Novels Are Just Novels... (2)
That Sun what's-his-name I met at Jiangxia — I don't know if he's always like this, but dear god, he never shuts up.
You're a guest. Shouldn't you stay quiet at least until you've trashed the place?
“Uwahaha! I lent a hand in that great battle as well!”
He's been to war too? Is that bluster or the truth?
“Oh my... isn't war terrifying?”
“Ah... my apologies.”
I just couldn't bring myself to watch hundreds of thousands of people dying, that's all — he's still a child. And nobody remembers Emperor Wu's dying words either, do they?
“We've almost arrived.”
“Yes...”
Hmm. Kids? We're cooked.
‘Agassi?’
‘Let's just behave and leave quietly...’
I even whispered to the kids, but this time it's hopeless. Mine don't get spooked no matter where we go — and this place is something else entirely.
Right in the middle of the castle, whether they've just returned from some campaign or are marching out for one, soldiers were spread out wall to wall. There wouldn't be a spare second for mischief here.
Looks like we picked a house that's far too rich?
‘There'll be good food, right?’
‘Will there, though?’
True, nothing here has suited our taste so far...
Had our fun, and now we're thoroughly ruined.
The moment the doors opened and we stepped in, people came rushing to escort us — and the household staff numbered in the dozens. Music drifted through the halls along with peals of laughter. “Haha!” “Hohoho!” Absolute pandemonium. And now the kids were being led off separately, away from me.
I'd better watch my mouth too, huh? I'll manage, but I'm worried sick about the kids.
The wealthy families of China really do live lavishly, or so I'd heard — they build lakes in their gardens, plant trees, haul in beautiful ornamental stones. I suppose you'd call that structure a pavilion? Built up high, perched right at the water's edge.
“Let's go up.”
“Yes.”
Apparently the servants weren't following us up here. Judging by the voices, it was just the older brother, his friend, and that friend's wife.
Clip, clip.
Ugh. Isn't this exactly like a new bride visiting her in-laws after the wedding? How did I end up like this?
So even thieving isn't easy. You really have to choose your targets carefully.
“Masters, Quan has arrived!”
“Oh! So he has!”
“You're here, Zhongmou.”
I'd heard on the way over that they spent their days brawling, and sure enough — every one of them had shoulders like slabs of meat. Built to hurt somebody.
My fate, indeed...
“I've also brought a guest.”
“Greetings. My surname is Sin, my given name Ha-eun. As a subject of Daehan, I have no courtesy name.”
Ugh. This is exhausting already...
“Oh... so it's you?”
“Zhongmou...”
First time they've seen a foreign beauty, huh, you brats.
“Come now, shouldn't the sisters-in-law greet her as well?”
The two lumps of muscle had been blocking my view, but there were people standing behind them too.
“My surname is Qiao, my given name Ling — please call me Da Qiao.”
“My surname is Qiao, my given name Xiang — please call me Xiao Qiao.”
Oh? For the first time in my life, I've met someone I'd genuinely call beautiful.
Well — the first one here in this Chinese land, to be precise. How should I put it? Ethereal? A figure so delicate she'd blow away on a breeze, skin white as snow — and those big eyes, those long lashes! I've never seen lashes like that in my life!
“Wow~ so pretty.”
“What's this, then? Uhu-hut.”
“What an amusing person. Ohohoho.”
Aigoo... I'd been staring like an idiot.
“Haha. Masters, madams — how can you carry on like that in their presence? You must exchange names properly!”
Rich, coming from you — weren't you talking the exact same way a minute ago?
“Ah! My surname is Sun, my given name Jian, my courtesy name Bofu. Welcome to our home.”
“My surname is Zhou, my given name Yu, courtesy name Gongjin. A pleasure.”
Confusing introductions, no? Isn't that a bit long?
So, that guy is Sun Quan, the older brother is Sun Jian, the friend is Zhou Yu, and the ladies over there are Qiao Ling and Qiao Xiang?
Uh... I really do think we picked the wrong house?
Aren't those the Da Qiao and Xiao Qiao sisters, of the Sun family of Wu?
Whoa! Kids? Is this a monster catch... or have we just gone bust?
“Uwahahaha!”
“Ohohoho!”
“Come, have another drink!”
What on earth was so funny to these people — pour, drink, pour, drink.
After a good long while, the men drifted into their own conversation — some battle here, some movement there that boded ill.
“Hoho. Men's talk is so dull, isn't it?”
“Let's have fun together, just us.”
I'd made new chew-toys. Yes — beautiful chew-toys are always welcome. Honestly, they're stunning. Only flaw: the chest and hips run a little small.
“Ha-eun, are you traveling?”
“Yes. I'm sightseeing through various countries.”
“You've been to many places?”
What do I do? Their era's a bit different from mine? Am I allowed to talk about it? It's not like I have anything better to talk about anyway. Eh, whatever.
“Yes. I followed the Steppe Road all the way to the distant West.”
“Oh my! Aren't the Xiongnu everywhere out there?”
Huh? Right, that's a thing — relations with the Xiongnu are bad around here, aren't they...
“We get along well enough.”
“Ah! So Daehan has no quarrel with the Xiongnu?”
Not like they can fly. They poked and probed for a while, watched the Han get utterly wrecked, and tucked their tails between their legs all on their own.
“It's a country you have to travel about a year to reach. The sea there is truly beautiful — like jewels.”
“How marvelous. The sea you can see from here is so murky...”
They won't be able to imagine it. Namdo comes close, but they wouldn't know a thing about that.
“Have you been anywhere else?”
“Yes. I visit Joseon now and then. Though honestly, there's nothing to do there. Haha.”
Joseon really does live so boringly that even visiting turns up nothing.
“I'm curious about something other than that, actually.”
“Yes? What would that be?”
The younger sister doesn't seem interested in this kind of thing, huh.
“Ha-eun, what cosmetics do you use?”
“I'm sorry — what's that?”
“Huh? You don't know?”
Don't know? What is it? Something you eat?
“Oh! Just a moment, if you'll excuse me?”
Rub-rub-rub.
“Uh. Mmph. Mmph.”
Huh? What? Is something on my face?
Scrub-scrub.
“Mmph. Uck?”
On a normal person, the skin would come right off! Are you insane?!
“Sister! This woman isn't wearing any makeup!”
“What did you say!?”
What does that even mean? Is this some new form of torture? You ask me a question and then won't answer it — it's like that, isn't it?
“...”
“...”
What now? Why are you two edging away from me like I'm some kind of monster?
“What's the matter with you both?”
“Ha-eun? Are you... human?”
“I am. Though I'm curious about you too.”
Huh? Did I get caught? Wasn't Qin Shi Huang supposed to have died carrying all my secrets to the grave?
“Hah. And here we are, dabbing and painting ourselves just to hear that we're pretty...”
“Sister... it's so unfair...”
Why the tearful faces? What strange creatures these are.
“Shall we just have a drink?”
“Yes...”
And with that, the two of them started pouring and drinking like lunatics in the corner — then were whisked off to their respective husbands and vanished.
What? What am I supposed to do now?
“Haha. Did you enjoy yourself?”
“In a manner of speaking.”
Enjoyment isn't really the point — I'm mostly thinking that maybe, just maybe, I might earn a brief cameo in the Romance of the Three Kingdoms.
“You all seem close.”
“My master and his friend are dear to each other. I hear he even seized a castle and took the sisters into his keeping.”
Huh? Did he steal them because they were pretty?
“They are honored as guests, but a battle looms before long.”
“Nothing to be done about that.”
Thank goodness. I can bolt the moment it starts.
“Might you not wait here until I return?”
Is he insane? The second he comes back, he's proposing marriage!
“I'm sorry. Wouldn't I have to return to my homeland?”
“Heh...”
Right. I'm going abroad to study! Let's part ways here, friend.
“Might we meet again?”
“If fate allows...”
I'd love to watch the Battle of Red Cliffs and more, but I suppose I won't run into it?
Should I just head home? How was I supposed to know when that war would break out? Hanging myself on one faction for years on end was a bit much, and no one seemed likely to make me a general anyway.
Come to think of it, it was all pointless, wasn't it? What do they call that again...?
I'd caught glimpses of a few other battles here and there, and ancient warfare amounts to nothing much — all that dramatic strategy from novels turned out to be entirely unnecessary. The side that prepared well wins. Especially the side with better morale.
Clip-clop. Clip-clop.
If I'd stayed, I could have spectated the Battle of Red Cliffs firsthand — but I was headed straight for becoming somebody's wife instead of a general, so I left.
“Kids. That was boring, wasn't it?”
“Yes. Riding the boat would've been more fun.”
Same here. Robbing this place wouldn't even be that entertaining anymore.
“Shall we go home, then?”
“Shall we?”
Boring. So boring~
A novel is a novel, and real life has no romance in it at all. Coming all this way accomplished nothing but shattering my illusions.
Ah — but I did confirm one thing! Beautiful women really do exist!
Also, China's food culture is filthier than I'd imagined?
They said Chinese cuisine was the finest in the world — it's dog slop! At this point, not one single thing the Chinese have claimed has turned out to be true. How is that possible?
Creak. Creak.
“...”
Whew... this is genuinely relaxing?
“What do you do in that rocking chair all day?”
“I don't know. Time just drifts by when I zone out in this thing?”
New hobby: rock-and-daze. Sit in the chair, creak back and forth, and suddenly your mind just... leaves? Days go by like that. Days!
This thing is basically a drug...
“You don't remember a single word I've said, do you?”
“Hm?”
Where am I? Who am I?
“War broke out between Joseon and Japan again.”
“Why this time?”
After living so quietly for so long?
“This time Japan invaded Joseon Territory.”
“Don't they have plenty of fortresses there by now?”
“Yes, so they got soundly beaten and pulled back.”
Then isn't that that?
“After that, they went north.”
“Dongdo? Shouldn't we consider that our land by now?”
“Yes. They got thoroughly trounced there too and withdrew.”
“Hm. Good for us.”
So what's the problem? Isn't everything fine?
“They have developed an extreme hatred of Joseon and Daehan.”
“What did we do?”
What kind of sickness is that? We didn't do anything — we just blocked them when they came.
“They despise that Joseon and Daehan speak the same language and wear the same clothes.”
“That's bullshit?”
“So they've opened up an enormous exchange with the Jin dynasty.”
Huh? There are more Daehan ships and Joseon ships than anyone can count — how did they even get past?
“How? They got past?”
“The bastards have some real grit, apparently. They sail due southwest for about a month, and when they spot an island nation out there, they turn and come up along the northwest.”
What kind of idiotic route is that? It's a perfect recipe for dying.
“How on earth do they arrive alive?”
“I'd guess the dead outnumber the living.”
“They must genuinely be insane...”
China, Japan — they're all lunatics, every last one of them? Or is it us who drive them mad?
“I don't know if it's just my imagination, but...”
“...?”
“Doesn't it seem like every country around us has lost its mind?”
We're the only sane ones left, aren't we?
“I hesitate to say this, but...”
“...?”
“Don't you think we're the craziest ones of all?”
“Why?”
Flutter — a map unfurled. This thing? What about it? Though the proportions do look strange? Why is Siberia so small? And why is Alaska so close?
“Our land is just too vast!”
“Are you insane? I didn't do it, did I?”
Why is this being thrown at me?
“I don't know! It's all because of your trees!”
“Trees are a good thing! What's wrong with handing them out?”
Somebody needs to find an off switch. Or do we have to starve them out before they come to their senses?
“People simply gather where life is good — what can anyone do about that?”
And how is that my fault?!
Is that... actually a fair point?
“No, but couldn't you draw the map properly? When I go up into the sky and look down, it doesn't look like this at all.”
“Oh? Then could you do something for me?”
“Do... do what?”
Why are you lunging at me with wild eyes? Are you trying to tackle me?
“Take someone up into the sky and have them draw the map!”
“Huh?”
Well now? That's... actually not a bad idea? Build some kind of box, go up, and just sketch the broad outlines — that would do the trick, wouldn't it?
Ah. Wait. No, it wouldn't...
“Sorry. If I go too high up, the air gets too thin and I can't breathe.”
“I'm sorry — why?”
Why? Because gravity weakens and there's barely any air up there, that's why! Though I don't exactly have a good way to explain that...
“For now — I'm terrible at drawing, so I'll sketch it roughly.”
“Yes, my lord!”
Scribble-scribble-scritch, scribble.
Left with no choice, I began sketching the continent, roughly if nothing else.
“Huh?”
It's strange, isn't it?
“Huh? Huh!?”
Completely different from the map you brought, right?
“What is this?”
“What do you mean, what is it — this is the shape of the lands around here. I don't know the mountains well enough, so I just drew it roughly.”
The kid's been struck speechless, huh? Is this ever going to be manageable?