I Don't Want to See That Side of You
The darkness that had filled my vision suddenly brightened, and a familiar ceiling came into view.
It was the hospital ceiling.
Of all things, the first thing to greet me when I opened my eyes was the hospital ceiling. The memory of that moment surged back, and I squeezed my eyes shut again.
I wished it had all been a dream, but I knew that wasn't possible.
“Jung-woo!!”
A familiar voice reached my ears. I turned my head toward the sound and saw Chae-yeon looking at me. I wasn't dead or anything, so why was she making that kind of face? And when did Mom even get here?
“Jung-woo, are you okay?”
“Yeah… I think I'm fine. Probably. Why did you come, Mom? I'm okay.”
“What do you mean you're okay? You're going to drive me insane.”
“It's not like this is the first time he's collapsed.”
“Oh, sure, brag about it!! Aigoo, my stomach is going to burst from stress.”
In truth, I wasn't okay at all. Every inch of my body throbbed and felt heavy, like I'd been beaten all over. And though faint, that persistent ringing in my ears was still there.
Still, with Mom right in front of me, I couldn't exactly say I wasn't fine.
“They said you collapsed. Was it too much for you?”
“I guess you could call it exhausting. I don't really know. It just suddenly got weird.”
“What caused it?”
“Chae-yeon pointed out a patient, so I looked at him. He was in almost the exact same situation I used to be in…”
“I'm sorry.”
The conversation I'd been having with Mom was cut off by Chae-yeon's single sentence. I'd never heard her voice like this before. It had always been bright and clear.
“Hey, why are you apologizing? What did you do wrong?”
“If I hadn't told you to look at that patient, you wouldn't have collapsed.”
“That was just… Chae-yeon?”
A small teardrop fell onto the back of Chae-yeon's hand. She kept her head bowed low. Tears streamed endlessly from beneath the curtain of her hair.
“I really didn't know anything.”
“You didn't know, so why are you suddenly crying?”
“I should have paid a little more attention…”
I looked at Mom, hoping for some help. But she just smiled gently and patted my shoulder a few times.
“Talk with Chae-yeon for a bit. Mom will go calculate the emergency room fees and make a quick call.”
“Uh, Mom?”
Mom gave me one more smile before leaving the emergency room. Now it was just the two of us. For some reason, there weren't many patients in the ER, making the space feel even quieter.
“That… It's not your fault. So stop crying.”
“I'm sorry… I'm really sorry.”
“No, stop saying you're sorry. It wasn't a situation where you could have done anything.”
This was driving me crazy. I'd fought with other guys before because I couldn't read their emotions, and now I had to try to empathize with a girl's feelings? My hand hovered awkwardly around Chae-yeon as she kept repeating that she was sorry.
“I'm fine now. Want to go eat pasta?”
“…”
“Or, uh, how about we take a walk outside? I kind of want to walk too.”
“…”
Wow, I was screwed. I really didn't know what to do. How was I supposed to speak or act to show empathy here?
I was the one who wasn't feeling well, yet the atmosphere made it seem like I should give up the bed I was lying on to Chae-yeon. The nurses and doctors were all glancing our way. This was making me feel like the villain.
“Oh, right. That just reminded me. When we were kids, you saw me crying and teased me like crazy. This is the complete opposite.”
Yeah. Total miss.
I'd said it to lighten the mood, but it had the opposite effect. She suddenly radiated a murderous aura. I had no idea how to handle this situation. Saying I was fine didn't help. Saying it wasn't her fault didn't help. Cracking a joke didn't help.
“Since when… has this been happening?”
“It's not really something that started at a specific time. It's trauma from the surgery.”
“Does this happen a lot?”
“Yeah… it used to. But it's gotten a lot better. I didn't collapse once in the past year.”
“So you collapsed because of me. I'm sorry.”
Mom, when are you coming back? I really want to see you right now.
I searched for Mom even more desperately than I had as a child, but she didn't show herself at all. At this point, was she watching from somewhere nearby?
“That… I think your smiling face looks much better.”
Maybe the words I blurted out in desperation were the right ones. When Chae-yeon heard me, she slowly lifted her bowed head and showed her face.
“You probably did your makeup today, right? Won't it all come off if you keep crying?”
“…I didn't wear any.”
“Your eye makeup is smudged. Whoa. Hey, I'm a patient. Don't hit me.”
I was startled by the sudden killing intent, but I felt a little relieved. Yeah, this face looked way better than when she was crying.
“It's awkward seeing you cry. You didn't even cry when you got badly hurt as a kid, so why are you crying over something like this?”
“It's different from back then.”
“I guess it is different.”
“I found out what was happening to you. It was scary.”
Well, if I were in her position and the person next to me suddenly collapsed, I'd probably be terrified too, with all sorts of thoughts racing through my head.
“I'm perfectly fine now, so you don't have to be scared. It was just a little incident.”
“Why are you talking about it so lightly? It's your body.”
“I'm used to it now? I'm basically a glass cannon, so things like this happen a lot.”
“I should have paid more attention. I'm sorry.”
Emergency!! Code red!! Chae-yeon's face was darkening again!!
The siren blaring in my head made my actions urgent. Ah, damn it. What am I supposed to do?
Whatever, I don't know anymore.
“Moo-hae? (What are you doing?)”
“Stop sulking and smile already.”
“Na. (Let go.)”
“I'll let go if you say you'll smile.”
“Seum, i, il. (Three, two, one.)”
“Releasing. Please be gentle. I'm still a patient. Ow!! This patient is getting hit!”
“I'm the only one taking this seriously.”
“See? You look so much better when you smile.”
When I saw Chae-yeon let out a small chuckle, a laugh slipped out of me too. There she was—the Chae-yeon I knew. The one who was always smiling and busy teasing me.
“Are you really okay now? Does anything hurt?”
“Yeah, I'm really fine. I think I can get up now. The IV is done anyway.”
I called over a nurse, had the IV needle removed from the back of my hand, and got up from the bed. But at that moment, my legs suddenly gave out and I staggered. Chae-yeon quickly stepped in and caught me.
“I thought you said you were fine.”
“I am fine now. Excuse me. Is it just me, or does that glare make me a little scared?”
“If you collapse while walking, I'll just leave you there.”
“Then I'll grab onto your ankle.”
“Go ahead. I'll just step on you and ignore it.”
“If you ignore me, I'll scream to the whole neighborhood that you abandoned me and make a huge scene.”
“Are you an elementary schooler? You never lose an argument.”
“Not an elementary schooler. I was a patient until just a moment ago.”
“Ugh, seriously. You're exactly the same as when you were little.”
As we talked and stepped outside, Mom, who had been pretending to be on an urgent call, quickly put her phone away. I knew it. What phone call? She'd been waiting outside the whole time.
“Son, we're going home, right?”
“I'm fine now, so… yeah, let's go home. Chae-yeon threatened me with a knife and told me to.”
“When did I?! I just looked at you. Don't make things up.”
“Ugh, so noisy. It finally feels like I'm seeing the two of you as kids again. I'd love to drive you myself, but I rushed out and need to get back to school.”
“It's fine. We can take a taxi.”
“Chae-yeon, could I ask you to take Jung-woo home?”
“Yes, Auntie. I'll do that.”
Inside the taxi, I could feel Chae-yeon's gaze constantly fixed on me. I tried to ignore it as much as possible, but she was staring pretty intensely.
“What? What is it?”
“You told Auntie you were fine too, didn't you?”
“I said that because I am fine.”
“What if something big happens later? You should tell Auntie everything, even the small things.”
I had no answer to that. Because the exact situation she described had already happened once before. I didn't want to tell Mom about every little thing. If I told her anything, it would be about my body. But whenever I did, Mom would always end up crying in front of me. What child in the world wants to see their parents cry?
“I'm hungry. When we get home, want to eat pasta? You said you wanted to try the one I made last time.”
“Don't change the subject…”
-Gurgle!!
“Looks like you're hungry too. Let's stop by the convenience store on the way and buy some ingredients. We probably don't have any at home.”
“You've changed a lot. You weren't like this when we were kids.”
“You just said I hadn't changed at all from when I was little.”
“Now you seem completely different.”
“You said it yourself. How many people stay exactly the same as they were as kids? I'm the same. I've just changed with time.”
“You're really leaving me with nothing to say. If the pasta tastes bad, I'm flipping the table.”
“When you say that, it actually sounds like you might, and that scares me.”
“What do you even think of me to be scared of that?”
“Is there anything else you want to eat besides pasta?”
“Hmm… steak?”
“Where did the person who said she wouldn't eat anything bought with Mom's card go? We'll have to stop by the butcher shop too.”
I got to see a new side of Chae-yeon. Seeing this new side should have made me happy, but even as the mood lightened, my heart remained heavy.
That new side of Chae-yeon…
I never wanted to see it again.