Nothing Ever Happens in the Refugee Autonomous District! (1)
This massive country of ours makes ten, twenty years vanish in the blink of an eye just from paperwork alone.
Sure, at the beginning it was supposed to be me dumping the work on the kids and goofing off. So why is the final approval still landing on my desk?
And then.
"Please, grant us the blessing of the World Tree's branches—"
"Blrrrght."
"Gah!"
These rascals. Did they stash a tree branch somewhere for this? Why do they keep asking for more?
"Twenty-four cities is plenty already!"
"It's less for settlement and more for use as an outpost, you see..."
So they finally carved their way up through the frozen sea and went and built a port on that glacier of a landmass?
And now they're claiming people will starve to death if supplies don't arrive on time, so hand over the branches?
But that drains my strength! I thought it over carefully, and it weakens my telekinesis too!
"Just one more time... please?"
"Do you really need it?"
"Yes. They say the hardship out there is unbearable. Please..."
Is it really that hard? You've been begging me for thirty years straight, though. Hmm, strategically speaking, it would be nice to have one there.
"Who's going to manage it? If it gets taken from us, that's a whole other headache. Understood?"
"The Intelligence Bureau will stake their lives on it."
"Why do you people insist on doing things in a frozen wasteland?"
Look, I get it — central Siberia is such an enormous stretch of land that they need a staging point where scattered minority tribes can gather.
Fine, I'll even forgive Dongdo (Hokkaido). But why, oh why, do they want to push toward the Bering Sea?
"It's the Intelligence Bureau's fondest wish. Please."
Down on their knees, bowing all the way to the floor. Aigo.
Well, the Bureau does have one strike against them from the fireproof-suit affair — the handkerchief incident. I did intend to give them a gift at some point.
"It genuinely drains me. Why do you keep doing this to me?"
"We're sorry..."
Rotten brats. I raise you well, and the moment you dig through the old records, you come whining for handouts. I can't live like this.
"Be good while I'm away..."
"We're sorry. *Sob*..."
Don't cry now, you little punks! When I wake up, I'm doing nothing but playing! Nothing but! You terrible, terrible people.
I got hit with a progressive tax. Twenty-three branches used to buy me 230 years; this time, five set me back 250.
"My strength really has faded, huh?"
In my prime I felt like I could crack the Earth in half if I wanted — now I'll be lucky if I can shift a mountain.
Huh? Is shifting a mountain supposed to count as strong?
"The number of trees is definitely tied to me somehow."
So if a nuclear missile ever falls and wipes out the trees... do I die? That's kind of terrifying. Later, even if I can't manage anything else, I'll have to order them to build missile interception as a top priority...
The fact that I'm even thinking this tells me I really, really don't want to die.
Ba-da-da-da-dak
"Oh! Haneul-nim!"
"There, there. Have you all been well?"
"Yes! Thanks to you, Haneul-nim, today too is an age of peace and plenty!"
Aigo. How nice for you. Meanwhile I got shaken down for branches yesterday, and when I opened my eyes, 250 years had gone by...
"Whatever. I'm up now, so carry on as usual. I've made plans to do nothing but play."
"Er... there's no such record, Haneul-nim..."
"That's because I didn't write it down."
"B-but still!"
And what are you planning to do about it? Whether I actually said it or not isn't the point!
"Hm? What's that?"
"Yes! It appears the Ancestress judged it undignified and never recorded it!"
"Exactly so. Smart kid."
"Thank you!"
"We'll do our best, then?"
"Yes, sir!"
Clever little thing! And here I thought I'd have to knock some heads together first.
"So, anything of note going on around us?"
"Hmm. Joseon has stabilized all the way into the Joseon Territory, and the two peoples are well on their way to becoming one nation."
Oh? Nice. If they've swallowed Kyushu, the southern islands should be quite livable too — especially with the northern reaches of our World Tree's domain creeping in. Not bad at all.
"Tell them not to overreach. Have them consolidate firmly."
"Yes, sir! Also... the land of Fu was destroyed in a war with the Mongols."
Hm. I did figure that place wouldn't last long, given the conflicts brewing there.
"And the Mongols keep trying to monopolize the trade routes."
"They're useless without us, so why bother?"
Why would anyone stab themselves in the foot? Weren't they making a fortune thanks to us? I suppose life's gotten comfortable, judging by how they've got time for this nonsense.
"Yes. They appear to have gotten some very wrong ideas."
"Fine, then we shut the routes too. We don't need them anyway."
"Yes, sir."
They couldn't get over that wall if they died and came back to life. Last I saw, even a ladder couldn't reach the top of it.
"As for the land of Zhou... hmm."
"What?"
"The Mongols were raiding, and during one particularly big strike, they killed the king right in the capital."
"What?!"
What were they doing that the king died? That's not raiding anymore — that's a straight-up invasion, isn't it?
"Forgive me for saying this, but it's a total mess down there. There's no comparison — it's just chaos, plain and simple."
"How bad?"
"Everyone's at each other's throats, every last one of them declaring himself a knockoff king."
"Goodness..."
So the age of warring states wasn't the romantic era people imagine after all, huh...
"Dongdo has entered a stable phase. The bonds with the local natives are excellent."
"Our kids really do have a gift for this, don't they?"
"Honestly, with the World Tree and the Holy Water on hand, winning people over is almost too easy."
Fair enough. Even I — if I planted a tree and the frozen ground thawed into prime farmland, I'd hold onto it no matter what.
"It's not just them. With the Holy Water and the World Tree, no one could possibly not believe in you, Haneul-nim."
"Yeah. That's a relief."
"In any case, thank you for your hard work."
Hard work? What hard work? It was exactly like closing my eyes and opening them again.
And so I'm doing my homework.
Glug glug, slurrrp — collecting Holy Water,
Snip snip — cutting my hair.
Word is the faithful dwindled a bit while I was rationing the Holy Water, but what can I do?
It's not like modern religion, where you can go around waving a sword and demanding believe in me and me alone!
That reminds me — why don't I indulge in some other luxury?! How long am I supposed to live by trimming my own hair?
"Seriously, though — ancient times are still boring."
Sigh...
So I wake up, do my chores, and while I'm at it, relations with the Mongols keep souring by the year.
"What is it this time?"
"They're demanding we hand over our goods."
"Are they insane? They're supposed to make things and sell them!"
It's their land, fine — they wanted the Steppe Road to themselves, we said "understood" and stepped back. What more do they want from us?
"Or alternatively... they're asking us to teach them how to make things."
"Excuse me? That's shameless even by their standards."
Should I just flatten them?
"Tell them to get lost. Plain and simple. They've been raiding whatever soft targets they could find, and now their egos have swollen right up. Someone needs to knock some sense into them."
Occupying territory is unnecessary, so maybe I'll send the cavalry corps out to stretch their legs?
"Yes. We'll reinforce the wall garrisons further."
"A ladder couldn't even reach it. You'd just be exhausting the kids for nothing — take it easy."
"Yes."
"Still, idle hands get rolled up in a straw mat, as they say. Time for one good, decisive snipe-hunt of a raid."
And here I thought we were getting along. Is it because China's such a wreck these days that there's nothing worth plundering over there?
But touch us, you fools, and you are truly finished.
Come to think of it, the Age of Exploration might arrive early.
Relations with the Mongols went bad, the overland route west is choking off, and everyone's stampeding out to sea.
"So? They're building bigger ships?"
"Yes. They're working on a fifteen-ja vessel."
"Fifteen ja?"
A ja is about my height, so... what's that, a ship over twenty meters?
"Can they actually build it? Won't the wood snap?"
They'd need serious structural research for something like that. It's not the kind of thing that works just because you slap it together.
"The research institute ran the numbers — they say it's doable."
Excuse me? Ran the numbers? You can figure out something like that with math? The world truly has gotten wonderful...
"Well, if it breaks, it breaks. Tell them to build it well — and sturdily."
"Yes. Frankly, with how rough the crew is on the ships, sturdy was priority number one anyway."
Yep. I know all about that. I once went on an island trip aboard one of the kids' ships and nearly had a heart attack watching them just plow the thing straight onto the beach.
I got the distinct impression that if a ship got stuck, their plan was to shove it out or drag it out by hand.
Still, our people aren't stupid — they'll build a pointed-bottom hull, right? If they make it flat-bottomed, the sea will come punching straight up through the middle of the ship...
"Oh? How's Gunpo doing?"
That's where we corralled all the Chinese who fled over, wasn't it? Slipped my mind.
"Oh, Gunpo's fine. The merchants there take our goods and sell them off quite handsomely in the land of Zhou."
"Merchants?"
"Well, refugees from the fallen Shang Dynasty have gathered there as well, so people took to calling them 'Shang folk' — which sounds just like 'merchants.'"
Ah, so they hung a pun on a dead kingdom's name. In any case, they're running a brisk middleman trade.
"No funny business going on?"
"It's a little suspicious, but if they ever tried revolt, they wouldn't leave enough behind to fill an urn. The great walls hem them in — there's nowhere to run."
Hey. I said it was chilly here, not that you needed to make that terrifying a face!
Curiosity got the better of me, so I went out to inspect the Gunpo district myself.
Since these are all foreign kids who don't especially follow the Sky Faith, getting around here is unbelievably comfortable.
Our people really are flexible about it, aren't they? No religious persecution, at least.
"Rice for sale! We've got flour too!"
"Bean oil, get your bean oil!"
"Charcoal for sale! Firewood as well!"
They said merchants, and the place is stuffed to the brim with honest-to-goodness merchants. The headland jutting out into the peninsula must catch the World Tree's power, because the trees and crops grow beautifully.
Short on metal resources, but otherwise? A person could live well here.
The faces are all rosy and bright. They're eating well — oil practically dripping off their cheeks.
CRASH
"I told you, there's no inspection fee!"
"Then who the hell do you think you are, collecting taxes from me?!"
Oho? The market's all a-ruckus — sounds like a fight broke out. And spectating? Never skips leg day!
"It's not a tax, it's a protection fee!"
Isn't that just... gangsters? Is "hoodlum" the word for this era?
"That's the same damn thing!"
CRASH
Looks like the merchant's answer didn't sit well with them. He flipped the stall again. Wow, that's a nasty look.
Yep. Yep! Now I'm sure — they pick their marks by the face. Looking closer, every one of them has a villain's mug.
Huh? They're wearing swords, but those are still bronze? I heard iron had arrived — just not commercialized yet? Fair enough; without proper smelting, bronze's the better bet.
"Not one coin! You'd sooner kill me first!"
This merchant uncle has guts of steel. Lying himself flat in front of a drawn blade like that. Just how big is this "protection fee," anyway? The smashed goods on the ground are worth more than whatever he'd pay, surely?
Shiiing
"You truly wish to die, then?"
"Th-then kill me..."
Oh dear, uncle, you can't do that. Stuttering and crawling your voice into the dirt like that — you're finished. And if you mean to die, shouldn't you at least ambush one of them and take him with you?
Tsk. No fighting spirit. I suppose that's how the Shang Dynasty fell.
"Hah hah! At long last, my Blood Demon Blade shall taste blood!"
Wow... seriously? That cringe of a name... I should pretend I never heard it, shouldn't I?
"You there! Stop this at once!"
Oho! A champion of justice has arrived! Why is this one still draped in a simple cloth robe? Wouldn't it be comfier and prettier to wear a proper jeogori and chima like us?
Hey, at least he's wearing pants. Less of an ocular assault. Those merchant uncles don't wear anything under their robes, so they flutter about and it's frankly disturbing!
"Ohhh dear! How frighten-ing~"
"Grrrk!"
Ooh. I should take notes. How does one sneer so infuriatingly that the other party practically begs to throw a punch? That's serious technique.
"Move along, lad, while the words are still kind. Before I cleave you in two."
Hm? Has he actually swung a blade for real before? That growl has genuine weight to it, not just bluff.
Tchak
"Hoo... Come at me, then!"
Is he out of his mind? Can't you see the sword? Did he study some martial art? He did take a proper opening stance, but what exactly does he plan to do bare-handed?
I should back up a bit. There's going to be blood.
Wow. So this is how people committed suicide in ancient times? Does watching count as aiding and abetting?
"As you wish!"
Whooosh
Hm? He's swinging straight down from overhead — awfully honest of him. Was he caught off guard? That's the easiest kind to dodge.
Thwack
See? One sidestep, and the blade bites nothing but dirt.
"Hraaap!"
Thud
Oh? He slips aside and pivots smoothly with the motion, driving his heel into the man's ribs. That one won't be able to breathe.
"Khh... hah... hah..."
Clang
That's what I thought! I've thrown enough punches to know. That's the soft spot of the flank, right there!
Still, our kids can grit their teeth and power through hits like that — but this guy folded like wet paper. Looks can deceive; the man's made of tofu after all?
"Hiyaaap!"
Thwack
And our champion of justice, without a shred of mercy, plants his sole right into the cheek of the poor fellow already fighting for breath.
Something white went flying, I think? Mercifully, no blood.
Heh heh. See you around, young man~