Ha-eun and the Band of 200 Bandits! (6)
Maybe I'll shadow them a little?
Tch. Hmm? They've stopped here? They can't advance or retreat like this.
"We should've gathered the soldiers and stormed the mountain fortress all at once. They'll relocate the stronghold soon, no doubt."
Looks like they were scouting the original fortress location and rallying troops. Honestly, that's a relief.
"More like a blessing, if you ask me."
You think so too?
"Why?"
"Do you have any idea how many would die! Even the army the king sent out is getting wiped out."
I watched them today, and wow, they really can't fight. No formation, just charging wildly with spears — what did they expect to accomplish?
"Oh, and did you hear that story?"
"You mean the fox ghost?"
"They say a white ghost was leaping through the trees!"
Leaping through the trees — that sounds like me. But why a fox, not a rabbit?
"Apparently the men were so bewitched by her pale skin that they couldn't fight properly. Good grief."
Excuse me? I never got close enough for anyone to even see my face?
"Hey now! Isn't that all just an excuse?"
"I suppose so, yes."
Ah, I see. So they lost, and now they're spinning cowardly tales about a ghost.
Rustle.
Oh! A sword's about to slip free? The dirt's crumbling! Hang in there, just a little longer!
"What was that sound?"
"Why are you being so creepy!"
"Something made a noise down below the wall!"
Did I get caught?
Blink blink.
Oh. We made eye contact? Now what?
"Ee-hee-hee-hee!"
Should I act like a ghost? Nah, would they believe it? I'll just climb back down.
"KYAAAAAH!"
"IT'S A GHOST!"
"Ack! Ack!"
"WAAAAH!"
Wait, that actually worked? Hmm... how do I look? Oh. I see — I came in white. Should've worn something dark for a break-in.
Maybe that's for the best, though? They're both too busy fleeing to bother with me, thinking I'm a spirit.
"No one left to interfere. Shall I go hunting for fugitives, then?"
That oily-eyed rat deserves a pair of black eyes, doesn't he?
Let's find the biggest house in town~
"Hmm, but my clothes... no black ones. Guess I'll drape myself in wolf pelt."
It's dark gray, so it should hide me well enough.
Clunk.
"Mmph? Who's there?"
WHACK!
Just sleep quietly, buddy. Why get up and take a hit and pass out for nothing?
Hmm, doesn't seem like this is the house either? Wait. These swords are gleaming awfully bright?
"What's this? Gold? Well, since I'm here, might as well take it~"
Rummage rummage.
The owner was already knocked out, so I searched the place openly and pocketed everything. And what's with all these stones? There are so many.
Clunk.
"Aah~ ah~"
"Hah! Hah!"
Ugh. Seriously.
THUD.
They were so busy they didn't even notice me walk in, so I put them both to sleep in a friendly fashion.
"What have we here~"
Rummage rummage.
Hmm? Too many colors to be jade? It's pretty, though. I'll take it. Could make beads out of it or something.
"Oh? Gold? Gotta take the gold, of course."
On the way out I even scooped up the gold ring off some woman's finger. Efficient, that's me.
"Is it not here? I think I've hit nearly everything..."
Should I try that building that looks like a government office? Seems like everywhere else has been cleaned out already.
Wait — no! I only grabbed things because I happened to pass by. I wasn't going around raiding! Good thing I caught myself before thinking wrong.
One last place, which I'd put off because it seemed like soldiers might be posted there.
"What a disgrace this is!"
"Young Master! Do not speak so!"
Oh, it's Oily-Eyes! Been a while, buddy! Your hyung is here.
"We must gather the soldiers and attack at once!"
Looks like even his oily eyes are rolling back now?
"Gather them from where, at this hour, in such a hurry?"
What is this guy's household, anyway? Even the nobleman who looked fairly high-ranking was turning red and blue, though he held his tongue. Still, his clenched fists were trembling.
"Hoo. Very well. Let us speak again tomorrow, once the sun is up."
"As you say."
Angry, much? He just spun on his heel and stormed off.
So this must be Oily-Eyes' lodging? They gave him a nice room.
"Hoo. You there!"
"Yes, my lord!"
"Come here!"
Wondering why he called her — he's undoing the sash of a maid's clothes. Oh. So this is what Aeng-aeng was talking about? She did say the men would call women in to share their beds.
"Forgive me, my lord, but I have a husband."
"So what of it?"
Huh? Is he in heat? Still, she says she has a husband — this is a bit much?
"I'm sorry."
Oh, she's about to run. Go on then, ma'am! I've got your back!
GRAB.
"KYAAAH!"
"Insolent woman! Have you no manners!"
Whoa? He's just grabbed her by the hair and is dragging her toward the bed? Hey! This is assault! This is outright rape! Time to step in.
Tap.
"Hi there?"
"Hm?"
Why is he staring blankly? Don't you recognize me? Oh right — I'm wearing the wolf pelt over my head.
Sliiide.
Got to take the pelt off if I want to be recognized, after all. Ahaha.
"Wha—! Miss Ha-eun!"
His eyes went wide, and now he's looking at me the way he was looking at the maid. Not at the maid — at me, planning to knock me flat, huh?
"Hey. You ran off pretty smoothly on your own, didn't you?"
"How can you say such things? Thank goodness! That I managed to slip away like this."
No, hold on — the guy who was about to commit rape two seconds ago? Why is he sidling over here, the filthy creep?
"Ran off alone and you're doing well for yourself, hmm?"
"Hm?"
"What are you looking at, you wretch?"
"What's the matter with you?"
What is going on? Is he actually simple? He can't read the room at all?
"What else — you're an idiot, that's what."
Haha. That blank expression of his. He really only understands when you insult him outright.
"Haha. I meant to treat you nicely, such a fine-looking woman, and yet your tongue is so coarse?"
What did he just say?
THWACK!
"Kgh! Koff koff."
No, seriously? Why did he kick the maid just standing there? Is he insane? That must hurt... poor woman...
"Today I'm going to beat the insolence right out of you!"
God, his voice is loud. Veins standing out on his neck and everything. If I had a needle I'd love to poke one and see it pop.
"Oh, would you shut up already! Your voice is way too loud — people are trying to sleep, you nuisance!"
KYAHAHA. Look at that face turning red! This is fun. I should wrap this up and head out.
Tap tap tap!
"You wretch!"
Oh, a full sprint? The room's so small he's right in front of me in a few strides? Then I'll take one step back, and —
Go!
"EUNUCH KICK!"
CRUNCH! SQUELCH.
"Kgh!"
Oh? Did it land properly? Something... something feels thoroughly demolished in there?
"Khh... khh..."
Oh? He's about to pass out from lack of air. Does it hurt that badly? Bloodshot eyes, mouth stretched that wide? I'm scared he'll show up in my dreams. Disgusting.
"Hnngh. Hnngh."
Is that some kind of Lamaze breathing? Or just instinctive thrashing? Anyway, is there nothing worth taking in this room?
"Oh? You carry something nice on you? I'll take it as a souvenir, thanks~"
He's got a dagger at his waist — gold, no less. Just how rich is this family? Should've raided this house first. What a waste.
Maybe I should tell the kids back home to come loot this place? Feels like there'd be a big haul.
"Grrrrh. Y... you wret...ch..."
"Does it hurt a lot?"
Tremble tremble tremble.
Wow! He's got some grit after all, huh? Standing up while his legs shake like that?
"Just lie down until someone comes."
"Grrrrh. I'll kill you!"
SHING.
Hm? So he had another sword? It's yellowish, but that must be bronze.
"HYAAAHH!"
The battle cry gets a pass, but what's with those wobbly little steps?
Tap tap tap THUD.
I just strolled over casually and kicked the dagger out of his hand.
"Grrrrh."
"Does that hurt too?"
I kicked his hand, and apparently the shock traveled all the way through. It sure looks painful, but how much does it actually hurt? He won't tell me! I've asked him multiple times!
Swish THUNK.
Oh, the dagger's stuck in the wooden floor? A blade really is a blade...
THUD.
"It hurts, so just sit still."
No real thought behind it — I kicked him once more just to make him sit down. This one's a real handful.
FWUMP!
"GRRRAAAAGH!"
"Hm?"
That sounded like something being driven deep into flesh?
SPLAT.
I kicked him to sit him down, and instead he pitched forward onto the floor?
"Huh? What the—?"
The dagger was buried in the rear of the guy who'd keeled over with his eyes rolled back. Mercifully, only the handle had gone in somewhere.
Thank goodness the blade had been stuck in the floor. Otherwise I'd have witnessed something truly foul!
Well, that's one more sin on my tally. Time to stop rummaging through drawers and head home quietly.
"That's your punishment. So live a decent life, why don't you? If you'd only kept your hands off that poor maid, I'd never have planned any of this. Well then, off I go~"
It won't come after me with his eyes rolled back like that, right? Would be pretty funny if he chased me all the way to Daehan. Bye-bye now~
The trip back was easy — I just flew. Everyone else walks or rides horses, and here I am with my own private airliner.
Then again, a real airplane would be even faster someday, right? I should buy a private jet too!
"You're back early?"
"Ah! You startled me."
Our secretaries must have radar built in, I swear. The moment I return, they hunt me down like ghosts.
No need to guess — bath time. I must be quite the sight, too.
"Fine, let's go!"
"Heheh. Right this way."
She knows without me saying a word. A bath it is — gotta rinse off this grimy water I splashed around in!
"My goodness? What on earth is your taste in undergarments?"
"Huh?"
"How... risqué."
Oh. Right, I'm still wearing Shang underwear. Apparently these bottoms are positively scandalous.
"Don't know, that's just what Shang wears, apparently."
"Hmm. Not a fan. It's not even pretty."
Well, our clothes are prettier, aren't they? These days everyone embroiders theirs when they can afford it! Our clothes are lovely, thank you very much.
Then again, isn't our underwear just as scandalous? Or is there a difference between sheer and split, technically?
"Look at this, the clothes are so uncomfortable too. The women say they can barely walk in them."
While I was at it, I pulled out the outfit I'd worn over there to show her.
Swish.
I draped it on lightly. She'd be curious about foreign clothes, naturally.
"At this length, you could get by well enough, couldn't you?"
Um, why is the skirt hem past her ankles? Must be nice being tall! Does she even know she's doing that?
"How's business going for the kids?"
"Very well, Haneul-nim. Since your visit, their bonds with the locals have deepened, and the organization has grown even further."
Calling the locals 'hyung' and 'little brother' — yeah, that's just how they operate.
"By the way, a strange new culture has been spreading through Shang lately."
"Like what?"
Worse than human sacrifice? Don't tell me — cannibalism!?
"Well... it's something men do together, that... certain something..."
"Mm?"
"The things men and women do at night, but between men..."
"UGH, EW!"
Did the pervert population go up while I was away?
"It spread out of one particular noble family. Apparently the son woke up one day as a eunuch and started bringing men into his chambers."
"Hmm...?"
Why does that feel oddly familiar? Surely it's not a family I know?
"Whose... household would that be?"
"Why do you ask?"
Because it gives me a bad feeling! Don't give me that shifty-eyed look!
"Just curious, that's all."
"The name was Ryu Ho, I believe."
"Gah!"
That guy? Could it be a coincidence, same name? Turned into a eunuch, had a blade jammed in his rear, and woke up that way!
"No way. You don't mean—?"
"Nope. Must just be the same name, right?"
"What exactly did you do this time?"
"Nothing much. There was this pervert bastard, so I kicked him into a eunuch, and he looked like he was struggling so I pushed him, and then something got stuck in his butt, or whatever."
Saying it out loud, that sounds really cruel, doesn't it?
"PUWAHAHAHA!"
"I'm telling you, I didn't do it on purpose!"
"I believe you. Pfft — pfft."
Trying that hard to hold in your laughter is more pathetic than just laughing.
CLATTER.
"Hm? And what's all this?"
"Oh, stuff the kids grabbed, plus things I picked up on the way back. Sort it out for me, would you?"
"You... committed banditry?"
Excuse me. Banditry? The term you're looking for is redistribution of wealth.
"Oh, come on — banditry? I just went out to have some fun."
"Sounds like you had quite a good time?"
Interested, are we? Then I simply must spin her another tale of heroic exploits!
"Yeah, and I finally get why the kids do it! They kept getting woken up whenever I broke in, so I knocked people out while looting. One house had a man AND a woman, so I had to knock out two!"
"Isn't that robbery, rather than burglary?"
Hm? What's the difference between the two? Weren't they the same thing?
"Either way, I made money!"
"One of these days you'll get caught and it'll be a disaster."
Hmm... a foreign nation's top leadership personally committing robbery and terror attacks? Oh... I can practically hear the sound of national prestige plummeting already.
"But I really did plan to keep a low profile this time. I tried SO hard, you know?"
"And yet in the end, only results remain."
Is that so? So no matter how patient I am a hundred times, one tantrum and one accident is all it takes?
"This won't be making it into the history books, I suppose."
"There are no records, but the people who know, know. Why do you even keep tabs on this stuff?"
Might as well ask her while I'm at it. She claims she never uses it — so how does she know every embarrassing chapter of my past?
"No official records. The unofficial ones are kept separately, of course."