Midterm Exams (1)
"As you can see, mana is..."
Halfway through the lecture, I glanced down at the Seal of the Crow hanging from my left hand and smiled to myself.
Now this is what I call peace of mind.
It was basically a free pass to snag information, items, whatever I wanted from the underworld at a fraction of the going rate.
Sure, the Burrow Family necklace I'd originally been after had turned out to be a worthless piece of junk, but scoring this instead was more than enough to keep me happy.
Though the little remark Cuz Newman dropped at the very end did weigh on my heart a bit.
"What do you think of my son? Quite the fine-looking young man, isn't he?"
At first, I had no idea what he meant by that.
I just assumed he was another Benedict — a doting father desperate to brag about his kid.
So I humored him.
Whether I liked it or not, the fact remained that Chester Newman was a good-looking boy.
⟨Child. Do you understand the meaning of what that man just said?⟩
"He just wants to brag about his kid, doesn't he?"
⟨Good grief. I knew it.⟩
It was only after Grandpa explained things afterward that I finally understood what Cuz Newman had been saying.
Words from a noble house, he told me, always carry a hidden meaning.
That particular remark had been an inquiry into whether I held affection for his son.
How was I supposed to know that?!
I'm a modern-day person, not some fantasy-world aristocrat!
The moment I grasped the situation, I wanted to issue a correction — but there wasn't a single opening to seize.
Cuz Newman had already swallowed me whole with that silver tongue of his, coiling around me like a serpent.
You wretched old man. You were planning this from the very beginning, weren't you?
And here I wondered why you handed over the Seal of the Crow so obediently — you were scheming to tie me to you by marriage?!
Weren't you supposed to be a father who loved his son?!
Then why on earth would you think about selling your own son off to a mesugaki?
Do you actually want to watch someone call your boy a weakling♡ loser♡ to his face?
Do you seriously intend to keep a daughter-in-law who goes around saying stuff like 'scrubby little balding heir♡'?
What value did you possibly see in me that drove you to commit such an atrocity?!
Ugh. That sneaky pervert Cuz Newman.
Your forehead keeps getting wider because you put your heart to such wicked use, you know.
Even your own hair is so sick of your vicious mind that it's running away.
Got it?!
What grated on me even more was that after that, Cuz Newman never once let his little schemes show again.
If he'd given me an opening, I would have argued my case — but like a cold, calculating businessman, he stuck strictly to business, and there was nothing I could do about it.
"I will, of course, grant you the Seal of the Crow. For the time being, however, kindly route your requests through Alsaetin. Our infrastructure is still lacking. Before long, we shall be sending one of our own people to that establishment."
Choking down everything I wanted to say, I left the mansion — and like a child defeated in a war of words, I could do nothing but replay the whole scene in my head, agonizing over all the comebacks I should have delivered.
Even now, it makes my blood boil.
Forget the fact that he was my business partner — I should have just used the Mesugaki Skill and provoked him outright.
"Lady Aln?"
I was still smothering my indignation when a voice called my name, and I lifted my head.
The mana theory professor was staring straight at me.
Why can't this woman ever give up?
No matter what trials and tribulations you throw at me, I have Grandpa on my side.
Every single time you've asked a question, I've handed you the best possible answer — and you still doubt me.
You just don't like me, don't you? Admit it.
"Could you summarize the explanation I gave just now?"
"Grandpa."
⟨I refuse.⟩
"Huh?"
Grandpa? Why all of a sudden?
You and I were a match made in heaven, weren't we?
The perfect team — I'd give you the barest hint and you'd deliver without missing a beat.
What change of heart made you decide to throw a tantrum today of all days?
"Why are you doing this to me?!"
⟨The more I think on it, the more I see that I have indulged your whims far too much. For the sake of your refinement, I ought to have learned by now to shove you off the cliff's edge on occasion.⟩
What did I ever do wrong?!
Is this because you didn't get your morning polishing today?
It's not like a weapon can't get a little dirty now and then!
Cornered, I begged him — promised I'd behave, pleaded for just a little help — but Grandpa answered with stony silence.
"Lady Aln?"
Grandpa! Lucy Aln will never forget this!
Remember that, at the very least!
What do I do?
How do I climb out of this crisis?
Frantically racking my brain, I suddenly remembered the function the Useless Chief God had gifted me just yesterday.
The Log!
That's it. If I use that function, I'll know exactly what the mana theory professor said.
I yanked open the log window and desperately scrolled upward, hunting for the professor's words.
"What in the world do you think you are doing?"
Found it.
So this is...
[Mana Theory Professor]: "As you can see, mana is..."
"Just as the old bat professor said, mana is..."
Having wriggled out of the trap the mana theory professor had laid for me with a flash of desperate improvisation, I headed straight for the Soul Academy bathrooms.
Why? Because I had to get revenge on Grandpa, obviously.
If you wanted to give me advice, fine — but why shove my back the instant a trial appeared in front of me?
If you push a bird that doesn't know how to spread its wings off a cliff, does a bird come out of it? No. It falls to the ground and cracks its skull open.
Luckily, I'd spread my wings before face-planting — otherwise I would have been utterly humiliated.
Which is why: revenge.
Someone who tries to crack another person's head deserves repayment with his own.
⟨Child! Do you not realize all of this was for your own good?!⟩
"And I'm doing this for your sake too, Grandpa. Every weapon deserves a bath now and then."
⟨What manner of bathwater is toilet water?!⟩
"What's the problem? There's nothing in there. It might even be cleaner than seawater, you know. Got it? It's just water, so hold your breath and dive right in."
Ah, right. Grandpa isn't technically a living person, so he doesn't actually need to hold his breath.
Even better.
With Grandpa's shrieks of agony echoing from where his body was submerged deep inside the toilet bowl as my background music, I turned my thoughts back to what had just happened.
Back when I was playing the game, the Log function was honestly a pretty pointless feature.
It just told you character dialogue, listed the items you'd picked up, showed how much EXP you'd gained — that sort of thing.
Maybe someone unfamiliar with games would care, but for a hardcore veteran of Soul Academy like me, it was a button with no reason to ever be touched.
Back when this was a game, I could roll every variable around in the palm of my hand — why on earth would I dig through logs?
Character dialogue?
Listening to lines I'd already heard dozens, hundreds, thousands of times? Pointless.
What's the point of hearing dialogue when I've got the next line the speaker says memorized?
But this world isn't a game. It's reality.
A world where I can't control every variable.
And here, the Log function carried far more weight than I'd ever given it credit for.
Just look at how casually I answered the old bat professor's question a moment ago.
This was, without question, an incredibly useful ability for me.
Unfortunately, the scroll had a length limit, so it couldn't record everything that had ever happened — but this much was more than enough.
⟨Hnnnngggghhh.⟩
After soaking in the water for ages, savoring the full bouquet of the bathroom's aroma, Grandpa let out a groan that sounded like a man emerging from genuine torture.
This old man's acting skills are no joke.
Did he think painting me as the villain would make me hesitate?
"Grandpa. Talk. Are you going to pull this stunt again?"
⟨Do you think such theatrics will make me yield?! I shall say nothing at all until you acquire the ability to solve your own problems!⟩
"Oh. Is that so?"
Grandpa. You don't realize it, but I've just acquired a truly magnificent ability.
Even if you refuse to help me during the Academy exams, I have methods to spare.
The log's scroll length has its limits, so I can't record several days' worth — but a single day? That's plenty.
Skim through the material on the test syllabus beforehand, and from that point on it's basically an open-book exam!
Even without Grandpa's help, a perfect score is already as good as mine!
⟨Are you bluffing?⟩
"A bluff? If you want to believe it's a bluff, go right ahead and believe it."
⟨...Wait. What is it you have obtained?⟩
"That's right! I—"
BANG. Mid-conversation with Grandpa, the bathroom door flew open without warning.
The girl who'd swung it open mid-giggle with her friend froze solid the instant her eyes met mine. It took a good two seconds for reality to catch up with her.
"Ah. Um. Uh. S-sorry!"
Seizing her friend by the hand, the girl fled — and once the sound of their footsteps had faded completely, I wiped my face and let out a long sigh.
⟨...Uh. Child?⟩
"Shut it, Grandpa."
⟨...Very well.⟩
What bizarre rumor was going to spread this time, I wondered.
"People have been spreading the strangest rumors about you lately, Lady Aln. This time, they're saying you were smashing toilets to pieces with your mace inside the bathroom."
Strange rumors about me were nothing new — an everyday occurrence, really — but watching Joy bristle with outrage, declaring that this one had crossed every possible line, I found myself unable to offer a single word in reply.
It was a little distorted, but it wasn't exactly wrong.
Those girls couldn't possibly have imagined that I'd been waterboarding a mace in toilet water, after all.
"Hearing that story from the other young ladies, I was positively furious on your behalf."
"...Joy. I'm fine, really."
"Airhead Lady. Do you have time to spare worrying about me? Puhu. Someone might mistake you for having grown less airheaded."
"And what's wrong with that?"
Joy grumbled about me brushing off her concern, so I teased her about having a narrow heart — and she promptly shut her mouth and turned her head away with a pout.
Watching her like that, I could feel just how much closer we'd grown since we first met.
At this point, calling us friends wouldn't be a stretch, would it?
Getting to be friends with my favorite character — I'm so happy I could cry.
Every time I saw that side of her, it felt like compensation for all the hardships I'd endured to get here.
Ahh. But if this keeps up, what am I supposed to do if Joy comes to me for romantic advice someday?
For the sake of Joy's happy future, would I have to grit my teeth and bear it?
Wrestling with thoughts like these, I suddenly understood why Benedict had made such a fuss about what he'd do if I ever got a sweetheart.
Granted, there was one colossal difference between Benedict and me.
My odds of ever romancing another human being sat somewhere near zero — but Joy was a different story, wasn't she?
Hmm. Maybe I should start preparing my heart in advance.
"A-anyway. Oh! That's right. Lady Aln, Lady Kent — are you both preparing for the midterm exams?"
Perhaps she'd decided that if this went on, the teasing would never stop. Joy frantically changed the subject.
Her motive was transparent as glass, but I graciously agreed to play along.
"Of course."
"Who's worrying about whom? The Airhead Lady who lost to me in the entrance exams, that's who."
"This time will be different."
Will it, though?
Joy, I'll admit you're smart — but did you really think you could beat me at legal cheating?
I am invincible, and the Log function is a gift from God!
The log literally copies down the answers for me!
Just as I was puffing up my shoulders with confidence, a small voice drifted in from beside me.
"I'm leaving it up to heaven."
Frey said it with the same blank, unreadable face she always wore — an utterly absurd thing to declare.
Not something I should say as someone who once aimed for the Academy's special admission myself, but thank goodness this girl actually qualified for one.