25. Anxiety
25. Anxiety
The beginning of anxiety is lukewarm.
It creeps up without you knowing when or where it started, and only after it heats up enough to scald do you finally recognize it.
"...Again."
Since when did I start having such thoughts?
Worry and anxiety over whether Matthew-ssi might harbor personal feelings toward Eunji.
Even though I know he isn't that kind of person, it slyly creeps up, pokes me, and whispers like this:
'Where in the world is there an "absolute" between a man and a woman?'
Moreover, one more thing.
I'm confused whether this anxiety is an emotion created by my Trait, or if it's merely my own sense of inferiority as Eunji's lover...
If it's the former, I am actually hoping that Matthew-ssi is looking at Eunji with a slightly different gaze.
If it's the latter... then my inferiority complex plays a bigger role.
"..."
I was the one who started this, but I am not at fault.
Starting to push Eunji into Matthew-ssi's arms is still... thrilling.
However, what about the possibility that Matthew-ssi began looking at Eunji during that process?
And conversely, what if Eunji started viewing Matthew-ssi as a better man than me?
Lately, I've repeatedly been plagued by this anxiety.
Checking the clock, the time was passing 10 p.m.
And Eunji is still not home.
I know that regular commute hours make no sense for a Hero.
I even received a message saying an urgent mission came up today so she was working overtime with Dust-ssi.
Even so, I...
"Haa..."
Ah... unpleasant delusions shimmer before me.
But I have to endure it. I can endure it.
"...Hoo."
If I suppress it tightly like this, the delusion stops as a brief, fleeting scene.
Of course, even that moment is stimulating enough, destructive, and painful.
What if Eunji isn't working overtime right now, but spending time with Matthew-ssi?
Laughing at me waiting for her at home.
Even if I text her asking around when she'll be back... or even if I call her, Eunji would—
"..."
She wouldn't be able to check it.
Because she wouldn't be in a condition to do so...
"Ha... ah."
Another fragment of delusion rises up.
...I wish Eunji would come back quickly.
"Phew..."
"Hayes. Are you done on this side?"
"Ye-Yes! It'll be finished once I clear this up."
Ugh... uuugh. Sudden overtime...
Does a Villain who blows up roads during commute time without any warning have no business ethics at all?
Still... it's a relief that nobody was hurt.
"I've handled the situation on the opposite road."
"But isn't this... a terror attack by an unknown perpetrator?"
"That's right."
"We're the Mastermind Response Task Force, so why...?"
"Because we don't know who did it. In cases like that, there's a very high probability it's that woman."
...So annoying.
Not content with just appearing in front of us who were living quietly, humbly, yet fairly happily,
why does that woman keep making our lives miserable?
I feel it every time, but I really want to catch her quickly.
"Hmm... Still, it's wrapping up without major issues. Mirage won't need to come out."
"Th-Then, can we head home now...?!"
"We stand by. We have to wait for the Branch Manager. We need to check the situation, report, and then head back."
"..."
"Just now, you were thinking in your head, 'Can't eonni do it for me?', weren't you?"
"N-No, I wasn't!"
Ugh, uuu... I miss oppa.
I'm also a bit worried about leaving him alone.
"By the way, how are things lately?"
"Yes? What do you mean?"
"Are you still doing it with the Branch Manager?"
"...W-Why do you ask?"
It... it's not really something I want to talk about.
It's not that I find it unpleasant or hate it, I'm just embarrassed...
"Until a few days ago, the red marks on the Branch Manager's neck were very clearly visible."
"..."
"But you don't have anything like that."
"Wh-What is 'something like that'?"
"Marks."
"...Pardon?"
"I told you. The Branch Manager gets a bit rough when doing it... Did he surprisingly hold back well this time...?"
Wh-Wh-What is this eonni saying...!
And th-the mark I made lasted that long?
...Uuugh. So, so embarrassed...
"Then wh-when he does it with eonni... is he rough? How is he rough?"
"Are you curious?"
"No!"
A brief silence.
"If you're curious, I can tell you a little bit."
"..."
Dust eonni looks out at the night view of the city, where the commotion has died down and is slowly regaining its usual appearance.
Her expression is so composed that it feels like she is talking about something extremely mundane.
"I... I have oppa."
"And?"
"So I'm trying to minimize it as much as possible. Doing it... with Matthew-ssi."
"Why? It felt good, didn't it?"
Eonni isn't asking like that to test me.
Just... if you look at that single fact alone, it is an undeniable truth.
"...That's true, but I still prefer doing it with oppa."
"Mmm."
"We also found a slightly different method a few days ago... and Matthew-ssi has his own past as well."
"So you don't want to needlessly trigger his trauma?"
"That's... right."
Hearing my answer, Dust eonni closes her mouth for a moment and thinks deeply about something.
Wh... What is it? Does she know something more that I don't?
Though it does seem like Dust eonni would naturally know...
"Then what if."
"Yes?"
"What if Matthew-ssi wants to do it with you more?"
"...Th-There's no way that would happen! Eonni is there too."
"Why bring me up? Here."
Ac-Actually, I once misunderstood that eonni and Matthew-ssi had that kind of relationship.
But seeing eonni's reaction, it doesn't seem to be that... What on earth is their relationship?
"Anyway, Seungyoon-ssi also wants you to do it with Matthew-ssi to some extent."
"..."
"And Matthew-ssi is a man too."
"...What about it?"
"Would he dislike doing it with a woman like you?"
"I... I'm just ordinary."
"Your body is erotic."
"..."
Sexual harassment in the workplace.
"It's a joke. You know that, right?"
"...What are you trying to say, eonni?"
"Hmm."
In the distance, car headlights can be seen.
It seems the Branch Manager has arrived.
"Next week, there's a Hero Association conference held regularly in Japan."
"...Pardon?"
"For about 4 days and 3 nights... Matthew-ssi will naturally attend, so he's scheduled to go on a business trip."
"Th-Then...?"
"Normally I would go with him, but if you want, you can go."
"...W-Want what?! I have oppa—"
"Not you."
"..."
"If Seungyoon-ssi wants it."
If oppa... wants it?
But next week is our 2,000th-day anniversary.
"The Branch Manager is here."
"...Ah."
Before I knew it, the car had stopped right in front of the building where we were standing.
Beyond the lowering window, a familiar face appears.
"Dust."
"Branch Manager-nim. The site cleanup is completely finished."
"Any unusual points?"
"None. The same goes for gathered evidence or messages."
"...Then it's Mastermind's doing."
Having nothing to say, I just stand quietly next to Dust eonni and listen to their conversation.
I definitely attended every training session, but I can't join in such professional conversations.
"Good work. Let's head back now."
With Matthew-ssi's words, there's a click sound from the car door, and the rear door smoothly opens.
And Dust eonni gives a slight nod of her head as if telling me to get in.
"Hayes. It's a bit of a distance to the safehouse, so I will give you a ride."
"...What about Dust eonni?"
"My home is right next to here."
"..."
Ah, no... It's not that it's awkward, I'm just bothered by what eonni said just now.
But declining right now would look stranger... and I have no reason to decline anyway.
"...Thank youuu."
"See you tomorrow, Hayes."
"Get home safely, eonni..."
"Think carefully about what I said, too."
On the way back home, I texted oppa, but there was no reply.
Did he fall asleep? Or maybe he's busy doing something else for a moment.
...I barely exchanged any words with the Branch Manager.
As expected, it was because of what Dust eonni said.
"We've arrived."
"Th-Thank you... See you tomorrow, Branch Manager-nim."
What should I do... if oppa says he wants me to accompany the Branch Manager on his business trip?
...It's obvious what I'll end up doing if I go along.
I-It's not that I want to do it, it's because oppa will make that kind of request...!
Or, how about just not bringing it up?
Even as I step out of the car and wait for the elevator, many thoughts flash through my mind.
I'm not used to the new method the new doctor taught us yet.
Still, it was effective in its own way for oppa.
Now that the rate of his condition deteriorating is slowing down... is there really any need to bring up something like that?
Beep— tti, tti, tti, tti—
"..."
In case oppa was sleeping, I deliberately opened the door quietly without saying anything.
However, as soon as I take off my shoes and step inside, I hear rough breathing.
"Ha... Haa, ha."
"Oppa...?"
The direction of the sound... the living room.
I see oppa sitting on the sofa.
Oppa, hunched over deeply, wrapping his arms around his head with his fingers tangled messily in his hair.
"A-Are you okay, oppa...!"
"...I-I'm okay. You're a bit... l-late..."
"..."
I... don't really know which side would be more helpful in calming oppa down.
Staying by oppa's side, talking to him using that still somewhat unfamiliar method.
Or staying by Matthew-ssi's side instead of oppa's, and then returning.
Because I just don't know...
"L-Look, oppa... There's something... I'd like you to choose."