A Novel Is Just a Novel... (1)
*Nom nom. Smack smack. Gulp gulp.*
"Ahhh~ now that's what wine should taste like~"
This is China, right in the middle of—how should I put it—chaotic times? The Emperor still technically exists, but the warlords have all decided they're the best thing since sliced bread and are currently tearing each other apart over it.
I'd been cooped up at home for so long that I got restless and came out to sightsee. China's actually gotten pretty fun to travel around, too. Inns everywhere you look, and the cities have multiplied like nobody's business! There are even proper roads now, so walk a little while and a decent rest stop just appears.
"They say one man's unified the entire north up there."
"Yeah, and now he's gathering soldiers left and right, swearing he'll unify all the land under heaven. Absolute madhouse, I tell you."
This is why taverns are fun. You can pick up every rumor in the region just by sitting around drinking. Then I go check out wherever the rumors point me.
I've already seen several battlefields, actually. No idea what the place names were or who was fighting whom, but still.
And this time I've even got an entourage. Experience has taught me that traveling alone always ends in some incident or disaster, so I brought a few of the kids along.
"Miss, there are a lot of eyes on you. Shall we take care of them?"
Looks like someone's been sneaking peeks at us again.
"No, why bother making a scene?"
"Yes, ma'am."
Although, honestly, if I leave these kids alone too long they're liable to cause trouble anyway.
"Just eat your food and drink your wine. It's good."
"Yes. Thank you for the meal."
There's a jar of wine on the table, but honestly, this much is just a palate cleanser for me. The kids can put it away pretty well themselves.
After wandering around for a while, I can tell—this place is an absolute mess.
Because we've swallowed up northern China and held it, all the water sources that should be up north have drained down south instead. Our own Cao Cao, Lord Mengde, is just sitting there occupying the north—and even with all the strategically vital points slipped out of his grasp thanks to us, the man is riding one victory after another.
Meanwhile, there's a capital sitting in the territory that used to be the Kingdom of Wu, and those people are serving their own Emperor while subjugating the other warlords.
I've heard Liu Bei's name floating around too, though things are awfully quiet on his end.
So. Probably? I've got a sad premonition that the Romance of the Three Kingdoms I knew isn't going to happen this time. And I enjoyed that book, too.
"Where should we go next?"
"Jiangxia, perhaps?"
"You've got the route mapped out?"
"We'll guide you there ourselves."
So we just drift around, sightseeing, poking our noses into whatever looks fun.
The imperial court still exists, technically, so they're still sending us tribute—but the way things look, they won't last much longer.
So I've been collecting payments as we go, and good grief, the amount of stuff these people have stashed away is staggering.
"Mount up, please."
"Mm. Thanks."
I'd intended to ride a horse whenever possible, but riding with a head this powerful just isn't happening. My brain rattles around too much.
The kids decided that was too pathetic to watch and bought a carriage. With money acquired here. Ahem, I mean collected here.
Two of them perched up on the driver's bench, one bringing up the rear.
*Crunch.*
"Chew while we ride."
Hand them each a big fat strip of dried jerky to gnaw on, and we're good to go.
Traveling like this, even bandits don't bother showing up. Very convenient. The kids are huge, for one thing, and each carries a blade.
It's part of my localization strategy, but the horses look like they'd struggle to carry an ordinary person at all.
Yeah. I couldn't ride one. Well, strictly speaking I sat on one, but swinging around on it was out of the question.
"Let's take it slow. If a horse breaks down, it's a pain."
"We'll just drag it along again. Haha."
Once, a horse did give out, and the kids dragged it the whole way. You should have seen the stares we got.
If a stranger saw that, they'd think I was abusing you all.
Still, having Subspace makes everything so easy. The moment things get urgent, I've got everything from armor to weapons to bows to camping gear to rations. There's literally nothing I don't have in there.
*Ding ti-ling tiririring ding ding.*
The road gets boring, so I'm practicing on a guitar-like instrument.
Word is, one of the kids picked it up somewhere in India. We fixed it up, improved the design, and now we use them too. Named it on a whim—Hyeonta*, "string pluck."
It's pleasantly heavy and sturdy. The strings are made from my own hair, so they never snap. Wonderful.
The wind instrument I used to practice on got tossed ages ago. I simply could not coax a decent sound out of it.
"Haha. Miss, your Hyeonta playing has improved so much."
"Uh. Yeah..."
I have a feeling I named it badly. I was going to call it "Julta"—string pull—but it came out half native script, half Chinese characters, so I just went with the Chinese. Now it sounds weird.
*Clip-clop. Clip-clop.*
What's that? That's not one of our horses.
"What is it?"
"Judging by the uniform and the face, it appears to be an urgent messenger dispatched from far away. Nothing to concern yourself with, Miss."
One of the two on the driver's bench had been scanning the surroundings with a spyglass, and apparently spotted it.
The whole era is one endless war, so couriers and messengers are a common sight on the roads.
"Even if it's bandits, who cares?"
"I kind of hope something shows up. My body's itching for action."
"Contain yourself. You can go play sentry tonight."
"Yes, ma'am."
Though speaking of which—the horses are apparently well-managed, because in all these vast plains I haven't seen a single horse thief. Not once.
I've never seen a horse except the ones pulling our carriage.
"Gil-ju, were horses expensive when you bought the carriage?"
"Very, Miss. Buy a horse, and the carriage practically comes as a free add-on."
Oh, so horses cost a fortune here? Meanwhile we just let ours roam free and breed, and now we have way too many of them.
"By the way, you kids are always out on the road like this—doesn't anyone get married?"
"Most of us already have, Miss?"
Huh? That's genuinely surprising? Isn't your whole life essentially one long business trip?
"Your wives don't mind?"
"We serve the nation, so they just tell us to make it back alive somehow."
Hm. Is that because my kids all have that stubborn, unbending streak?
They really do take on the nastiest jobs and get hurt—a lot. Even with Holy Water on hand, some of them come back missing limbs.
But somehow, they always make it back. Every single time.
"So how do you even have kids?"
"About five is considered a lot these days..."
"That is a lot..."
So in the middle of all that busyness, they manage to do that too. Truly patriots, every one of them.
Whether the horses were frail and slowing the carriage down or the land was just that vast, it took us four whole days to reach Hefei—a city I'd assumed was right next door.
"The land here really is enormous."
"Not as big as ours, Miss."
"True, but these folks probably think theirs is bigger."
Which is why they attack without a shred of fear, die leaving behind the strangest last words—and then their descendants behave themselves for all of, what, five minutes? The moment life gets comfortable, they'll come charging in again, mark my words.
"Let's get off the main road and find the biggest house in town."
"Yes, Miss."
The best inn was right along the main road—the building itself was huge, for one thing. And my evening's collection duties would take care of the bill, I was sure.
◆ DONGHWA INN ◆
"This appears to be the most famous establishment in town. Word is the chef studied cooking under an imperial chef of the previous generation."
Meeting an imperial chef is supposedly harder than meeting the Emperor himself, so that claim is nonsense.
"Well. It's all a lie either way, but let's check it out."
"Yes, Miss."
I just choose to read it as "it's at least that good."
"Ooh..."
"Wow."
"Hiccup."
I serve as a kind of bait, you see. Dressing up this pretty and parading around means the locals start spreading rumors about the gorgeous foreign noblewoman.
Then some rich family's dronelike suitors come buzzing over. I eat their food for a day, play along, charm them—and then bleed them dry completely!
And even if they get suspicious, so what? Everything's tucked away in Subspace. Search my luggage top to bottom and you'll find nothing.
"Miss, it's a bother, but please have your meal before going up."
"Mm. Got it."
I have to eat here so that they'll scramble off in a panic like that and go fetch their masters for me. Come to Mama, little rich boys!
"Hm. Boring."
"Agreed. The food is awfully plain. It seems they only use salt, at most."
They could just buy pepper or sugar from us, but apparently it's too expensive—rich folks' luxury only, it seems.
They've expanded their trade routes all the way to the south, though. Don't the neighboring countries import it? Oh! Right—they can't cross the sea, so of course it's expensive.
"Wouldn't pepper and sugar from back home fetch a fortune here as smuggled goods?"
"Shall we try it?"
"Yeah, let's start small. Sounds fun."
We did plenty of smuggling back during the Sangju war, after all. Did it once—can't do it twice?
Once I gave up on pretending, my conscience grew a bit furry. A very fuzzy creature am I.
*Thud.*
"We're eating ours like this."
"Oh! Now that's the way!"
Out of Subspace came the pepper, sugar, salt, and soy sauce. This is exactly why it's so convenient, I'm telling you.
"We should have you along on every voyage from now on, Miss."
"Wouldn't that be a blast?"
I could carry the cargo myself, which would lighten the ship, which would make it faster, right?
Faster ships mean more plunder, farther reaches. Ehehehe.
Hey, you Western brats! Hurry up and sail over here!
*Slurp.*
"Ahhh~ just a bit of pepper and soy sauce and it's this good, see?"
"Thank you, Miss!"
Hm? The chef is glaring at me something fierce? What do you want me to do if it doesn't suit my palate?
Try making it tastier, why don't you~
Huh? Was that my teasing face? He's stalking off with his face bright red.
"Every town in this region serves some kind of gloopy porridge, huh?"
"I wouldn't know, it's my first time here too. But it's all sticky and nasty."
"I'd rather have noodles, honestly."
"Yeah, noodles are about the cleanest thing on the menu."
Everything else is questionable, but they really do make their noodles nicely.
Ah, but I want some soy-braised meat. Loaded with sugar until it's salty yet sweet and sweet yet salty and ridiculously delicious.
"Let's eat light for now. We'll grab something tasty back upstairs."
"Yes, Miss!"
They're so eager about it. It really is wonderful being able to carry prepared food around with you.
Tuck a dish in the moment it's finished cooking, and it comes out still steaming hot!
My only complaint is that it's not like a little seasoning shaker—I can't just pull things out anywhere I please.
*Bang.*
"Young Master has arrived."
"Right."
Ah? I was going to eat that next? Sounds like company's already here.
"Ugh..."
The kids' faces are souring by the second. That guy's family pillar is about to get yanked out of the ground. I'll get to him tomorrow or the day after—just hold on a little.
"Hold it in. Hold it in."
"Yes'm. Grrrrk."
Don't answer me if you're actually holding it in, ugh...
*Thump thump.*
"Whew..."
What? Were you tense?
"Greetings! May I trouble you for a moment!"
Oh dear. That's some confidence for someone "troubling" me. How is a person's face this square? His forehead alone is a Pacific Ocean—a born general if I ever saw one. And are the whites of his eyes dyed that color? Incredible clarity.
I felt it coming! This one's from money. Old money.
"Well, you've troubled me already, haven't you? What can I do for you?"
"Ah, my apologies. I would be honored to have you as my guest, if you would grant me the pleasure."
Okay, but? Who are you? Don't people usually lead with that part?
"Ah! Forgive me. My family name is Sun, my given name Quan, my courtesy name Zhongmou."
Ooh? Something about that? Rings a bell? Is he famous?
"..."
"Have you perhaps not heard of me?"
Dude? How am I supposed to know every famous foreigner by heart? There's no internet here!
No helping it, then. Time to deploy the universal cheat code.
"I apologize—I am from Daehan."
"Ah! So you are a foreigner."
"Oh! My name is Ha-eun."
"Ha! What a lovely name, Miss Ha!"
Oh? So he took "Ha" as my surname and "Eun" as my given name? Maybe I should invent a surname for myself. I came from Sinsi, so how about Shin?
"Ah! My family name is Shin, and my given name is Ha-eun."
"Ah! Miss Shin, of course. A pleasure."
Hm. Miss Shin? That doesn't exactly roll off the tongue. Maybe I should think this over...
Anyway, family name Sun—could he be one of the Suns of the Kingdom of Wu across the river? Well, this place does have surnames coming out of its ears.
"Embarrassing as it is to say, my elder brother and a close friend of his are holding a feast because they've each wed a bride of legendary beauty. It galls me to attend empty-handed and alone, so I hoped you might accompany me."
So let me get this straight. Your brother and his friend are both getting married, the brides are supposedly stunning, and you want to bring a pretty woman along to show off yourself?
If it's a wedding, there'll be bride gifts rolling in too. That's no small haul.
"Hmm. Shall we go, then?"
"Miss! You cannot follow a man we know nothing about!"
That's right! Play the voice of reason! Someone has to, or this looks too weird! What kind of woman follows a total stranger anywhere?
"I'm not a suspicious person, I swear!"
In my experience, the people who insist that loudest are usually exactly that.