Bears Don't Need to Use Their Brains

I lay sprawled across the back seat, using Eve's ridiculously soft thighs as a pillow while sucking down the sweet nectar of laziness. Not her tits, though. Definitely not. Of course, Yui was riding shotgun with a face that screamed pure irritation. The same route we'd taken to the shelter before now felt three times longer, even though the actual distance had only doubled.

A few idiot Walkers tried chasing us along the way, but thankfully this road was one of the eight major factions' favorite routes. The pavement was surprisingly smooth and pleasant.

"Ugh. I'm bored. So bored. This is boring, right? Should I be this bored?"

I grumbled from the back seat, legs twitching restlessly.

"Shut up, Mr. Ban. I'm the one driving, aren't I?"

Haze's sharp gaze stabbed at me through the rearview mirror.

"Yes ma'am..."

Scary big sister. Yeah, I guess whining about being bored while using her little sister's thighs as a pillow wasn't exactly endearing.

"Just die already. Please. Can you die? Or how about getting out and running alongside the car?"

Yui turned around and elegantly raised her middle finger.

Truly terrifying sisters, the pair of them.

"Master, if you're bored, would you like me to sing you a lullaby~?"

In the middle of all this, only Eve kept gently stroking my hair with a bright, sunny smile while offering her thighs. Heh heh. Our sweet, precious Eve-chan.

With all the nonsense continuing like that, ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠the Humvee eventually reached our destination. The massive concrete outer wall of the Greenhouse Northern Branch finally came into view.

Screeeech—!

The Humvee came to a stop in the empty lot in front of the direct-managed mart. Armed guards all turned to stare at us with hostile eyes. Why do these guys always look at people ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠like that?

"Why are you glaring so scary! We don't give a shit about your eyes, you know? Wait, are you guys the part-timers here? Hahahahahahahahaha!"

What a crazy bastard.

"Alright! Shopping time! Let's clean this place out!"

I wasn't sure if I was pushing the cart or running with it, but I made a beeline straight for the cigarette section.

"Oh, fuck yes! This is it! Greenhouse's premium tobacco!"

My eyes rolled back in ecstasy. One pack cost a whopping twenty coins. The kind of insane luxury item only the truly rich could afford. Without hesitation, I started frantically sweeping entire cartons of the premium stuff into the cart.

Thud. Thump. Rattle-rattle-rattle.

"There there. My cute little babies! Big brother's taking all of you home."

"Hey, you crazy bastard!!"

Yui freaked out and smacked me hard on the back of the head.

"What the hell are you doing?! One carton is two hundred coins! How many are you even grabbing?! The cart's about to burst!"

"What? I only grabbed fifty cartons! A single gold bar is worth ten thousand coins anyway, so it's exactly ten thousand coins' worth!"

"Who the hell spends ten thousand coins on cigarettes?! Do we even have to worry about getting lung cancer in this world?!"

Yui punched me in the gut again and tried to put the cartons back on the shelf... but I wrapped my entire body around the cart to defend it. What a pathetic sight.

"Don't underestimate a heavy smoker! This is my only joy in this shitty apocalypse! And it's not like I'm the only one smoking. Your sister does too!"

At my desperate cry, Yui whipped around to look at Haze.

"Sis! Say something to this guy!"

But Haze cleared her throat, subtly avoided eye contact, and muttered,

"Ahem... Well, the premium tobacco really does have a different aroma. The draw is smoother too... I think indulging in a little luxury now and then isn't so bad..."

"Sis?! Sis!! Are you going crazy with him?!"

The sniper's cold rationality had long since vanished in the face of premium tobacco's temptation. Haze slyly pushed another hundred cartons of regular cigarettes (five thousand coins) into my cart.

"Just in case..."

"Yui, Haze! You're seriously my partner for life."

I gave Haze a thumbs-up. Yui looked like she was about to faint, clutching the back of her neck.

"You insane chain-smoking lunatics!! The Blackhead guys working their asses off outside need to eat too!"

"Don't worry. I've still got one more trick up my sleeve."

I dramatically pulled out another gold bar from my pocket. No wonder I'd only grabbed fifty cartons of the premium stuff earlier. He'd brought two bars.

"Breast Wallet! We're charging straight to the meat section. Move out!"

"Yeees! I'll grab everything~!"

Eve excitedly grabbed another cart and charged toward the butchery section. She swept up A-grade cultured beef until the cart looked ready to collapse, then loaded it with cases of cold beer and factory-made Greenhouse snacks. Fifteen thousand coins on cigarettes, five thousand on the company dinner. The ratio was a bit fucked, but overall it was a crazy twenty-thousand-coin shopping spree.

When we got to the register, the northern branch manager greeted us with a rotten expression. This was the same bastard who'd always looked at us third-rate problem solvers like we were insects whenever we bought cheap ammo with pocket change.

"Hey. Are you joking? You've brought five carts' worth of stuff... How exactly do you plan on paying for all this?"

The manager crossed his arms and looked us up and down with suspicious eyes. Of course he'd react like that. Some beggars suddenly rolling up with carts full of luxury goods.

"Pay? Obviously with cold hard cash. Are you an idiot?"

I laughed heartily and pulled out two shiny gold bars from my pocket, dropping them on the counter with a clink.

"Ba... Are you insane?"

The manager's eyes nearly popped out of his skull. Two gleaming 99.9% pure gold bars.

"W-what is this...?"

"Can't you tell just by looking? Are you an idiot? Twenty thousand coins. We don't need change, so just clear the carts and move the stuff to the warehouse for us."

The manager gulped hard and quickly snatched up the gold bars.

"Ba... Fuck... J-just wait a moment please!"

He rushed into the back office and came back with special solution and a scale, then began frantically inspecting them. His face was already half-checked out. Is this real? Where the hell did these third-rate thugs get something like this? It's not just gold-plated junk, is it?

But the inspection results were flawless.

"Hooo..."

The manager's attitude flipped like a pancake. He bent at the waist in a perfect ninety-degree ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠bow.

"Oh my! VIP customers!! I'm terribly sorry for not recognizing you! Payment confirmed perfectly! Our staff will personally load everything into your vehicle!!"

Yui snorted while looking at the manager's bowed head, and Eve flashed a V-sign while giggling. But even with his head lowered, the manager's eyes had a strange glint in them.

'These bastards... Where did they suddenly get this much capital? Did they raid an entire pre-apocalypse bunker or something...?'

Of course, business etiquette prevented him from prying too deeply, but he couldn't hide that greedy curiosity. Not that it was any of our business.

"Hey, it's too cramped! Too cramped!! Move these cigarettes out of the way!"

"Why are you yelling at me?! Sis, move your guns!"

The Humvee's cargo hold and back seat were packed to the brim with boxes of cultured meat, crates of beer, and mountains of cigarette cartons. I cackled while watching Yui and Eve forced to squeeze themselves in among the cigarette piles.

"Let's head out, my fellow smokers! Time to feed the bears."

And so the Humvee departed, fully loaded.

Screeeech—!

Three hours later.

The Humvee came to a rough stop in the empty lot in front of the gas station.

The Blackhead members who had been sweating buckets while welding rebar all turned their heads at once.

"Hey! You bears! Drop what you're doing and put down your tools!"

I jumped out of the passenger seat, flung open the cargo door, and shouted.

"Looks like you made good progress today. You've been sweating hard, so today's a company dinner! Call everyone still at the base too!"

Jin took off his welding mask and approached with a dumbfounded expression.

"Company dinner? Suddenly, what the..."

Jin's face went from dumbfounded to completely shocked. When the cargo door opened, boxes of A-grade cultured beef with its vivid red color and crates of beer that looked refreshing just by sight were revealed. And beside them, an absurd amount of cigarette cartons.

"What are you waiting for? Hurry up and call the guys. Meat tastes best when it's fresh, you know?"

At my cool urging, Jin had no choice but to pick up his terminal with a dazed face.

A short while later, the empty lot in front of the gas station had turned into a somewhat clumsy but decent party venue. The large grills and burners that the problem solvers had dragged up from the bunker with great effort were set up everywhere.

Sizzle—!

Thick slices of beef hit the hot grill, filling the air with an incredible aroma of sizzling fat.

The fifty bears froze solid like they'd all hit a lag spike at once. Well, yeah. When would they have ever had a meat party this insane? Not to mention three absolute beauties who gave off the kind of aura you'd only find among the precious darlings of major factions were mixed into this dreary apocalyptic background. Who could possibly stay sane?

This wasn't some shy, ticklish feeling. It was a brain-cell-level processing error, like 8-bit low-res characters suddenly getting invaded by 4K full HD ones.

"Come on everyone! Eat as much as you want~! There's plenty of meat, so don't hold back and grill to your heart's content!"

But that awkwardness quickly melted away under Eve's uniquely bright energy.

The mercenaries' optic nerves were already paralyzed, locked on to the sight of Eve shaking her incredible missile ports in every direction while cheerfully passing out beer.

"Sis! Give me a piece of meat too!"

"Yui, you need to eat vegetables too. If you keep being picky, you won't grow."

"I'm past the age where I grow, you know!!"

"Your chest won't grow either."

"Aaaargh!! I said I'm growing!!! It's you and that cow who's unnecessarily huge!"

Even while bickering with sparks flying, Yui and Haze never stopped using their chopsticks, expertly sharing the meat on the grill. What a peaceful pair of sisters.

"Oh, and you bears. I've got a treasure for you."

I pulled out the cartons of regular cigarettes from the Humvee and started tossing them toward the mercenaries.

"Stop smoking that trash leaf tobacco. The smell makes me want to puke."

"Whoaaaaaaa!"

"Long live Captain Ban!!"

"Super Lucky Solution Group, loyalty! Loyalty!!"

‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠

With delicious meat, cold beer, and even precious cigarettes distributed to them, to the Blackhead guys I was no longer some third-rate problem solver. I was the savior god who had descended upon this fucked-up world.

"The Solution Group is the best!!!!"

"The name sucks but Super Lucky Solution Group, loyalty!!!"

"Eve's tits are the best!!!"

Wait, these bastards? Whatever. They were chewing meat with tears of emotion in their eyes. A few of them might have actually pissed themselves.

When the atmosphere was really starting to heat up,

I slipped away from the noisy lot and leaned against a collapsed wall on the gas station's outskirts. Using the crashing night sea as my snack, I lit up one of the twenty-coin premium cigarettes I'd just bought.

"Huu..."

As I exhaled the thick smoke mixed with that unique herbal scent from the wild boar I'd caught, I heard heavy footsteps behind me. It was Jin. He was holding two cans of beer in his hands.

"Why'd you crawl out when everyone's having fun? Not enough meat?"

When I glanced over and asked, Jin stood beside me and held out a can.

"I really can't figure out what kind of person you are."

The usual rough wariness was completely gone from Jin's voice.

"In this shitty world, this is the first time our guys have ever received such human treatment. A client using his own money to throw a meat party for fifty outsourced mercenaries? That's insane."

Jin took a swig of beer and let out a short laugh.

"When I first saw you, I thought you were just some rich thug. But now I'm genuinely confused. Are you just a crazy rich bastard throwing money around, or are you actually a decent human being?"

At Jin's serious confession, I snorted.

"Why are you being so serious and analytical? I told you. I'm just an insanely cool problem solver."

I scattered cigarette smoke into the sea breeze and looked at Jin. His dead-fish eyes contained both his usual relaxed demeanor and a strange sharpness.

"I don't just hand out meat and cigarettes to anyone. I'm not running a charity."

"Then why are you doing this?"

I took a sip of beer.

"Kya~! Well, I felt it while watching you guys bust your asses. In a world where stabbing people in the back is everyday life, you bears just keep doing your job faithfully without even glancing at headquarters."

I grinned and stubbed out my finished cigarette on the ground.

"I like those stupidly honest bastards. Otherwise I'd have to rack my brain like crazy too, but bears like you don't need to use your brains at all."

I patted Jin's shoulder a couple times and turned around.

"Looking forward to working with you in the future. Mr. Outsourced Company President."

Jin quietly watched my retreating back. On his rough, scar-covered lips, a small but genuine smile of goodwill slowly spread.