where I have to force out an acceptance speech while fake-crying.
"This is all thanks to all of you. PD-nim, Director-nim, and everyone who helped me. It's because of them that I can stand here today."
"And I want to say I love you to my mom, who's always supported and watched over me—"
I say it while forcing out tears, trembling my voice, staring straight at the camera.
It's such a corny melodrama, seriously.
Anyone hearing this would curse me out for whining like a spoiled brat...
But ever since I realized even winning the Best Actress Award wouldn't get recognition from Kaho, every award feels the same.
That hollow feeling of, 'Does this really mean anything?'
Even up on the awards stage with lights blinding my eyes, feeling that way made me lose sight of what to aim for in this life.
'I thought succeeding as an actress would at least get a little acknowledgment from Kaho...'
All I ever wanted was one thing.
Just to hear Kaho say, "As expected, you're my daughter." Even a blatant lie would do—I'd clawed my way forward desperately for that one sentence.
But Kaho has no intention of ever recognizing me as her 'daughter.' Even after winning the Best Actress Award, even two years in a row, Kaho just treats me like a monster.
Like an unidentified monster wearing her daughter's skin.
Every time I meet Kaho's disgusted gaze, it feels like my skin's peeling off, exposing my previous life's self completely.
Even after living 17 years in Miyagi's body, I'm still acting as Kaho's daughter while wearing the mask of Miyagi.
That's why, even after so long in this body, life as Miyagi still doesn't feel natural at all.
Just like Kaho says, it feels like I'm borrowing Miyagi's body, so I have to be extra careful with it—no scars, nothing—to keep it pristine.
So that if the real Miyagi ever comes back someday, at least Miyagi and Kaho might hate the body-snatcher me a little less.
At least hear something like, "You weren't a monster who abused the body..."
That's why even today, I keep acting like the perfect person.
I grit my teeth to make sure anyone who sees me thinks I'm worthy of respect.
Because that's the only thing I can do right now.
**
""Good work, everyone~!""
The set that now feels more like home than familiar. As the ceiling lights suddenly flick off, the filming staff start exchanging tired "good work" greetings.
I squeeze my eyes shut tight for a moment to rest them, then open them again. Way over there, the PD comes trotting up to me with a "good work" and a greeting.
"You've been through a lot too, Miyagi-yang. How do you not get a single NG today either? Impressive."
"I'm just acting, you know? No NGs is thanks to PD-nim's great directions."
"R-Really? Thanks for saying that. I never knew it'd make me this happy to have an actress who gets my directions. The seniors weren't wrong—"
Today was the final shoot for the romance drama Spring Day After the Snow Clears that we'd been filming. Being a short 12-episode miniseries, it wasn't too grueling...
"Oh, you're coming to the after-party tonight, right? I know you're busy, Miyagi-yang, but... I'd really appreciate it if you joined this one..."
"Ah... the after-party..."
They always do one after wrapping, which is a bit of a pain. Sure, it's part of social life, but honestly, I don't like these things.
Go to an after-party where I can't drink, have to watch my diet, and end up babysitting the drunks? Might as well work.
"I'll check my next schedule with Manager and—"
Just as I'm mumbling a non-committal refusal.
"Unni, you skipped last time too—gonna skip again? Come on, let's go together this time~ Yeah? Don't bail on after-parties just 'cause you're popular now~ You always came with me back in the day~"
"Ugh! Shizuka..."
Shizuka, the supporting actress from the drama, starts kneading my shoulders to block any refusal.
We've acted together since our child actor days, so I can call her a close little sis, but this personality of hers is seriously troublesome.
"PD-nim's treating us to wagyu this time~ Let's go grease our stomachs for once~ Yeah~? It'll be boring without you, unni~"
"Ah— Fine, fine, just stop shaking me. You're making me nauseous."
Shizuka grabs my shoulders and starts shaking me like crazy, so I end up agreeing to the after-party. Anyway, I was planning to rest after today's shoot...
Sacrificing rest to network at an after-party is still for Miyagi's sake. I sigh deeply and brush off Shizuka's hands from my shoulders like dusting them off.
"PD-nim, I'll join the after-party tonight. If I skip again, Shizuka's gonna harass me."
"G-Good choice! Everyone'll be thrilled if you come, Miyagi-yang! Bureau Chief-nim's joining too, so order all the expensive stuff!"
"...You're not asking me to come just because Bureau Chief-nim's there, right?"
Did I hit the nail on the head? The PD flinches for a second, sighs, and makes a sorry face. That damn Bureau Chief...! Has he been bullying the newbie PD 'cause he hasn't seen me lately...?
"......You know Bureau Chief-nim's a fan of you and Kaho-ssi, right? When he heard about the after-party, he threw a fit demanding I bring you..."
"What the... Wait, Shizuka, you're in on it too?"
"B-Bureau Chief-nim said he'd let us order unlimited wagyu if I brought unni..."
"You're an actress—how are you so gluttonous? Don't you manage your weight? Forgot getting chewed out last time 'cause your costume didn't fit?"
"Ah, no, that was 'cause I'm still growing..."
"Growing my ass... And you sold me out for some wagyu? No one in this industry is trustworthy..."
Well, Shizuka's just a barely 17-year-old kid, so her immaturity's forgivable, but the PD trying to use me? Kinda disappointing.
"PD-nim, you want me to play drinking buddy for Bureau Chief-nim?"
"M-Miyagi-yang, you know Bureau Chief-nim doesn't hassle anyone at after-parties, right? He just really wants to chat with you out of pure fandom...!"
"Then tell him to come to the set. Don't drag me to an after-party for it. When a big shot summons an actress to an after-party, everyone gets the wrong idea? Plus..."
No, this isn't the place to hash it out.
As I reply in an irritated tone, the PD ducks his head like a scared puppy, peeking at my expression.
'Well, a newbie PD with no seniority can't ignore Bureau Chief-nim's orders.'
This is all for networking and social life too. Letting the PD owe me one is an investment for later.
This godforsaken industry runs on connections. I sigh deeply, wave my hand dismissively, and tell the PD.
"...Whatever, just give me the place and time. I'll show up on schedule."
"Ah, th-thank you...!"
"And Shizuka, don't even think about following me today. I'm seriously pissed."
"M-Miyagi unni..."
"Tsk! Get lost?!"
I tsk at her like scolding a kid, and Shizuka slinks away like a puppy with its tail between its legs.
She skipped school so much from child acting that even at 17, she's got this childish side left.
Filming with her is exhausting, you have no idea. Her tagging along like a puppy 'cause she admires me is kinda cute...
'I wish she'd... grow up a bit now...'
Makes me worry if such a naive kid can survive long in this industry. Someone needs to give her a good scolding...
**
In my previous life, I loved after-parties. Hate 'em now, though.
Not for the free booze or meat on the company card—I loved the vibe you only get at after-parties.
After wrapping a shoot, even as an extra with a few lines, that pride of being part of the broadcast would swell up.
I loved that sense of belonging you only feel at after-parties.
All the actors and crew mixed together, chattering happily about shoot stories.
I still don't hate that vibe.
If anything, I miss it so much I crave getting drunk and laughing it up right now.
But I can't act like that while wearing Miyagi's mask.
Like it or not, I'm Wakayama Kaho's daughter, the national actress, and a hot rising star myself.
Even at a private crew gathering, I can't get sloppy drunk in front of people.
So, I hardly ever touch alcohol. Afraid I'd blurt out my real feelings if I get loose-lipped.
'Well... I do have a drink alone sometimes...'
And I don't eat too much either. Miyagi's body unfortunately gains weight fast, so strict dieting is the only way to keep this figure.
Plus, I've got a model shoot tomorrow...
'Ate three pieces of meat today... Gotta do calorie blockers tomorrow.'
The kind of ascetic life others would call brutal.
It was hell at first, but after a decade-plus, I can watch Shizuka pig out right in front of me and just shrug.
"That good?"
"Yeah! Unni, you sure you won't have more? Bureau Chief-nim said order whatever!"
"Unni's got an early morning shoot tomorrow... Can't eat too much."
I pick up a piece of meat from the grill and hold it to Shizuka's lips. She shyly opens wide and chomps it down deliciously.
Watching her eat so heartily just lifts my mood. I get why parents feel full seeing their kids eat.
Feeling a subtle maternal love, I watch Shizuka munch away when the PD next to me suddenly shifts seats...
"Miyagi-yang, long time no see. Doing well?"
A familiar middle-aged face plops down beside me. The MBC Drama Bureau Chief, such a huge Kaho fan he was called her exclusive PD.
And...
"...Of course, I've been great. How about you, Bureau Chief-nim?"
"Bureau Chief-nim? Why so formal? I told you to call me Uncle at casual spots like this!"
"Haha... After-parties aren't casual..."
The guy who, when I was three, advised Kaho to go on that Parenting Variety Show.
That's this guy right here.