A Roman's Outing
Oh! Jackpot! There's something absolutely incredible right in front of me.
"Is that gold?"
"Yes. It is."
Well, would you look at that. These people went and made a toilet out of gold.
When I heard someone from Rome was coming, I figured I'd swing by Daedo just to watch the spectacle. And touring the guest rooms turned out to be quite the experience.
Whoa~ a golden washbasin, a golden toilet, golden window frames — though at least the furniture is wood.
"You guys have a lot of gold, huh?"
"This much? That's a drop in the bucket. And why are you talking like it's someone else's business? It all belongs to Haneul-nim, doesn't it?"
Well, fair point? Then why does it sting so much?
"Make me some too!"
"You'd never even use it."
"Just do it! Ugh, me too!"
You know that thing? Where you don't actually need it, you just want it?
"There's plenty of gold in the bathhouse already."
"True, but..."
The bathhouse did have a gold tub, and the faucets and pipes were gold too.
Boom boom boom.
"Hm?"
"It seems they've arrived."
They came all the way here drumming on drums?
"Still, what's taking those guys so long?"
"Perhaps they had many stops to make along the way."
Really? That packed a schedule? Eh, not my problem. What do I care?
"Their ship's pretty big too, isn't it? About Orca-class?"
"Still, the Orca-class is better, wouldn't you say?"
Hmm, from the looks of it, that ship over there is about the same length but a bit narrower.
If you wanted to be precise, you'd have to link two of them end to end to match an Orca.
"What would bring them all the way from such a distant land?"
"I'm curious about that as well."
Down below, they were holding a welcome ceremony using the natives of Daedo.
We don't really do formal welcome ceremonies ourselves — we just sort of wing it. Still, it doesn't look bad.
The instruments are playing in decent harmony, and since they're wearing our clothes, they look absolutely lovely.
When the clothes are that pretty, dancing's half done — you just need to sway a little and you're golden.
"By the way, why do they bring soldiers everywhere?"
"Bodyguards, perhaps?"
"Oof, that armor must be heavy."
Thin hammered iron plates layered on top of each other — stacked that many times, that can't weigh light.
Was that thing called a tunic? Aren't they cold? And how are they walking around with nothing under it?
Snow hasn't come yet, but it's still midwinter here — plenty chilly...
"It seems they're entering now."
"Right. Let's go see what this is about."
Huh. Turns out he's just some kid out sightseeing.
A pale-faced pretty boy draped in flamboyant robes came strolling along, gawking left and right.
You know, like the Romans in the movies, with that cloth draped over one shoulder.
And does the man like gold or what? His fingers are jammed with gold rings, and he's got a gold band wrapped around his forehead. Ugh. So busy-looking.
"Oh!!!"
Huh? Why are those eyes bulging like that? Hey! Don't you dare — that's not allowed! Quit it!
"%@@!#$^@$^"
"Huh?"
"@#$@#$?"
What language is this? I only know the Greek side of things?
"Ji-won!"
"Yes!"
I hastily summoned my Chancellor, Ji-won. Now what do I do with this?
"We can't understand a word he's saying!"
"Er... I'll go look for someone and return shortly."
"Yeah. Hurry."
What am I supposed to do with this? Maybe I should have a drink while I wait?
Slurp.
Drink up, drink up. It's good for you! Flex!
"Wahahaha! !#%$!$#!"
"Ahaha. What are you even saying? Just eat your food, you're too loud."
What's so funny now? Oh! Is that it? Like those funny-guy face charts women make where the handsome ones are supposedly the funniest — is it like that?
Haha. This dork really is a doofus, huh?
Padapadadak.
"Haneul-nim!"
"Yeah!"
So where's the interpreter!?
"There is none!"
"Huh! What?"
Then how do the merchants handle trade over there?
"Whew..."
"What should we do?"
"Is the food ready?"
"Yes!"
"Feed him and send him on his way. I wouldn't know what to do with him otherwise."
And so it ended without me even asking why he came. Judging by the looks of him, he's a rich kid out on a stroll, so he'll poke around and be off soon enough.
So Ji-won escorted the guest to the dining hall with an elaborate pantomime of gestures. Is soy sauce exportable too, I wonder?
Well, you can't do much without a common language, can you? Safe travels, buddy~
Even with the same buildings, the same clothes, and the same script, this place is unmistakably different from the mainland.
Take this, for instance:
Squirm squirm.
Wow... a caterpillar. It's grown so plump and juicy it's thicker than my finger.
"Whoa... this crosses the line."
I don't even want to get close. Bite into it, and I swear I'd feel it wriggling alive in my stomach.
Chomp chomp.
The locals — wow, they'll eat it raw, they'll roast it over a fire...
Crunch crunch.
A kid passing by was loudly crunching on something crispy — it was a fried bug...
I cannot adapt to this market.
With nothing to do today either, I wandered the market a while before heading back up to the fortress.
"When is that brat leaving?"
"It'll be a long while before anyone who speaks the language arrives."
"If they bring one, that's a year, isn't it?"
"Around eight or nine months."
Good grief. I could celebrate my sixtieth birthday waiting for that.
"Let's leave it to the Foreign Ministry and head back. Honestly, both of us being away from our posts like this is a bit much."
"Agreed. I was thinking we should head back anyway."
The very next day, we grabbed a ship headed home.
That's the beauty of it — just pick any vessel moored at the harbor and hop on.
"Now then, you're in charge of managing that guy."
"Leave it to me."
It's you I'm worried about. What if you find him a nuisance and bury him somewhere, then swear you never saw him?
And there goes that pretty boy again, poking around at another country's ship? What, can you just look at a boat and build your own?
Hmm, hard to say? Should be fine, right?
"Off we go, then!"
"Fair winds!"
We boarded the ship and rowed away from the harbor —
"!^&%@@#%"
All hell broke loose down below. What is that idiot doing? Shoving our people aside and pushing through like a madman?
What's he planning? Why is he staring at me like that?
"This reeks of bad omens. We need to move. Now."
Something about this is giving me a bad, shivery feeling.
"!@#!%"
"!@#"
Huh? What now? He's scrambling back onto his own ship? Wait — no way. Is he following us?
"Ji-won! Emergency!"
"Yes, Haneul-nim!"
"Tell the crew to go as fast as they possibly can! I think that idiot's going to chase us!"
"Yes, ma'am!"
And thus began an unexpected chase across the open sea.
"One! Two! One! Two!"
The wind was far too weak, so we rowed.
"Miss!"
Somewhere along the way, these sea-faring folks — the Intelligence Bureau, that is — started calling me "Miss."
Though with this many people, can you really call it an Intelligence Bureau?
It's supposed to be some tiny, shadowy elite outfit, isn't it? Only the "elite" part holds up, and just barely.
"What is it?"
"We'll hug the coastline of Han. It'll be faster."
"Do it! Move!"
That's right, chase us and run yourself aground. However you get home is your own problem. Planning to walk back along the Silk Road, are you?
"Put your backs into it! If they catch up, you're carrying this ship all the way to Hanju!"
"Neeeeh!"
"Understood, ma'am!"
Wait. Carry the ship? Is that... possible?
The ship lurched forward at tremendous speed. Behind us, the Roman warship shrank into the distance. Sayonara!
They're probably headed somewhere in China, right? Would they even manage the language there? Well, they bear us no ill will — I hope they make it home safe.
It's been hard to get news out of Han lately. Could it be because of the war? Even the merchants seem reluctant to share information.
Well, even checking with our own people or Joseon, there was no word about Roman warships. They must have gone to Han.
"Eh, I'm sure they made it back fine."
Knock knock knock.
"It's Ji-won."
"Come in."
Since I haven't been going to the meeting room lately, he's come to me directly?
"Do you remember that business from before?"
"You'll have to give me more than that. Way too vague."
The things I get up to are hardly one or two in number, you know.
"The visit from the Roman."
"Ah! I remember that."
"We discovered them constructing warships resembling one we'd seen frequently in Han. Upon investigation, it was indeed the same vessel that ran aground there."
Wait — so Han is now using Roman-style galleys?
"They're building ships?"
"Yes. Our agent saw it firsthand — they're building an enormous number of them."
Huh? These guys are up to something again?
"You think they're preparing for war?"
"I can't say it's war, but it looks like they intend to take to the sea."
So is everywhere reachable by land just too far away now?
"The sea, huh..."
"Shall we sink every last one of them if they come out?"
"Is there a way?"
"We set them on fire!"
Is that really so easy at sea? Even if you fire flaming arrows, wouldn't a single bucket of water put them out?
"How?"
"We mix tree resin and various other things into that oil we brought down from the north!"
What did you people make?
"I'd love it if it worked, but you think it'll be that easy?"
"Some of them don't catch, but most of them stick well."
You're telling me there are duds?
"What exactly did you make?"
"Come and see for yourself."
"Yeah."
Ji-won hurried off and came back carrying several small clay jars, a bow, and a bundle of arrows.
"Is this it?"
"Yes!"
A feeling... I know this feeling...
"You pack this jar tight with cloth, strap it to an arrow, light it, and shoot!"
Yeah, this is a Molotov cocktail, isn't it...
Clank clank, jingle jingle.
He strapped a jar to an arrow and lit it, then turned to me with sudden, feverish urgency.
"Watch closely! You have to shoot this one fast."
Right, the arrow shaft will burn through, so a quick launch makes sense.
Fweeng.
With an utterly pathetic sound, the arrow flew — and isn't that a little too weak?
Shatter — WHOOSH!
Huh? What? What kind of fire burns that ferociously? Ooh, look at that pitch-black smoke. My goodness.
What on earth did they put in it to make smoke like that? You'd suffocate to death long before the flames got you.
"HOW DARE YOU! In the sacred temple grounds of all places! What do you think you're doing?!"
Oh no. Not me. Wasn't me.
"Huh?"
"It's the Grand Priest."
Our Grand Priest is truly something else. It's like they pick him through some kind of strength contest. He keeps getting more imposing and more powerful every time I see him.
Ji-won is unusually built too, but if the Grand Priest gets his hands on him, he'll fold in half. I'd stake my life on it.
"H-Haneul-nim?"
"What?"
"Save me."
FWOOSH.
And I shot straight up into the sky. I mean, you have to say something that makes sense, right? If I stayed, I'd just end up getting lectured too. Shouldn't only one of us have to suffer?
"Ji-won! So it was you!"
"AAAAH!"
How long had it been since that scream — and he's already here? Wow, look at the Grand Priest's forearm. Thicker than my waist, surely.
Padapadadak.
Ji-won is running for all he's worth. But he's already been caught — what's the point? The man will chase him all the way home. Isn't it better to just take the beating and get it over with?
Hmm... though his life might actually end here.
Papak! Pak! Pak!
"Halt, you crab!"
See, this is why humans need muscle. The man is practically leap-running. No — flying, honestly.
"AAAAH! No! Not that!"
"What do you mean 'not that'! You're getting it!"
Wow, is he really moving twice as fast? Caught in seconds.
WHAM!
He ran straight into him and clobbered the back of his head.
"Gotcha!"
"Gak—!"
CRASH!
Ouch, ouch, ouch... that's gotta hurt.
Whoa? He slammed him straight into the dirt? What kind of sound is that, hitting bare earth? Brutal. Just brutal.
"Now then. Off to the prayer room with you."
"..."
Draaag.
Hm? Is he dead? His limbs seem to be twitching, at least...
"Huuuuaaah."
Oh? He's come to. Felt like he crossed the river of the dead and came back.
"Grand Priest! It was on Haneul-nim's orders!"
"WHAT DID YOU SAY?"
Excuse me? Is that idiot insane? If you're going to die a glorious death, die gloriously alone — why would you sell out your comrade?
Thud thud thud.
"Gahk."
Oh dear. That was a close call. Ever since I planted the World Tree, my telekinesis has weakened — apparently it now takes three solid hits for him to pass out.
"What was that? Was he talking in his sleep?"
"..."
Oops. My bad. Honestly, he's not a kid anymore — why would he do that out here? Playing with fire, is he? Tsk tsk tsk...
But that one hit just now looked far more painful than anything I could dish out. Ji-won? We will meet again alive, won't we?
Wait, no. He's a man of the cloth, after all. He wouldn't actually kill him and bury him somewhere unmarked... right?
Then again — did our doctrine ever have anything in it about valuing life?