The Envoy WhoForgot His Place
He's a lost cause as a friend anyway~
Slurp.
"On the way here, I found your roads most impressive. It must have taken quite a long time to build them."
"It did. We're still building them even now."
"But wouldn't roads allow an invading enemy to advance more quickly?"
He doesn't seem to have considered the opposite case.
"Ahaha. I suppose that could happen."
"War is a terrifying thing. All that remains is ash."
"Indeed."
He's trying to sound meaningful, but honestly, it's not scary at all? Even with your entire army mobilized, you couldn't get past Bonghwa or Bongpyeong?
"And aren't there far too many merchants here?"
"Yes. Many, and we like it that way."
"Are they not chasing wealth with their bare hands instead of honestly tilling the land?"
We encourage agriculture too, but isn't he overthinking this?
"Yes, we value farming as well."
"Just as I thought. The fewer of those lowly merchants, the better, wouldn't you say?"
Is that so? When farmers produce the blood of the nation, it's the merchants who keep it circulating. If a country wants to grow rich, it ought to make good use of them. He's got a long way to go.
"Well. That's their business to figure out."
"Shouldn't the ignorant be led by learned men such as ourselves? Hahaha."
Right, and that's exactly why these characters who can only write difficult words do nothing but flap their lips...
I'll just feed him well and send him on his way.
"It's nearly time for the meal. Shall we go together?"
"Yes. I look forward to it."
Thud, thud.
Only one set of footsteps echoed down the corridor. Well, of course — I go around barefoot, and my kids are trained to walk quietly. Quiet footsteps are good manners.
Does he think this is a loud-footsteps competition? It's a bit much, isn't it?
"Everyone here is so quiet."
"Yes. We're taught that speaking softly and walking quietly is proper etiquette."
"Ah..."
Despite being told that, he keeps clomping around noisily — so he clearly doesn't care a whit.
"The palace is remarkably ornate, isn't it?"
"We call it the Temple. The artisans built everything with hearts full of gratitude. I'm grateful to them as well."
"Heh heh? You have it done for you?"
"No. At least here, only volunteers take part."
Does he think we conscript people by force the way they do? Whatever it may look like, this place was built by hand, stitch by stitch, over hundreds of years.
We've had accidents elsewhere, but never with the Temple. People genuinely believe nothing about it could be crooked.
"Heh heh. Remarkable."
"It is over a thousand years old, after all."
The main building where I stay is, incredibly, over a thousand years old.
"A thousand years, you say?"
"Yes. This spring marks the 1,085th year since the founding of the nation."
"My..."
His jaw is hanging open, the fool. I told you your civilization was nothing special? The primitives who charged at us with stone spears while we built this citadel — yeehaw!
"Mm. Fried chicken today. Quite tasty. I'm rather fond of it myself."
"The aroma is wonderful."
Go ahead and try everything. Hahaha. You're in for a surprise. Fried chicken is already nearly perfected around here.
Crunch, crunch.
Ooh, listen to that crisp. Did the head chef put in extra effort today?
"This spicy, fragrant aroma is exquisite!"
"That's called pepper. I'll include some in your parting gift."
Come to think of it, didn't those shamans refuse to import pepper too? Or was it just the Shang Dynasty?
Judging by the look in his eyes, he's planning to smuggle some back and try growing it. Good luck — you'd have to go all the way down south to cultivate it.
"It truly is delicious. Thank you."
"I'm glad it's to your taste."
Ugh. Hurry up and finish so I can go back to my room and rest.
"Then shall we conclude for today?"
"Yes. Thank you for your hospitality. I have enjoyed my stay."
Enjoyed his stay, has he? Well, I suppose there are matters to discuss on a national level. Me, I just receive the reports, and my staff handle everything else. Fine by me.
"Ahh, I'm exhausted."
"You've worked hard."
From now on, I'm telling them to stop bothering to come all the way here — if they have something to say, meet at Gunpo. Let the Foreign Ministry earn its keep.
Taking in guests and putting them up here is awkward too. My secretaries are not ladies-in-waiting, and it's a nuisance.
There are commoners around Gunpo, so they'll handle the entertaining on their own. Whatever.
What in the world is this nonsense?
"Where on earth is it written that a mere woman may spurn an envoy simply because he laid a hand on her!"
Hm? What's all that noise?
"Would someone care to tell me what's going on?"
Clearly the envoy did something stupid, but I should hear the story anyway.
"He tried to take a serving girl to bed with him, and when she refused, he struck her across the face to teach her her place. She pushed him away."
Hm. What to do? A kick between the legs? Or just bury him somewhere? He is an envoy, though...
"Here, unlike the Zhou, we have no concubines, and no women attend men's beds. So kindly just go to sleep."
"What manner of hospitality is this!"
What nonsense is that? Is a night companion some kind of default courtesy? He should have brought a woman from his own country. And ugly as he is, who would want him anyway?
"We do not offer such services."
"Tch. Let a woman rule a country and look what becomes of it. Tsk, tsk, tsk..."
Does this brat think I can't hear him just because he's muttering? No — he's saying it on purpose, isn't he? You're dead, and my kids are going to hear about it.
"Let's go, kids."
"Yes, Haneul-nim."
Heh heh. Hyeonju, come here quickly. Time to put our dear Chancellor through the wringer.
"Get Hyeonju for me."
"Yes, ma'am."
Ahahaha. You lot are about to live a very eventful life.
Rattle, rattle.
"Hyeonju? Stop trembling."
"I'm sorry!"
What — he takes one look at me and starts shaking and apologizing?
"Do you have any idea what I had to put up with today?"
"I'm sorry!"
Yes, he heard about it from the Secretary before coming.
"Well, it's not as if you're at fault, is it? Right?"
"Heh heh. Yes, that's right."
"Want to die?"
"Ah — no, ma'am!"
This guy has zero sense for the mood. Ahh, I'm angry. I'm angry! I can't exactly execute an envoy over something like this, and going to war over it would be ridiculous too...
"Haa. What should I do?"
"Spare me! My grandchildren are still young! Sob, sob."
I'm not saying I'll kill YOU. I'm asking what to do with those fools.
"No one would be left to serve as Chancellor if I died!"
That's not the point!
"What should we do with them? I'm asking you."
"Shall we kill them all?"
"Going to war over something like this would be a bit much, no?"
Nothing quite fits. Oh?
"Kids, are you still playing war games?"
"We've been playing carefully so no accidents happen!"
"Don't. Go have some accidents for once."
"No, ma'am! Nothing like that will ever happen!"
Ahh, this kid couldn't read a hint if it hit him in the face.
"Well, you could, ah... just cross the border a little bit to do it, couldn't you? Change your clothes so it's not obvious."
"Pardon?"
Ever heard of a limited engagement?
"If you dress up like those nomad kids, it'd be fun. Right?"
"Eeek!"
What? Why the shock? I give you a little smile and you're over the moon.
"Could it be—"
"Ahem! Ahem!"
"Oh! Yes, ma'am! Understood! We'll take care of it!"
"Still, be careful. Don't get hurt."
"Don't you worry!"
"Good, off you go~ And from now on, don't let envoys in — tell them to meet at Gunpo instead."
I hate the feeling of my own home getting filthy. Ah — so that's why you wanted to wage war on someone else's turf.
Ugh, I'm in such a foul mood~
"Hey, kids~"
"Yes?"
"I'm in a rotten mood. Want to take a bath and all sleep together?"
"Ooh~ I'd love that!"
Hey? Weren't you the one who got slapped upside the head just now? And you're the most excited of all.
"Let's go~"
"He departed, declaring, 'I shall not forget this humiliation!'"
"Well done."
They loaded him into a carriage and sent him off in the middle of the night. Good work. Though a kick between the legs would have been better. A little disappointing, that.
"Relations with the Zhou are bound to sour now."
"They've been busy fighting among themselves, but their unification is nearly complete, isn't it? They'd have turned their gaze outward eventually — this just came a little early."
"Ahh, I see."
Hm. I called it a war game, but the kids should get real experience through these limited engagements ahead of time.
"Tell the kids to be careful, and to write up proper reports after every outing and send them to the War Ministry."
"Yes. We'll keep that in mind."
"And have them wear something like iron plates under their leather armor where it won't show. A stray arrow could be deadly."
"Yes. We'll submit a request to the Artisans' Bureau."
Hm. I wonder how those kids will turn out. We'd win a war, sure, but our own people would die too.
Such a dilemma. Such a dilemma.
"Haneul-nim."
"Hmm?"
"Please don't trouble yourself too much."
Is my face that easy to read? They all know me far too well.
"There are many times when avoiding conflict simply leads nowhere. Do not fear war."
"You can see that?"
"Yes. Quite clearly."
Where the resentment of parents who've lost children and siblings will turn...
"We should stay prepared regardless. Maybe we should build a fortress on the border ourselves?"
"Eh. Too much hassle to go on the offensive. Just leave it be."
Really? These people don't even entertain the concept of defending?
"Isn't defense difficult?"
"Why not just rush straight to the capital and take out their king?"
Oh? That's technically true, but this isn't a blitzkrieg — can you really manage that on horseback?
"Mm. Think it over, anyway."
"Even in the War Ministry's reports, building fortresses looks like the better option for defense. Don't worry. We're researching hard."
Hm. Wasn't it almost a thousand years ago that I explained that to them? Are they still planning to do it exactly the same way?
"Mm, there are things called siege engines, though. Those will make it difficult."
They'll have machines that smash gates and batter down walls.
"Couldn't we build an enormous ballista or great bow to shoot them down?"
"Can you?"
"We certainly can."
Do you actually have anything built? Well, the Artisans' Bureau does have an absurd number of people...
They've made plenty of junk and garbage too — reports I read halfway and quietly buried...
"Fine? Handle it as you see fit."
"Yes. Trust in me. Heh heh heh."
Ahh... your family always managed to cause some catastrophe right after laughing like that? What on earth are you planning this time?
"Eh heh heh heh."
Still laughing on the way out. What is going through that head of yours.
The Artisans' Bureau had summoned me today for a new weapon test, so here I was.
"What on earth did they build this time..."
Look at these lunatics. They'd built a rampart of staggering height along the fortress wall, and mounted on top of it sat a colossal ballista.
The bow limbs were — I'm not kidding — actual whole logs.
And looking closer, the ammunition was basically a log too?
"The logs were so heavy that we raised the rampart considerably to secure the range. Heh heh."
"Wouldn't a catapult lobbing stones work better? Eh?"
"The accuracy drops far too much. A hit is what gives it meaning, is it not?"
True enough, but this is just brute ignorance. How many meters long is that bow, exactly?
Wait. Could it be? Was the blood of the artillery corps born here?
"Does it actually fire?"
That's the real question. Whether anything actually flies off this thing.
"We'll fire it now. Ready positions!"
"Yes, sir!"
Grind, grind, grind.
Burly young men crowded onto the machine and began turning the windlass, and that thick log began to bend under the strain of being drawn.
This is insane. It's not snapping — it's just bending? It's a log. What did they do to it?
Clunk.
"The string is set! Load the bolt!"
Hey? Can you really call that a bolt? It's a log!
Wow, this genuinely terrifies me. If that thing snapped, or the cord gave way, someone would die.
Thump.
Look at that — they're using a crane to load the projectile.
"We will now fire."
"Uh..."
I wonder how far it'll fly?
"Everyone stand back! Firing!"
BOOM!
What the — a bowstring snap makes THAT sound?
Vmmmmm.
And then we all witnessed a truly fearsome sight. The log sailed into the far distance — really far — and flattened an entire forest.
You lot did confirm nobody was standing out there first... didn't you?